Notes: Sorry for the lengthy delay in posting an update. Writing this chapter was quite the struggle and there were times I had to leave it alone instead of forcing myself to write it. Sometimes that's the only option. There were so many spots where it needed to be written and edited and edited again and then all again once more just for how it flowed. Hope that it worked out fine in the end and this chapter is readable.
As always, the non-canon swearing was edited out of this one for this site, but remains in it as how this was written over on ao3.
Without keeping you waiting any longer... hope you enjoy how it ended up!
Waking first from their shared dream encounter with Zachariah, Manda was breathing hard as her eyes sprung open to look at the ceiling. It wasn't lost on her that minutes ago she'd been pinned on a ceiling and burned alive there in a dream either. Disturbed, even if she was getting used to dealing with these hellish dreams, she quickly sat up and put a hand on her stomach in order to reassure herself that her baby was fine. Then she looked over at Dean who was still stuck in that nightmare. Seeing his eyes fluttering behind their lids, she put her other hand on his arm to let him know she was here waiting for him to wake up, and bit back the tears. But as the tears fell anyway, she could only curse Zachariah. He truly was an evil bastard for everything he'd just done to them.
Abruptly waking a minute or two after her, Dean instantly jumped up straight in bed, heart pounding fast in his chest "She's wherever you left her… unless she's not," Zachariah's parting words echoed in his head. With some panic, he hurriedly turned his head to look for Manda. Halle-frickin-lujah! You haven't found her yet and you never will, you sonuvabitch. An overwhelming amount of relief ran through him at seeing her still there. She was awake and sitting up, breathing a little too fast and hard while looking at him with relief even as tears streaked down her face. But at least she was still next to him in bed just as she had been before. Looking deep in her eyes then, seeing only heartbreak and concern, he knew without asking that they really had just been through that dream together at the hands of Zachariah.
Not hesitating a second longer then, he pulled her in for a tight hug at exactly the same moment she chose to fling herself around him. Burying his face in the crook of her neck, he could feel her pulse racing. She was scared and upset, and he was right there with her. He pulled back after a few seconds and then cupped her face. "Manda…" he said, his voice cracking with a hint of worry. "Are you…" he paused, glancing down at her stomach. One of his hands left her face and quickly went right over the swell of stomach in his need to somehow physically connect with their unborn child now, and to make sure she was just as pregnant as she had been before they'd fallen asleep. "Is she… you're both okay, right?" he asked with concern, searching her face for any sign of pain or discomfort. It wasn't entirely logical, but part of him just wasn't sure if she was hurt or not because of how real that dream had felt, never mind what the angel had done to her in it. The other part of him realized the stress of all that might be enough to now cause something to happen to her and the baby, and it unnerved the hell out of him.
Manda nodded and closed her eyes, pressing her cheek more against his palm. Then she put her hand over his on her stomach and opened her eyes to look into his. "Our baby girl's still right where she should be, Dean. She's fine. I'm fine. Promise," she reassured him. But she was far from fine. She was completely stressed out, angry, upset, and nauseous at the thought of it all. Zachariah had really outdone himself this time with making Dean watch as she burned on the ceiling like his mom had. Having seen his face as he looked up at her during that, she knew it had ripped him apart in ways he would never heal from. So the sooner she did the spell now, the better, because she couldn't let Dean go through that for real. The kind of devastation it would leave him with would send him on a one-way street of destruction. Reaching up with her other hand, she gently touched his face. "Are you all right? That was… intense."
Taking a deep breath, Dean just nodded. But he wasn't all right. He was beyond angry, beyond worried, and beyond haunted by that dream now. Manda should have been safe with him tonight, he'd told her so, had even believed it himself, and now Zachariah had just gone and taken that away with one goddamned nightmare. So if she wasn't actually safe with him, then she wouldn't be safe anywhere and now he really had no idea how he was supposed to protect her at all. "That sailed right past intense the second that douche conference called you into my dream, Chambers." He just wrapped his arms around her again to hold her close again. Helplessly watching her and their unborn child burn on the ceiling like his mom had was something he hadn't even had time to imagine yet, and even if it was only a dream, it had torn him apart not to be able to do anything in that moment. So it just figured that prick had used it against him, never mind the audacity to rub it in by saying he could stop it if he just said yes to Michael. "How the hell did he even do that?"
"Hell if I know," she said, pulling back from him a little. "But he's an angel, or didn't you catch his cockiness in reminding us of that fact?"
"Oh yeah, Freddy Krueger there really is some friggin' angel. But he said a lot of things…" he scoffed, moving to lean back against the headboard then. Zachariah had said a lot before he'd brought her into it and then he'd said even more with her there.
"And did even worse ones." Manda sat there and just lightly ran her hand over her stomach in circles. We're okay, baby. We just gotta get through these next few days without Zachariah figuring things out. And thank god he didn't catch sight of my plan yet. Guess he was too preoccupied with hurting your dad by hurting us… and he was hurt. Your daddy loves you, baby. It was written all over his face when he saw you… if that was you...
Watching Manda try to calm herself a little more then, it dawned on him that she'd put her t-shirt back on at some point. She hadn't been wearing it when he'd fallen asleep, which meant she'd probably woken up before this or hadn't been able to sleep much even with him there. But if Zachariah was doing this kind of thing to her every night, he couldn't blame her for not sleeping, and now he needed to know the true extent of the angel's torment of her since that bastard had brought it up too. She'd brushed it off earlier as being nothing much to worry about, but it definitely was something to worry about with what he'd just witnessed. "Is that… what he said about you being through worse with him… is this what that son of a bitch does to you every night?"
Quiet for a moment, she wasn't sure how to answer that. She had wanted to spare Dean the details, but what they'd just been through was enough to give him the sum of it. Downplaying it again wouldn't help either when he'd just seen how bad it could be. Still, there were times it was worse. "Close enough…" she uttered, not wanting to admit to much more than that for his sake. "But sticking me on the ceiling like that…" she scoffed. "That dick was going above and beyond tonight for your benefit. He really thought he'd hear you say yes."
Dean noted her deflection, knew it was much worse than she was letting on. He wanted to be angry with her for downplaying it earlier and now, but that little girl's face, the one that was supposed to be their daughter's, flashed in his mind as he looked at her. He rubbed at the furrow in his brow. "Manda, how the hell do you sleep?" Anger still leaked through in his voice with a harsh tone.
"Oh, you know, like a freakin' baby. How else?" Manda kidded with a dry chuckle. She leaned back beside him then. "Power naps. Not the same as drinking yourself into oblivion for those few hours of dreamless sleep, but it mostly works. Well, when I'm not too tired anyway."
He turned his head towards her and gave her a strange look. Then he tilted his head, making an expression that said she had a point. He'd drunk himself into oblivion many nights just for that reason, still did. That was sometimes the only way he got any sleep. "Fair enough. Now are you gonna tell me what happened there? Because he just about flew the coop the second you pulled out the angel blade. How the hell did you manage that one anyway?"
She smirked a little mischievously. "Little trick I picked up thanks to my research, and then some trial and error. See, those bastards can take it over, but in the end it's still not their dream, Winchester. Can't keep him out of my dreams, but at least I'm getting better at cutting down on his fun time in them."
"Okay… maybe Cass doesn't need to fry your brain with warding. But how'd you keep him from finding out you were pregnant for so long in the first place?"
Thinking it over for a minute, she wasn't actually certain of that herself. Her pregnancy hadn't been obvious in her dreams, at least not until the baby bump had emerged for real anyway. It had also become clear to her pretty quickly that an angel wasn't quite able to read a human's mind in a dream the same way they could when they were right in front of that person. Moving closer to him then, she rested her head on his shoulder. "Not sure. Might have something to do with them not being able to fully read our minds while we're asleep… and then again, it's not like I'm the first Chambers good at keeping secrets either, am I?"
"No, you're not…" Sarcastically guffawing, he just slid his arm behind her to hold her a little closer. But she wasn't joking, because from what he knew about not only her but also her late family, they had all been good at keeping their mouths shut about things. "That why you kept me in the dark about this? Because I wouldn't go along with your plan if I knew what was going on? But after what I just saw Zachariah do to you, you wanna tell me how the hell I'm still supposed to leave here tomorrow without you. How do I freaking let you go off alone like you want to with him after you and pulling this crap?" Dean asked with a hushed and still harsh tone. "Because you know, there've been so many times when I thought me and Sam would be better off if we weren't hunting together, if we just went our own ways, and guess what? Every time we did that that was never the case. Things just got worse or went to hell anyway, and now I'm starting to think that might be the same deal with you and me."
Manda lifted her head and looked at him. "But, Dean, I'm not Sam. Never will be. And I know you don't want to leave me here or let me go off on my own like this, but you have to." Her voice was calm and serious. She pulled away from him by sitting up a little straighter again, and stared at him intently. "I won't lie, I don't like my plan either, but we both stand a better chance if we don't stick together right now. We both know it too. Because right now you can't afford to worry about me and the baby or have us distract you… and I… I can't afford the same, okay? Not when no matter what we say to each other one of us will still end up doing something stupid for the other sooner or later. That's just who we are."
Just staring at her with some disbelief, he shook his head. While all of that was probably true, he still didn't care. The reality of the dream was simple for him – she needed protecting. There was no way he could stand by and just let Zachariah kill her and their child. They were his family. "No, you're not Sam. You're my friggin' soul mate, Chambers, and that baby you're having is my daughter, too." His voice got a little louder then, but he kept it quiet enough to not wake Sam or Bobby by nearly fighting with her again in the middle of the night. He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed heavily. The smile on that little girl's face flashed in his mind again, so did the look on Manda's face the moment she'd seen her. Without any doubt at all, he knew that she loved their daughter to no end right then and there. He had. "So with me or not, I'm not supposed to worry or get distracted by you and her? Yeah right. And, sweetheart, saving both of you wouldn't be stupid. Not to me. It's the best thing I could do for her. For you. Because you know… that son of a bitch was right about one thing. I could save both of you, and stop all of it."
Her eyes widened at that last bit because she had heard it in his voice. She knew he was now actually considering saying yes, and he couldn't do that. "And you think Zachariah will let us off that easy? Let your daughter and me live?" She let out a hard scoff, stared at him with a look that said he knew better than that. She sure as hell did. The angel had sworn he'd wipe them both out of existence whether Dean said yes or no. "The moment you say yes, he'll kill me anyway. The angel team is afraid and they're scrambling because of it. They've got no idea why their absent daddy brought me back or what our kid now has to do with that plan, Dean. They'll take me right off the table to hurt you just as much as they would do it to screw that up and you know it." She raised her voice a little, the seriousness in her tone was clear.
Dean mulled it over for a brief second. It was entirely possible that was true, and he wouldn't put it past them to do it either. "Yeah, well, not if I make them agree to a few things first, like making sure you and her cross the finish line unharmed. Michael's the boss and Zachariah's just his bitchy secretary, and he knows it. More importantly, we know it and I can use that to help you and the kid." His voice held a trace of sadness as he looked at her. He knew if he went over Zachariah's head that he could save them before he said yes to Michael by asking for their safety and survival to be promised first. Once it was, he didn't give one damn about what happened to himself afterwards, just as long as they were both safe and alive because of it.
She could read him, knew he wasn't kidding around, that he'd do it if he thought it would work, but that's not what she wanted. Saying yes to Michael was too much of a gamble, and it guaranteed nothing. She wanted him alive at the end of this, wanted them all alive, even if they couldn't be together. Giving him her best no nonsense look then, Manda stared him straight in the eyes. "You listen up and you better hear this loud and clear, Winchester – no!" she basically hissed in a hushed yell. "No way in hell am I letting you do that. My parents gave up their lives for mine and it nearly destroyed me. Your dad sacrificed his life for yours, you did the same damn thing for Sam, and look how that all ended up. So you're not doing it for me, and I'm sure as hell not frigging letting you do that for our daughter."
Hearing the pain in her voice, seeing the emotions on her face, Dean just stared back at her with a hard look. He'd heard her all right. She was putting her foot down on him doing what it took to save her and the baby, and she was just so goddamn headstrong. This was one of those times when he loved and hated her for it, and she would keep standing her ground about this, but it still wasn't up to her. "Manda… I heard you. Maybe there's no way in hell you're letting me do it, but damn it, you know it's still not your call. It's mine. And if it frigging well comes down to that and that's what it frigging takes…"
"Dean," she sighed, cutting him off. "If you even made it through that… if Michael doesn't leave you like a goddamn pot of soupy mashed potatoes by the end of it, what it means… no," her voice broke as her eyes welled up with tears. "I'm not making you choose between Sam or this kid and me. I couldn't live with that choice anymore than you can. But I'll tell you right now that you can go ahead and pick Sam if you think you need to make it. My family didn't raise me to be a hunter who just saves her own ass. Don't care that I'm pregnant either. From this point on I will always do what's best for my child first, and guess what? Having her father alive and having him not resent us for making that choice is what's best for her. So you just keep telling the holy team where to shove it and let me worry about protecting myself and our kid for the unforeseeable future."
He shook his head. He was putting their child first, but she just didn't seem to see it that way. "Making sure she's born and alive is what's best for her, Manda," he shot back. "Just like making sure you're the parent that's around to raise her is. I saw the paperwork for your trust… not only are you her mom, you can give her way more than I'll ever be able to. She… she won't need me, okay? The kid deserves a normal life, not this messed up hunter one and you can damn well do that for her as long as there's still a world left for her to grow up in. Now that's something I can give her…"
Manda just stared at him with a heartbroken look as her eyes misted over again. "How can you… even if that dream wasn't real, you saw that little girl… saw her whole face light up at seeing you. You really think that's not how it'll be for real? So how can you even think your daughter wouldn't need you? You're her dad, Dean. She'll need you in her life more than she'll ever need my family trust." She reached out and ran her fingers softly over his cheek. It nearly broke her to hear him say that now, because even if she was going to take that knowledge away from him, he would always be her baby's father. She knew it, and her daughter would know it too. "I know I do."
Oh, I saw her... and if my life ends up being the cost for hers, then you know I'll pay it. Closing his eyes for a second, Dean just stayed silent. He had seen how that little girl's face had lit up the moment her eyes found his. He couldn't forget it, and even thinking about it now, he could feel it fill that empty hole in him he hadn't even known he had. That was why he was now willing to do whatever it took to keep them alive if that's what it came down to. "If that's true, then why do you sound so goddamn gung-ho about doing this alone?" he asked in a bitter tone. Then he gave her a curious look. "You'd let me know if there was something else going on, right?"
Dean was looking at her with such a scrutinizing closeness that she wondered if he could see right through her then. There was no way he could though, she knew that. While he was somewhat aware of what was going on, telling him wouldn't change much, so carrying out her plan without him knowing was still the best bet. "I would, but there's not," she lied, hating herself for it. "And I'm not gung-ho about it. You know as well as I do that all of us – you, me, and especially our unborn baby girl, stand the best shot at making it through everything alive if you go your way and I go mine for the time being. And she deserves that shot." She returned his close look then with her own. "So do you trust me, Dean? And do you trust that I'll do whatever it takes to protect our daughter?"
He looked at her a little funny, she was making a good point, but he wasn't sure why she was asking him this now. There were times he wondered if he did trust her because of how she kept things hidden, but when push came to shove, at the heart of it, he did trust her. Manda had and always would have his back, and that meant he also knew without any doubt at all that she would do anything for their daughter. She was certainly capable of doing whatever it took too because he knew her granddad had made sure of it years ago, and he'd witnessed her do it before. "That's not what I was getting at."
"Winchester, just answer the question. Do you trust me to keep our kid safe?"
After searching her face for a pensive moment, he closed his eyes and nodded. "Like I trust myself to, Manda. Which scares the crap outta me because I know what I'd do to keep her and you safe… hell, you know what I'll do."
"And that scares the crap outta me." Manda leaned in and then lightly brushed her lips against his. "But that's exactly how you leave here without me, handsome. You trust me to do that, and I'll trust you to keep your ass alive in the meantime. Which with your track record, won't be easy for you, will it?"
Dean scowled at her, and then rolled his eyes. "Are you kidding? With how many times I've nearly been dead or come back from it, it's my ass staying that way that seems to be the problem," he somewhat joked.
Patting his cheek softly, she just looked at him with a sad half smile then. "That's not funny."
Looking into her eyes a little deeply, he just put a finger under her chin and then leaned in for a gentle kiss. "Yeah, well, neither is what Zachariah's doing to you. So are you sure there's nothing else I need to know?"
"There's nothing else," she said without hesitation. A tear rolled down her cheek just then to go with the lie rolling off her tongue. "And nothing about any of this is funny."
Studying her intently for a minute, seeing that she was emotional again, but that she seemed to be telling him the truth, he just reached up and used his thumb to wipe away another tear that fell down her cheek. "Okay." Dean leaned in then and pressed his lips to her forehead. "Then as much as I'm probably gonna regret saying this… we'll do this your way for now, Chambers. But if things get worse and you can't handle it, you need to let me know. And you need to swear to me you'll call Cass the second you think there's trouble. Then we do things my way. Because if that son of a bitch actually gets to touch a hair on your head… or hers…" The heartache was clear on his face even though his voice took on a bit of a growl as he thought not only of Manda burning on that ceiling again, but also of their daughter's face while Manda had held her in her arms.
Manda briefly closed her eyes as a few more silent tears escaped. Then she nodded at him "Got it. So, as long as you swear to me that you'll keep saying no to Michael no matter what, you've got a deal."
Smirking a little, he shrugged. "Sweetheart, you know playing hard to get isn't my usual game, but in this case… okay. Deal."
"Deal." She leaned in and gave him a lingering kiss. Then she just looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. "Because it's like you said, Winchester… you're my friggin' soul mate, and this baby I'm having is your daughter, too. And the thought of what would happen to you if you say yes…" Slowly shaking her head as she choked on the words, a painful emotional expression crossed her face, and more tears started streaming down her cheeks.
It was written all over her right then, and Dean could see just how much she truly worried about him now. He wished she'd just worry about herself instead. "I know," he uttered, pulling her in close for a hug. He didn't want to think about what would happen to him if he said yes. He knew it wasn't going to be good, that it would probably make the time he'd spent in hell look like some sort of luxurious vacation. "But we both know it'll still be a thousand times worse than that," he whispered in her ear with a quick peck on the side of her head. "So will whatever Zachariah will do to you if he gets his hands on you for real."
Nodding because that was true, Manda pulled back from the hug to look at him. "I know."
She did know, so he stared back at her sadly, then reached up and let his fingers run lightly along her cheek on his way to cupping the back of her head before he gave her a slow and deep kiss that quickly got intense. Edging her backwards slowly, he got her lying down and planted his hands on the bed on both sides of her to be over instead of on her.
Nearly breathless when his mouth finally left hers, she just searched his face as he hovered over her with a meaningful look. She thought he was going to say something, but he didn't. "What?"
He shook his head and then shifted on to one elbow beside her. He locked eyes with her again, let his free hand find the side of her stomach, and then gently rubbed it a few times before he gave her an open kiss. "I.. I, uh…" he said quietly, finding it hard to say what he needed to now. But then her hand tenderly caressed his cheek, and he knew he had to get it out. "Look, when Zachariah was making you miscarry… when she just vanished from your arms… and when he put you on that damn ceiling with her so close to being born…" He closed his eyes for a second, trying to shove it down, but when he opened them again, the pain in his eyes at having watched all that was still there. If it had happened for real, it would have broken what little bit he was still hanging on to that kept him going. "I-I can't lose you and the kid, okay? Not to that son of a bitch, and sure as hell not for good either."
Manda just brushed away the tear that rolled down his cheek then with her thumb. Losing him was going to break her, but as long as she had their daughter, she'd carry on, so she knew exactly how he felt. "I know, baby. Believe me, I know," she whispered, stretching up a little. She kissed him passionately then, shoving down her guilt and heartbreak. He couldn't know he was still going to lose them soon, just not the way he thought he would. Because besides their daughter's life, what losing them would do to Dean was the other reason why she'd known she had to go ahead with the spell. She just hoped he wouldn't lose them to it forever.
Dean moaned, and then pulled back before things got too heated. He gave her a small smirk and then laid a quick kiss on her forehead before he rolled onto his back beside her. It was late, emotions were running too high and it was time to lighten the mood now. "Okay, gorgeous… you've had more than enough excitement for today. Think maybe it's time to try doing that sleep thing again?"
Laughing, she turned more onto her side with her back to him now. She wasn't sure they would be able to sleep, but she was exhausted enough to try it again. "God, yes. But this time you better…"
He moved behind her in an instant, slid one arm under her pillow, pressed his body up against her and then put the other arm over her. "C'mon, I know this drill by now," he chuckled.
Laying there with him holding her close, it wasn't more than a few minutes until Manda felt his hand slip over her stomach and stay there. She smiled sadly as she closed her eyes. "Dean… do you... do you think that little girl Zachariah conjured up was really her?"
Thinking about it for a second, he wasn't certain that little girl had actually been their daughter, but if anything out there could pull that one off, a freaking angel like Zachariah probably could. "I don't know. Maybe. Do you think that's what she'll look like?" he asked curiously. Neither of them had brought that up and now because she had asked, he wondered about it himself.
"He might have just mixed up our traits just enough to sell it. But if that was her…" she answered and then paused, picturing that little girl's face then. "If that really was her, she was beautiful, Dean. Kinda perfect even, you know?" Her voice cracked a little and she bit her lip to stop the tears.
"Yeah…" he uttered with a hint of sorrow. He still feared he wasn't actually ever going to get to see her, but he wasn't about to admit it to Manda now. "She was… and she will be, Manda. Just can't tell it from that mug shot right now. But if it was her, she still looked a hell of a lot more like you than me. Which is probably a good thing since she's a girl."
Manda patted the hand he still had firmly splayed over her stomach and let out a small guffaw. "I don't know, Winchester. You are kinda pretty…"
"More like I'm pretty handsome, smartass," Dean retorted with a cocky smirk. "And don't you ever forget it. But just try to get some sleep in now, Chambers. I'm here and I ain't letting you go tonight."
Notes: So that's it. Obviously there was a conversation to be had between Dean and Manda after the last chapter. I hope that talk went down exactly as it should have between them at this point because I do believe Dean would consider saying yes after that dream. I also believe Manda would be against it and still keep quiet about her actual plan. Both of them want to save the other and their daughter somehow, so it seems to make sense that there would be a little more butting of their heads on how to do that. Especially after what Zachariah did to them in that dream. Having Dean become a little suspicious of her plan now also was bound to happen.
Hopefully everything worked out here with the content and the flow of this whole chapter. I wanted there to be more in it, to have it move the story along a little further here, but that's not how it went as I wrote it.
I will try my best to get the next chapter up in the usual timeframe of 3-4 weeks, but no promises.
Thanks for reading!