Hey ! Sorry for the delay, I have too little time to devote to my personal activities. Don't worry, the fiction is still going on, and the project is still on track!

Chapter 7: Transfer

Jim was on the main deck, waiting impatiently for Scotty to give him the green light. The repairs had taken a week and now they were seeing the end of it. His chief engineer had assured him that they would be able to run reactor tests by late afternoon, and perhaps restart the reactors in the evening. After that, their direction would be to Filandria. Jim had already asked Chekov to prepare a safe route for them.

He tapped on the arm of his chair, taking it more slowly than he could. He shifted his position in his chair, again and again, getting up, pacing, slumping back into his chair. He couldn't wait to launch the Enterprise again and get out of this damn nebula. It was just giving them the evil eye and his research team was fighting among themselves to name it. That damn space dust cloud would get them.

The shrill sound of the intercom went off and Jim jumped out of his chair and pressed the button, answering hastily.

"Scotty! Are we clear? Can we go back? "

There was a slight crackle before a voice was heard.

"Captain, it is Spock. I am reporting that we have just completed the computer simulations. We are awaiting approval from Lieutenant Scott."

Jim swore inwardly before responding over the intercom.

"Copy, Spock. Thank you. "

He sat back in his chair.

Jim scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. Ever since the violent accident, Spock had been avoiding him. Or maybe it was him. Well, he didn't think he was avoiding him on purpose, or maybe Spock wasn't doing it on purpose, but they had hardly spoken face to face. Or very little. Not enough. Jim was probably kidding himself, the current situation was tense and maybe he was paying more attention to it since his conversation with Bones.

"Captain, we're good!"

Jim rushed to the intercom.

"Thank you Scotty! Sulu, are you good to go? "

"Anytime, Captain! "

Jim nodded, turning to the intercom.

"Go ahead, Scotty. "

A few seconds later, the electrical system shut down in less than a second, the time it took to blink an eye. Once they had switched over to the main power system, Jim ordered:

"Run the checks. Deflectors, communications, engines. " He switched on the intercom again. "Scotty? "

"Everything's in order, Captain! "

Jim turned to his pilot:

"Forward Sulu. Sublight speed. "

Sulu activated and the Enterprise moved. Jim felt his heart pounding in his chest, both excited and tense. The Enterprise was taking off again.

"Control. "

"Everything is in order, Captain. "

He nodded to the ensign who had just replied.

"Go to superluminal speed. "

The ship accelerated.

"Mr. Chekov, what are your speed recommendations? "

Chekov tapped his screen before answering.

"Warp 2, Captain. We'll have to reduce it within eight days. "

"Let's stay on course. "

He opened the intercom for the Machineries.

"Are we good ? "

"We're even good ! "

Jim let his smile conquer his face.

"Thank you, Mr. Scott. "

He switched the intercom to the Enterprise's general channel.

"To the entire crew, this is Captain Kirk. As you can see, the ship is back on course. It's all thanks to you. You can take credit for it. We are now on our way to Filandria, where we will enjoy a well-deserved furlough. Be proud of yourselves. Kirk out. "

He turned off the intercom and looked up at his bridge crew, who began to cheer as they revealed their joy. Smiles were on everyone's faces. Jim relaxed, smiling and clapping as well.

"You are a wonderful crew. "

"And we're proud to serve with you, Captain," Uhura replied with a smile.

She was approved by the entire bridge crew. Jim was touched by her response. He thanked her with a gesture, knowing full well that her gaze would convey his gratitude.

Then the applause stopped, and everyone went back to their work. Jim leaned back against the back of his chair, feeling a huge weight lift off his chest. A good thing had been done, and he was sure he would have a much better night.

Jim followed the Enterprise's progress through the nebula closely. He couldn't make any preventive arrangements for the storms, but there was still a lot of repair work to be done. While most of the work had been done, there were still many systems that needed to be repaired, checked and brought back online.

He was forced to look at all the damage reports and decide which of the following repairs he would prioritize. The Enterprise's life support systems were in good working order. But the botanical walkway, some of the living quarters and homes had been affected. Electrical malfunctions mostly, but Jim didn't want to take the chance that unresolved problems would make their situation worse.

It was taking him a long time, and a lot more energy than he thought it would. He was back to his usual routine, consulting the mass of data while probably drinking several quarts of coffee. When Spock joined him on the bridge at the end of his shift, they discussed the status of the ship and the operation of the propulsion system. Everything seemed to be in order, and Scotty felt that the surveillance could be relaxed a little more. Jim didn't mind when Spock took his leave.

He stayed on the bridge for a while after his shift was over before deciding to return to his quarters. For the first time in a long time, he was careful about the time he went to dinner, making sure he didn't forget an appointment he'd been given. It would do him good, now that his beauty was behaving better and was functional again.

Jim had this goofy smile on his face, so relieved that things were slowly coming back to normal. It felt good. He hadn't had such good news in a long time. And it made him forget everything that was wrong. He walked through the door, his smile still on his face. Until he encountered an obstacle just beyond, which showed little resistance. Jim had just enough time to catch her.

"Captain!" exclaimed Uhura.

"Lieutenant! I'm sorry! "

Jim released her when she was on her feet.

"I'm really sorry, I wasn't paying attention on the way out... "

He scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. Uhura smiled at him.

"Nothing serious Captain. I wanted to ask you to join us for dinner. "

Jim grimaced.

"Ah, I have another commitment for tonight. Tomorrow? "

Uhura smiled at him again.

"Tomorrow. "

They both headed for the turbolift. The silence between them lasted only a few seconds.

"Have you had a conversation with Spock recently? "

Jim was surprised by the question.

"On the bridge, maybe four hours ago? "

The lieutenant shook her head negatively.

"I was thinking more of a private discussion. He looks... worried. "

Jim felt a chill run down his back as his heart skipped a beat. What should they have talked about in private ? Did Spock know something about him ?! Did Uhura know something ?! An alarm in Jim's head was blaring: definitely a red alert. His fear made him react with humor.

"When does Spock not look worried, huh? "

He tried to laugh at his joke, but Uhura was dead serious. She sighed, turning her head away as they boarded the turbolift. She, too, was looking worried now. Jim was concerned as well.

"Is there a problem with Spock I should know about? "

Uhura shook her head.

"No, it's nothing. I'm probably just imagining things. "

The semblance of a smile she gave him did not convince him for a second, but he let it go. If there really was something to it, Spock would come and tell him. Hopefully this whole thing had nothing to do with how Jim felt about Spock. Well, feel was a big word... wasn't it? There was just one thing.

"Good night, Captain! See you tomorrow! "

Uhura stepped out of the turbolift and waved. Jim greeted her.

"Good evening Uhura! "

And the doors closed, leaving Jim slightly disturbed by the conversation.

He continued on his way to the officers' mess. Kera was waiting for him by the door and her face lit up when she spotted him.

"Captain! The others have just returned. "

Jim gave her a big smile.

"Sorry for the wait. Are you all right? "

She nodded.

"As well as you seem to be! "

The Bajoran blushed as they went to get their trays. Kera walked past, directing them to the table where Caleb and Hedik had sat. Carol was also at their table and several signs joined them. Jim found himself surrounded by members of his crew whom he had not seen much of, or with whom he had done ship repairs, including Yoren and Shura.

The mood at the table was cheerful. Warm, funny, really nice. Jim was sitting between Caleb, who was still trying to hit on Carol, and Yoren, who was extolling the virtues of Scotty, true exploits in which he did not fail to add some more than hilarious anecdotes. Shura talked about his twin sister, who had a very similar character to Scotty. Then the conversation drifted to family, friends, and what they were going to do on their leave. While Jim was not personally comfortable with these topics, the stories of his crew made him forget that discomfort.

He recorded the moment in his memory. Because the feeling he had warmed his heart more than he thought it would. He was happy, really happy that his crew could express themselves so freely in his presence while he was their Captain. Some of the anecdotes were personal and could be compromising, but everyone seemed to have forgotten him, considering him an equal at the table.

That sense of belonging he felt, he cherished more than anything. It also reminded him of why he had joined Starfleet, and what he had liked about being part of a crew. That spirit of camaraderie, of helping each other, of togetherness and unity. All of us standing up to the unknown of space, ready to discover the wonders of the universe together. His evening extended to the recreational areas, always in the company of the same people.

That night, when Jim closed his eyes, he thought he had just had one of the best nights of his life.

Jim watched the scrolling pictures with great attention. The Enterprise continued its slow advance through the nebula. He didn't want to advance their speed to preserve their warp drive and he was paying close attention to the pictures of the debris still present. The identification indicated old Reman and Romulan wrecks, small ships, some of which did not even have weapons.

The pieces of wreckage they came across were increasingly scattered, indicating that they were even older. This news was more than reassuring. It limited the chances of them being attacked, and the Enterprise clearly didn't need to enter space combat. According to Scotty, the deflectors were restored to 98% efficiency. They'd been through a lot worse, but their integrity was weakened and with heavy weaponry, it would hurt.

"Captain, an outside call for you. "

Jim snapped out of his thoughts with a frown. He swiveled his chair toward Uhura, who explained next:

"Admiral Lorne McLaren. "

Jim was even more surprised. He rose from his chair.

"Put him through to my quarters. Tell him I'll be right there. "

He entered the turbolift, curious as to the reason for the call. Jim knew Lorne quite well. He'd met him through Captain Pike, and the two of them had served together. Lorne McLaren was a respectable man with a great sense of humor. Jim had had more than one drink with him, and he was one of the few senior officers he got along with.

As soon as he was in his quarters, he retrieved the call. Immediately, Lorne's face appeared on the screen. Since Pike's funeral, the last time he'd seen him, his hair had turned gray.

"Jim! It's good to see you again! "

The man smiled broadly and waved at him.

"Hi Mac! Me too! Your hair looks like it's faded a lot since I last saw you! "

Lorne leaned forward and squinted at the screen.

"And you look like you've lost some hair, don't you? "

Jim ran his hands through his hair much more hastily. When he heard McLaren's mocking laugh, he glared at him.

"My mane will bury you. "

He couldn't help but smile as he said it. Lorne laughed again.

"We really need to get together when you get back. I'm still stationed at Starbase 32, but that won't be a problem. "

Jim nodded.

"Yes. I hear you're running for President. I'm sure you'll make a good leader. "

Lorne smiled at him.

"Thank you. I've got a lot of work to do on that and at least a term or two before I run! If you ever get tired of exploring, don't hesitate to let me know! I could use a knucklehead like you to help me. Even if you don't look like it, you have a gift for diplomacy; whatever you say! Not to mention your unsuspected genius. A guy like you would do wonders in the upper ranks of society. "

Jim scratched the back of his neck with an embarrassed smile. He turned the conversation away.

"I'm sure you're not calling me to stroke my ego, or to recruit me for another position. What did you want to talk to me about? "

Lorne straightened up in his seat, but his demeanor was still casual. Jim understood that the conversation was still friendly.

"Well, I heard that the Commander's position on your ship is going to open up soon, so I wanted to ask you a favor. I've got some good people who really deserve a promotion to Executive Officer, and I'd like to-"

Jim stopped him with a gesture.

"Wait, slow down. Commander's job? "

The blond felt a chill run through his body as he felt himself bubbling. Lorne didn't notice his change in attitude.

"Yes, on the Enterprise. I've got a friend in the transfer department, you know, Pat, the pretty blonde who scares the crap out of me, but she's super nice; she told me she got the request from your Commander... uh... Spock, right? Pat's doing me a favor for my guys, so I get a little advance notice. "

Jim felt the heat in his body as he was so angry. He made a considerable effort to appear calm.

"Yes, I see. Do you have a list of names you want me to look at? "

McLaren's smile was so genuine and relieved that Jim almost felt bad for reacting that way.

"Yes, that would be great. You don't have to do anything, don't worry about it. "

Jim nodded his head.

"Do you have a specific name you want me to look at more closely? "

McLaren smiled at him as he replied.

"As a matter of fact, I do. Edward Roddenberry. He served under me on the USS Liberty. He's currently Lieutenant Commander of the USS Excalibur. "

Jim tried hard to stay focused on the conversation.

"A beautiful ship, the Excalibur. A Constitution class. Is he sure he wants to go? "

"He's under the command of Captain Sol Khârn. "

Jim grimaced. He'd had the misfortune of meeting this captain and talking to him. After that, he was sure he hated him.

"Send me your list, I'll look it over. "

Lorne gave him a grateful look.

"Thank you very much Jim. "

He nodded.

"I have to go Mac. See you around. "

"See you around, Jim. Take care of yourself. "

And the call went dead.

Jim let his fury rise again. Spock had asked for a transfer and it had to be someone else who told him. Spock had decided to leave. He was leaving. Not once had he hinted at it, nor had he warned him about resigning his position.

He sat down in a chair, feeling his blood pulsing at his temples. He was seeing red. More than red. Once again, Spock had bypassed him, bypassed the chain of command. He had completely overridden his duties. What Jim was feeling right now, aside from his anger, was pain. It hurt to hear that he was leaving. To learn that he had made this decision without telling him first. It hurt to hear it like that.

Did he think so little of Spock after all ? Jim had thought he was more than just his Captain, he was his friend. He thought he would have confided in him. Jim would have taken the news badly, of course, but he would have been less hurt than if he had heard it from someone else. People on the outside were more aware of what was going on in his ranks while he was there. At what point was this a normal situation ?

Jim clutched his head in his hands, trying to calm his breathing. His hands were shaking, his blood was pulsing and he was hot from the reaction. And as the thought of Spock's departure, of his initiative, slowly made its way into his mind, with all the consequences that went with it, he felt his heart clench.

He couldn't experience any greater rejection than this. Again. To think he was only good at scaring away the people he really cared about. He had to be a good loser not to know what he was driving them away for. Between Tony, who had left with the program of a lifetime, and Spock, who was leaving his command...

Jim had the feeling that he was only good for being thrown away. What had he done to Spock to make him reject him like that? What had he done wrong? Had he violated the Prime Directive one too many times? Had he touched his arm once too often? Had he put his crew in danger once too often?

Was he a very bad captain ? The thought plagued him. He wished Pike was still alive. He wished he had lived, rather than him. Pike would never have gone through this kind of situation in his place. He would have handled everything in a different way. The Enterprise would not have been damaged, Spock would have remained loyal enough to him not to resign his position.

He closed his eyes. He suddenly thanked Mac for all the flattery. Jim had to pull himself together. He was better than this. He was capable of leading, maybe not perfectly, but he was capable. He needed to feel better about himself.

A sound from his PADD told him that he had received the information McLaren was sending him. The list. The one to replace Spock. The one he would have to consult to fill the critical gap in his position. Jim gritted his teeth. He would look at that list. He'd told Mac he would, and he would keep his word. If Spock wanted to leave...then let him leave.

Jim could rely on his crew, if not his first officer. He would know how to be a good Captain without him. If Spock wanted to act that way with him, then Jim would do the same. He would remain professional, more so than Spock would have been in his maneuvering.

He grabbed his PADD and sat down at his table, opening the first file. The one on Edward Roddenberry's file, Mac's protégé. Despite the attention and seriousness with which he read the file, Jim was still driven by his anger, and the pain of having been betrayed. He tried to block it out, concentrating on his work. He had to look at each proposal, comparing the skills of each one, the experience of each one and the comments of their superiors.

He had put himself in the shoes of a recruiter, and if the position was going to be vacant soon, he needed to expand his list of choices. Jim consulted the Starfleet database, selected a few people he felt were qualified, and then moved on to the personnel who deserved promotion on his ship: of all the people on board, in all objectivity, Bones and Sulu were the best candidates for promotion to First Officer.

Jim doubted Bones' willingness to be promoted, let alone in this way. But for Sulu... Jim saw real potential. Sulu would be able to move up, run his own ship, and who knows, move on to an even brighter future. He had witnessed Sulu's ability to command many times, to stand firm and make tough decisions objectively. He had good leadership skills, no doubt about it.

Jim selected a short list of potential replacements and waited in front of the screen. His resentment and anger toward Spock caused him to throw the list in Spock's face, along with some unglamorous words. His grief drove him to ask Spock for an explanation, to go to Engineering and ask him his reasons for leaving.

For a moment he thought that maybe McLaren was wrong. That Pat must have misunderstood, that the information was wrong. A quick check in the hierarchy database reduced this hope. The request was there in Spock's name. No doubt about it. Jim knew then that he would not be able to see him face to face. Because if he did, he'd be out of his mind.

He looked at the clock. His shift was over a while ago. He had spent most of his time looking at the Starfleet officers' files. Organizing a replacement like this was going to take time and it was going to be a lot of work to get used to working with someone else. To think it had taken him months to coordinate with Spock...

Jim left his PADD on his table and headed for the bathroom, feeling a tremendous need to take a shower. He needed to clear his head, to relax, to get his bearings. The more he thought about it, the more Spock's act hurt him. It was like being stabbed with extreme slowness and feeling the blade sink in painfully.

He couldn't accept the fact that Spock hadn't told him. That he'd gone behind his back, that he'd heard it from someone else. Who else knew about this? He felt this pressure on his heart, oppressive. Maybe Spock didn't respect him enough. After all, he was a Vulcan, and Jim had everything to dislike about him. Unpredictable, thoughtless, instinctive.

He stepped out of the shower and looked at his reflection in the mirror before turning his head away. He did not want to face this pitiful air that he had on the face. He dried himself and put his towel around his hips, time to go back to his room and fall on his bed. Staring at the pristine white ceiling, he was getting worried about what to do next. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to react.

At least his anger had subsided. It was better that way. He wasn't good at dealing with his anger. He was better at hiding his pain. Or not. He sighed and forced himself to get up and get dressed. He was putting on a gray Starfleet shirt when the intercom on his door rang. Jim swallowed as he finished dressing, his heart racing as he dreaded a face-to-face meeting with Spock. He opened the door.

"Captain! "

Jim held back a sigh of relief as the door opened on Uhura.

"Lieutenant! What can I do for you? "

Uhura frowned.

"I was coming to pick you up for dinner. Do you remember? "

It took Jim several seconds before he remembered their conversation from the night before. And what Uhura had told him. The memory gripped his heart. She had to know. The words came out of his mouth faster than he could have imagined.

"You knew. "

The bitter tone too, he couldn't hold it in. Uhura raised an eyebrow.

"Knew what ? "

Jim felt foolish, but he was on a roll. His heart sank, and he answered in a neutral tone:

"About Spock's mutation. You were telling me about that yesterday, weren't you? "

The look of shock on Uhura's face was genuine. She took a step back.

"What do you mean, Spock's mutation? I've never heard of that. "

Jim looked away for a moment. He didn't know if he should be relieved or surprised that Uhura didn't know. Then he looked at her again. She looked hurt. It made him feel bad.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I thought that at least he would have told to you... "

Uhura shook her head.

"No, he didn't tell me. How did you know if... ah. The Admiral's call? "

He nodded. Uhura gave him a sympathetic look. Jim took a deep breath.

"Can you keep the information to yourself, please? I'd like to discuss it with him before the crew finds out. I'd like to... understand. "

Even if the truth might be painful. He bit his lip, realizing that he had not been able to remain neutral.

"No problem, I understand. I guess you're not coming to dinner. "

Jim forced himself to smile.

"Some other time, I promise. I still have a lot of work to do. "

She nodded, that sad look on her face. He had hurt her in spite of himself. She greeted him and he did the same before closing the door.

Jim felt bad. He didn't know how to react to what he had just learned. As far as he knew, the people Spock was closest to were Uhura and himself. At least, that's what he had thought until now. He didn't know Spock as well as he thought he did, obviously.

To take his mind off things, Jim pulled a bottle of bourbon he'd been saving from one of his cupboards. He opened it and poured himself a glass before settling down at his table, reserving the view of the space for himself.

He remained immersed in his thoughts for a long moment. So much so that he did not see the time pass. When the intercom on his door buzzed, Jim thought it was his imagination. That, or maybe the fact that his mind was slowing down from the drinks he'd had. The ringing became insistent, so he forced himself to get up, not caring if he was spotted drunk. After all, he wasn't working. He had the right to relax too.

The door opened on Uhura, who had returned. He frowned.

"Sorry to bother you, but... I think you should read this. "

She handed him a book. Old but in good condition, hardcover with a leather binding. The inscription on the cover was indecipherable, but Jim recognized the Vulcan symbols. Uhura resumed:

"I've marked the pages that you must read. I got this book so I could better understand Spock's culture, but I think it will be more useful to you. "

Jim looked at the book. He looked up at Uhura with a frown.

"I don't understand. "

Uhura put a hand on his arm.

"If you want to understand what I was talking about yesterday, read it. It'll help you. "

Jim still didn't understand, but she had aroused his curiosity.

"Okay. I'll take a look at it. "

She smiled at him.

"Good night, Captain. "

"Good night Uhura. "

She immediately turned and Jim stood in the doorway for a moment more, thinking.

He returned to his table, examining the book. The smell of the old pages was quite telling about the dating of the writing, but it seemed rare. Jim loved paper books; he enjoyed turning the pages as he read much more than scrolling through the words on a screen. When he opened it, he noticed the bookmarks Uhura had inserted inside. Curious to understand, he began reading a chapter entitled: « Katra ».

Jim closed the book and placed it on his bedside table, running his hands through his hair. He stood there for a moment, staring at the wall in front of his bed, his eyes blank and lost. Heaps of questions were jostling in his head, tons of information were recorded in his memory without him knowing what to do with it.

He got up to get some water, shaken because he had read. In one night he had learned more about the ways of the Vulcans than he had in all his time with Spock. He had read the entire book. Because he wanted to make sure he understood what Uhura was implying by having marked specific pages, and that idea, the idea that she was right, made him unable to think of anything else.

And then, what he'd read about this katra thing, about telepathic sensitivity, about what vulcans called "kissing"... Damn it. Jim couldn't give an order of magnitude on how many times he'd touched Spock's hands. There was that time he'd pulled Spock by the hand to get him out of an abyss, that time he'd held on to him because he'd hurt his leg, that time he'd caressed his hand when he was consoling him...

Jim felt the red rise and color his cheeks and ears. He had stroked Spock's hand. His fingers. Holy shit ! Goddamn it ! He swore over a million times in his head as he grabbed his hair. That was when things had started to get weird between them! That damn time he had snapped at Spock! He had touched his hand, his fingers,... Goddamn it, it was that touch that had made him run away! Spock had just tried to comfort him and he...he had...

Panicked, Jim paced around his quarters, still cursing but loudly as he realized the even bigger discrepancy in behavior he had had with Spock. He had screwed up. All over the place. He grabbed his PADD and launched an internal comm, straight to the medical deck. Bones' face appeared on a projected screen in his lounge.

"Jim? What-"

"Bones, you need to come now ! In my quarters ! Emergency ! "

On the screen, Bones frowned and turned to check that Jim hadn't alerted anyone by shouting, but there was no one there. Jim then insisted.

"I sexually harassed Spock. "

Bones walked over to the screen with a start, his eyes wide.

"You dit WHAT ?! "

Jim was too panicked to find Bones' shocked face in holographic projection amusing. Bones got up from his chair.

"I'm on my way. "

The call broke off.

Jim ran his hands through his hair, half tugging at it. That was why Spock was distancing himself so much! And if you add up those gestures, there was the way he talked to him, there were all those times he touched him informally, all those times he sought him out... If Spock had noticed, no doubt he might think it was harassment and want to leave without telling him.

He heard Bones knock on his door before he dialed the emergency code to enter his quarters. He entered the living room equipped with his tricorder and his first aid kit. Bones came in and almost shoved the device in his eyes.

"You brought your tricorder ?! Seriously ?! "

"I'm more worried about your sanity than ever before, given what you just told me ! "

Bones insisted on sticking the tricorder on him for a while longer. When he read the results of the device, he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank God you're drunk. "

Jim glared at him.

"I was drunk yesterday. I stopped. Bones, I'm serious. "

Bones glared at him.

"Well, from the look on your face, I'm sorry I don't take you seriously. And you reek of alcohol."

The doctor pointed to the bathroom and Jim went in to confirm Bones' statement. Okay. Pulling his hair back furiously, he looked more like a madman straight out of an asylum. The dark circles didn't help. He fixed his hair and joined Bones.

"Let me explain. "

He retrieved the book Uhura had lent him and handed it to Bones. He then began his story, starting with the call from Admiral McLaren.

It took him a while to tell his story, and Bones only interrupted him to get more details. As he told his story, Jim went through anger, pain, sadness, panic. He was panicked that he had hurt Spock by doing what he had done. Maybe Spock had filed a complaint against him and he wouldn't know about it until Spock came along. He took his head in his hands again.

"I don't know what to do, Bones. If I tell him to stay, it might be taken the wrong way. And if I let him go, it might be taken the wrong way too. "

Bones flipped through the pages of the vulcan book.

"Spock is logical. Straight, firm, and with a strong character. He wouldn't let you walk all over him even if you were his Captain and especially if you made sexual advances. Knowing him, he would have turned you down more firmly if it bothered him. He must know that you didn't know the meaning of this... "Vulcan kiss" as they say. Although with your hands, it's super weird. Anyway, the point is that this whole harassment thing is getting to your head for nothing. You read the part about... " Bones flipped through the pages. "There. About the word « Tihila » ? "

Jim leaned over the doctor's shoulder to understand.

"I read the whole book, Bones. It means « friend, brother, lover ». Super rare connection. "

Bones turned to him.

"And out of everything in this book, it's the part about the « Vulcan kiss » that you remember and not this one ?! Damn it Jim, you really need to tell me who said you were a genius, so I can tell him how badly he screwed up ! "

Jim didn't take the hint. He read the first few lines over Bones' shoulder. It described very well how he felt in Spock's presence. He hadn't given it much thought because it was a Vulcan thing, and Jim was human and didn't have any « telepathic » abilities or anything. And then it was almost back to Vulcan legend, that story!

"Bones, this is extremely rare and I'm human! "

The doctor shook the book in his hand.

"I don't see anything about race in it. I read « katra ». It's like the soul, isn't it ? Or the spirit ? I haven't read what it says, but it doesn't seem to be about biology. And last time I checked, we have a soul. "

Jim crossed his arms, doubtful.

"Do you believe in these stories of invisible links or soul mates? "

Bones shrugged.

"I'd be crazy not to believe it with all the weirdness we see ! A giant green hand from space, another parallel dimension, time reversals, a haunted mansion-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it! " Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. "If that's what caused Spock to leave... I can't let that happen. In any case, I can't let him go. "

Bones sighed.

"You should discuss this with him before you make a decision that could change the course of your life. "

Jim lowered his head. The thought that Spock hadn't said anything to him at all, that he'd kept him away... it made him sad. Really sad.

"If this is it, Spock will never tell me. "

"Even if you ask him? After all, a Vulcan never lies, right? "

Jim smiled faintly at his last sentence.

"Vulcans have a way of deflecting questions without answering them. I want to make sure that's what it is, before I talk to him. I... I need to check before I face him. "

Bones in turn got a sad look on his face.

"So... you'd be willing to do what I think for him? Leave the Enterprise? "

Jim turned his head to the view he had of space. He would never tire of seeing this landscape. Of marveling at the dark vastness outside the ship. He turned his head back to Bones.

"I think I owe him at least that. "

He took another glass and put it in front of Bones, then took his own, pouring in the bourbon he had started the night before. They toasted and sipped their drinks in silence.

Jim stood in front of the screen, still hesitating to make the call. After his drink with Bones, he had decided to pull himself together and take some responsibility. First and foremost, he had to figure out what this was all about. He had washed and dressed and had lunch with Bones in the infirmary, discussing the other casualties and the gossip. Then he had resumed his watch, stayed on deck for a while and returned to his quarters. And now... now he hesitated.

He pressed the button to start the call. Jim didn't know if he was going to be a bother or not, but he knew he would hear from the person he was talking to quickly. After a few seconds of waiting, the familiar face appeared on the screen.

"Jim! How nice to see you! "

Jim gave a big, sincere smile.

"It's a pleasure to see you, Ambassador Spock. I hope you are well. "

The wrinkles on Spock's face almost formed a smile. Even the features of age looked good on Spock.

"I am doing well. The New Vulcan still demands a lot of my time, but it is always a pleasure to talk with you. How are things going on your end? "

Jim smiled faintly.

"Let's just say it could be better. I'm sort of calling you about it. "

Spock raised an eyebrow. Jim scratched the back of his neck, hesitating on how to launch himself.

"What I have to ask you is rather... personal. "

He could see the concern on the Ambassador's face.

"I couldn't answer on behalf of Spock. "

Jim shook his head.

"It is your experience I wish to have. "

Spock Prime nodded. Jim ventured.

"What was your relationship with your Jim Kirk? "

The Ambassador displayed a nervous twitch. Jim knew that tic well.

"We had a Captain to Commander relationship. "

Jim shook his head.

"I didn't mean that kind of relationship. Would the correct term be « t'hi'la » or « t'hy'la »? "

Spock hesitated before answering. Jim felt his heart clench. He knew before Spock even said anything that his doubts were well founded.

"It's « t'hy'la ». You haven't discussed this with Spock? "

Jim couldn't help but smile. He recognized the art of deflecting questions. He had learned to play the same game.

"Have you? "

He could see the thoughtful look on Spock's face.

"We were able to keep it professional and eventually our paths diverged and... got lost. "

Jim looked down. He had caught a glimpse of what Spock might have lost. The mind-meld he had shared with Spock Prime had left more of a mark on his memory than he had expected. Now that he knew about the whole « t'hy'la » thing, he understood why it had left more of a mark than what had been explained to him about the mind-meld. Spock Prime was now... alone. He clenched his jaw, looking up at Spock.

"Do you regret your decision? "

Spock Prime was thoughtful. He was really thinking about it. Jim let him, thinking about everything the Ambassador had been through. He heard the Vulcan take a long breath before giving his verdict.

"No. "

The answer was a slap in the face. Jim clenched his jaw as Spock explained.

"What we went through was... unique. What we did, the hardships we went through, these discoveries, with Jim, the Enterprise crew, and years later, have filled me. I guess you could say I've had a full and beautiful life. If I had it to do over again, I would. "

Jim lowered his head to hide the pain he was feeling. Spock continued.

"However... I have often wondered how our lives might have turned out if we had shared our feelings. "

Jim looked up at Spock. He could see the sad look in his eyes. There was no emotion in his voice or in his face, but his eyes... Seeing that pain in his eyes made him want to touch him, to comfort him. He might not be his Spock, but he was still a very similar version of him. Jim nodded.

"Thank you, Ambassador. "

Spock nodded.

"Be well, Jim. "

Jim nodded and cut the line. Silence fell over the room, becoming even heavier than what he had just heard.