CW: Negative thoughts

It felt like my brain was swimming inside of my skull. Snape had to be lying. He had to be. I didn't believe any of my friends would try and make me kill someone, especially not Sirius. Sirius,who just last night had told me he was in love with me.

I pushed Snape off me, then clambered out of the bed and walked out of the Hospital Wing. I had to ask Sirius about this. Had to confirm that Snape was a liar who should burn in hell.

I was walking through the castle faster than I ever had in my entire life, so fast that I didn't even see James, and ran straight into him.

"Remus," said James. "Are you OK?"

"Oh, yeah," I said. "I'm just looking for Sirius..."

"Oh, um..." James fiddled with his hands for a second. "Remus, last night... something happened..."

"What happened?" I asked. I knew James wouldn't lie to me at least.

"Well, Sirius had a little joke after Snape kept pestering us where you were going, so he... he decided to tell Snape to go to the Whomping Willow..."

No, I thought. No, no, no, no.

"He told me last night that he'd told Snape to go to the Whomping Willow because it would get him to shut up and was the quickest way to get rid of him. So, I went down to the Whomping Willow, and I got Snape out of the way before you could do anything... you didn't even touch him, I promise..."

I had to bite the inside of my cheek because if I didn't, I thought I would cry. If Sirius had wanted Snape gone so badly, why didn't he just whip out his wand and kill him himself? To learn that the guy I thought I'd loved was a murderer wouldn't have hurt as much as learning that he wanted to use me to do the dirty work for him.

Did he think of me as just a monster? Was that all I was in Sirius's eyes? A stupid, disgusting beast to kill someone for him?

"Remus?"

I looked back at James. I'd forgotten he was even there; I'd been so deep in my own thoughts.

"Um... what time is it?" I asked.

"Almost nine. The train's leaving in two hours," said James.

"Oh, yeah..." I said. I'd completely forgotten that today was the first day of the Christmas break.

"Are you OK?" James asked.

"Yeah, yeah," I said. And then, "Thank you for stopping me from killing Snape."

"It's OK," said James. "Do you want to... shall we go pack our bags?"

"Yep," I said, and we walked back towards the common room together. As we walked, my legs felt like jelly, and I thought I was going to throw up. I'd been so stupid to think that someone could see me as something other than a dangerous creature, let alone believe that he loved me like he said he had just last night. I was so stupid.

James and I walked into the dormitory, and Peter and Sirius were there, packing their own trunks. Sirius looked up when we walked in, and I just gave him a small smile and walked to my own bed to pack up the mess around it and pack it into my trunk.

I didn't want to hold a grudge against him and completely ignore him like a kid would do. I didn't want him to feel bad, because it was probably all my fault. If I hadn't been a werewolf this wouldn't have happened.

But part of me did feel annoyed at him. Not just annoyed. Mad. Angry. Furious. Snape knew what I was now, and he would tell the whole school. All this would happen because of Sirius.

So maybe it was partly his fault. No, it was completely his fault. I didn't even know what I was supposed to do now. I couldn't stay at the school if everyone was going to find out what I was. Parents wouldn't want their kids to be in the same school as a freak who had tried to kill a student, which was probably what Snape would go around and tell them all.

Sirius had just proved that I was a danger to the school, even if I didn't purposefully seek to kill people. If someone – like Sirius – abused the fact that he knew my secret by sending someone down to me so that I could kill them, then I was a danger.

I looked down at my bag, trying harder and harder to stay calm. At least I got to go home today. Tonight I'd be with my parents, and I could curl up in bed and stay there for two weeks before I had to deal with anyone at this school again.

I finished packing my trunk quickly, then left the dormitory, cursing Sirius, Snape, and myself. I took my trunk out to Hogsmeade Station and left it in the area where the House Elves would take them from to put them on the train, and then walked back into the castle. Since there were no classes today, breakfast would be going on until ten in the morning, and it was only quarter past nine, so if I wanted to eat, which I did, I'd be able to, but I didn't know what Snape had told people, and I didn't want to risk being cursed into oblivion.

Instead, I went to the bathroom and locked myself in a cubicle, because I didn't know anywhere else in the school where I wouldn't be found by anyone. I stayed there for over an hour, until ten minutes before eleven when I finally got up and went to the train. I sat in the compartment alone, but Sirius came in and joined me soon enough.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi, where are James and Peter?" I asked. I really didn't want to be alone with him right now.

"They're coming," said Sirius. "I just wanted to say I'm really sorry. About what happened with Snape. Just to let you know, he's been sworn to secrecy by Dumbledore."

Snape was still going to put me through shit. And that didn't take away from the fact that Sirius had quite literally tried to get me to kill someone else, which was literally my worst nightmare.

"I honestly didn't think he would go down there," Sirius continued. "It was just a joke; it was meant to be just a joke..."

"A joke?" I repeated, almost laughing. "That's your idea of a joke?"

"I'm sorry, Remus... I honestly didn't think he'd go down there."

"It's fine," I said. It wasn't fine. It wasn't fine at all. But what was the point of expressing my anger to Sirius? What was the point of showing him how upset I was over this?

The two of us sat in silence for a while then, until James and Peter finally came in, and James launched into a conversation about Lily, and I just grabbed a book from my bag and read for hours on end to shut out everything else in the world.

On the first morning of the Christmas Break, I received a letter from Sirius, but instead of reading it, I threw the unopened envelope into the fireplace out of impulse. I had no interest in reading whatever he had to say to me.

"Are you feeling any better?" Mum asked me, walking into the living room with her coffee. I'd told my parents I was sick last night as an excuse to go straight to bed.

"Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better," I said.

"That's great," she said. "Do you want a hot chocolate?"

"Yes please," I said, and she walked into the kitchen. I looked back at the fireplace. Any remains of the letter Sirius had sent me were gone.

It was hard to think about Sirius now. I would have rather caught him kissing some other guy. That would have hurt, but it would have been nothing compared to this. Because hurt was an understatement for how this felt. This felt like someone was slowly tearing my heart apart into a million pieces. It was heartbreak at its finest. Betrayal.

What made it worse was the fact that he'd told me he loved me and tried to turn me into even more of a murderer on the same night. And I'd said I loved him. I regretted saying that more than anything now. How could I still love him now, after he'd so clearly shown that he didn't love me in the slightest?

Mum walked back into the living room then, interrupting my thoughts and handing me a mug of hot chocolate.

"So," she said, sitting down next to me, "how is fifth year going so far?"

"Oh yeah, good," I said, taking a sip.

"And how is it going being a prefect?" she asked. "A lot of responsibility?"

"Yeah, I suppose," I said.

"Are you alright, Remus?" Mum asked. "You seem a little down."

"I'm fine," I said, forcing a smile. "You know, I have this essay due at the end of the break, I might go and get it over and done with now."

"Oh, yeah, of course," said Mum. "It'd be a good idea to get it out of the way. I'll be here if you need me, and Dad should be home from his meeting in an hour if you need him."

"OK," I said, standing up and walking to my room. I grabbed a piece of parchment, a quill, and a bottle of ink, then sat with them on my bed.

Dear Sirius,

I think you are a complete and utter fuckwit. If it was your idea of a joke to try and get someone killed, and not only that, trying to get me to get that someone killed for you, then I think there's something seriously wrong with you.

If it was your idea of a joke to prove that you see me as nothing more than a tool for murder, then I think you are a horrible person. I hate Snape too, but I didn't want him dead, especially not by my own hands. And at least Snape didn't pretend to be my friend and certainly didn't pretend to like me as more than friends, and certainly to fuck didn't tell me he's in love with me.

So, piss off.

Thanks so much,

Remus John Lupin.

I scrunched up the parchment and threw it across my room, then lay down on my bed. I wanted to sleep again, but this time I didn't want to wake up. I just wanted to die.

I received another letter from Sirius the next morning, and I threw it into the fireplace along with the letter I'd written the previous morning.

"Well, I was thinking we could maybe go for a walk into town today, but the fog is saying otherwise," said Dad as I walked into the kitchen for breakfast after burning the letters.

"Yeah," I said, pouring myself a bowl of cereal and looking out the window at the thick fog outside.

I ate my cereal, then went into my room and closed the door, collapsing in my bed. I'd barely done anything for days, yet I felt exhausted.

"He's being a bit moody this break, don't you think?" I heard my dad say softly outside.

"He's a teenager, it's what they all do, isn't it?" I heard mum saying. I just rolled over in bed and yet again went to sleep.

So sorry for missing two updates, will be back on track now!