Chapter 1: A Death Wish


The ninja Shadow was pinned beneath what looked to be once some sort of machinery. Now it was just a piece of scrap metal, but scrap metal or not, it was still heavy.

"Ugh..."

Unfortunately, that aching pain meant that he was alive. As far as Shadow knew, ghosts and spirits didn't feel pain. They hadn't seemed to feel anything when he had fought them, anyway. Shadow had thought the tower would kill him as it crumbled around him. Apparently he had been mistaken.

From what Shadow could see and feel, his right arm and leg were broken badly, maybe worse. His body was covered in cuts and lacerations. Most of all, his head hurt like hell. He couldn't see his right arm or leg, since they were underneath the piece of junk, but from what Shadow could tell, he wouldn't live long. Shadow had certainly lived through worse injuries before, but there was no magic to rescue him now.

Shadow gave the machinery an experimental shove, and immediately regretted it as the pain in his head intensified.

"Not going anywhere soon... guess I'm going to die after all, with these wounds. Ah well, that's what I intended, wasn't it? Baram... I'll be seeing you soon."

Shadow relaxed. Death, his old acquaintance, was coming for him. He had cheated Death many times, and sent countless people to their graves, so he had come to term with his mortality long ago. No, he didn't fear death. His mind wandering idly, Shadow wondered if the defeat of Kefka could make up in some small way for all the wrongs he'd committed over the years.

"Probably not," he said out loud to nobody in particular, "I've killed too many."

All he could do now was wait. Shadow had been standing somewhere near the bottom of the tower when it collapsed, so he was surprised to see the sky above him and not a ton of rubble. It was a deep blue sky... the sky of a world at peace, not the sky of the World of Ruin. At least Relm was safe. Interceptor would look after her. Without some madman guiding the world toward destruction, she could live a normal, happy life.

Couldn't she?

"Relm..." he trailed off.

The pain faded to a dull ache and Shadow slipped into unconsciousness.

* * *

Shadow woke up staring at a ceiling, not the sky.

"I'm... alive?"

A man with long, white, flowing hair was sitting at a table next to Shadow's bed, apparently absorbed in a card game with himself. He had a rather large scar going down one side of his face, and smaller scars crisscrossing the rest of his face, but he didn't seem bothered by them. As always, Setzer was dressed.... uniquely. Some would say that his clothes were simply gaudy, and others would say that they were the height of fashion. Shadow never cared much for fashion, but compared to Kefka's outfit, Setzer's clothes certainly didn't seem gaudy.

Seeing that Shadow was conscious, Setzer Gabbiani put down his cards. "Ah, you're awake! Thoroughly alive too, I assure you, although the doctors were surprised on that note. You think your friends would just let you rot beneath Kefka's Tower?"

Shadow wanted to say "yes," but he decided that it wasn't worth his trouble. Despite all odds, he was alive for the time being. His arm and leg were in some kind of wrap, and upon further inspection he realized that he wasn't wearing his usual ninja garb. Judging by all the pockets his clothes had, he probably had on something belonging to Locke.

Looking around, Shadow saw that he was in an unfamiliar, sparsely furnished room. There was a table next to his bed, and a few chairs in various places, but other than that, it looked like a completely unremarkable place to be. Not that Shadow particularly cared.

Shadow tried to sit up, but his head exploded in pain. "Where is this? Where are my clothes, gambler?"

"Figaro castle. Ah, sorry about the threads," Setzer said, noting Shadow's look of distaste.

"Your ninja suit was torn to shreds, and you're about Locke's size. We figured it was a better option than dressing you up in Gau's furs or one of Celes' dresses," Setzer said with a grin.

Shadow carefully laid back down. "The others? Gambler, they're here too?"

"Yeah, they're here. Some of us are able to get to an airship on time, you know," Setzer voiced in a somewhat suspicious tone.

Setzer waited for a reply, but since one didn't seem to be forthcoming, he continued on. "We decided to take turns waiting for you to wake up. For some reason Strago refused. He said he wouldn't look after a fool. Pretty odd, huh?"

Shadow wasn't surprised. Strago very well could have recognized him without his mask on. He groaned. Damn, this just wasn't his day.

Setzer looked at Shadow with more than a little curiosity, but the ninja kept whatever he was thinking to himself. The gambler had always wondered what Shadow looked like under that mask, and now he knew. For the most part, Shadow looked like any other ordinary middle aged man, but there was something subtly different about the way he carried himself. The most striking thing was his eyes. Although they didn't seem to hold any emotion, Setzer thought he saw some deeply hidden troubles behind those eyes.

Of course, even though his face was revealed, Shadow still had other mysteries about him. Setzer wondered why he really didn't make it to the airship. Did the man have a death wish? Then there was the whole suspicious behavior that Strago had exhibited, and Cyan had acted almost as oddly. Setzer shrugged. Maybe someday he'd have his curiosity satisfied, but today wasn't the day.

"You're not much of a conversationalist, are you, oh shrouded one? Or should I say not-so-shrouded one? Ah well, I suppose I'd better go tell the others. Don't go anywhere while I'm gone, now," Setzer joked. It was obvious that Shadow wouldn't be going anywhere for a long time.

Before long, the room was jam-packed full of Returners. There wasn't much room to move around with so many people in such a small room, but nobody seemed to care. They were just happy to see Shadow alive.

Shadow pointedly ignored most of the questions sent his way. He wasn't in the mood to talk. In fact, he was amazed that these people seemed to care so much about him so much. Shadow wasn't sure what to think about that. Did they see something in him that he couldn't see in himself?

* * *

Later that week, Relm pranced happily into Shadow's room in the manner that only a young girl can. "Shadow, look who I've brought!"

Interceptor, tail wagging wildly, came dashing in. Seeing his master, he leapt up on Shadow's bed and licked his face.

Memories assaulted Shadow at the sight of Relm, but he pushed them back. Looking away, he mumbled, "Hmm... that dog is a lot more friendly than I remember."

Relm spent most of her visit talking about various events happening at the castle: the gross things that Gau did, Mog's crazy antics, Edgar's unsuccessful attempts at wooing women, and many other topics. It didn't take long for Interceptor to fall asleep at the foot of the bed. After a while Relm stopped talking, and Shadow realized that she was scribbling on her sketchpad.

Shadow pushed the emotions back further and willed himself to look at his daughter. As usual, she was clothed mostly in red, obviously a favorite color. It had been Encia's favorite, too. Shaking off that thought, Shadow noticed that her face was a mask of concentration. To his surprise, she was staring right at him as she was sketching.

"What're you doing?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing. I just thought I'd do a sketch of you. I never felt the need before, but your new look suits you. Maybe I'll do a painting later." she replied.

His new look? Shadow realized that he was wearing the sort of clothing he used to wear back before Encia's death. That thought made him feel uncomfortable.

* * *

Shadow was ordered to stay in his room for several weeks by the doctors at Figaro. For most of that time, he could barely get out of bed without being in excruciating pain, so he didn't argue. Shadow still felt that he deserved death, but the ninja couldn't bring himself to try anything with Relm so close. His will was too weak, as always. Baram would have been able to do it.

The other Returners, save Strago, came to visit him frequently. Apparently they had all decided to remain together for a little while longer before going their separate ways. Terra visited the most often, almost always with some news of the outside. Shadow wasn't sure if Terra just didn't have anything better to do, but most days he wished she would go away, despite the boredom of being in bed all day. He just wanted to be alone.

"...and Katarin's baby is doing fine. Duane's been nervous about being a father, but I'm sure he'll make a great one."

Terra had been talking to Shadow for almost half an hour, and she could barely tell if he was listening. She looked over at Shadow for some hint of a response, but the man was just staring blankly up at the ceiling.

For the most part, Shadow was ignoring Terra. Instead of listening, he was wondering what fate had against him and why he was still alive.

Baram... he needed to make amends with Baram. He couldn't do that alive. Why was he still alive? By all rights, he should be dead. He had wanted to die but had lived. So many others had wanted to live but had died. Encia... Why was fate so cruel?

Terra impatiently tugged on strands of her wispy green hair, one of her few bad habits. Shadow's apathy was starting to frustrate her.

"Look, I know you're not the most talkative person in the world, but you could at least say something! It can't be that exciting sitting around in bed all day."

Shadow's thoughts continued unabated. He wouldn't be alive if the Returners hadn't come back for him. Why had they come back? Couldn't they have just let him die?

Shadow turned to look directly at Terra. "Why did you save me?"

Terra was taken aback by the sudden question. "Huh? What do you mean, why did we save you?" Terra asked. "Believe it or not, you're our friend. That's what friends do."

Shadow laughed coldly, sending shivers up Terra's spine. As far as she knew, nobody had never heard Shadow laugh before. "Maybe if you knew all the things I've done, you wouldn't be my friend. The innocents I've killed as an assassin... the blood on my hands..."

Terra frowned. She was beginning to get angry. "Okay, so you've done some bad things. So have I. So has Celes. Hell, most of our group did some things they weren't proud of at one point! The important thing is that you realize it was wrong. If you were truly such a bad person, you wouldn't have any regrets, any remorse. As long as you're alive, there's still time to make amends."

For some odd reason, Shadow felt the need to explain himself. "No, what I've done is worse. It's one thing to kill for money, but to abandon one's dying wife and her child? I don't deserve to live after what I've done. I wanted to die back at the tower, you know."

"What?" Terra exclaimed. Abandoning his wife and child? Terra had never imagined that Shadow would have a family. He didn't seem the type.

Shadow narrowed his eyes. "You think I couldn't have escaped the tower on my own? No, had it been my wish to escape, I would have been the first one back to the Falcon. I remained behind on purpose. The world's better off without another assassin."

Terra tried to get another response out of Shadow, but he had fallen into an even deeper depression and refused to say anything more.