Back after all this long time, Australian-ness, schoolwork, nasty exams, more nasty exams, Fanfiction.net sever breakdowns, did I mention nasty exams, Chinese teachers, nasty exams…. Oh well. Jennifer Jolie attempts to gain her share of the credit (or work) by writing this alone… oh joy. Anyway, I really hope I got the facts right, etc, etc, also hoping to avoid a stoning from Lovely Lady Clarenova (that's really starting to stick now). So put your feet up on the desk, toss whatever you're doing out the window (apart from the computer, your lungs, heart etc) and try to enjoy this.
Disclaimer: I'll leave the boring sort of 'this this this belongs to this this this' to Lovely Lady Clarenova and just say that this is a HUMOUR, HUMOUR, HUMOROUS fic, and that any insults to the characters whatsoever are meant with no offense. Apologies to the Tolkienites for screwing up LOTR stuff, and LLC apologizes for screwing up Lara's character, which I shall do my best to mend this chapter. : )
Also, Mummy fans please don't come after me for the above reasons, I myself am a TR and Mummy fan.
Final word: changed a bit of the movie, *here and there*. Please don't sue, I only have $10 or so a week!
"Kraiky, look aht thaht!" exclaimed Alex in a useless British accent. Lara ignored him. [Crikey, look at that!]
"There's something down there," he amended, in his normal (goofy) American accent.
This time, Lara swung around, both pistols trained around his jugular vein.
"You know, if you do that fast enough, you can almost write your name with it," he squeaked. Safety clicked off, noisily rebounding off the shadowy walls of the seemingly endless hallway.
Alex raised his hands in surrender before she lowered them and resumed walking. Not one for The Mummy is she? Maybe it was Brandon Fraser. Oh, I know. She's crushing on Arnold. Alex sniggered, carefully stamping slightly to cover the noise.
It didn't quite have the result he expected. Quite the… exaggeration, as a matter of fact.
Thunderous hail came crashing down from all sides, not quite landing on them but on the ground, as if they had rolled down from a stack rather than the ceiling. The whip-like cracks of splintering wood echoed around the mines like a million storms, seemingly applauding the superior destruction caused by One Sniggering Idiot.
As the rubble settled The Fellowship Of The Ring frantically began lighting torches, but these flickered and died from the swirling dust. In preparation of more Gandalf-inspired doom, all drew their weapons except for Boromir, who had been hit…. somewhere with Sam's frying pan, Gandalf, who was chanting a useless fire-bringing spell or whatever, and Frodo, who had resumed his famous look-serious-and-then-start-running-around-in-circles pose.
With obvious and impatient sighs, two luminous green flares were lit, revealing Alex's usual cocky grin, directed in Lara's direction.
Or so he thought.
One green flare flickered out as Alex fell to the floor on top of it, hit… somewhere by a frying pan.
A quick distribution of flares, or lamps, as the nostalgic fellowship just had to call them, revealed the crushed, scattered material – not wooden structures collapsing but dry, cobwebbed bones and skeletons collapsing from their tidy piles. Most still were clad in rusting armor, and some had tattered, faded fabric pieces on them.
"God, don't these people dust?" muttered Lara under her breath.
In the meantime, the Fellowship and Co. continued walking through the mines. Every few milliseconds or so, Gandalf could be heard muttering death threats, while Lara could be heard cocking her pistols again. Boromir could be heard wincing, Gimli could be heard whining, and Alex could be heard attempting to flick his guns in circles (and dropping them, swearing, and picking them up) like the (cocky) American The Mummy, which in the past hour or so had become his favorite movie. Sam could be heard whistling while wiping some grime off his pan. Merry and Pippin seemed to be eating third lunch. Only Aragorn and Legolas appeared to be silent. Ran in royalty or elf-raised it seemed.
~*~
"MY DEAR COUSIN!" boomed Gimli. "OHHHH, MY COUSIN!!!!!!!" He
charged like a rhino towards a very crude coffin bathed in an ethereal bluish
tinged light, finally thumping his head against it and sobbing, though the
sound of it with was more like someone trying to breathe through a nose clogged
with semi-mashed potato. "My, my, snorkle, dear cousin, snorkle snorkle…."
Lara, in a rare show of kindness to people losing beloved family members, went so far as to find a very ladylike white handkerchief somewhere in her bottomless pack and offer it to Gimli, who blew his turnip nose in it before thrusting it back.
Lara's rare show of kindness faded rather quickly.
"Cor, wot a godahwfool smell!" trilled Alex hopefully. [Cor, what a godawful smell.]
To everyone's surprise it was Legolas he drove the hilt of his dagger into Alex's temple. He shrugged. "Annoying fool."
Lara raised an eyebrow.
Gimli suddenly noticed that the attention was no longer on him.
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MY DEEAAAR COUSIN!!!!!!! Snark snark."
~*~
"FRODO!" bellowed Gandalf.
"I didn't touch it!" wailed Frodo.
"Then why did a whole bloody skeleton topple down the freakin' well?" yelled- LEGOLAS?!!
"Why the bloody hell are you trying to talk like me?" yelled Lara back.
A bow and pistol were soon aimed at one another, arrow to barrel. The bearer of the bow was very red.
Then who should arrive but Gandalf, conking both of them over the head with his stick, which had finally been good for something, and shouting, "Walk!" Both walked as straight as possible with staggering behind him, as he very audibly pronounced, "Fools of a took."
Sam gaily swung his pan back and forth, singing.
Suddenly Lara halted, causing Legolas to slam right into her. He turned noticeably a shade darker. "What's that sound?"
Sam stopped mid-swing, mid-note. "Mista Frodo!" he said hoarsely.
Frodo withdrew his sword. It glowed a leering blue.
And of course, everyone knew what he said next.
"Orcs!" he rasped, sotto voce.
The fellowship and stowaways took off, all but Gandalf, who stood alone in the middle of nowhere and proclaimed, "We must run!"
~*~
A slight intro on some of our characters as they run:
Frodo: Orcs! Orcs!
Merry: Orcs! Orcs!
Sam: Orcs! Orcs!
Pippin: Orcs! Orcs!
Legolas: Blush blush. Orcs!
Alex: What the hell is an orc?
Gandalf: We are doomed.
Gimli: Snark snark, drool, drool.
Now, back to our story.
~*~