Thank youuuuuuuu. Mwah.
30
- either way -
Edward: Can we talk?
Sunday morning. The day after the best fucking night with him.
It's just after eight and there's concealer on my neck. I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm trying not to think about it too much. The deceit. The lies.
It's weighing on me. Especially when I look at my son while he eats his breakfast.
I've finished pouring a cup of coffee, and Jared just left for the day. Partners are being announced in less than a week, and he's stressed, even though he told me this morning that he heard it's likely going to happen for him.
I smiled genuinely. He didn't. He won't be happy until it's official.
He's never liked being in limbo.
I text Edward back.
Bella: Yeah, we can talk. Is everything okay?
Edward: Sort of. Is it okay if Seth and I come over?
Bella: Sure. When are you thinking?
Edward: Now?
I tell him okay and set Mikey up with cartoons in the living room to keep him occupied, so Edward and I can talk. I think about changing out of my thin cotton robe, but a minute later, there's a knock on my front door, and I find Edward with Seth in his arms.
"Hi, buddy," I tell Seth, who smiles at me. "Did he already eat?" I ask Edward. "I can throw some waffles in the toaster."
"Daddy make me fwench tows," Seth tells me.
"Ooh, yum!" I say excitedly. "You're making me look bad, Edward."
"You never look bad."
He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. I worry about what that might mean while he takes Seth into the living room to watch TV with Mikey.
When we move into the kitchen, Edward immediately hugs me. Strong arms around my waist, holding me against him. I can see the boys from here, but they're engrossed in the TV.
"Hey…" I hug him back, fingers tangling in his hair at the nape of his neck. "What's going on?"
He squeezes once more before letting go.
"I might have fucked up," he blurts.
I search his face. "What? How?"
"I told Rose and Em about us."
My body goes cold. "You—what? Why?"
"Em went up to my hotel room to take a piss after you left last night, and I wasn't thinking. We walked in, and Rose saw the bed, and she's not dumb, Bella. She immediately asked how long you and I have been doing this."
"And you told her?"
"Yes."
"Why?!" I blurt in frustration.
He runs a nervous hand through his hair. "Because I fucking faltered. I don't know. I didn't see the point. They ran into us a block away from the hotel. How often are you out until one in the morning? And we were alone, without Jared and Gianna. I guarantee they were already suspicious. The bed just confirmed it all."
"You could've denied it," I point out, but no. I know this isn't true. Nothing would have been believable. I would've done the same thing if I were in his shoes. But then a pang of guilt assaults me when I remember I was in his shoes. I was there, on that sidewalk getting busted by Rose and Em, too. And then I left him to deal with the mess.
"Maybe I'm tired of lying. Maybe I just want someone to know," he says softly, sadly. "I'm sorry."
I feel this, though. The lies. Keeping track. It's becoming too much. I don't think I can continue much longer either.
"It's okay. I'm sorry, too, for leaving you there with them. It would've been awkward, but we should've told them together. I'm sorry I put you in that position." He shakes his head, denying my words, but it's true. "I was just blindsided hearing you told them."
"I get it, but I trust them. They aren't going to say anything to anyone. They weren't even pissed, they just… they don't approve, but they don't disapprove?" Edward says, sounding confused. "They were being supportive. So please don't worry."
"I mean, of course, I'm worried. I don't want this to get out. I don't want Jared and Gianna to know what is going on."
"They're going to find out, Bella. One way or another?"
"Why would they?"
His face falls. "I mean… one day, right?"
"But we aren't… we wouldn't tell them about us, Edward."
My skin feels hot at the thought of Gianna and Jared knowing any of this. I pull my hair up into a messy bun. The boys' laughter in the other room calms me a little.
"They're not stupid. We'd both be getting a divorce. Even if you and I held off on going public for a year, they'd know or at least suspect something went on between us," he insists. "We're gonna have to deal with that and be okay with it because it's fucking worth it… right?"
The way he says right as if he doesn't know what I'm going to say, makes my stomach ache.
"Of course, it will be worth it," I reassure him. "It doesn't mean it will be easy, though."
"I don't want easy. I want you. I know it's going to take time, and it's going to be hard and hurt others, but I can't settle for anything less," he says boldly.
His words mirror my thoughts last night after coming home to Jared.
He can't settle for less, and I can't either.
I grab his hand and entangle our fingers together, desperate for a connection.
"I feel the same way, okay?" I whisper. "Now that we've started this, I can't go back, knowing what it's been like. You're all I want, too, and I'm sorry I made you doubt that for a second." He smiles faintly, his thumb brushing mine. "I'm just trying to make sure no one gets hurt. That's all."
"There's no way someone won't get hurt. That ship sailed the moment you and I decided to do this."
I sigh. "You're right. I'm just worried," I admit. "This is new territory for us, and it's scary. I don't want anyone else's judgment tainting this before we can figure out how this will work."
"Baby, no one else is going to find out, and Rose and Em aren't judging us," he says sincerely. "No one will taint this."
Hearing him call me baby comforts me and eases the worry in my chest.
"How am I even supposed to act around Rose and Em now?" I ask, covering my face, but he immediately pulls my hands away. "I mean, what exactly do they know?"
His eyes spark with something like tenderness. Affection. A small, knowing smile plays on his lips.
"I told them enough to know this is serious," he says vaguely. "That this isn't just a fling."
"Of course it's not," I say seriously. "But like, specifically. Is there anything I need to know?"
"They know I'm going to leave Gianna. And that I'm crazy for you and happier than I've been in for-fucking-ever."
His declaration softens my heart. I fight the urge to lean over and plant a kiss on him. If the boys weren't here, I would.
"I worry the next time I see them is going to be fucking weird," I tell him, unable to shake that.
"Yeah, it definitely will be. But Rose said she wasn't that surprised by this happening. She wasn't thrilled you used her as an excuse, though."
"I feel bad about that too," I say honestly. "Last night, I told Jared that I left my phone in my car, and that Rose is going through something, that's why she needed to talk for five hours. I feel like a dick."
"Stop. You're not a dick, but you should talk to Rose," he encourages. "Did Jared give you shit last night? Are you okay?"
"He could've gone harder on me. I think he had trouble getting Mikey back down, which is why he was pissed at all. At one point, he said he toyed with the idea we were together because your car was gone."
"What did you say to that?"
"Just told him not to think things like that. I was panicking, and I could barely even look at him."
Edward's jaw tightens. "I'm sorry. It's my fucking fault for letting you sleep."
"No." I shake my head. "I wanted to stay longer. You know I did."
Edward's eyes shift toward the hickey he gave me. It's not outright noticeable, especially with it covered, but he knows exactly where to look.
"Did he see?" he asks.
"No. It was dark when I got home, and then I slept with Mikey in his bed."
Relief flashes in Edward's fierce eyes after hearing I didn't sleep next to Jared. We both know I can't avoid that forever, though.
"Last night was too close of a call," I say quietly.
"I know," he agrees. "When I'm with you, nothing else fucking matters. It's dangerous, but I love it." He tugs at his hair. "Maybe we should take a step back for now."
Even though I know what he's saying needs to happen, I panic. "Take a step back how?"
"I don't know. I don't want that, obviously, but maybe we shouldn't sneak around. Not until things are set in motion."
I bite my lip. "Okay."
"I don't care about me getting caught, I just don't want to put you in any more shitty situations. It was killing me last night not knowing what was happening with Jared, and if he was freaking out on you or whatever."
"Being with you isn't a shitty situation. It's the fucking best," I reassure him, and he smiles softly. "But okay. You're right. No more sneaking around."
The boys start to lose interest in the show and mosey their way into the kitchen, ending our conversation for us.
"We should go," Edward says, picking up Seth, his little twin. "Maybe we can take the boys to the park later?"
They go wild for the idea.
I say yes.
But I also make plans to see Rose because we need to talk.
I need my best friend.
XXX
Later that day, I text Rose before Mikey goes down for a nap, hoping she can stop by, or at the very least, that we can talk on the phone.
Bella: Hey… you gonna be around in like an hour? Mikey will be napping, and I think we should talk. Edward told me everything.
Rose: Yes, we SHOULD talk… you want me to come by?
Bella: That depends on how upset you are. Do I want your wrath in person or with some distance?
Rose: Shush. I'm not mad at you. I'm sad you didn't tell me any of this but not mad.
I know Edward told me as much, but hearing it directly from her brings me so much relief.
Bella: Okay, yes, come over.
Rose: Or should we go somewhere… is J home?
Bella: He's working.
Rose: Okay. See you soon.
She sends a pink heart emoji, further easing my tension.
When I open the front door later and find Rose on my porch, I see Emmett making his way over to his brother's. He spots me, and I offer a wave. Emmett changes his direction and heads over to give me a big hug. I didn't realize how much I needed that until he offered it, and I squeeze him back, my eyes filling with tears.
"You don't hate me, Em?" I ask as we pull apart.
"No fucking way. You make my brother happy," he says simply. "And you're my girl's best friend. We're good."
I blink away my tears. "Thanks."
He smiles and shrugs then kisses Rose before heading over to Edward's.
When it's just Rose and me again, she looks at me.
"Well, well, well," she says with a small, sad smile.
I sigh and let her in. "I'm sorry," I immediately say.
We hug.
"Don't be sorry," she insists, hugging me for a beat longer.
"No, really. I'm so sorry." Emotion rises hot in my throat as we pull back. "I told Jared I was with you last night and gave him some bullshit about how you needed me, hinting toward something going on with you, and it was shitty, and I feel like a bitch, and just… I'm sorry."
"Hey, it's okay. I wasn't thrilled when Edward told me you said you were with me, but I get it." Rose squeezes my hand, offering reassurance I'm not sure I deserve. "Tell me everything."
I sniffle. "I thought Edward already did."
Rose's smile is soft. "Yeah, but I want to hear it from you, dummy."
We sit in the living room, and I tell her everything. From the night Edward called me pretty in his kitchen to our time in the hotel less than twelve hours ago. I tell her about my guilt, but when I'm with Edward, nothing else matters.
I don't stop there, though. I start from the beginning and recall that first day he walked into my office, searching for a house to buy. I tell her how I was newly married and had a small pang of regret, longing to be single. But it didn't matter because he was married, too. That's how we've spent the last six years—thinking about more but fighting our feelings. Growing closer as friends while wishing we were lovers… partners.
"So, it's more than just hot sex?" Rose asks, eyeing me.
"Did you not hear anything I said?" I ask rhetorically. "It's more than sex. It's… everything." I'm too far gone. I've fallen for Edward in every capacity. Heart, mind, soul. Body. I've always loved him as a friend, but now it's so much more. I can see and feel that. "I'm in love with him, Rose."
Her smile is satisfied. "Just checking. I needed to make sure before I offered up any advice," she says honestly. "It's heartbreaking that the instant you met Edward, you had regrets about marrying Jared. Like, what a mindfuck that would be."
"Yeah. I mean, I don't want it to sound like every day I was miserable and wishing Edward was mine. But sometimes? A lot of the time. Yeah. It just didn't seem attainable, and sometimes it still doesn't."
"What do you mean sometimes it still doesn't?"
"I mean… am I going to end my marriage just because Jared isn't Edward?" I don't believe this, but I say it anyway, desperate for my best friend's advice.
Rose gives me a look. "That's just one reason on a very long list of reasons, isn't it?"
She's right.
I don't feel respected in my marriage. I don't feel like an equal part of this relationship. I know Jared says he loves me, but in what capacity? It doesn't feel pure. Yeah, it's weighted with years and dulled with time—that happens. But I feel very strongly that ten years down the line, what Edward and I have will be resilient. Ten years down the line, no matter if Edward were in the picture or not, I don't see Jared and me being together.
What Jared and I have isn't sustainable—it's just not. We would have deteriorated eventually because we've changed and outgrown each other. Our priorities have shifted and we've veered in different directions. Even if getting back on course is feasible, it's not what I want anymore. Therapy might buy us some months, but that would be wasting our time. We both deserve more. Mikey does, too.
"You're right," I tell Rose. "Wanting Edward isn't the only reason why my marriage is failing. It feels so sudden, but I know it's not. Maybe it's mostly just surreal that I'm at this point at all."
You go into marriage knowing the odds of divorce, but you never think that will be me. No one ever does.
"Yeah, girl, I can't imagine what is going on in your mind. Or how all of this is going to play out. But, you know Em and I will be there for you, right? For both of you."
"I know that now. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I wasn't sure how you were going to react. Gianna's your sister-in-law. You understand why I was hesitant to tell you."
"Yeah, but also, no. I'm not that close with Gianna. You're more family to me than she is. I don't want her to get hurt, like, I don't hate the bitch," Rose says with a snort. "But I want Edward to be happier more than I don't want her to get hurt. My loyalty is to you and Edward. So is Emmett's. Maybe it's harsh, but it's true."
I appreciate hearing this so fucking much. "Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me. I know he will be happier with you. I know you'll take care of him, and I know you'll be in good hands too. The way he talked about you, Bell. Like, other than Seth, you're the most important person to him." Her sigh is soft and satisfied, her words of approval easing my worry. "So, what's the actual plan? Or are you two so caught up in how good the sex is, there is no plan yet?"
My cheeks heat, and I can't contain my smile.
"No real plan yet, but we are taking a step back from sneaking around. He's going to go to therapy with Gianna and will break it to her there. As for Jared…" My heart sinks, but when I think about the end goal—Edward and me together—it rises back up. "I need to start having some difficult conversations and let him know I'm unhappy. I don't want him to be blindsided."
Rose squeezes my hand. "Are you going to tell him about Edward?"
"I don't want to. Imagining that kills me. But I have to be honest about that at some point. I don't want Edward to be a secret forever. He means too much to me."
She nods along, digesting this. "Part of me is shocked this is happening, but the other part isn't. I'm, like, what took so long? You and Edward have been close for a while and I've picked up on vibes."
What took so long is fear. Familiarity. The desire to not fuck up a family. The urge to see something through.
But the idea of eventually spending every day and night with Edward outshines all of those reasons.
"You'll get through this," Rose reassures me. "It's going to be so fucking difficult and messy, but if it's what you and Edward both want and need, it'll be worth it in the long run. I promise. And I say that as unbiasedly as I can… even though the thought of having you as a sister-in-law one day makes me excited."
I smile. Her words and advice give me the validation I need, and the strength and determination to accept the fact that I'm going to leave my husband. Though Edward is part of the reason why this is happening, I'm not doing this for him.
I'm doing it for myself.