The next morning started like any other since everything changed. Sirius walked down the stairs to the common room still half asleep. Lily was cuddled up with James whispering in his ear. Sirius never realized that being a dog animagus had the side effect of having really good hearing. With a hall full of students it didn't help much, he just ignored it. In an empty room, less than 7 feet away, he heard everything like it was being whispered in his ear.
" It's times like this I wish, I came back in fifth year or later." Lily whispered seductively in James's ear. "But, I guess I will just have wait for us to grow up more. You were so good with your tongue when we started dating. You explained it was something to do with salt licks. So, do me a favor..." she gave his ear a nibble, "go get some salt blocks and go out to the forbidden forest and get practicing. And talk to a centaur, so they don't try to kill you for supper. And future you said that Ronan showed you some interesting things about hip movements."
"Lily, can you guys put up a silencing charms? My dog form apparently gives me good hearing." Sirius whined.
"I put up that silencing charm your cousin did for the meeting." Lily replied.
"Those are Black wards, they don't block the black heir..." Sirius whined more.
Lily paled...
"Oh and for some reason I think I need to meet with you and Andromeda." Sirius stated with confusion.
"Yeah, I think we do need a meeting." she looked up a little confusion, " And, I can't remember why? But, for some reason, I think Andromeda is going to very angry by the end of the day. And I don't know why!" Lily finished.
"Let's go. The sooner we get started the sooner we can get this over with." Sirius stated.
They walked off together, leaving a frustrated James.
"I guess I am going to the forest to learn from a centaur about how to please girls."
James started, " Now, I wonder how am I going to negotiate for tutoring from a centaur? Well, maybe Hagrid can introduce me, and can give me some hints on what I can offer in trade? I hope the me from that timeline didn't do something I will regret... But if he explained where he learned it to Lily maybe it wasn't to bad. Oh, and I guess I need to go ask an elf for a salt block."
Sirius and Lily started walking around randomly.
"So, where are we going to meet Andromeda?" Lily asked.
"No idea, but if she is under a Black ward and I am thinking about finding her while walking, my magic will guide me." Sirius explained.
"How does that make any sense at all? Magic doesn't work like that..." Sirius put his arm on her shoulder. "What are you doing? You wouldn't make a move on me, you wouldn't even give any kind of impression bystanders. So why are you putting your arm on me?"
"To get you through the wards." Sirius explained.
"Why do you..."Lily started.
"TTTTEEEEDDD." came a voice from the other side of the door.
"I saw the wards flicked." Sirius explained.
"Did she just?..." Lily trailed off.
"Have loud and sweaty sex with her husband? yes." Sirius stated.
"They got married, When?"
"Around the same time Remus and Severus got engaged to my other cousins."
"You have been busy!" Lily gogled.
"All I did was try to set up a few meetings, went for a walk. Ran into my cousins...individually and signed the contracts that Bella told me I could. Got a girlfriend and kept running into my cousins in what I thought were compromising positions. Found out that I volunteered Severus and Remus to help with a health issue. By talking to them, and you threatening Narcissa and claiming James.
Then talking to grandpa, and you saw how that went... And I'll just say that he is more terrifying then you know. And I think more?" Sirius related.
Andromeda walked out of the room, turned, and sighed.
"At least you didn't ruin the moment this time." Andromeda declared.
"You got the right clothes this time." Sirius observed.
"His clothes are MY clothes." Andromeda deadpanned.
"Are your clothes his clothes too? Sirius joked.
"Nope. The husband just keeps trying to get a wife out of her clothes. Or into specific ones." Lily explained.
"Walk in on the parents did you?" Andromeda said with cheek.
Lily froze.
"Let's go to that classroom. We need to have a meeting anyway." Sirius reminded.
They walked into the classroom across from the one Andromeda had just walked out.
Closing the door, They began putting up privacy wards. They didn't have to put up too many. "Good job, Andy." Sirius said proudly. "I only had to block out Ted."
"So what is this about?" Andromeda began.
"Umm." Lily was nervous.
" Lily's soul got sent here from the future." Sirius rapidly spit out.
"Sirius..." Andromeda whined, " You ruined the game." she pouted.
"Lily wouldn't have made it long enough to be fun." Sirius explained.
"Oh, I came back too. My experience was weird though. I came back to a certain age. And then random people were randomly younger then they should be. So I started trying to... well I potioned my sisters. Some of the teachers started helping after I wrote them. And she had a couple of incidents." Andromeda laid out.
"How did you come back? And from when?" Lily begged.
"Um... When did you come back from? Andromeda shot back.
Lily looked sad. " I saw my son's life until he walked up to Voldemort and let himself get AK'd, And then he had a weird meeting involving Dumbledore's spirit, then the spirit of Sirius Jumped out Beat Dumbledore. Then Sirius said he could have done better,
Harry dared him to do it, then wam bam here I am."
"I had just heard my Daughter and Psycho sister died. And Narcissa went crazy from losing her husband and son. I saw a bright light then heard a Voice say, "Stupid double dog dares...You are smart. Change things. There are going to be side effects. Good luck."
"So since I got back, I threatened your sister when I heard her talk about how hot James was and her and the group started giggling about doing things with James. So I snapped. Then I told the Marauders, and started dating James. And everything was so different." Lily related.
"So what do we do now?" Sirius asked.
"I have messed with so much." Andromeda related. "I have been busy. At least I managed to get with Ted. I have been writing back and forth with Arcturus. Oh, I also, got my sisters off the path to voldy."
"What do we do about Peter? He hasn't done anything wrong yet." Lily asked.
Andromeda looked at her like she was missing something obvious. " he is a thirteen year old boy, either have a girl catch his interest or a boy if that's his flavor."
"um, how?" Sirius asked.
"Well, Ted says your girlfriend has quite a following in Hufflepuff." Andromeda mentioned. "Just ask her to help."
"What about Voldemort? The Horocruxes? And Dumbledore's dumb plans?"
"Dumbledore makes overly complex plans that take years to achieve what can be done faster if you have an easier way." Andy answered. "Who can we get in and out of Voldemort's hideout without being noticed? We can make a spy but that would take forever."
"In my future, Dobby could have helped." Lily replied sadly.
"Dobby?" Sirius asked.
POP
An elf appeared. "New little Master Sirius Blacky called Dobby?"
"Dobby!" Lily cried and ran over to him and hugged him.
"Lily, Dobby probably doesn't know about
you." Andromeda explained. "Um... Dobby do you know anything about a possible future?"
Dobby shuffled his feet nervously. "Dobby remembers about Being FREE from bad master, working at Hoggywartys and talking and helping The Great and Powerful Mister Harry Potter. Dobby got stabbed by Crazy Evil Missy Bellytrixie, But she isn't like that now. And Harry Potter said Dobby was his friend." He sniffled, "And the both bad Masters Malfoys died this time and differently. Oh, and I switched THE Noseless Voldywankers BAD magic thingys with fakies that he couldn't tells. Oh and Dobby is now a Blacky family elf!" He finished with pride."Dobby will serve Harry Potter's doggyfather."
"Why did you call him that?And me a 'doggyfather'?" Sirius said while rolling laughing.
"The Great..."
"Just call him Harry, Dobby. Keep it simple."
"Harry... had said that fear of a name was silly and that you was his doggyfathers."
"You mean Godfather." Sirius clarified.
"Dobby says what Dobby means." Dobby stated.
"Why?" Sirius whined.
"The not Master Sirius from the future, could turn intos a doggy, and hes was Harry Potter's Godfather who messes upd by lettings the rickety old codger send Harry Potter to the bads Dursleys and then gots himself locks up in Asky Bahn and afters getting frees, he got Harry Potter's hopes up and then Gets himself thrown thrus an arch and dies leaving Harry Potter withs the bad Dursleys." Dobby huffed.
Andromeda had to interupt, " You have the Horocruxes? Does anyone know how to destroy them? And is that all of them?"
Dobby replied quickly, " Dobby has found The locket, the ring, the cup and the book! Dobby died before learning about the last."
Dobby started to reach for his ears.
Lily quickly spoke, "Somebody order him not to punish himself."
"Dobby I order you not to punish yourself!" Sirius ordered.
Dobby stopped reaching for his ears. "But Dobby does not know where the last is!"
Lily got an evil grin, "The last is the diadem of Ravenclaw, and it's in the room of requirement, or as Dobby would know it 'The Come and Go room' specifically the Room of hidden things. Don't touch it with your bare skin and don't listen to it."
Dobby popped out for 30 seconds then popped back with the object on a pillow.
"Here it is." Dobby threw it down, snapped his finger and then looked back.
"Dobby don't know hows to destroy them." Dobby states.
"So how do we destroy them?" Sirius asked.
"Basilisk venom, Fiendfire, and killing curse if it is living." Lily recites.
"Fiendfyre," Andromeda incanted at the pile of objects. The objects screamed. The two humans jumped back, and Dobby popped to the otherside of the room.
"ANDROMEDA, WARN PEOPLE WHEN YOU USE CURSED FLAMES NEAR THEM." SIRIUS SCREAMED.
"I have known how to control that since I was 5, the first time. And I only used a small flame. And it's already out!" Andromeda pointed out.
Lily blinked. "What do we do now?"
"I've got this." Andromeda replied.
She wrote a quick note in front of everybody.
Lord Arcturus,
The half-blooded bastard of the Gaunts is mortal. This house elf is special, give him to Sirius. Sirius called a meeting when these objects were brought to him when we asked for them. I destroyed them with Fiendfire.
Good Hunting.
Andromeda.
"Dobby please deliver this." Andromeda asked.
POP
"Okay, so we just set up Voldemort to die bloody." Sirius stated.
"So how long did it take from the time you came back Lily?"
"Since last Tuesday, so Six days." Lily deadpanned.
"Okay so I need to find my girlfriend. And it's lunchtime, so I can meet her there." Sirius declared.
They went to the Great Hall, and Sirius headed to the Hufflepuff table.
"Hey Amy can I join you for lunch?" Sirius asked.
"Sure, I'd love you too." Amy replied.
They ate and talked about random things.
Finally Sirius asked, "Amy, I heard you have a bit of pull with Hufflepuff... and I was wondering if you knew anyone that could give Peter a chance and take him by the hand and guide him a bit?" Sirius asked in a whisper.
Amy looked down the table. She spoke to the nearest one. "A meeting of every Hufflepuff witch that is single. It should only take A minute or two."
"Yes, Madam Bones." The seventh year declared.
Amy grabbed Sirius's Arm and dragged him off. They walked around the school for a few minutes talking about running around. They finally arrived at the Hufflepuff Common Room.
As she walked in the room of girls snapped to attention. "All Assembled, Madam Bones." The front girl stated.
Ted Tonks walked down the stairs.
"Tonks!" Amy snapped out.
" Yes Madam Bones!" He sounded off.
"Go bang your wife, I want to be a godmother soon." She ordered.
"Yes, ma'am." He said before racing off.
"Godmother?"
"Later." she replied in a whisper.
"Ladies, I need a Volunteer to take Peter Pettigrew, Teach him about true loyalty and make him your's! Who wants this challenge of hard work, loyalty, and dedication?"
"I will do it, I have seen him from a distance, he's cute and funny sometimes."
"Okay, Hestia, go get your man!" she ordered.
Hestia Jones ran out the door.
"The rest of you, homework and study. I want Hufflepuff in at least 2nd place on the education board. Let's give those Ravens a run for the money. You third years may have been stuck with the marauders, Severus Snape, and Lily Evans to compare scores with but the other six years can do it. And if we work at it we can still beat the averages even in 3rd year. WHAT ARE WE?"
"BADGERS" Came the reply.
"WHAT ARE WE?" Bones asked.
"LOYAL AND HARD WORKING!" Came the reply.
"WHAT CAN BEAT US?" she asked.
"NOTHING, IF YOU TAKE ON ONE HUFFLEPUFF, YOU TAKE ON ALL OF US!" Was declared.
"AND WHAT DO WE SAY?" she asked.
"ALL FOR ONE, ONE FOR ALL, AND HUFFLEPUFF STICK TOGETHER! BADGERS TOGETHER!" The Hufflepuffs finished.
"Dismissed." she finished." See how easy it is to get things done with teamwork. Now come with me, We should celebrate you deserve it."
"Where are we gonna go?" Sirius asked.
"To a special room!" Amy declared.
Arriving outside the room, Amy found it locked. "I guess we can't use the special room" Amy pouted.
"Let's go over to that one." Sirius responded.
"Oh and Lord Arcturus sent this, can you pass it to your head of house." Sirius finished, handing her a contract."He also sent you a letter."
Amy read it quickly. She looked over at Sirius, "Do you know what the note said?"She asked.
"Um... No, Lord Arcturus just sent the contact and the letter with a very short missive that said, 'Give these to that girl that you are attempting to court.' Why what does it say?"
"It says, 'Please inform the head of your house, If they want something else from this contract, let me know upfront so we can get this done quickly. My Heir has done some great things since he has been spending time with you. I want to see what he will could accomplish with you by his side. Oh, and if he starts to rushing into things without thinking it through again you have my permission to punish him however you see fit, so long as you don't damage his ability to continue the line.' It then says all rewards and punishments are to go through me after the contracts are signed." Amy detailed.
"Oh, do you want to 'punish' me?" Sirius joked.
"No, you get a reward today." Amy reminded him.
They entered the classroom and she faced him.
Outside the room.
Bellatrix walked out of the privacy room followed by a tired Severus.
As soon as they crossed the threshold, Severus blinked and looked confused. " "What did we just finished doing? All I know is I enjoyed myself, you enjoyed yourself and there is a lock on my memories saying, 'Age restriction lock, can only be opened at age of consent or marriage.' Did you block my memories of what we just did?"
Bella stared him in the eyes, "No, I didn't! Let me see that, legimens."
A moment later she screamed in frustration.
"Someone locked your memories of us... mumble mumble."
"We did what?" Sev asked.
"Mumble mumble while I mumble mumbled mumble." Bella replied.
"Can you share the memory because everything you try to say it it comes out with variations of the word mumble?" Severus requested.
"Do it." she shot back.
"Legimens!" Severus incanted. A moment later. "It says locked by an age Fidelious."
"Oh that tricky bastard!" Bellatrix seethed.
"You are still willing to go into the room whenever I want right?" She whined.
"Of course, I might not remember what we do in there, but you do, and you enjoy it." Severus soothed.
"Hey, there is a note addressed to you, Bella love, or I think it is for you. It says to Trixie Black."
"Open it!" She demanded.
Severus tried to open it anyway he could.
" Oh give it here!" She then grabbed the note and it opened. " Now, what does it say?" she asked handing it back.
"Squigles." Severus replied.
"What?"
"The word Squigles, repeated over and over."
She grabbed the note. And read it.
Hey Trixie,
I just wanted you to know, he will remember everything you did and taught him when you return to the room. But only in the room with the door shut. Well, until he gets old enough.
Have fun till then. Oh and You don't keep anything but the memories when you leave the room. And I put a chastity charm on the young Severus. Have fun!
PK.
ps, that means no babies until he's 17 and graduated or you are married and out of the castle.
Bellatrix spun her wand and cast detection charms on herself. Perfectly normal, nothing out of place, everything the same as her last diagnostic. Then she paled. No new fluids. And then she saw the information that threatened to send her into a rage. Hymen intact. Every time she left the room, her body became a virgin again.
She tried to scream out. But she couldn't remember the name or title of the one who did this. He stopped her ability to break the fourth wall. And she knew deep down, this person had out maneuvered her in this. And what's worse, her hymen would be back every time she left the room. Bella was livid. She had broken hers during a rough flight just before first year, now it was back.
"He He, those are nice." Came a young male voice from behind the closed door.
"And IF you want to keep seeing them, and maybe touching them and more later. You will make sure you don't make me upset. Your punishments will be the loss of booby privileges. Do you understand?" A firm voice of a young female.
"No! Please don't take them away." the male begged.
"They can't be that good she sounds like a second year. Don't get obsessed before she actually grows something." Bella snapped out towards the door.
"Bellatrix?" The male voice asked.
"your cousin?" the female tried to clarify.
The door opened, and Bellatrix was pulled inside.
Severus, alone in the hall, stared at the door.
"Sirius! And aren't you his little girl friend, May buns or something?" Bella asked
" I am Amelia Bones of the ancient house of Bones. And I believe you said something about actually growing something. Look now. Does it look like I haven't grown anything?" the girl raged.
"Hehe..." Sirius giggled.
"Did some one hit you with an engorgement charm? Those couldn't have grown naturally!" Bellatrix declared.
"No charms or potions, you can check yourself!" Amelia snapped.
"Finite. oops." came from Bellatrix.
"The bra does have a sticking charm to keep it closed." Amelia seethed. "I expected a diagnostic charm not a finite!"
"Wow, it opens in the front. I... Have... Never... Seen...such...a...Wonderful...Sight."
"Now, how am I gonna fix the rewards program? I had the rewards in an order. Show him in bra, touch over the clothes for 5 second and longer as he works up, over bra touching, shirt off, with bra. Then, a flash of them without bra. You skipped all that build up. He was going to be begging until the end of next year before he got to see the nips. You screwed it all up!" Amy raged.
"Why didn't you have wards up?" Bella asked.
"Sirius, you put wards up, I watched you."
"I did, they go down to the other side of the doors to the rooms beside this one." Sirius responded.
"Black wards?" Bella inquired.
"Yes, but it should have kept even you out." Sirius stated.
"Um, Sirius, She might have been in the room across from us. And didn't exit until after you put up the wards."
"Oh!" Came the dual responses of the cousins.
"Bellatrix, you messed up my whole timeline for this relationship. I had it planned out down to taking each others virginity on our wedding night on my 17th birthday. The cut off on August 15th always annoyed me. My birthday is the 16th did they have to do that? But know my schedule is broken." Amy pouted.
"Just keep the old schedule." Bellatrix suggested.
"You don't understand the rewards and punishments method I just laid out to him... The rewards are progressive, and the punishment regressive. Once he gets a reward it is unlocked and on the menu until he screws up and loses that reward. I gave him the self updating menu. And you just unlocked the first half of it with that spell. I made it like a contract so neither of us could push things too far with punishments or rewards. Now, unless he screws up repeatedly and fails everything, I won't be a virgin bride. I even acounted for his pranking tendency. Do you know how much I worked on this with the fourth through seventh year puff girls. We have been working on this since the start of my first year. Why do you think No one tried asking him to Hogsmede? I staked my claim and explained my plan my first night. I had to take over Hufflepuff to ensure that the other puffs would keep the hussies from other houses didn't try to make a move."
"Why weren't you in Slytherin? Your ambitions and cunning planning would have made you a shoe in?" Bella Asked.
"My hard work and loyalty to my goals, ensured my place in Hufflepuff! Plus I would have probably had to cull your house to ensure someone wouldn't try to Usurp my plans for themselves. The hat could see that there wouldn't be excessive bloodshed if I got into Hufflepuff." Amy explained. " I already had to make my opening moves now, before the Yule holidays, instead of right before the train left at the end of the school year because of you and your sisters betrothals. Why do you think the plan had us married on my 17th birthday instead of after he graduated? Now, I have to have everyone go through the timelines and see where we stand." Amelia huffed.
"I will obey all your wishes, Amy." Sirius declared honestly. "I will dedicate my self to putting in all the work to ensure I don't mess this up."
"Now look at him, he might straighten up on his own without punishments. This is going to end up with me shagging him before I am 15 and a mom after owls."
"You can always slow it down yourself." Bella tried to suggest. "The flash wasn't a reward, it was an accident."
"Show her the rewards list..." Amelia stated.
"what does this fine print state... 'If rewards are unlocked due to outside interference and actions, not caused by the couple or Sirius's friends: The marauders, Lily Evans or their girlfriends or by Lily Evans's roommates. then the rewards shall be considered unlocked to that point and cannot be unjustly removed without due cause.' Why does this read like a law proposal?" Bellatrix whined.
"Because, I plan to become an Auror. It is part of my goal to become the head of the DMLE and maybe become Minister after I Fix the DMLE and ensure they help root out the corruption in the rest of the Ministry." Amelia explained. "I was going to be Madam Bones, the first female head and youngest head of the DMLE. And If I got Sirius I would be Madam Black."
"Does this say..." Bellatrix began.
"Stop. Sirius can only read the rewards he has unlocked and the one he can unlock next. Don't mention anything else. He knows that shagging is on there, but nothing else. Knowledge of it may unknowingly unlock it." Amelia interupted.
"So, this all hinged on Sirius not asking someone else to help him unlock something?" Bellatrix clarified.
"Sirius and those mentioned can't even vaguely suggest it to someone indirectly without it punishing him." Amelia stated.
"That was oddly well thought out." Bellatrix replied.
"Well, forgive me for not expecting his cousin to remove a spell on my bra while I was defending my femininity!" Amelia growled.
"Oh, Great because of his dedication it unlocked another reward. Thanks Bellatrix."
"I am just going to leave before things go further of the rails." Bellatrix replied.
She walked out and rejoined Severus.
They began to walk away, "So what was the big secret she didn't want accidently revealed."
Bellatrix just giggled. "Nope, not going to say."
"Why?" Severus asked
"Something is telling me that it would make the queen of the puffs very angry with me." Bellatrix stated knowingly.
"How angry?" Severus asked.
"Very!" She said firmly. "I am not going to tell anyone because Sirius might hear it."
Authors end note:
Everything after the * was replaced after Bellatrix whispered the answer in Severus's ear and Sirius hearing it. He doesn't pay attention to what everyone says. It is like background noise. But you still can randomly pick up words of conversations. It's like that.
Just so you don't have to guess what Amelia's response was. I will include it. I just didn't want Sirius to have the whole menu without working for it. The Item was last before losing virginity together.
here is Amelia's response.
"DAMN IT, BELLA. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ONE DAMN JOB, DON'T MENTION THE LIST AND WHAT'S ON IT (ORIGINALLY IT SAID THE ACT ) WHERE A DOG ANIMAGUS WITH HIGHTENED HEARING CAN POSSIBLY HEAR YOU!"
I almost said that she would have been 'butt hurt' after her telling Severus. And that is as much of a hint as you are going to get.
Trixie is annoyed with me enough.
Please read and review. Is the story funny and witty? It is AU and the characters are OOC.
So next chapter the teachers recover.
A week off because Andromeda poured a messed up potion into the teachers pumpkin juice instead of the to dispose cauldron. In her defense they were beside each other.
Oh and Dobby's way of speaking is hard to type up. I originally had him say dogfather instead but thought Dobby could make fun of him more by saying doggyfather. Plus having Dobby explain where Sirius messed up would really bring it home to Sirius.
Ta ta for now.
Phoenix K