CW: Negative thoughts and mentions of abuse

The Christmas of 1975 was probably the worst Christmas of my life, or at least that's what I thought at the time.

On the days leading up to Christmas day, I received a letter from Sirius every day, and every day I burned the unopened envelope. I knew I was being dramatic, but it felt satisfying to watch something he had touched slowly burn, just like he'd (figuratively) burned the trust I had in him.

On Christmas Eve, I caught a muggle bus to a shopping centre in London to buy Christmas presents for my parents. I tried to focus on thoughts of them, and what they might want, and what I could afford with the two pounds they'd given me, but all that was so hard to concentrate on when all I could think about was Sirius and Snape and what had happened at the end of term.

I ended up buying a packet of chocolate each for my parents, then bought myself a sushi roll and a chocolate milkshake for lunch with the money that was left over.

On Christmas day, my dad's brother, his wife, and my cousins, Daniel and Lisa, visited my parents and I for lunch. They all lived in America, so I barely ever saw them and hadn't seen them at all since Pops's funeral over two years ago.

The entire time, Daniel wouldn't shut up about the fact that it was his seventeenth birthday in just a few weeks, and he would be of age, and Lisa wouldn't shut up about how she thought it was a stupid idea to be in England for Christmas because of the war.

After lunch, the adults went into the kitchen to have a few drinks, so Daniel, Lisa, and I were left to entertain ourselves. Thankfully, Lisa broke the awkwardness by announcing she'd gotten Exploding Snap cards as a Christmas gift that morning, and the three of us sat around the fireplace and played that.

"I'm going to get some water," said Daniel, standing up after winning the first round. "You two can play without me for a minute. Ugh, I can't wait until I'm seventeen and can just whip out my wand to get myself a glass of water."

"He thinks he's so mature," said Lisa, rolling her eyes. "He's not that much older than you. When are you turning sixteen?"

"March," I said, shuffling the cards.

"Oh, OK," said Lisa. "I'll be fifteen in June."

"Cool," I said, not sure what the point of this conversation was.

"Who's Sirius Black?" Daniel asked, walking back into the living room.

"What?" I said sharply, looking up at him.

"There's a letter out there for you from someone called Sirius Black," said Daniel, shrugging.

"Did you... read it?" I asked, standing up.

"No, I just looked at the envelope," said Daniel. "God, I didn't even touch it. Why, is he sending you secret messages?"

"No, no, he's just a friend from Hogwarts," I said, speed-walking into the kitchen and grabbing the envelope. I walked back into the living room and threw it into the fireplace. "At least he used to be my friend."

"Ooh, what happened?" Lisa asked. "Why aren't you friends anymore?"

"I dunno," I said. I didn't want to explain the situation to anyone. And my cousins didn't even know that I was a werewolf. "Anyway, how's Ilvermorny?"

"Better than Hogwarts, as always," said Daniel. I just laughed, glad for something to focus on other than thoughts of Sirius's 'joke'.

My aunt, uncle, Daniel, and Lisa all left to go back to America on Boxing Day, and just like that, my small distraction was gone. Over the next few days, Sirius's letters became more and more frequent, and I burnt all of them, wishing he'd just shut the hell up.

On the last day of the Christmas break, New Year's Eve, however, my dad walked into the living room just before I dropped an envelope into the fireplace.

"What are you putting in the fire?" he asked.

"Just... just some paper," I said. I didn't want to explain the situation to my parents. I didn't think they'd understand, and maybe they'd be able to tell that I was heartbroken, therefore being able to tell that Sirius and I were... were...

"Why are you randomly throwing paper into the fireplace?" Dad asked.

"Um, I dunno..." I said.

"What is it?" he asked, walking over to me.

"Um, just a letter..." I said, holding the letter out and feeling stupid. My dad took the envelope and read the back.

"It's from Sirius?" he said, a crease forming between his eyebrows. "Isn't he one of your best friends? Why are you..."

"Yeah, we had a bit of a falling out..." I said.

"Oh, really?" said Dad, his tone changing to one of concern. "When did that happen?"

"End of term," I said.

"Oh... I'm so sorry. Are you still getting along with James and Peter?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said, shrugging because I didn't want to talk or think about what had happened. "It's alright. It doesn't really matter."

On the first day of 1976, I had to return to school, and I felt sick all morning. I didn't want to go to school at all, however much I loved Hogwarts. But going to school meant seeing Sirius, and I didn't want to see Sirius. I was too pissed off at him, and I didn't want to be angry at him on the train, where anyone could just listen in to our conversation. I wanted to talk to him alone and try to keep myself calm.

Dad apparated with my mum and I to just outside Kings Cross Station at 10:30 in the morning, and as we walked to the station, I tried to plan what I was going to say.

'Hey, Sirius, I really didn't appreciate what you did last term. I'm sorry for ignoring you for the entire break, but I wanted to speak to you in person. What you did was incredibly stupid, and I can't believe you'd do that, now Snape knows what I am.

'It also really hurt my feelings and made me cry and broke my heart that you don't accept me for what I am, and you just see me as a monster...'

I knew I wasn't going to say any of that to Sirius, especially not the second part. As if I'd let him know he'd literally caused me to sob like a baby.

We soon came into Kings Cross Station, then ran through the barrier. Once we were on Platform nine and three quarters, I took in a deep breath, said goodbye to my parents, then slowly walked onto the train.

Everyone knows what you are, Sirius sees you as nothing but a tool to get someone hurt, Snape is going to kill you...

I didn't even realise I was in the compartment until I was sitting down. I felt dizzy.

I looked out into the hall of the train. There were a billion students, but no sign of the marauders yet. I turned my head and looked out the window. There were another billion students on the platform, but still no sign of the marauders.

The door of the compartment opened, and I jumped. It was James and Sirius. Where had they come from?

"Remus!" James cried, grinning. "How are you? How was your Christmas?"

"Er, yeah, good," I said, looking at Sirius. He caught me looking and smiled at me.

"Hey Moony," he said. "Are you doing alright?"

So casual, I thought. Are you just acting like nothing happened last term? Like we're still just hiding a relationship, acting like friends in front of everyone?

"Oh, I'm great," I said dryly. Sirius's smile faltered. "You?"

"Did you read any of my letters?" Sirius asked.

"No, I burned them all," I said.

Oh my god, you're really going in like that? hissed a voice inside my head.

"Oh," said Sirius. There was a break in his voice as he said it. "So, you're... mad at me?"

"Um, did you expect me to not be?" I asked, trying to keep my tone neutral.

"Sorry," Sirius said quietly. "I really am sorry."

"Well, um, Remus," said James, "something happened over break... Sirius was trying to tell you in his later letters, but if you didn't read them, I suppose you don't know..."

"What happened, then?" I asked.

"Sirius, are you alright?" came a voice from the door of the compartment. It was Peter. "I was so worried... are you OK now?"

"Yeah, thanks Peter," said Sirius.

"What happened?" I asked again.

"Oh, I... I ran away from home for good," said Sirius. "Never going back."

"What? Where did you go?"

"He came to mine," said James.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did!" Sirius cried.

"Not you, you," I said to James. "I would have read a letter if you sent it!"

"I wanted to tell you myself," said Sirius. "I got really badly hurt, worse than they'd ever hurt me, that's why I ran away..."

So now I was expected to be sympathetic towards Sirius. And that's what I did. I spent the train ride making sure he was OK. It turned out all the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord himself had come to Sirius's house for his initiation to become a Death Eater since Sirius was now sixteen.

When he'd refused, they'd all tortured him for hours, including the Dark Lord, and eventually, he'd managed to run out of the house and take the Knight Bus to the Potters' home.

Although I felt awful for him, this didn't take away from what Sirius had done. I felt selfish thinking it, but however much he was suffering, he'd still hurt me, and I didn't want to forgive him for what he'd done just because he'd gone through something so much worse than what he'd put me through.

But of course, now I had to show him sympathy, and be a good friend because of what he went through during the break, however much my heart still felt like it was tearing into pieces because of him.