Hell in a Crapbasket
Episode 3, Gula: Level 2
"Welp, here it is," the wizened demon announced, seemingly uncaring of his current position. That being, with Doomguy's arm wrapped around his midsection and being carried around like a barrel.
Without wasting any time, the marine pushed open the warehouse's gates.
It was… surprisingly clean. At least, when compared to the one in Limbo. Then again, it made sense considering that Luxuria seemed a bit more populated.
Casually putting down the demon he was carrying, Doomguy motioned for the demon to get to work. The old codger insisted that he knew how to work the machinery, so he might as well earn his continued existence.
While the demon worked on prepping the portal for use, Flynn decided to inspect the warehouse in more detail. As he'd suspected, the layer of dust and sand was enough that he could make out a series of footprints. Four of them were the same as the ones in Limbo, so the three men and one demon passed through already.
But there were two more people now. One set was small, possibly a child or a rather tiny man. The other was boots… fancy boots. More demons? This was getting out of hand.
"Everything should be ready to go now, the last set of coordinates logged into the database point towards Gula so I've set our destination there." The frail old demon reported while hunched over the console, staring at him expectantly.
Straightening himself up, Doomguy glanced at the demon and gave him a nod. That was all the prompting the latter needed, and with one last button press, the portal swirled into existence.
The soldier debated whether he should just get rid of the old demon at that point… but it probably was better to just keep him alive considering he hadn't acted hostile towards him yet. He'd proven competent enough, and he could use him in other layers too.
Grabbing the demon again, Doomguy marched towards the portal decisively. He had no idea what those men were thinking, surrounding themselves with so many demons – if it was even their choice anymore – but he was going to make sure they'd get out of Hell safely.
Pandemonica gave an unintelligible grumble, her face still nestled in Alien's shirt making it impossible to understand.
The man simply caressed the demoness' head in response, well aware that saying anything that could be perceived as disrespectful might just spell his doom. He was thankful for the privacy that everyone else had afforded them, but it sure didn't help his nerves.
"Me and Pandemonica, sitting in the woods. Alone. Nobody else around to hear us… sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, a porn movie, or my death. Not necessarily in that order," he mused.
It took several minutes for Pandemonica to stop bawling, her cries reduced to the occasional sniffle.
"...You want to talk about it?" He asked, trying to keep his apprehension at bay. Regardless of his possible death, he was concerned.
Rather than answer verbally, Pandemonica simply clutched Alien tighter and shook her head.
Accepting the denial for what it was, the man simply moved the demoness a bit so that she would sit on his lap, instead of the weird half-kneel they were left in. The casual touch got Pandemonica to separate her face from Alien's chest, just enough to glance up at him.
"Take your time," Alien calmly replied, cradling the tiny woman like a child. "I'm not going anywhere."
"You'd better not," she muttered just barely loud enough for him to hear.
Pandemonica's mind still struggled to cope with the events of the last few minutes. Were they only a few minutes, even? It felt like forever to her.
Normally she would've been seething in rage, both at the humiliation she was forced to endure at the hands of those two mongrels, and for the sheer gall that Alien was showing at holding her in such an… intimate, manner.
Yet, any anger she could muster up felt dull and detached. But furthermore… It felt somewhat nice.
She could see herself, back on the roads of Luxuria, struggling to keep her eyes open after using so much magic at once. Back then, she pushed herself to keep walking, to not show any weakness… and yet, when she fell, there was none of the pain she'd expected. What she found were warmth and strength. Far lesser to her own power, sure, but…
It was weird. She'd almost forgotten what it was like, to not have to constantly worry if someone were to stab her in the back, or if she was doing things right, or… anything really.
Back then, she'd told Alien where to go, and he did so. Disregarding his own injuries, his own inherent weakness, he just… pushed through it. And it felt good.
And then he'd collapsed, much like she had before, but it was so much worse. Emotions were a path to weakness in her line of work, but at that moment her heart froze. She feared that he… that he'd killed himself out of stubbornness.
Something soft touched her forehead, for a brief moment. The contact was enough to jostle her out of her thoughts and look back up at Alien. He was large, and she knew that, but from that angle, he looked like a mountain to her.
Then, she realized what he'd done.
"Did you just– you– what?" She tried to form a question, but just like her thoughts, it was a disjointed mess.
The man leaned back a little, his arms still cradling her. "Sorry 'bout that," he murmured, looking far more serious than she'd expected out of him. "I should have asked for permission first. I won't do it again if you don't want me to."
Oh, how she wished she could tear him a new one for that insolence. Something stayed her hand, though. He was loud, boisterous, obnoxious, irritating, far too large for his own good…
…But maybe one more wouldn't hurt?
With great shame in her heart, she granted the lowly mortal to peck her forehead again.
She grudgingly added 'comfy' to her mental list.
"Super Smash Fiends?" Cletus questioned the words on the boxart.
"Yes, here's your controller," Cerberus said as she handed one of the spare ones to the man.
"It looks horribly unergonomic." He complained before taking it into his hands. "Holy shit this thing's like a brick, reminds me of the original Xbox controllers back in the day."
"Stop yammering and let's play already!" Chubberus shouted with excitement as the game booted up.
As the duo (quartet?) watched all the different company logos and studio splash screens go by on the display, Cletus couldn't help but grow increasingly annoyed.
Well… up until the game itself finally had its intro play out. Then he was also disgusted on top of being annoyed.
"Wow, the game doesn't even try to hide that it's a blatant propaganda piece." He commented dryly as he watched what he guessed were Hell's leading figures take on massive groups of… angels, judging from the halos and white uniforms?
"Mister, what's propaganda?"
"Okay, lemme explain this to you like you were five…"
"We're three, though? Well, four with you, but I dunno if you count."
"Aaaanyway… Propaganda is essentially any piece of information that is meant to persuade or influence the consumer to the viewpoint or worldview of its original creator."
"Uuuuh…" All three of Cerberus' bodies tilted their heads in confusion. It was quite an adorable sight.
"Game tells you "angels bad" because the creator wants you to think that. Is that simple enough?"
Cadaverous nodded, the explanation seemingly good enough for her. Cerberus didn't seem to care, still trying to pick a character to play as. Meanwhile, Chubberus was positively incensed.
"Angels are bad," she growled out. She went to say more, but both Cerberus and Cadaverous chose that moment to place their hands on her shoulders and pull her back.
"What was that all about?" Cletus asked with no small amount of confusion, looking toward the malnourished one of the trio for answers.
"We would… rather not talk about it." Cadaverous avoided the question like it was a hail of bullets. "But, understand that the events in this game are not as false as you may think."
Cletus blinked a little at the answer. There were many things he expected to hear, but this one was nowhere near the top.
"Alright then." He responded before turning his gaze back towards the screen. "Which one do you recommend for a noob?"
"Justice is OP plz nerf." Chubberus moaned out.
"She has an easy-to-learn moveset and her combos are dead-simple to execute." Cadaverous elaborated further on her emotional counterpart's 'recommendation'. "That's without getting into special move territory, but it's not too difficult to figure out after checking the command list."
"Gotcha."
A soft humming caressed Ralts' hearing, coaxing him to consciousness. The voice felt familiar, but in his sleep-addled state, the man couldn't quite recognize it. Choosing not to bother with it, he simply curled up into his pillow.
…Huh, it was softer than he remembered. And why did the humming stop?
"My, someone is feeling affectionate today~"
The sultry lilt sent shivers down his spine, waking him up better than any bucket of ice could hope to accomplish. Ralts froze, debating whether he should make a break for it. That was, until a gentle set of fingers began to run through his hair.
"No need to be scared, it's just your old friend Beelzebub."
Cracking open an eye, Ralts spotted the older demoness looming over him with a serene smile. That's when he realized his current position: his head was lying in Beelzebub's lap, the Mistress of Flies caressing his head like everything was perfectly fine.
…To be fair, it was nice. So nice, in fact, that he almost didn't take note that Beelzebub wasn't wearing her usual red suit anymore, for some reason. In fact, she was garbed in a set of violet pajamas… a much more conservative garb than he'd expected from a demon, but who was he to judge?
He glanced around the room they were in, pursing his lips once he understood where he'd woken up.
"I popped up in your bedroom, didn't I?"
"Indeed."
"Did I wake you up?"
"Not in the slightest, I was merely loafing about." She shrugged. Then, she froze for a second. "Did I use that gesture correctly?"
A small chuckle escaped Ralts at the demoness' adorably confused face. "Yeah, you did."
Beelzebub smiled to herself.
The duo sat in silence for a while, simply basking in each other's presence. In the end, it was Ralts who broke the silence.
"So we, and by we I mean Cletus and I, took a look into Pandemonica's past…" Ralts trailed off, unsure of how to explain properly.
Beelzebub raised an eyebrow, a curious glint in her eyes. "Truly now? Would I be correct in assuming your friend had a hand in that?"
Ralts nodded as well as he could, unwilling to move around too much.
"And what did you find there? Plenty of skeletons, I'd wager." The grin on the great fly's face widened as she waited for Ralts to continue.
"She… saw a lot of bad stuff."
Ralts didn't continue, laying in silence as he thought over what they'd seen. The ancient demoness remained silent, giving him time to gather his thoughts.
"...What was the war about?"
Beelzebub hesitated, her fingers pausing as she took in the man's concern. Said hesitation lasted for all of a second before she summarily brushed it aside, showing a smile that could be almost called motherly.
"That is quite the lengthy tale, but if you wish to know… it all began back when Lucifer's brother, Mastema, gave her rulership over Hell."
Beelzebub's gaze grew distant as she began to reminisce. "Little Lucy was never a good leader. She did have her good points, of course: a great tactician, sharp wit, and even sharper tongue… but while that makes a good demon, it does not make a good queen.
"Lucifer was belligerent as an angel, and even more so as a demon. When she fell, she harbored an immense grudge, which festered over the centuries leading up to her coronation. You recall Baphomet, right? I've told you about her."
Ralts nodded, hanging by every word.
"Well, she ran a small… rumor mill, shall we say, on the side." The Queen Crimson chuckled to herself, remembering the spirited goat-obsessed demon trying to make a name for herself so long ago. "Through her, I came to learn of Lucifer's plan to wage war on Heaven."
She'd expected Ralts to have some reaction to the revelation, but she found nothing but patience in his gaze as he glanced up at her.
"What a curious little human," she mused for a moment, before returning to her tale. "I used to be an angel too, at one point. I was, and still am, well aware of Heaven's might. And for all of Lucifer and her allies' power, it would not be enough. They would have been crushed, utterly and mercilessly, as only God and Their mercy allowed them to still draw breath.
"So I tried to stop Lucifer in the only way she would take seriously: presenting her a more immediate threat to focus on. I tore down what forces she would muster, attempt to sway her servants… But I did not engage her, not once."
The words at the tip of Ralts' tongue were clear as day to Beelzebub.
"We… We were close, long ago…" She admitted with a sigh. "...I couldn't bring myself to harm her."
Ralts' eyes softened at her words. In a moment of uncharacteristic boldness, his hand snaked up until it covered her own. By that point, she'd already slowed down her ministrations, and the contact brought her to a full stop.
He said nothing, simply holding her gaze and her hand. It was simple, mundane even, but in spite of that… Beelzebub knew, in the depths of her cold heart, that she would come to miss these moments.
A rueful smile made its way to the Mistress of the Flies' face, as she wallowed in her emotions, new and ancient alike.
The moment was broken, as Ralts failed to suppress a yawn. He instinctively nuzzled deeper into her lap, curling up much like a cat… or how she remembered cats doing, at least.
"I suppose that the rest of this story can wait another day," Beelzebub tittered. Her free hand returned to playing with the man's hair, the other still held in Ralts' grasp, firmly yet tenderly.
"Stop throwing fireballs at me, you cheater!" Chubberus yelled out in frustration as her kart spun out of control, avoiding being thrown off the side of a cliff by a hair's breadth.
"It's not cheating, it's literally a game mechanic," Cletus replied dispassionately.
"How do you even keep getting them so often?" Cadaverous questioned as she saw the man get yet another one of the useful item drops.
"Luck, I guess?" He shrugged.
Cletus had already long figured that since the game was essentially a knock-off Mario Kart all the same rules and strategies applied, so he simply used every bit of his old knowledge of the series to absolutely wreck the opposition… Including how to rig the item pick-up system's RNG in his favor.
After all, it wasn't cheating if it was part of the game.
"Why do you keep doing that?!" Chubberus screeched as yet another fireball sent them off-track.
"Why are you not dodging? Like, literally the only thing you have to do is press one button."
The dog trio's ears drooped at once. "We're not used to playing with other people, ok?" They muttered.
Cletus blinked. "Can't you just play against yourselves?"
Chubberus paused the game, and all three dog-girls turned to the man, giving him a textbook deadpan.
"And how about you grow another pair of arms and play against yourself?" Cerberus replied.
There was a moment of awkward silence as Cletus thought upon the implications of this new revelation before opening his mouth and closing it again after some more deliberation.
"Point taken," he conceded.
"Ahh… finally some peace and quiet." Sloth mumbled to himself as he sunk all the way up to his chin into the warm water. Silence reigned around him, disturbed only by the low murmur of water and the rustling of leaves in the low breeze.
…And of course, a louder rustling came to disturb his silence, accompanied by a set of footsteps.
Caught by surprise, he scrambled to his feet, spraying water everywhere as he rushed towards the edge of the pool, where he'd left his sword.
"Calm down, it's just me." An annoyingly familiar demon's voice came from behind the treeline before Modeus stepped out into the open, wearing only a thin bathrobe that left nothing to the imagination – much to Sloth's dismay.
The man hesitated for a moment, wondering whether it was worth it to pick up the sword anyways.
"I'd just like to make it clear: if you tried to hit me with that, it would break way before even the outermost layer of my skin would."
"Still worth it," Sloth replied without thinking. And once his brain caught up with his words, he found himself agreeing.
The succubus just sighed, far too used at that point to the man's prickly attitude. "...Sure, if it makes you feel better. Just… can I get in already? I could use a bath myself."
He regarded her with a gimlet eye peeking out between platinum-blonde locks. "Not while I'm here."
Modeus had to resist the urge to facepalm at that, resolving to just staring at him, arms crossed. "It's literally big enough for everyone at once, let alone just you and I. If you really don't want me close, I'll just stay on the opposite side, or is even that too much for you, mister paranoia?"
A beat passed.
"Fine," Sloth grunted out. "Keep the distance."
The awkward silence stretched out between the two of them, only barely interrupted by the sound of clothes being shuffled around and Modeus herself stepping into the water.
Sloth shifted around awkwardly as soon as he turned his gaze back towards the demoness, going to surreptitiously turn his body around as he saw something his treacherous second head liked very much.
And the silence continued still, as they soaked in the warm water without sparing a word to each other. Though, in the sanctity of his mind, Sloth's thoughts couldn't help but run rampant – equal parts lust and paranoia – as he wondered what the demoness was planning this time around. There was no way it was a simple coincidence that Modeus happened to come by while he was there as well. Was she trying to seduce him again? Likely, or at least he thought so.
…But on the other hand, she hadn't really done anything the past few days… something was fishy. They hadn't interacted ever since two days ago, when…
Sloth was sitting in the courtyard, catching his breath. He and Alien had just gone a few rounds, the last one much more intense than usual. Maybe practicing his smack talk on the surprisingly-not-peaceful giant wasn't a good idea.
Luckily for him, the horny bitch that was Modeus hadn't made an appearance that day. He was sure that she was somewhere, plotting another way to get into his pants, but for now he'd enjoy the reprieve from her antics…
He'd spoken too soon.
A pair of soft arms wrapped around him, with another pair of softer… assets, pressing into his back. His breath caught in his throat. That was her trap, wasn't it? Wait until he was too tired to shake her off, then drag him into her room, and then burn him alive- wait, no, she was going to rape him. Right? He wasn't even sure anymore.
But… she wasn't.
She just sat there, holding him. She wasn't rubbing her chest against him, wasn't trying to sniff him, or lick his neck, or whisper things in his ear. What was she-
"...I'm sorry."
What.
"I can hear your breath, and your heartbeat... You're panicking, but I didn't realize it earlier… I'm sorry."
What the fuck.
"I thought you were aroused, so I thought there was something holding you back from ravaging me… But it was my fault. I'm sorry."
Wait, no… she… she had to be acting, right? It was just a trick to get him to drop his guard, right?
"You don't believe me, do you? ...That's fine. I expected it. But I really am sorry for hurting you like this."
Then, she left. No fanfare, no invitation to her room, or anything. One moment she was there, the other she got up and left.
Sloth was rooted in place. Not because of panic this time, but out of confusion, his mind running a mile a minute.
"...You've been rather quiet lately. The week is almost over, if you forgot. Shouldn't you be trying to seduce me or something along those lines?"
"Normally I would, but I've come to realize that it's useless with you. At this point, I just hoped we could talk it out. You know, like adults."
"What?"
Modeus gave a listless blink at Sloth's oh-so-eloquent response, before sighing. "...Look. I can understand at this point that you have a problem with me. I'm not going to fault you for it, I know I messed up badly, but can't you at least try to move past it? For your own sake, if nothing else."
He whirled around to glare balefully at her, a scathing remark about what exactly he thought about her opinion right on the tip of his tongue.
"Do you want to get us both neutered?"
"If it would serve to spite my would-be rapist, absolutely," he spat out, the sheer vitriol in his words acidic to the point it could have probably melted steel.
She didn't reply for a long while, allowing Sloth's reply to hang in the air between them.
"...Are you listening to yourself right now? Do you seriously want to castrate yourself only out of spite?"
"Yes." He says, finding the trees around him suddenly very interesting.
"Look me in the eyes when you say that, coward."
"..."
Modeus clicked her tongue in frustration. "As I imagined. Why are you so adamant about not getting rid of this stupid binding, anyway?"
Sloth's fist clenched involuntarily. "After almost getting killed multiple times by you demons, you'll have to excuse me for not wanting to be around any of your kind."
"As if you've been the only one on the receiving end? What about your friends? It doesn't look like they have the same compunctions."
"I'm handling it differently, okay?"
"To me, it looks like you're not handling it at all, just pushing the problem further away every time you stumble on it." She paused, as if considering something. "And yet, you were almost… dare I say, nice, to Cerberus. Why?"
"They're kids. I'm not going to be a dick to kids for no reason. Especially not ones who've done nothing to me," he grumbled.
"Alright, I can see that. However, she is still a demon, isn't she? And quite the powerful one, at that. Why does she get a pass if you're supposedly uncomfortable with all demons?"
Sloth wasn't sure when he'd started walking closer to Modeus, but he paid it no heed. "She's the only demon so far who hasn't tried to kill, threaten, boss me around, or rape me," he jabbed his finger into her collarbone with each point he made, before stepping back. "So yeah, she – unlike the rest of you – hasn't given me a reason to hate her so far."
Modeus blinked at the unusual vicinity. "...Fair enough. If you'd asked me a week ago, I wouldn't have known what 'consent' was, beyond just a word. But I get it now… and I suppose I did mess up at that point."
"You can say that again."
"I just did."
"Still not going to forgive you, though."
She rolled her eyes. "...Yeah. I figured as much. Can't we just… get it over with? It's not like it'll take more than ten minutes anyway, unless you have some weird condition."
"I don't want to be in a relationship with a demon," Sloth admitted with a grimace, turning away.
"Is that what the issue is?" Modeus closed the distance as she leaned forward. "You just don't want to be known as someone that has a thing with a demon?"
Without giving him time to answer, the demoness locked lips with him, albeit only for a brief moment.
"We can just keep this as a one-time thing, no strings attached, okay?"
And when she felt something hard poke at her thigh in response, she knew she had caught him hook, line, and sinker.
Alien A/n: Long story short, life is misery and everything hurts. Let us rejoice together in fanfiction, as it is our only reprieve.
But hey! At least we're back with this, and aren't planning to stop again for a while. I'm hoping to at least reach 100K words by the end of the year, so here's to a good run!
Cletus A/N: I tried multiple times throughout the months to get Alien to return to the project after we left Chapter 8 pretty much half-finished but got basically ghosted cause of his IRL issues, but thankfully he finally came back from hiatus to continue this so I could continue to be the little voice in his ear that points out every mistake he makes.
Alien, part 2: Oh come on, I apologized already! Anyways, there's also a deleted segment coming, with the full version of the flashback. Bye y'all!
Modeus had a problem. She had her sights locked on a mortal… well, that in itself wasn't the issue. What caused her no small amount of grief was that said human - who went by the name Sloth - seemed to want her as far away from himself as physically possible.
Which was weird, since she'd gone through all the normal steps to seduce a mortal according to her mother.
Some conversation? Check.
Present yourself as 'down to fuck'? Very much check.
Proceed to fuck… not check.
Everything had gone well until she'd straddled him: he punched her in the face, and then later complained about her actions. She'd assumed that he preferred to be in top, so every time she had the chance she'd bent over or generally presented herself in a more submissive manner.
It didn't work.
Then she realized that he was always around the other humans when she tried to tempt him, so maybe humans didn't like to have sex in front of others.
Approaching him while he was alone only had him escape faster than before.
Her mother suggested to, quote: "Pin him down and ride him 'till he passes out, and then some more."
...for some reason, she felt like that wasn't the correct approach.
Pandemonica wasn't much help either. When she asked her about suggestions on how to seduce a human, the older demoness went ballistic and ran her off.
"...Wait. What about the other humans?" She realized, in what the one called Cletus would've referred to as a 'lightbulb moment'.
Yeah, Cletus seemed like a good choice. He was smart enough to keep up with Pandemonica, and was also a human so he would know how one thinks.
"...I see." Cletus' brow furrowed. "You really don't realize it, huh?"
"Realize what? Is there some step to human courtship that I missed?"
The man snorted. "More like over half of them, but that's not the most pressing concern. Do you know what trauma is?"
Modeus tilted her head, trying to follow along. "Heavy physical damage, right? How does that fit into this?"
"Well, that's one meaning, yes-" Cletus nodded. "-But not the one I was referring to. Mental trauma refers to an event which leaves a deep emotional impact on someone. It's akin to a scar, but for one's mind."
Modeus nodded along, her tail flicking behind her in worry. "So… I wounded Sloth's mind somehow? Was it because of the Hertzneía I used?"
Cletus's hand made a so-so motion. "I don't know if it's because of that exactly, although I can hazard a few guesses. I think that you either scared him enough to cause some trauma, or caused a previous traumatic memory to resurface."
Her nails left some shallow scratches in the couch's leather as she leaned forward, staring unblinkingly into Cletus's eyes.
"How do I fix it? Is there a spell, or some sort of remedy?"
The man's grimace was telling enough.
"There's no instant way to fix it. It would be a long process, especially without a psychologist around, and Sloth's cooperation would be necessary. I doubt he's ready to ask for help."
"Oh…"
She remembered the way Sloth had lashed out against Cletus at the hot spring, angrily claiming that there was nothing wrong with him. It made a lot more sense now.
The two remained silent for a while, sitting down in the empty living room.
"Right now," Cletus broke the silence, "I must ask you to stop trying to seduce Sloth. It might only make things worse."
"Is there anything at all that can make it better?"
"...Maybe an apology? And I mean a proper one, not a sexual one."
Modeus slumped down with a sigh. "Okay…"
Well… they did say that cuddles weren't a sexual act, right?
Sloth was sitting in the courtyard, catching his breath. He and Alien had just gone a few rounds, the last one much more intense than usual. Maybe practicing his smack talk on the surprisingly-not-peaceful giant wasn't a good idea.
Luckily for him, the horny bitch that was Modeus hadn't made an appearance that day. He was sure that she was somewhere, plotting another way to get into his pants, but for now he'd enjoy the reprieve from her antics…
He'd spoken too soon.
A pair of soft arms wrapped around him, with another pair of softer… assets, pressing into his back. His breath caught in his throat. That was her trap, wasn't it? Wait until he was too tired to shake her off, then drag him into her room, and then burn him alive- wait, no, she was going to rape him. Right? He wasn't even sure anymore.
But… she wasn't.
She just sat there, holding him. She wasn't rubbing her chest against him, wasn't trying to sniff him, or lick his neck, or whisper things in his ear. What was she-
"...I'm sorry."
What.
"I can hear your breath, and your heartbeat... You're panicking, but I didn't realize it earlier… I'm sorry."
What the fuck.
"I thought you were aroused, so I thought there was something holding you back from ravaging me… But it was my fault. I'm sorry."
Wait, no… she… she had to be acting, right? It was just a trick to get him to drop his guard, right?
"You don't believe me, do you? ...That's fine. I expected it. But I really am sorry for hurting you like this."
Then, she left. No fanfare, no invitation to her room, or anything. One moment she was there, the other she got up and left.
Sloth was rooted in place. Not because of panic this time, but out of confusion, his mind running a mile a minute.
"One step at a time, Modeus."
"Yeah… it was fun trying to seduce him, though."
"I suppose."
"...Think I could do that to you instead?"
"You don't have enough muscles for that, sorry."
"Huh. Ok then."
…
"How do you humans pass the time, anyways?"
"Well, uh… I've got some cards if you want to play?"
"Sure."