Olivia chuckled at her own joke, but Amanda was too stunned to react. For a moment, all she could do was stare into the dark chocolate eyes of the woman she had wanted for so long, waiting for her brain to catch up with reality. Amanda had tears in her eyes as she pulled back from the brunette to wipe them on her sleeve. "Does this mean… What does this mean, Liv?"
"It means that I'm not sorry you kissed me, or that I kissed you back." Liv said, seriously. Taking Amanda's hands in her own. "It means that I am attracted to you, and I'm sorry if it didn't seem like it before." She looked down, feeling slightly ashamed of her reaction earlier.
"What happened, Liv, I don't understand," Amanda asked, looking perplexed at the brunette's sudden sadness. "Did I do somethin' wrong?"
"No it's— oh god, this is gonna sound like such a cliché," the lieutenant cringed, "it's not you, it's me."
When she saw Amanda's confusion, she sighed, "c'mon over here," she said pulling the blonde towards the sofa, sitting down facing one another, she attempted to explain. "Manda, since Lewis I— I've had a hard time… letting people in. Even with Brian, I— I was just sort of going through the motions, hoping that one day they might start to mean something again." She shrugged sadly, "you know how well that turned out."
"So, what are you saying, Liv?" Amanda said, unable to keep a note of disappointment out of her voice. "You don't want this? You don't want— me?" Her voice broke on the last word as she sat back away from Liv, her heart squeezing painfully and tears forming in her eyes. She couldn't keep up with Olivia, one minute she was kissing her, the next she was saying she can't let people in. What was going on?
"No, honey, no, that's not what I'm saying at all." Olivia shifted to the floor, kneeling before the blonde and resting her hands upon Amanda's knees, forcing her to make eye contact. "Manda, what I'm trying to say is that, when you kissed me, you woke something in me." She jabbed her hand at her own chest, just over her heart, her eyes full of passion as she willed the blonde to understand. "It's something I thought I had lost. Amanda, I trust you, and when we kissed, I felt a connection to you on a level I didn't think I was capable of anymore. It took me by surprise, and that's why I pulled away. I was in shock and confused."
She reached forward, tucking Amanda's hair back behind her ear, then cupping her cheek tenderly. "But I'm not confused anymore," she breathed. "Amanda, I care about you, so much. I don't know what exactly that means for us, all I know is that kissing you feels so right, and if you want to, I'd like us to figure it out, together."
Amanda had sat silently while Liv explained, tears welling in her eyes and eventually spilling over. By the time Olivia had finished, the blonde was beaming despite the tears. "God damn hormones," she muttered, wiping her face once more with her sleeve as they both chuckled. "Are you serious, Liv? You really want us to… be an 'us'? You trust me that much?"
"Amanda, the stuff we talked about earlier, I've never shared that much of myself with anyone, not even my therapist." She shifted back to sit on the sofa again, her knees protesting over the prolonged contact with the hard floor. She sat as close to Amanda as physically possible, keeping her hand on the blonde's knee. "We may need to take it slowly," she said, nervousness creeping into her tone now. "It's been a while since I was in a relationship, and even longer since I was in one with a woman. I don't wanna move too fast and screw this up."
Amanda felt butterflies explode in her tummy at the brunette's words. A relationship. I'm in a relationship with Olivia Benson. The last time she had felt this combination of elation and terror was the day she had fainted in the hospital. She had dreamed of being with Liv since she first met her, but she was petrified she would screw things up, as she was wont to do with relationships.
"Liv," Amanda started, placing her own hand over the brunette's where it rested on her knee. "I don't want to scare you, but I meant what I said earlier. I've had feelings for you for as long as I can remember. I can't tell you what it's meant to me over these last few months, when we've been getting to know each other better."
She shuffled, awkwardly, "I know it will be complicated," she placed a hand on her abdomen, "but then again, we're both kinda used to complicated, huh?" She finished with a half-smile.
"I promised you I would be here for you and this baby," Liv murmured, putting her hand on top of Amanda's over her belly. "I stand by that, even if this doesn't work out between us, you won't have to do this alone."
Amanda leaned forward slowly, giving Liv the chance to back away if she wanted. When she didn't, Amanda pressed a small, chaste kiss to the older woman's lips and whispered, "I don't think we need to worry about that." She smiled.
The younger woman leaned back into the sofa cushions, pulling Liv with her. The brunette leaned her head against Amanda's shoulder, nuzzling her forehead into the blonde's neck. Amanda pressed her nose into Liv's now dry hair, inhaling deeply the vanilla scent of her shampoo. Their hands remained entwined over Amanda's stomach, Liv's thumb stroking lightly over her shirt. Neither of them said a word, they just rested there in a comfortable silence. Amanda occasionally stroked her hand up and down the brunette's arm, while Olivia lifted their entwined fingers to kiss the pale knuckles of the blonde's hand every so often. Both were taking the time to absorb how the night had unfolded.
After about quarter of an hour, Amanda felt Olivia trying to stifle a yawn. "Time for bed I think," the blonde said, checking her watch as she too began to yawn, "shoot, it's past midnight."
"Ugh," Liv groaned, "tomorrow is gonna be hell." She smirked, a twinkle in her eye as she leaned in to whisper conspiratorially into Amanda's ear. "I have this detective in my squad at work, cute blonde, but if she doesn't get a full night's sleep, she can be a real pain in the ass!"
"Hey," Amanda shoved Liv playfully as they both laughed. "Did I tell you about my boss? Smokin' hot brunette, but she's like a bear with a sore head when she doesn't get enough sleep." They fell about giggling once more.
When they eventually got up from the sofa, Liv followed Amanda towards her bedroom door, but stopped outside it. The blonde turned to face her, looking up into warm chocolate eyes. "I guess this is where we say goodnight?" Amanda said, not wanting to pressure the older woman into anything.
Liv reached for the smaller woman's hand, taking it gently between both of her own. "Actually I was hoping I could kiss you goodnight, if that's okay?" She asked hesitantly.
Amanda beamed and nodded, trying not to look too eager, but her blue eyes sparkled. She let the older woman take the lead.
Liv pulled the hand she still held up, resting it on the nape of her own neck, before sliding both her own hands around Amanda's back, coming to rest over her shoulder blades. Amanda's other hand snaked around the curve of Liv's hip, her fingers splayed over the brunette's lower back, pressing their bodies together.
They leaned in together, their breath mingling in the air between them, noses brushing together. It started out slow, the warm caress of soft lips, sweet and tender. As the passion built, it was Liv's tongue that again begged for entrance to Amanda's mouth. The blonde obliged and their tongues slid together, tasting, massaging one another. A deep moan came from somewhere, reverberating through their bodies, though neither could tell who had made the sound.
The kiss eventually broke, both of them panting slightly as they rested their foreheads together, smiling like idiots as brown stared into blue. "I think," Amanda said breathlessly, taking a reluctant step back from Olivia and grasping long tanned fingers in her own hands, "I oughta go into my room before I take this too far, too fast."
"That's probably a good idea," Liv replied in a low, husky voice that almost had Amanda changing her mind.
Keeping her head however, not wanting to ruin the moment, she raised one of Olivia's hands to her mouth, and with a final brush of her lips across the brunette's knuckles, she whispered, "G'night, Liv." And, with a cheeky grin, backed into her room, closing the door with a soft click behind her.
Olivia stood there, staring at the door that now concealed the woman she was falling for. Her stomach was full of butterflies and she couldn't prevent the huge goofy grin that was spreading across her face. She stood there a few seconds longer, before shaking her head dazedly and heading to her own bedroom.
On the other side of the door, Amanda wore a similar expression of giddy delight. She couldn't believe how her evening had transpired. Her heart soared as she remembered the feel of Olivia's lips against her own, the feel of her body under her hands. She couldn't wait to see where this was going.