Chapter 3: Facing the Truth


Shadow looked over at the door as Setzer entered with a tray of food. Setzer was somewhat of an enigma to Shadow. Nothing ever seemed to get him down, despite how much he had lost. With the world in the state it was in, Shadow just couldn't understand the man.

"Hmm, I'm not as good as I used to be... in my better days, I would have heard you coming a mile away, gambler."

Setzer grinned. "Maybe you're just getting old."

Setting the tray on the table next to Shadow's bed, Setzer continued, "Anyway, I brought you some food."

Shadow shrugged and lost himself in his thoughts. He didn't know why he had talked to Terra the other day, but luckily it seemed that she hadn't spoken about their conversation to anyone else. Shadow shook his head. Clearly he didn't have as much self-control as he liked to believe. He had always been like that. He could never fully control his emotions, so he ran away from them.

Setzer pulled a coin out of his pocket and fiddled with it. "It's too bad that you're sitting here cooped up in bed all day, but without magic, the only way to heal people is the old fashioned way."

No response. Setzer sighed. He had his work cut out for him.

"Well, I know it gets pretty boring, so I figured I'd entertain you. No, don't worry, I won't be doing a jig on the table."

The gambler cleared his throat. "I guess I'll just tell you a story. Unless you'd rather see me dance?"

Seeing that Shadow wasn't about to respond, Setzer began his story.

"I was born in Jidoor, you know. Nice town, Jidoor. Most people in Jidoor are rich as hell, as I'm sure you know. My family wasn't. We lived on the outskirts of town, where there's a few run down houses. It's nowhere near as bad as Zozo, but it's not exactly paradise either."
"My parents were honest, hard-working people. The rich need servants to do menial work, you see, and nobody with half a brain trusts someone from Zozo. Anyway, my dad was a servant for a minor household. It didn't pay great, but it put food on the table. My ma stayed at home and raised a household of kids."

Setzer paused. Shadow was still eating his dinner, and he didn't appear to be paying much attention. Setzer shrugged and idly flipped the coin in his hand as he continued.

"It might sound like my father had the tough job, but he didn't, compared to my ma. We were rowdy kids. With a name like Setzer, what do you expect? My older brother, Baram, was quite the adventurous sort. I guess some of that must have rubbed off on me. Of course, unlike my brother, at least I had some sense of right and wrong."

"Baram couldn't stand Jidoor. Too many rich bastards, he always said. He must have resented being one of the few people in town without money. He always hated being Baram Gabbiani because our father was nothing but a servant. My father was a good man, too, but that was completely lost on Baram."

"One day he just vanished. All of his belongings were gone, so he must have run away. We were all pretty worried about Baram. After all, he didn't have any marketable skills, so wherever he went, he'd be stuck with a low paying job, assuming he could find one at all."

Shadow had finished his meal. He appeared to be listening, although his face was as frustratingly unreadable as always. With a face like that, the man should start playing poker.

"It's hard to say exactly what happened to him after that. I know for sure that he didn't go somewhere and get a job; he hated serving others, and he didn't have the money or the skills to go into business himself. He was probably involved in the more dishonest pursuits: robbery, blackmail, that sort of thing."

"Of course, at the time, you could only do something like that in a big city like Vector, Doma, or Figaro. The smaller towns just didn't have enough money for all the trouble it took. I figure he went to Doma first, although it really doesn't matter. All of those cities had an excellent police force at the time. Thievery was a risky business indeed, which my brother would have found out quite soon."

"You couldn't get much money stealing from people, and it was also really dangerous at the time. Still, there were other options. There was tons of money being passed around between the cities on caravans... and trains."

There! Setzer was sure that the ninja had made a small gasp when he said "trains." It had been quiet, almost inaudible, but Setzer had been waiting for such a reaction.

Shadow flinched. This story was sounding more and more familiar by the second. Train robberies... hadn't Baram said he was from Jidoor? Shadow had never learned Baram's last name, but the man Setzer was describing sounded just like him. Besides, how many Barams could there be? It wasn't exactly a common name.

"That's enough storytelling, gambler. Maybe you should go talk to someone who cares."

Setzer shrugged. "If you want me to go, I'll go. I didn't think my story was that boring..."
Setzer shoved the coin he had been flipping back into his coat pocket. "Ah, I see you're done with your dinner anyway. I'd better bring the tray back before I forget. Last time the cook nearly prepared me for dinner when I didn't bring it back."

Shadow wondered just how much Setzer knew. Maybe he shouldn't have made the gambler leave. Still, that story... dead emotions or not, he didn't want to hear it. It only made him feel even more guilty.

* * *

The next day, the doctors finally proclaimed Shadow fit enough to get out of his room. Shadow was a little shaky on his feet, but other than that, he felt fine. He always had been a fast healer. Shadow was glad to be out of his room, and he reveled in his newfound freedom. Finally he could avoid some of the more annoying Returners, like the wild boy and that yeti.

For the most part, Shadow spent the day walking around Figaro castle aimlessly. Interceptor was not at his side. The dog spent most of its time with Relm now, which was probably for the best. Shadow was still stuck with Locke's old clothes, but for some reason, that didn't bother him too much. He couldn't fathom why, but he wouldn't feel right putting a mask back on, nor did he feel the need to be shrouded in black. Did it have anything to do with what Relm had said?

He felt uncertain about everything. He'd had plenty of opportunities to sneak far away and kill himself, but he had never taken them. Why not? Was he just running away again? Shadow couldn't help but remember another time he was injured and what had happened then.

There weren't many places to see in Figaro castle. Other than the airship parked next to the castle, there was nothing outside but miles of sand. After wandering around a bit, Shadow was surprised to find himself at the Falcon. He immediately saw Setzer, who was rubbing on a side panel with a rag and muttering to himself. Shadow stood there for a few moments, unsure as to why his feet had taken him here.

Setzer turned to wipe the sweat from his brow and finally noticed Shadow. "Ah, Shadow... stealthy as ever I see, even injured. The Falcon got quite a few scratches on her in Kefka's tower, and they're a bitch to get out."

Setzer dropped his rag and leaned against the side of the Falcon before continuing, "Anyway, you're not here to talk about that, right? It's good that you came. The others have been talking about going back home, so I'll be dropping them all off pretty soon. Is there anywhere you'd like to go?"

Shadow hesitated. Did he even have somewhere to go? Didn't he want to die?

Realizing that Setzer was waiting for an answer, he simply said, "I haven't decided yet."

The gambler nodded as if he had been expecting that answer all along. "Well, think about it. You've probably still got a couple days to decide."

Shadow left shortly after that, for which Setzer was grateful. Setzer still didn't have a complete plan to drag Shadow out of his depression. All he knew was that he'd better do something soon. Shadow could run off at any moment now. Time was running out.

* * *

The following night, the Returners had a going away party. Unsurprisingly, Shadow didn't attend.

Still, Setzer was in a good mood. It had been a great party, even with Sabin's lame jokes. He grinned. There was nothing like good food, good wine, and good friends to lighten one's spirits. He'd have preferred the company of a woman too, but Celes was spoken for, Relm was far too young, and Terra would only talk about his little job.

Setzer sighed. Yes, Terra would probably bite his ear off if he didn't talk some sense into Shadow soon. He headed for the ninja's room.

* * *

Strago paced impatiently across his room. Something was bothering him. He couldn't stop thinking about Clyde. It wasn't exactly Clyde that upset him; it was more his own actions concerning the ninja. Strago had never been kind to Clyde. He had always wanted the man gone, and in fact, he had made no secret of it. In truth, he was probably partly to blame for the man's disappearing act.

His daughter had died, and his son-in-law was going to die too if something wasn't done. Someone had to make the first step of goodwill, and Strago knew that Clyde wouldn't. For Relm's sake, he had to apologize.

Strago resolutely walked toward Clyde's room.

* * *

Shadow didn't look surprised when Setzer showed up. Of course, the man never looked surprised at much of anything.

"So, have you made up your mind about where you'd like to go? I'm taking everyone back the day after tomorrow, and it'd be easier if I didn't have to make a lot of trips."

"No," came the Shadow's terse reply.

Setzer shrugged. "It's no big deal. It'll take a few days to drop everyone off anyway, so you've still got some time to think."
Setzer started to leave, but then turned around as if remembering something. "Oh yeah... I talked to Cyan about my brother. He said that some guy matching his description had been caught robbing a train thirteen years ago."

Setzer saw the unmistakable flicker of emotion in Shadow's eyes for the first time. He couldn't tell what emotion it was exactly, but that could wait. He had actually gotten a response! Maybe this could work after all.

"It turns out he had someone helping him. I guess a heist that big takes two people. According to Cyan, they almost got away with a million GP. They caught my poor brother Baram, who never was too good at anything. Amazingly, the other guy got away. It must have taken someone extremely stealthy to escape a situation like that. I bet Locke couldn't even have done it."

"What happened to this... Baram?"

Setzer sighed. He might as well get this out of the way. "He was executed."

Nothing. The flicker of emotion was gone. Setzer had to wonder if this man was really so dead on the inside. Oh well, he had tried. Maybe he would play the Relm card tomorrow. Seeing that the conversation seemed to be over, Setzer turned to leave again, but before he knew it, there was a dagger at his throat.

"How much do you know about me, gambler?" Shadow snarled.

Setzer was somewhat taken aback. He hadn't known exactly what to expect, but he certainly hadn't anticipated this. Still, maybe it would be better to get everything out of the way. Setzer knew that he was taking a gamble with his life, but that's what he was best at, after all: gambling.

"I know enough. I know about your relationship with my brother, Baram. There's no need to feel guilt over that; Baram had it coming to him for years. I know about Relm. She's your daughter, man!"

Shadow opened his mouth to reply, but Setzer plowed on. "I've been where you are. It's a place of hopelessness, a place where there seems to be no reason to go on. I've been there twice. But you know what? You have a daughter! You have friends! You do have a reason to go on. You have to live for the present, not the past."

The dagger edged closer, mirroring the edge in Shadow's voice. "Mind your own business, gambler! What I do is no concern of yours!"

Just then, they both noticed a figure standing in the doorway. Strago.

"Clyde Arrowny! Haven't you done enough already? I came to apologize, but it seems you haven't changed at all!"

Feeling somewhat ashamed, Shadow released Setzer, instead turning the dagger on himself. One quick slice of the knife, and his life would be over. He knew exactly how to do it; he had assassinated people quite often, after all. So why couldn't he do it?

Why couldn't he stop running from the past? He would face Baram in the afterlife and make amends. Wasn't that still running away, though? Not running away from Baram, but running away from Relm and his responsibilities. He had done that once-- run away from Encia to become Shadow, and what had he gotten out of it?

He had always claimed to be running away from Baram and the deeds he had committed, but now he wasn't so sure. He never really cared about Baram; Baram had only been an accomplice in a crime. He never even knew how the man died until now! Baram's own brother had forgiven him! Baram had been his excuse, but Baram wasn't the real reason he fled. No, it was responsibility he had been running from all the time: the responsibility of being a father.

He heard voices, although to Shadow they seemed miles away.

"Shadow, I know life sucks... I know it hurts. But there's just a point where you have to let go of the past!"

"He's right, Clyde! What is Relm going to do without a father and mother?"

What would Relm do without him? Her mother was dead. Her grandfather was getting old. Interceptor couldn't tell her bedtime stories. Interceptor couldn't give her advice. Interceptor would guard her, but he couldn't be a father to her. Another thought came to him. Would Relm even want a father like him?

"Okay, so you've done some bad things. So have I. So has Celes. Hell, most of our group did some things they weren't proud of at one point! The important thing is that you realize it was wrong. If you were truly such a bad person, you wouldn't have any regrets, any remorse. As long as you're alive, there's still time to make amends."

Was it really so simple? Shadow wasn't sure. He had a lot to make amends for, but he couldn't do that dead. Shadow knew one thing for sure: he was going to stop making excuses. Even if Relm spit in his face and told him to go to hell, he was going to tell her who he was.

The knife clattered to the floor. Clyde was overcome with emotion, and for the first time in what seemed like forever, he wept. Whether he cried tears of sadness or tears of joy, Clyde couldn't say. Probably both. Still, it felt good to let it all out. He had ignored his emotions for far too long.

"So," Setzer said, his trademark grin returning, "I take it I'm to drop you off in Thasma?"