Chapter 30 : If I Were Sweet

And that's what he did; bundled me up in his warmest sweaters and a pair of mittens that Sue gave to me.

"You warm enough?" His nose brushes back and forth over my cheek. "Hm?" He then smashes his nose and upper lip to my cheek, inhaling deeply.

I giggle at the suctioning sensation and my arms hug him impossibly tighter. "I look like the Michelin Man or Humpty Dumpty!"

"You are the most beautiful Michelin Man Humpty Dumpty in the world," he laughs.

"I don't like it. I can't feel you in these clothes."

He grabs my mitten-clad hand. "I feel better knowing you're warm. You're my beautiful wife, no matter what you have on."

"It's a bit much though."

"You're carrying my son. You need protection from the wind."

I look up at the sky for any sign of rain. The sun is barely out to greet us since we're here just after sunrise. The sky is dim but his tan skin is glowing. I blush and turn back to the freezing water.

"I used to come here a lot. Before I met you, this was the only place where I could decompress and just breathe."

We step in the middle of the stiff sand, holding hands and walking next to the slow waves.

"How do you feel?"

"It's walleye season, so this time of year, I'd say I'm feeling kinda lucky. My dad should be able to meet his quota and I'm only a few months out from graduation."

"I almost forgot I married a sea maiden."

I flinch at his words. "You mean a sea hag? For me to be considered a maiden, my dad would have to own a vessel, not work on one."

"Wait, you're serious? That's a thing?"

"A Forks thing. Actually, more of a Forks High thing."

"Ah."

"But in a few short months, school will be out forever. Then I'll be someone who matters. I'll be a mom, a wife, a figurehead…" I snort at my own words. "Life is great!" My pitiful attempt at enthusiasm torpedos into fear.

"You're someone now, Bella. You were someone before I met you, I'm sure of that. You just didn't figure it out yet, but I know for sure."

"Sure, sure," I snicker.

"Your smile alone makes everything right in my world. So beautiful and insightful, sometimes I wonder if I'm enough for you. You're not a hag. You may not see it the way I do, but if anybody can figure out what this life is really about, I think it's you. You're the love of my life and so much more than that."

He rubs the friction out of my shoulders and doesn't stop until my breathing matches his.

"The crazy part is that I don't think I could do life without you, let alone figure out what it's about. You always know what to say, what to do. How do you always know how to make me feel balanced?"

"We balance each other. And whatever is bothering you, is not for you to handle alone. I know that's what you're used to, but you can't hold on to stress, Bella. I see it in you and it's not good for the baby. Whatever it is, I know it's not as bad as you think."

I bring our joined hands to the forming roundness of my bump. "I don't want to hurt you or soil your love for me."

"Don't put me on a pedestal, Bella. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of." His sensitive eyes burrow into mine. "I won't tear you apart."

I lean in to let him in on my secret, "I'm spinning in circles. It'll only make you dizzy."

"Then take a straight line back to me. That's what our connection is all about. Since the days of our legends, we were chosen to lead back to one another. Is it your dad? Is it money?" He stops our slow walk and peers into my eyes. "No it's not money, it's something else. Something happened."

I'm not ready. I'm frozen in place and my eyes drop to my boots.

"What? I know just by looking at your do that thing where you look away."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Look away?" That's probably my anxiety…

"Yes, you do. You'll say, 'I love you, Jake.' and then look away. If it's something that you don't like or are nervous about, you'll bunch up your nose or bite your lip and look away. If I say the right thing, you'll touch my skin and blush real red, and then look away."

"That's 'cause you're always staring into my soul. I don't think you realize how intense it is."

"You like it though." A knowing grin spreads across his face. He's been studying my idiosyncrasies, things I didn't know about myself.

His strong hands wrap around my waist. My belly is anchored to his and I swear our navels are connected.

My senses open and separate from the tension in my body. Emotional exhaustion leaves me vulnerable. "It's all new to me. I was a loner before I met you. I was lonely, living inside my head right before you smiled at me."

"That's not how I remember it. You smiled at me first. I took one look away from the menu and there you were. I was a goner." He's submerged with me.

"That's not how it happened." I shake my head, embarrassed all over again.

"I remember your sweet laugh so clearly, like chiming bells. That's what it was, wind chimes. It was all I wanted to hear, the sweet bells. I fought with myself every day not to come and see you."

I laugh into the space between our lips."Now you're dreaming."

"I probably am. I can't think of a world where I can have everything I want, but I got it. Don't show that smile to anyone else, ok? Don't yearn for any other man."

"What are you talking about?"

"The smile that invites me in, don't show it to anybody else. It's a smile that says 'I'm happy to see you. I'm happy to be with you.'"

"This is my first time, Jake…." I can't find the right words. "You're my first everything. I didn't really think love was for me. I didn't know what it felt like. And I didn't really care if I ever found out. I don't know what you saw or what I showed you, but it's only you. You're the only guy I've ever looked at. I knew you were different the moment I laid eyes on you, all the way from the order window in the kitchen."

"Well…good." He fights a smile that his eyes give away.

"That's why I think we should name him Jacob." I bring our joined hands to my lips. "I want our baby to be just like you."

"I dunno about that. I don't want him to be too much like me." A hint of alarm taints his smile.

"I do… I wasn't the type of child that smiled a lot. I don't want him to be quiet and pessimistic like I was. I want him to have a presence."

"I still think we should look at other names too. I know you thought about other names. Let me hear them."

"I've made up my mind, Jake. The other names just don't compare."

"Hmmm. There's still plenty of time to change your mind."

If I know anything, it's that I'm stubborn. "It's highly unlikely." I don't change my mind once I've decided on something.

And my thoughts start to nip and crawl as we walk further down the beach.

"Jake, what would you be doing if you weren't a wolf? If decisions weren't made for you."

"Like a career?"

"Yeah, if Jake was just Jake."

He shrugs, "I would probably be a mechanic or a carpenter."

"Really?"

"Yeah, before I turned 17, that's what I did in the garage behind the house. I built all the wooden furniture with my dad. I rebuilt an old rabbit before I graduated high school. I just build shit. Why?"

"No reason."

"Would you still like me if I were a carpenter? Would you still kiss me if I smelled like motor oil?" He swings me around to face him.

I look up at him, amused by his questions, "I would still love you just the same, but I think you are who you are for a reason and I would never try to change that. I want to know every dimension of you."

"Sometimes I think things would've been better if I were a normal guy." His face softens and his thoughts take his eyes far away.

"But if you were, who knows, we may have never met if you weren't exactly who you are. You might've already been married to a nice girl."

"I believe you would've been my wife no matter what universe we lived in. That's what the legends say. That's what Old Quil reminded me of. No matter what, you're supposed to be mine."

We stare deep into each other's eyes for a long time. He chooses to believe the legends when they suit him. I chose to believe him.

"And from now on, we'll say it's venison season. Around here it's all about the deer."

"That's right! Your dad offered me deer meat last night."

He guffaws, "When you say it like that it sounds crazy."

"I mean he did! He totally asked me if I wanted a deer steak."

"Sure, sure. Don't be surprised if Sue saves the heart and lungs for you. All the moms share it for strength and fertility."

"I'm pregnant enough! My breasts are so tender. I mean I finally stopped throwing up. I feel like I'm constantly growing…"

"The baby is growing." His lips feel so warm moving across my skin, over my eyelids and cheekbone so sweetly, so different from this morning.

"Yeah, but I'm growing all over and all I want is blueberry applesauce or peanut butter and blueberry jam on three pieces of toast."

"That's very specific." And like always he just smiles brightly at my nonsense. His hands rub my sides up and down, priming me with his warmth.

He's becoming a victim of my will.

"I'd settle for blue corn in that basket that somebody brought over. Oh! I can char it under the broiler with butter and sugar. That would be so good with ice cream. We have to try it, Jake!"

"Sure, sure. Let's try it when we get back." He takes my hand and keeps us moving towards the truck."

"You know what else would be good with that? I'm thinking garlic bread—"

A sick scream from the cliffs makes me squeeze Jake's hand. I can't look away once I find the source.

It's like a body fell from the sky. Everything went quiet as it crashed into the water.

"Oh my God, Jake!"

"Whoever it is should be fine. We normally jump from lower down, but some of the bloodlines crave the rush. Either that or somebody screwed up. I don't do it but Sam often uses it as an intimidation tactic, like hazing. They're just fuckin' around."

He guides me back to the truck and my stomach drops. There are two more cars parked in the lot and I recognize one.

"Isn't that Seth's car? Isn't he part of your pack? We have to help him!"

"Just get in the truck, Bella."

"No, you don't understand! This is probably because of me. We have to do something!"

"What? Bella, calm down. If it was Seth, I'm sure they were goofing off. He should be fine. The fall won't kill him."

"Didn't you hear his scream! I think somebody pushed him. Look at the current." I study the trajectory from the cliff to the open water beating against the rocks.

"Look at me, Bella. Calm down, I'll go check it out. Get in the truck and wait for me." His protective hand gravitates toward our baby. He stuffs me in the passenger side. "I'll be back. Just relax, ok?"

I focus on my breathing and my heartbeat. Seth's hurt because of me. How did they find out? What do they know? What did Seth tell them?

I lose sight of Jake's figure when he walks past the rocks and my face starts to ache from the stress. I can't see very far. I can't see who else is out there.

A tap on my window makes me yelp and my bones prick through my skin like needles.

I catch the reflection of his smirk through the window. It's Guy.

The last time I saw him up close was at the diner. A rude brute who doesn't appear to be too bright. His pitch black sweater matches his eyes and cropped hair. His dead stare is teasing when he taps on the window again.

Very slowly, his index finger signals for me to roll it down. I crack it about an inch, just enough for his voice to filter in with the fresh air.

"Didn't think I'd scare you," His feigned innocence pollutes the wind. "I just wanna talk."

We both watch the shoreline while I lower the window a little more.

A long pause holds us.

"So talk." See how long you can keep up the act.

"Congratulations on getting knocked up. How far along are you?" He's exposed up to his nose and I immediately regret rolling down the window.

I scan the beach for any sign of Jake or Seth, anyone. "Around four months."

"Didn't the Cullens arrive around four months ago?"

My attention snaps to his suspicious tone.

When I lowered the window, his mask must have fallen as well. His mood seems slightly foul with aggressive undercurrents in his tightening jaw.

"Is that why I keep hearing about you running around with a ghost? Is that what Seth is hiding?"

"You're going to have to spell it out for me. You're not making any sense, Paul; it's Paul right?" Put your mask back on. Take this up with someone who can match your strength. Wait until Jake comes back.

"The more I hear about you and Edward Cullen, the more I doubt that baby is a descendant of the first family."

My neck immediately goes stiff. Who in their right mind would play such a trick? "Was that supposed to offend me? What is this really about?"

"There's something off about you, and when I find out what it is, you're gonna wish you never set foot in Sam's house."

A prelude to his plans of planting a seed of doubt with the elders? Turn all the families against Jake and me? Anything to make Sam and Emily look better, right? I'm starting to understand why Jake was so adamant about getting rid of Sam. He and his pack are poisoned.

"Is this you or Sam talking?" There's something weird about this moment and his word choice. Something gloom permeates the cab. "Where is Seth? What did you do to him?"

"Does it matter? More than half the bloodlines want you gone. Seth is the least of your problems."

"Did you hurt Seth? Did Sam tell you to hurt him? You do the dirty work, while Sam hides his hands?" I stare at his profile while he keeps his mouth closed. "Tell me, do you two share a brain, Dumb and Dumber?"

He snorts at my remark, careful not to take his eyes off the shoreline. "Watch it, now. Should've known you had a little flip mouth. You better learn how to shut it before I give you something to do with it."

"Selling wolf tickets for Sam, I see. Did you come to threaten me since you couldn't make Seth talk? Afraid to go back to daddy empty-handed?"

"Stay in your place!" He snarls, nostrils flaring.

"And you stay in yours."

"You sure talk a lot for someone who knows nothing about our tribe."

"I know enough to know you shouldn't be talking to your Alphas wife like that."

"Count your days, bitch. He will never be my Alpha. I'll drag you and that worthless seed out myself when Sam reclaims his title. The only reason they chose Jake is because you got pregnant with a boy."

"You'll believe anything he tells you, huh. Sam will never be the Alpha. Child or no child, Jacob is the better leader. That's why the elders chose him."

"Seems Jake has been lyin' to ya. They'll do anything to preserve the bloodlines. You're giving the first family a boy to carry the legacy. That baby wouldn't be worth the dog shit at the bottom of my shoe if it didn't belong to the Alpha. It's a half-breed that would be crawling out of a hole in the wall with Embry. "

"And yet both Embry and Jake's children will come before you."

"If it weren't for Jake, Embry wouldn't have enough support to sit at the table. That's my fucking seat. My mother worked so hard to keep my birthright, just to have it all snatched away by my father's mistress. One by one that's all gonna change. The filth doesn't inherit, not a lousy ship deck whore or a half Makkah junkie."

"You've figured it all out, huh? Right hand to the disgraced, reject Alpha. Second fiddle to your half-brother. You were so close, you almost had it, you could almost taste it. Almost, almost, almost, and now everybody has to pay. The world has to be punished for what would've could've should've been." I feed Paul every ounce of darkness that covers me. "'Almost' never counts."

"That's what you think. Only a matter of time before one of the elders kicks the bucket or steps down. Jake will be kneeling to Sam and paying his dues in third ranking."

"And who would be second? Please, it'll never be you, not even if Sam were chosen. Billy won't let anyone come before his sons. And once your grandfather is gone all of Sam's respect for you will die with him."

"That spineless piece of— My grandfather and Old Quil can choke on that stupid peyote shit. With their blessing or not, the elders won't be able to stop Sam's reorder. Jake is finished. You and that gremlin will be shunned."

"Says the muscle head errand boy with a brain the size of a pea. You're nothing, an afterthought with half a brain. I know you. I've known men like you my whole life. You're a load of worthless shit who regrets being born." The sickness gets to me. I let it all pour out through my eyes and mouth as I stare him down. "You tell Sam I'll burn the whole house down before I let him take it from Jake."

Nose pressed to the glass with enraged eyes, he says so plainly, "I should've kicked you in the stomach when I had the chance."

I spit the disgusting bile from my weak stomach in his face and quickly rolled the window shut. The bitter reflux taste on my tongue mixed with saliva builds like venom.

"You fuckin' cunt!" He fiercely pulls on my locked door handle. "I'm gonna kill you, bitch!" He shakes the car back and forth exerting his fury on my door, kicking and pulling before running to the other side.

Too slow to lock the driver-side door, I lunge across the middle console to hold it closed when he nearly yanks it open. "You're dead, bitch. I'm gonna fucking rip you apart!"

I hold on to the door and duck my head waiting for my strength to run out, my whole body weight hanging on for the tug of war. He pried the door ajar and I slid forward until the entire car recoiled and I'm left in inertia.

I look through the open crack and relief floods my system when Paul is slammed into the concrete. Jake's fists come down in flying force. Paul's pulling on Jake's jacket, fist aimlessly swinging and clawing.

Jake puts Paul in an armlock on his knees and drags him to the car. He positions Paul's hand in between the door and its frame. He holds him in place and guides me with his eyes to slam it shut. "I want her to cut your fingers off but this will have to do."

Paul is screaming before I can get a grip on the handle.

Jake laughs at his premature cries, "Fucking pussy."

I'm poised into position until Jake looks at me again.

"Slam it as hard as you can." His tone is leveled and void.

I firmly grip the door handle and slam it with everything I have.

Paul screams bloody murder on impact.

"Don't ever try to touch my wife again. I'll fucking kill you. Look at her the wrong way and I'll gouge your fucking eyes out. Speak her name and I will cut you down where you stand. Are we clear?"

I push the door open and watch his hand turn blue on release. Jake's death grip on his neck lets me know he's just getting started.

The painful blows and tortuous body-throwing cause a tornado in the wind. I lock all the doors as Jake drags him away from the car. I'm stuck in place watching through the windshield.

I'm absolutely numb when a fist comes down on the back window. I slowly turn my head to face the noise.

"Let me in, Bella!" A shivering Seth is peering through, hair and clothes stuck to his skin.

I unlocked the door and watched him slam it shut. He keels over limp across the backseat. The leather interior squeals when his drenched body flops in exhaustion.

I cut the heat to full blast and stare at the vents. The smell of the water circulates through the cab.

"Seth, what did Paul say? What did he do to you? What did you tell him?"

"Nothing. He had Brady lure me out here so they could dangle my ass over the cliff. Sam's getting a little nervous. Jake's induction is coming and they've been trying to figure out a way to stop it. They've been watching Jake's pack like a hawk. Then Paul was talking about a deal that fell through."

"Does he know where I was yesterday?" My eyeballs are painfully dry from the forced heat.

"No, nobody knows. I told them they must have a leak on their side. They got pissed and tossed me over." Seth rolls his window down, calling out, "Jake, stop you're gonna kill him. Jake, stop!"

But Jake can't hear him. He's in another place. He hasn't let Paul come up for air. Their feet scuff the pavement and they're the only thing I can hear beyond the impact of the heavy punches.

Paul's swaying dizzily. His feet carry him in a drunken gate side to side before falling again.

"Bella, tell him to stop!"

I don't realize I'm in a trance with him until I call his name. "Jake! Jake, baby, please. Let's get home."

His bloody hands release their hold and allow Paul to slither away toward Brady who's sitting inside another car across the lot."

Jake kicks Paul in the side and I cringe.

"Aren't you hungry?" I called out. "Seth has to get out of these wet clothes and I have to pee. Let's go home, Jake. We didn't eat breakfast."

I climb backwards into the passenger side when Jake opens the door. His jacket is a bloody mess and there's a bruise forming on his jaw.

"Are you ok?" The viciousness hasn't released him yet. His voice is still rough. The life in his eyes is almost completely gone.

"I'm fine. I'm worried about you. We've gotta treat your hands. Gosh, Jake. Lemme see."

They look so bad, I don't want to touch them. And I don't, my fingers only graze his knuckles. I don't understand how they always manage to heal when they look like they've been through a meat grinder after a fight.

I lean over and gently kiss his jaw, then his lips. "We have to hurry home, your jaw is starting to swell. And if the jacket dries I don't think I can get the stains out." I kiss him again, this time swiping the corner of his mouth with my tongue. "You bit your lip, huh?"

His energy zaps me. The aftershocks of his anger arouse me. And a thought pops into my head, "Can we use a raw venison steak for the bruising?"

Jake bursts out laughing. His menacing mask melts completely. He winces at the pain from stretching his lips.

"Oops." I kiss his bleeding lip again, a laugh and metallic essence on my tongue. I swirl it around the outline of his plump lips until he lifts my chin with his hot palm.

He takes over, biting and sucking. His demons dance to the makings of my soul. All the oxygen is gone but we keep going, gripping, refusing to let go. He engulfs me in heat, anger, love, frustration, sex, and cruelty. Jake breaks the kiss right before I burst.

I lean into him across the middle console and rub our skin together. I feel so full. I moan into his throat, "Yes, I love you so much, every part of you." We reach each other for another kiss.

"I love you too."

"I know. I can feel it. It's growing inside of me."

"You two are meant for each other, fucking crazy." Seth shakes his head before falling back on the cushions. "Absolutely nuts. Can you please hurry up before I freeze my dick off? Thank you."