Chapter 18
Longbourn, Hertfordshire
Kitty gazed at the books in her hand, trying to determine whether to put them in her valise or not. Once she got to Pemberley, she would not lack for reading material, although she was not sure she would be able to read much as they drew closer to Lizzy's trial. Already, the thought of what might happen to Lizzy worried her greatly, and once the trial was imminent, Kitty expected this would grow far worse. Thus she only needed sufficient books for the journey to and from Derbyshire; typically, Charles Bingley was a talkative traveller, likely to keep the conversation flowing in the post-chaise, but the Bingleys were also deeply worried about Lizzy, and this was likely to result in greater spans of silence.
Finally, Kitty decided it was always better to have too many books than too few, and placed them in the valise, holding one aside along with her reticule to carry with her into the carriage. She had not always been such an avid reader, but once she had become papa's primary companion, he had begun to take far greater interest in his fourth daughter, sharing his favourite pastime with her. At first, she had read because it was nice to have papa's attention, and because it was something to do – the days had been long, with just the two of them to occupy themselves. Then Kitty had discovered in herself a passion for history, a joy in learning the world of the past, and that had entirely changed the way she viewed books.
Lovingly, she touched the spine of the volume in her hand – a new acquisition from London, already bound in morocco leather – then gathered up her reticule and went downstairs. Jane and Charles were awaiting her there in the parlour, with Mr. Bennet, Mary, and Mary's insufferable husband. The latter was moralising about bigamy while his wife nodded in agreement, and it was all Kitty could do to hold her tongue and ask just how, precisely, Lizzy might have avoided it in her unfortunate situation. She did hold her tongue, though – only the reassurance that Mary would be around to look in on him had lessened her reluctance to leave papa here at Longbourn. It would not do to start an argument with Rev. Thompson, leaving papa to bear the brunt of the Thompsons's self-righteousness during Kitty's absence.
Papa looked Kitty in the eye, and she could tell he was thinking the same as she. He would never say so, though; papa valued peace deeply, and although he had enjoyed it for many years, he still protected it carefully. Kitty knew her father's flaws well, but looked on them with more forbearance than she once had, for as her passion for books had increased, so had her father's affections for her. In enjoyment of those affections, she was willing to overlook a great deal more than she might have otherwise.
She was still a little worried about leaving him, but she wanted to be there for Lizzy. That was the good reason for her going, the honourable one, the one she spoke of to her family and friends. The other reason was far more selfish: she had been in love with General Fitzwilliam almost since the first moment she had seen him, walking into Longbourn's parish church in his red coat before the weddings of the Bingleys and the Darcys.
Kitty could look back now and know she was not the same person she had been on that day, could see that she had been a silly young girl, intent on following after her younger sister in all things. She had been childish for far longer than she should have been, and she was proud to say she had finally grown out of that time, that person she had once been. What she had never been able to grow out of was that childish infatuation with General Fitzwilliam.
She had seen him but rarely over the past few years, and yet still every time she did see him it was as though she could hardly breathe. Perhaps it was not entirely childish, these days. After all, he no longer wore a red coat, and he was a good, honourable man – there were many worse men in the world she might have loved. Yet he was eminently unsuitable for her, the son of an earl, a man who must marry much higher than a lady like Kitty, a man who had not the fortune to marry as he wished, as Mr. Darcy had done. Still more, while he treated her as kindly as he might any other member of the family, it was clear he regarded her with no particular interest or affection. She was the sister of his cousin-in-law, and no more.
And yet still, she longed to see him, and she would have that opportunity at Pemberley. She would not ask for more. If Lizzy could be acquitted, papa did not suffer for her absence, and Kitty could just see General Fitzwilliam, spend a little time in company with him, she would be entirely happy with her trip to Derbyshire.
"Are you ready, Kitty?" asked Jane, and upon Kitty's saying that she was, Mr. Bennet rose from his chair with no little effort, motioning that Kitty should come to him.
He held two letters in his hand, raising one and then the other as he said, "For Lizzy, if things go well, and if – if they do not."
He had put a nick in the wax of one so they could be told apart, although the thickness of the bad letter was sufficient to distinguish them. Kitty took them both, nodding solemnly, then she kissed her father's cheek. "Let us pray it is the first. Good-bye, papa, I shall be back soon enough."