TW: Lewis Conversation

Let me start out by saying that there's so many routes that I'd love for this conversation to go but sadly I could only pick one. I hope it satisfies.

Side note: Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments, they truly keep me going. I'm glad there are people enjoying this crazy stuff that comes out my mind.

Happy reading!

Denying her from using sounded like the noble thing to do at the time but now, as he sat on the cold tile of his bathroom floor with Olivia's limp body in his arms, her shivering and convulsing every few moments, he wasn't so sure. It had started with a headache, which seemed innocent enough, until the aching soon radiated to every part of her body.

"Elliot." She whimpered. "I need to-"

He swiftly lifted her upper torso and pushed her head over the toilet for her just in time. Grimacing, he held her hair back as she violently heaved into it. Her stomach has been long since empty and yet her body was still forcing her to expel everything, which at this point was a mix of bile and blood as her esophagus was simply too raw to keep doing this.

Groaning, Olivia raised her arms to hug the white porcelain bowl, granting Elliot some relief from having to hold her up.

"Talk to me." She pleaded, groggily. "Distract me. Please."

Elliot leaned back against the vanity, sighing, wracking his brain for something lighthearted. Nothing in particular came to mind as his life too was far from being perfect at the moment, but surely he could manage something.

"Eli misses you." He was able to land on. "He kept asking about you while we were in Italy. Almost as much as he asked about his siblings."

She smiled at the mention of the youngest Stabler, quickly taking a trip down memory lane. The last time she saw him was at his fourth birthday party. An excitable little boy with blonde curls and bright blue eyes like his father. He had repeatedly asked Olivia to play airplane as she was the best at making propeller sounds and turning him upside down. God, she loved that kid.

"How big is he now?"

"It's been a minute since I've seen him but he's a tall kid. Seven years old and nearly up to my chest. Loves playing soccer and he's definitely cut out for it with those long legs of his." Elliot beamed, as he tended to do when talking about his children.

"Mmm…ahhh" Olivia groaned as a stomach cramp rolled through her. "He sounds perfect, El. I wish I could see him."

"Soon. He'll be coming to New York in another month or so for the holidays, he'd be thrilled to pay you a visit."

She tried to bite her tongue, but couldn't help herself.

"Will Kathy be ok with that?"

At the mention of his soon-to-be ex-wife's name, his jaw clenched.

"I don't really care, Liv. It's not up to her, he's my son too."

Olivia halted for a moment, studying his appearance. His brow was furrowed and his face was pulled into a scowl. His neck muscles strained as he cracked his neck and played with his bare ring finger.

"I can see this is a sore subject, but I think it's only fair that I'm not the only uncomfortable one here." She quipped, as she adjusted herself on the hard tile. Her wise crack earned a faint grin from the man across from her.

"What happened, Elliot? Why are you guys separating?"

"Divorcing." He corrected. "And it's…long and complicated."

"I'll take a condensed version."

"Ok. Condensed version is that she accused me of cheating on her…which led to her giving me an ultimatum of either retiring from NYPD and taking the private sector job or getting a divorce. I chose Italy. We were somewhat happy for about a year and then I began checking out of our marriage. I was…heavily depressed, missing our other kids, missing New York…when Organized Crime offered me a position I took it, and she took the opportunity to leave me. That's about it."

"Wait a- wait, wait a minute," Olivia slurred as her brain fogged up a bit. "She thought you cheated? With who?"

"You." He responded, plainly.

"Me? How…why did she think that?"

"Why wouldn't she? After Jenna, I struggled. Desperately wanting to call you, but knowing that if I heard your voice I'd come running back to that precinct where I just couldn't…I couldn't be there. She must've saw me hover over your name on my phone a thousand times. Rereading old messages, listening to your old voicemails. I missed you, Liv. It was obvious."

"Not to me. You never returned any of my calls, Elliot. You're…you were my partner. My best fucking friend for over a decade, I…I missed you." She confessed, feeling very much vulnerable. "I needed you."

"Olivia, I just thought…I was tired of fucking up your career. Every time I went off the handle or mismanaged a situation you paid the price. You did so well without me. I mean look at you, you're a Lieutenant. You're in charge of the 16th precinct. I know your current situation is not ideal but we'll get you back to being badass Benson in no time."

"I'm not…" She paused, a shiver coursing through her. "I'm not who I used to be."

"I know, but that's just for now."

"No, Elliot. Not just for now. I've changed because…circumstances out of my control." She struggled to get out through the fog. "I will never, ever be the woman you knew."

"Liv, come on. We'll get you into rehab-"

"I was assaulted, Elliot."

His mouth snapped shut, his eyes searching hers for some sort of sign that this was a "gotcha" moment. His heart nearly stopping when he realized that moment wasn't coming.

"What…Olivia…what are you-"

"It was a little over a year ago." She started, resting her head on her forearm, keeping herself propped up on the toilet. "Probably one of the worst cases we've ever gotten. Serial rapist. Sadist. Loved to spend time with his victims before he…anyway, we thought we had him. But this guy, he was just so…slippery. Somehow managed to avoid being convicted every time."

Olivia kept her eyes trained on his watching as curiosity, fear, and concern flashed across his baby blue irises. This was not how she expected to tell him; coming down off of opiates, beaten to a bloody pulp and having been recently fucked by a member of the Russian mob. Hell, she didn't even know if she would see him again. But now here he was…and she's realizing that she has been holding onto this pain solo for too goddamn long.

"He took a fascination to me once we started our case. I was hell bent on nailing his ass to the wall and he was up for the challenge. Yet once again he fell through the cracks."

"Who the fuck was your ADA?" Elliot inquired irritably.

"Rafa-Rafael Barba." She corrected herself. "But that's neither here nor there. This guy was not only Teflon but he was fucking his defense attorney."

"He was released?"

"Yeah. On bail." She clarified, tonguing her lip ring. "That's how he got to me."

"Liv…"

"Cragen ordered me to take a few days off, no exceptions. I went home and there he was, waiting for me in my apartment. He had a gun pointed at my head and I just…I froze. Didn't react, didn't attempt to grab my weapon…I don't know what came over me."

"Fear. You were scared, that's natura-"

"Don't, Elliot. Don't. I froze and I paid the price for it. He tied me up. He gagged me. He burned me. He forced pills and vodka down my throat." She forced out, tears lining her lower lash line.

She gazed over at a now blurry Elliot who let out an inhuman groan as he rammed his elbow into the wooden vanity behind him in grief. This is why. This is why she needed to tell him. If there was anyone who would feel this as deeply as she did, anyone who would understand the amount of pain, anyone who would understand the absolute rage that took over her, it's Elliot.

Fuck.

No one told her that catharsis would hurt this much.

"There's more." She whispered. "After two days, he felt that it would be best to keep moving. He slung me over his shoulder, brought me down the fire escape and threw me into the trunk of a car. I don't remember much other than the house. The house it was…it was the parents' of the defense attorney he was fucking. He killed her father and made me watch while he…while he raped her mother." She grit out with a sob. "I couldn't stop him, El. He had me tied up and this poor woman, she-"

"Olivia that was not your fault, don't you dare. Don't go there." He said with so much conviction she almost believed him.

Almost.

"When he was done," She continued. "…he took me to this beach house, abandoned for the season. He threw me to bed and cuffed me to the…to the headboard rails. They were iron, it took me forever to try and get free. I had to…had to sweet talk him. Pretend. Pretend that I wanted it." She choked out, gagging, a result of both her withdrawal and this unwanted trip down memory lane.

"A woman and her daughter came by, she was the housekeeper. While he was distracted at the door I managed to yank one of the bedrails free. He came back into the room and I knocked him out. I ushered the woman and her daughter out the door. I…God, I fucking threatened them with deportation to get them to leave."

"You were saving her."

"I was saving myself. I didn't want her to call the cops and tell them where I was yet, I wanted…I wanted to kill him, Elliot. For everything he did to me, I wanted him dead and you…fuck. It was like you took over me. I knew what you would do to him if you were there. I knew you wouldn't even hesitate to kill him after what he did to me."

"No, I fucking wouldn't." Elliot responded, coldly. His eyes now brimming with his own tears of anguish.

"I handcuffed him to the bed and I beat him. Over and over and over until I swore he was dead. But the fucking bastard wasn't." She chuckled bitterly. "He's alive. Alive and in prison."

"Liv-"

"Despite all of that, you know what the worst part was?" She asked as she steadied herself, finally ready to admit something that she had long since pushed from her mind. "That I…most of the time I was so drunk and high, I didn't…I don't know if he raped me. I was afraid he did, afraid I'd remember something I didn't want to so…so I stayed drunk and high."

At that last confession, she broke. Her body wracking with the force of her sobs, Elliot immediately crawling over to her and gathering her is his arms.

"I'll kill him, Liv. I'll fucking kill him. I've got a lot of connections; I can organize a hit in prison just say the word."

"No…no. Just hold me, please. I spent so much time being mad at you for not being there. I hate that I needed you…but I did."

"I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I should've answered your calls, I should've been there for you, I should've just fucking stayed. God, I wish I had fucking stayed." He choked out.

His strong arms wrapped held her tightly against him, listening and waiting as her sobs started to subside. Once she had calmed down, she rested her head in the crook of his neck and tucked her legs up in his lap.

"I'm so…I'm so tired, Elliot."

"I know, baby." He let slip as he kissed the top of her head. "Come on, I think the worst of this is over. Let's get you into bed."

She silently acquiesced as she slid her arms up his torso and around his neck. Gently, Elliot lifted her up and carried her to the bedroom. As they walked he couldn't help but think about all of the ways he had failed her in such a short amount of time. He was determined to do better, determined to do right by her.

Tonight, they would sleep but in the morning…in the morning they had some things to figure out.