--**Short memories, look here**--
Disclaimer: Owning nothing. Please don't sue.
Title: Study Buddies
Rating: R -- for no apparent reason, it just has that R feel.
Summary: OK, you know the quote -- but do you know the whole story? No? Neither do I. But never fear - Chapter Three is here! No. I am not a poet.
The Possibly Drunk Alcoholic's Turn -- Hermione's POV
Chapter Three
Is it me or am I going crazy? Or is it both? I feel I'm not at liberty to answer my own questions anymore, since the probability is I won't come up with a coherent answer. Slurring is my speciality. You cannot even understand what I am saying, which is when I decide to tell the person I'm talking to what I really think of them. Just show a little teeth and they'll think you're the sweetest smashed person in the world. Try it. If it doesn't work you lose a friend, but you get a money-back guarantee. Oh Dear Lord, you're dim. You actually thought I was going to pay you.
But before I launch into a talk about nothing that really matters anyway, I will proceed to answer my own questions since none of anyone seems to be being any help.
Is it me or am I going crazy?
Well. It is me. Or else it wouldn't be my own question. You know, sometimes I sit and think -- which now is not very often -- how does that expression make any sense? Is it me? Yes. And if it isn't you, well, that's one darn good replica you got going there. Or perhaps it's an alien. But then you'd have to go through all your "The Truth Is Out There" books, to actually answer that question correctly. Oh, by the way, if you haven't yet guessed I am completely and absolutely drunk. Drunk as Drunk Draco. Which is actually quite impressive.
And I've just realised that I still haven't answered my own question. I've just rambled and talked about aliens and expressions and Drunk Draco. Speaking of the drunk man himself, here he comes. Hello. Well. Now, that's no good. I've forgotten to speak. That may be a good thing in other cases, but not this one. Then the slurring thing won't work. Practice.
"Hello."
There that wasn't so bad. Hell-o. Or perhaps it's Hel-lo. Or maybe it's He-llo. Oh God. I told you I'm drunk.
"Hi. You're pissed."
"You're good."
"I'm settled." He stretches on the couch he joined me on. It's unfortunate. It's unfortunate because whoever was designing these couches must have thought -- "What is the most absolutely disgusting colour there is?" Then decided on one I can't even categorise. It's a mix between vomit and vomit and shit. There. Now, doesn't that paint a pretty picture?
"What's everyone doing?" I pretend to sound interested. The only person I remotely care about is Ron, because over an hour ago he had locked himself in the bathroom with what he liked to call "informative magazines." Dear God. Now that I think about it my friends are unfortunately dim. Which means I am in turn unfortunate. And laughing. Oh. Yes. Here comes the 'emotional Hermione.'
Draco looks at me. "I haven't said anything yet. Why are you laughing?"
My mind draws a blank. Then I do actually find something funny. "Your shoes."
Draco turns red. "What's wrong with them?"
"They're pink."
"They're red."
"They're pink-red."
"They're red-pink."
"Ha! Got ya!" I grin at him. To my surprise, he grins back. Then he stops.
"Why is the house so boring?"
"I'm not boring."
"Ah ... you're the exception."
"I am?" Excited.
"Well, you're the drunk exception." He stops yet again. "Come to that. Why are you the drunk exception, Hermione?"
Wow. Wow. Wow. With an exclamation point I can't be bothered printing. Draco Malfoy's taking an interest in mine. Flattered. Disturbed. More disturbed than flattered. Let's not forget he's evil. Well, kind of. He is a bastard, of course. Of course. But not all bastards are that bad. Perhaps he's a sweet as sugar. Somewhere. In his ear. Yes. Why his ear? I'll get back to you --
"Well, Draco. It all started when ... " I scrunch up my face trying to remember. It doesn't help much, it just makes my face hurt. A lot. I stop. "Potions lesson. The week after beginning of seventh year. You made fun of me," I say, pointing a finger at him.
"I made fun of you all the time, Hermione."
"Yes, well ... it was at a very vulnerable time. You know ... that time ... catching on?"
"Nope." He smiles. "Yes."
"Yes, OK. Well, you were a prick and I was distraught and then that night Lavender invited me to come out with her and I did. And I drank. And I drank some more. And more ... And then ... Here I am." The End.
"Wow."
"Yep."
"I made you distraught."
"Draco ... that time."
"Right. Right. Well, I have to say I am disappointed."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
"You were expecting an epic?"
"I was."
"I can make it more interesting ... Once upon a time, there was an extremely attractive girl who was very smart and --"
"Granger."
I look at him and give him a sharp look. "My name is Hermione."
"Right. Sorry, Granger." He coughs as if to cover it up. Even in my drunk state I know what's going on. I'm not dim. Not that dim anyway. Well. A bit dim.
"Shut up. You know if you don't shut up your smarmy little mouth soon, I'll --"
"Where the fuck is your 'Off' button?"
I glare at him. Then smile, and say sarcastically, "You'll have to kiss me to get me to be quiet."
He leans in.
Ack!
He's leaning in!
Draco Malfoy is incurably dim!
Draco Malfoy is incurably dim! Draco --
His mouth is near my ear. Don't touch it ... Don't touch it ... Do not salivate on my ear. "Your breath smells."
I smile at him. "Well, that's a relief 'cause so does yours?"
He rushes off to brush his teeth.
I sit in the calm and quiet living room and relax. Now. Where were we?
Oh right.
Is it me or am I going crazy?
[OK. Really. I'll thank reviewers soon. Of course -- beach, you are the exception (hopefully not the drunk exception) hope you enjoyed this very piss-worthy chapter. Everyone should have enjoyed it. At least. Well, if you didn't you should have. AND - it's my birthday tomorrow. Only two people wished me a happy birthday! HELLO ... giving you cheesy entertainment for free deserves some recognition. Now. I knew I had something to tell you, but I forgot what it is. Oh yeah. Basically everything right now is a lot of mumbo-jumbo and heaps of you guys are bewildered by what's going on. Well, it's supposed to be that way! To keep you guessing! Get me? Good! Review! Or I will sing. Loud.
Cheers--
barbieQUE]