I don't own "TRIGUN" and any of its characters!! I again apologize for my horrible grammar!
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Goldie Noggin and the Three Gunmen!
Once upon a time, in a far away land lived an old cranky woman ("Hey, not again!" a bitchy Meryl said. "Why do I always have to be the old cranky woman? AND I'M NOT A BITCH!!!!!") and her incredibly handsome daughter, Goldie Noggin.
"Goldie Noggin? Hey, I thought we settled this with that huge cash amount I paid you earlier." Cried Vash, who was saying this in his dressing room.
The authoress replies, "I'm sorry, Vash sweetie, but that's show biz! You did ask for the lead role. You didn't ask for what it was!"
"Aw poor Vash the Stampede…" said a sarcastic Meryl, "serves you right! Trying to bribe the authoress."
"You're just pissed that the authoress gave you another crappy role! Although, you do fit the role perfectly!" said the gunman, who was still in his room.
"Oh, you didn't…COME OUT HERE AND I'LL SHOW YOU PISSED!!!" She says this while banging on the door.
"Yes, Vash, come out!! I really want to see how the costume looks on you!" said the authoress.
"NO! You can't make me!"
"I SAID I COME OUT RIGHT NOW OR ELSE I'LL WRITE A HENTAI FIC WITH YOU AND YOUR BROTHER!"
"GASP!!" said everyone with a terrified look in their eyes.
"OK, but you promise not to laugh!!
"Cross my heart, I promise!" said Lady Authoress.
Vash comes out of his dressing room wearing a very short dress with petty coats fluffing up the skirt and puffy short sleeves. Think Shirley Temple here…you know…when she sings "On the Good Ship Lolly Pop"! Hey, at least he still has his usual spiky hair do.
"MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed everyone except the authoress.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!' cried Vash. "You promised you wouldn't laugh!"
"Hey, I promised I wouldn't laugh, but you didn't make everyone else promise!"
The authoress smirks. Everyone is still laughing at the spiky haired one.
"GRRRR…STOP LAUGHING, STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!" said the angry gun man. Everyone is still laughing.
Suddenly everyone hears a woman's voice coming out of nowhere chanting, "They're all gonna laugh at you!" over and over again. The laughing suddenly stops.
"Hey, where is that voice coming from?" Said Lagato.
"Umm, I though that was you?" questioned Knives.
Lagato does the generic anime/manga pointing at himself shpeal and says, "Me?"
"Yes, you!" proclaimed Meryl, "You're the one with psychic powers! So, stop it already, it's giving me the creeps!"
"Well, although I do find this rather amusing, I cannot take credit for something this good!"
"THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU! THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!" the unknown voice said, each time getting louder and louder.
Suddenly, a huge reddish glow surrounds Vash then his right arm starts to glow. The spiky haired one is looking rather very scary at the moment.
"Oh no!" cried Knives "Vash, calm down, we were just joking!"
There are now screams heard everywhere and people running to find a safe place to hide. It was pure chaos.
"Sigh, I guess I'm the only one who can stop this!" said the disgruntled authoress, who was just standing there among the ruckus. She grabs something from her book bag.
"Oh Vash," she says in a cutesy voice, "I'll give you this life time gift certificate to Krispy Creams® if you calm down and continue with this story!"
"KRISPY CREAMS®!!" Then Vash suddenly kneels down in front of Lady Authoress. "I will obey your every wish, O' master!"
"Whew!" said every one else.
"Good Needle Nogg'n! Now on with the story!"
****
So where was I…oh yes…there was an old lady with a young daughter named Goldie Noggin. They lived in the house near the edge of the woods. Goldie Noggin's mother always warns her daughter not to play in the woods because there are dangerous animals that could eat her up.
"Eat...chuckle!" chuckled Zazie, "That reminds, where are Wolfwood and Milly?"
"Oh, you don't want to know!" said Lady Authoress grumbling.
Meanwhile in Grand Mama's House…
"Achooo!" sneezed both Wolfwood and Milly.
"Looks like I'm getting a cold!" said the tall insurance girl
"Hmm, me too. I know how we can warm each other up!" said the priest? (…)
"OH, WOLFY…"
Suddenly cut's back to the main story…
"Hey, I wanted to see the rest of that!" said a disappointed Midvalley.
"Horny Freak!" grumbled the lady authoress.
"It's HORN FREAK!" yelled the horny freak!
"…"
And the story continues…
So one day, Goldie Noggin was really board and was in a mischievous mood.
"Hmm, I wonder what I'll do to day! Oh, I know, I'm gonna disobey Mommy and go frolicking in the woods. Yay!" Said the blonde in a cutesy voice.
So off Goldie Noggin went frolicking into the woods while singing a merry tune.
"Total Slaughter! Total Slaughter! I won't leave a single man alive. La de da de die! Genocide! La de da de dud! An ocean of blood! Let begin the killing time!!"
"Umm, that's a merry tune?" asked Meryl. The authoress's eye is twitching too pissed to say anything…she decides to just to go on with the story.
"Well, Knives and I found the song rather uplifting, in my opinion." Replied Lagato.
"Of course you two would!" grumbled Authoress.
"SOB…I remember Rem singing that lullaby when Vash and I were kids," reminisced Knives.
"Lullaby?" The short insurance girl, as well as everyone else was a bit shocked with this bit of information. "Well, that explains everything."
Meanwhile…
Deep in the forest there was a homely little cottage. In this homely little cottage were three bears:
Mama Bear…
Lagato, comes out in a female bear costume with a ladies hat and apron. Oddly enough he is till wearing his spiky shoulder pad.
"Umm, Lagato, that's not apart of the costume!" inquired the authoress.
I also forgot to mention that he too, had a dress on. The dress was not as bad as Vash's costume but it still looked girly looking…well, that is if one would ignore the spiky shoulder pad. For some strange reason, no one laughs, not even a snicker at his costume. He evilly glairs as the writer. "The shoulder pad stays," he said sternly, "plus, I expect my lifetime membership to Old Country Buffet after this stupid story has ended…or else!" He sends a scary image to Lady Authoress of what would happen if she did not comply.
"Eek, ok! Ok! I promise!" said a very scared writer!
Papa Bear…
Knives comes out in a manly bear costume with a hat (I think it's called a fedora?). He does not look too happy!
"I can't believe I'm doing this! You are all dead if you laugh! YOU HEAR ME, DEAD!!" the bear-ly looking plant said. "Hell, I'm not doing this!"
The blond man sits down in a gruff. "I'm not humiliating myself like my idiot brother and the rest of you peons!"
"Master, you promised me you would do this!" said a weepy eyed Lagato, who is totally out of character!
"I've slaved night and day for you, and done everything you ask! I killed people for you…even little cute puppies! I even tidied up that so-called rust bucked of a space ship and I made it into a nice little home for you! All I've done was serve you, without any expectations. Plus, I've never asked for anything in my life, until now! But nooooo…you have to be all 'I'm so better than you!' and 'I'm too good for this story.' Have you ever considered how other people feel…have you ever considered my feelings? Waaa..!"
Lagato is now bawling. Everyone else was taken aback at the psycho's…err…psychic's sudden emotional outburst.
"OK, ok! I'm sorry! Look, Gato-chan, if you stop crying I'll do it!" said Knives, who is also out of character. He hands Gato-chan a hankerchieff.
Gato-chan blows his nose and stops crying. "Sniffle...ok!" he said smiling.
"Err, Goto-chan!" whispers Rai-Dei to Mid Valley.
Mid Valley replies, "Yup, very scary!"
Suddenly, the two gun men punch each other out. No one asks why they did that, fully knowing who was the real person that incorporated their actions.
"Heh, heh, let's get on with this story! Please!"
Then, there was Baby Bear…
Zazie comes out in a baby bear costume, diaper and all! Let the laughter begin!!
"Hey, I'm not a baby! I'm Zazie, Zazie the beast! You said I will play a beast…a ferocious bear that kills innocent little girls!" said the pissed off baby bear.
"Aww, poor baby!" taunts Rai-Dei.
"Stop it, I'm not a baby! I HATE BABIES!! I'm gonna call my friends and well see who's a baby!"
He tries to call his so-called friends and realizes that the green thingy (the thingy that he calls the sand worms with) behind his hear is missing.
"Nya nya, nya nya nya!" said the authoress as she tauntingly waves the thingy in front of Zazie. "Hey Meryl catch!"
Meryl catches the green thingy!
"Aww, come on! Give it back!"
"Hey Goldie Noggin, catch!" says Meryl. Vash catches it!
Vash jumps up and down and says, "Yay, keep a way!"
"Hey, idiot, give that back to me!" says the angry blond kid, who is jumping up and down trying to snatch the green thingy back. He starts getting teary eyed.
"Come on, give it back to me! Please!"
"Aww, the poor kid is crying! Here ya go since you asked so politely!" says Vash. He hands over the monster calling thingy back to Zazie.
"Really, tha.." said a happy demonically possessed boy.
Just as the needle noggin hands the thingy back to Zazie, he quickly snatches it back and says, "PYSCH!" He, then tosses the thingy to Mid Valley.
"Yo, horny freak, catch!" The horny freak catches it!
"I should give this back to the pipsqueak just because of that insult…but making the shrimp cry is so much fun!" Mid Valley tosses the green thing back to Authoress. The boy in the bear suit almost catches it in mid air, but sadly due to his short stature, the green thingy was out of his grasp.
"SOB…stop picking on me!" cried baby in a bear costume. "And I'm not a baby!"
"Ok, ok, I had my fun! You'll get this thing-a-ma-bob back if you behave! Ok?"
"OK!" grumbled the demonically processed kid. 'As soon as I get my beast calling contraption back, I'll make you all pay!' he said to himself silently.
However, as I mentioned before, this is a story and all thoughts of the characters are ALWAYS TYPED DOWN!
"DOH!"
The story continues…
On certain days, Mama Bear Lagato cooks up a batch of honey glazed donuts. What do ya know! Today was one of those days.
"I though it was supposed to be porridge?" inquired Meryl.
"Well, since I'm the author and this is a Trigun fan fic. I made a few alterations. Also, bears love honey!"
The short insurance girl just rolls her eyes.
While waiting for the donuts to cool off they decided to go for a walk.
"Papa, shouldn't we lock the door? The forest isn't safe as it used to be, especially with that wolf eating little girls!" said Mama Bear Lagato.
Baby Bear snickers at the mention of wolf and eating.
"Don't worry Mama, I'm sure the place will be safe. Now let us go and take our ritualistic 'waiting for our donuts to cool off' stroll," said Papa Bear Knives, looking rather green after he said his lines. 'The corny-ness of this story is making me gag.'
So they strolled off into the forest leaving the door unlocked. A few minutes later Goldie Noggin comes across the bears' house.
"Oh, lookie! A cute little cottage!" said the guy in drag in a cute girly voice. Then the aroma of fresh donuts filled his lungs.
"I SMELL DONUTS!!"
He quickly runs inside to see a table with three place settings. Upon each plate was a donut. He approaches the first place setting. He picks up the donut but realizes it was too hot.
"AAAAAIIEEEEE, WHAT THE? How can a donut get that hot!" cried Vash, soothing his burned fingers. The donut melted through the plate and burned through the table.
"Super heated glaze! How original!" replied Mid Valley as he looks as the hole in the table.
"Thanks!"
He then moves towards the second place setting. He picks up the donut and bites it but sadly it gets stuck to his tongue.
"ITH THOO COWLDTH!" says the blond prying the donut off his tongue.
"Hey, aren't you taking this a bit too far!" asked Meryl.
"No, wait till my next fic!"
"Noo!" moaned everyone!
Slowly he approached the third setting. He carefully inspects the donut by poking it with a stick. (Another anime/manga cliché thingy.)
"So far, it didn't explode. It looks normal!" Vash picks it up and sniffs it. "It smells normal, too! May be it's safe to eat!"
"If I die after eating this thing, I'm gonna haunt you for the rest of your life, Authoress!"
He takes a bite. Pure ultimate joy explodes in his mouth leaving an all too warm and fluffy feeling behind as the chewed up piece of donut slides down his throat. Then he hears angels sing "alleluia" in the background, while the room is flooded with little puffy white cherubs who were dancing around him. This lasted the for a few minutes.
Goldie Noggin—still amazed of what just happened—takes another bite. Enter angels, singing, and fluffy feeling yadda yadda. This happens every time he takes a bite.
"What kind of donut is this?" asked Vash, trying to shoo the little cherubs away from his face.
"It's by Krispy Creams®," said Authoress, "That sort of stuff happens whenever I eat their donuts!"
"I think my donut's broken!" pondered Rai-Dei, who is shaking his donut trying to figure out why he didn't get the angel fluffy feeling effect.
Well, after the whole donut incident he decided to rest a bit. In the living room he found three chairs.
Goldie sat on the first chair. "This chair is too hard," complained Goldie Noggin, "Actually this chair rather suit's my brother. He likes hard things, take Lagato for instan…" suddenly Vash hits himself in the face. Guess who instigated his actions?
"Sigh, can we keep the sexual innuendo to a minimum. I'm trying to keep this PG-13!" pleaded the Authoress.
"Too late! It's already past the point of PG-13, Ms Authoress!" said the Horny Freak. "See what I mean."
"Sigh!"
He approaches the next chair, which looks rather comfy. The blond sits down!
"GAAAAAAA, THIS CHAIR IS TOO…SHARP?!" said Vash screaming in pain. He rubs his sore behind and inspects the chair. The man in a petty coat lifts up the cushions only to discover a seat of nails.
Everyone looks at Lady Authoress.
"Heh heh! Well Lagato is sort of a masochist!" said the authoress.
"Sort of…that's an understatement," Meryl sarcastically replies.
The needle noggin then looks at the last chair. It wasn't really a chair, but rather a simple harmless wooden stool. He starts poking with a stick again.
"Ok, if this is exactly like the donut, then I guess it's ok."
He carefully sits down. "Hey, this is rather comfy!"
Suddenly the gunman hears a crack.
"OOF!" said Vash crashing to the floor as the chair collapses.
"Hey, donuts are fattening! Of course the chair would collapse," said Authoress with a huge grin. "Vash, you should watch your weight!"
Vash glared at the writer. "You did that on purpose!" He says this as he notices that the legs were cut halfway.
After the whole chair adventure, our hero was getting sleepy.
"YAWN," yawned Goldie Noggin, "I'm sleepy!"
So, Goldie Noggin headed up stairs. He goes up stairs and in front of him were three beds.
"Heh, I'm going to assume that the first bed is too hard, and the second bed is a bed of nails (or some sort of pain enhancing device)." Vash looks at Mama Bear Lagato's bed to see it covered in chains, leather straps, and knives (no puns please). Also, right next to the bed was a mini fridge. He opens the mini fridge to see it was jam packed with food. Well, mostly hot dogs. "Yes the second bed is very weird and very scary. I'm going straight to the third bed!"
Just as he thought, the third bed was just right. Well, to say the least, normal looking. He immediately goes to sleep.
A couple of minutes go by, and our happy bear family comes home.
"We could of gotten back a lot sooner if Papa Bear Knives didn't get us lost!," mumbled Baby Bear Zazie.
"We were not lost, I just took a longer detour!," screamed Papa Bear.
Mama Bear Lagato realized that the door was open.
"Oh, I told you we should of locked the door! The house was probably robbed!" nagged the man in a female bear costume.
They walked in the house.
"Hey, someone has been eating my donut!" Knives said staring at the burned hole through the table. "Thank God, someone tried to eat it before me!"
"Yes, someone has been eating my donut, as well!" exclaimed Lagato, as he notices the teeth marks indented in the 'still' frozen donut.
"GRRRRRR, someone ate my donut! Whoever that person is will die!" growled the angry baby bear.
They all went to inspect the living room.
Papa Bear said while looking at his hard chair, "Someone has been sitting on my chair!"
Rai-dei and Mid Valley chuckle. "Hard..giggle!" chuckled the samurai.
Mama Bear notices the cushions from his chair were sprawled all over the floor. "Ditto!" He sits on the chair. "Hey, it's a lot comfier now!"
Then we see poor baby bear sobbing. "MY CHAIR! OH, I'M GONNA MAKE THAT PERSON SUFFER WHOEVER DESTOYED MY CHAIR. I'M GONNA RIP HIS GIZARDS OUT AND MAKE HIM EAT IT."
"Umm, Zazie, that's not really what your supposed to say!" said Authoress.
"Hey, I'm ad-libbing," said the boy in a baby bear costume, "sheesh, there's always room for artistic development!"
The authoress eye is twitching. "Artistic development…?"
The story continues…
The bear family decides to go up stairs to see what else the intruder destroyed.
Both Papa and Mama Bear where happy to see that their beds were untouched.
Rai-dei raises his hand.
"Why are you raising your hand Rai-dei?" asked the authoress.
"I have a question."
The authoress eye begins to twitch again. "Yes, what is your question?"
"Well, if Papa Bear sleeps in his own bed and Mama Bear sleeps in her own bed, how did they make Baby Bear?"
"Actually, that does make a lot of sense. How did they make Baby Bear if they didn't sleep together?" asked Mid Valley.
"Sigh," said the disgruntled authoress, "how the hell am I supposed to know, this is a kid's fairy tai.."
"I've got it," replied Monev the Gale, who was jumping up and down, at the same time disrupting the authoress's rant, "I know how they got baby bear."
"OKAY, how, oh, how did, Mr. Gale, did they produce Baby Bear?" said the writer sarcastically.
"The stork brought him!"
Everyone face faults!
"Hahaha, that's funny Monev!" laughed Mid Valley. "Seriously, you don't believe that babies come from storks, do you?"
"Umm no," said Monev. Everyone was a bit relieved that he said no. However he wasn't finished. "They came from the baby factory. The storks deliver them. That's where babies come from...right?"
"Oh, this is getting ridiculous!" cried the authoress. "No babies don't come from the baby factory!"
"It's when a man and a woman.." The sex…err…sax man then ponders a bit. "Hey, lets head on over to Grand Mama's house, I'll show you how babies are made!"
A shoe hits Mid Valley straight in the face.
"Horny Freak!" said Meryl, as she whacks him in the head with a tuba…don't know where the tuba came from, but it worked.
The authoress looks very pleased at Meryl's abrupt interruption of 'Horny freak's' sex education lesson. "Thank you Meryl. Monev, after this story I'll tell you where babies come from. Ok, now let's get this story over already!"
Again the story continues…
Mama Bear and Papa Bear were please to find their beds unharmed. Sadly for Baby Bear, that wasn't the case.
"Waaaaa, there's a blond drag queen in my bed," cried Baby Bear.
As for the drag queen, he was sleeping soundly and snoring loudly. "Meryl, ohh Meryl…ohhhh," moaned the gun man.
"GASP," gasped everyone except the short insurance girl, who was turning beat red.
Again we hear more moans and groans from Vash. "Ohhh, little insurance girl, you're so freaky…don't put those donuts there…ohhhhhhhhh…"
Then comes the laughter.
"STOP LAUGHING AT ME! STOP! DAMMIT VASH WAKE UP!" The black haired girl is slapping the hell out of the Vash, but to no avail, he doesn't wake up.
"Yeah baby, slap me some more, you know how I like it…ohhhhh!"
More laughter.
"STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!"
The insurance girl starts to glow red and the weird voice starts chanting "they're all gonna laugh at you" over and over again. Then, the sky started to darken and objects start flying all over the room.
"Hey, I thought I'm the only one that had psychic powers!" said Lagato.
Then, an armored car (that suddenly came out of no where), lands right on top of Lagato.
"OMG, everyone stop laughing!" cried the authoress.
But it was too late, she glowed brighter and redder.
"For the love of all that's sacred, MERYL CALM DOWN!! I'll give you the lead role for my next story if you just calm down."
Meryl seemed to snap out of it then suddenly Vash wakes up.
"::YAWN:: What's going on?" Vash notices Meryl. "Hey Meryl, I just dreamed about you."
"OH NO!!" Everyone cried…well except Meryl.
BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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"So, Authoress, since the story is over…about my question.." asked Monev dusting debris (from the explosion) off his cloths.
"Sigh…ok what cha want to know," sighed the authoress.
FINI
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Author notes:
Thanks a bunch everyone for the lovely comments!! I'll try to write more!!
Answer to Moon Beam Girl's question: I actually got it from reading a bunch of fanfics from other anime (mostly Slayers) and thought Trigun should do it's own fractured fairytales. Anyways, thanks for telling me about the site. I really enjoyed viewing the manga scans!!!