A/N: Hi my faithful readers! I'm sorry for the wait for this chapter. There's been a lot going on but I am finally back. It feels great to be writing again and I am really looking forward to writing the next chapters of my stories. I hope you're all well and safe.
Enjoy!
I'm sorry I doubted you
Sorry I made you shut up
I couldn't face the truth
It scared me too much
So I kept you locked up
'Cause I didn't know
Know that I needed you
'Til you let me know
-Panic Attacks, Icon For Hire
Hermione bolted upright, eyes wide and scanning the room without seeing as her chest heaved. A light sheen of sweat glistened in the early morning light that managed to slip past the curtain. She felt a hand brush against her arm and she flinched away from it, squeezing her eyes shut and shaking her head back and forth. Strangled sobs crept from her throat, her heart pounding so hard she could feel her entire body pulsing in time with it. The wave of calm that washed over her did nothing to settle her as gentle arms surrounded her. She pushed against them, tears leaking from her tightly closed eyes.
"Hermione," a familiar voice whispered softly, an attempt to calm her.
She continued shaking her head, steadily moving away from the source as she mouthed, "No," over and over.
Another wave of calm attempted to wash over her and she fought against it, clenching her teeth and kicking her feet. As if she was underwater, she heard Narcissa's voice, but it was too muffled to make out what she said. Cool hands pressed themselves lightly against her cheeks and she pulled away, the veins in her neck prominent as she tried to escape the touch. She sobbed as she batted hands away from her, balancing on the edge of the bed by some miracle.
Slim, strong arms slid around her, holding her close to a familiar body as she writhed. A hand scratched her scalp as whispered words fell on her ears, words she couldn't hear over the force of her panic, heartbeat, and sobs. Another pair of arms encompassed her from behind, sandwiching her between two bodies. She could feel the fight leaving her as a strong calm and reassurance crashed over her, coupled with the warmth of the bodies in front and behind her. Hermione's head fell forward against a shoulder and she stilled, finding herself clutching the shoulders of the person in front of her. Words became clearer as her sobs grew quieter and less frequent, the steady calm finally breaking through her panic.
"Hermione," Ginny whispered, scratching her scalp the way she always did to calm her, "You're safe."
The brunette shook with a sob, burying her face further in Ginny's shoulder.
"I know," the redhead soothed, unbothered by the wetness of her shoulder.
She took a shuddering breath, a whimper of fear escaping her throat. Bellatrix squeezed her lightly, resting her chin on the brunette's shoulder.
"Is this normal?" Narcissa whispered to Ginny.
"It's happened before, but I wouldn't say it's a regular occurrence," she responded, pulling back a little to look at Hermione.
Hermione loosened her grip on the redhead's shoulders so she could move. "Gin."
"I'm right here, 'Mi," she assured, still scratching her scalp.
"How long?" she rasped, reaching up to wipe her cheeks.
Ginny looked up at Bellatrix for an answer.
"About twenty minutes," the former Death Eater said, pulling Hermione into her lap.
The brunette whimpered, threading her arms around Bellatrix's neck and burying her face in dark curls.
"I'm going to get Andy, okay, 'Mi?" Ginny asked softly.
At her nod, Ginny stood, her spot quickly taken by Narcissa, who stroked Hermione's shoulders with her fingertips.
"Drink some water, Hermione," she instructed, holding a glass in her hand.
She reached for it blindly and Narcissa guided the glass into her hand, keeping a hand on it in case she dropped it. Bellatrix continued to hold Hermione in her lap, countering the fear she could feel in Hermione with gentle, but persistent, assurances of her safety, soothing her every tremble and cry. Narcissa made sure Hermione only took sips, smoothing her damp hair back.
"Andy, she has a fever," the blonde witch said when she arrived.
Andromeda frowned, placing her bag on the bed and folding one leg under herself as she sat. "How bad was it, Hermione?"
Her voice was gentle, but didn't stop the slight flare of guilt as she muttered, "Nine."
The middle Black's eyebrows shot up as she rummaged through her bag. "I'm going to need to check your wounds for infection."
"Okay," the brunette mumbled, making no move to leave the comfort Bellatrix provided.
Andromeda looked up at Narcissa and Bellatrix when Hermione still refused to move, whispering, "I need you to give me your arms, Hermione."
Keeping her face buried in Bellatrix's shoulder, Hermione held a shaking arm out to Andromeda. The healer quickly returned her arm to Bellatrix's shoulder, moving on the bed so she could see Hermione's left one better. Upon undoing the bandage on the brunette's forearm, she frowned.
"Are you sure it was just a hunting knife?" she asked carefully, holding her hand out for Narcissa to place the salve in it.
"Yes," she rasped, flinching as Andromeda applied it gently.
"It could be because of the original knife," Narcissa whispered to Andromeda.
She nodded, muttering, "Could be. I'll have to keep a closer eye on it."
"Andy, can I sleep, please?" Hermione asked, turning her head so her cheek was pressed against Bellatrix's collar.
"Take this," she instructed, placing a purple potion to Hermione's lips.
Hermione drank it greedily, her eyes beginning to flutter closed before she had even finished it. With a soft sigh, she leaned heavily into Bellatrix.
Andromeda waited until she was sure Hermione was asleep to tell her sisters, "She used to have terrible panic attacks when the war ended. Minerva even had me stay at Hogwarts while she was finishing her schooling. It's been a few years since someone had to come to get me to help. The ordeal she went through over the weekend must be sinking in and triggered them. She should be okay, but I'll leave some potions in case it happens again."
"Thanks, Andy," Bellatrix whispered, holding Hermione securely in her lap, "Will it wake her up if I bathe her?"
"No, she'll sleep for at least four hours without waking up. I still need to check her chest, but I'll let you bathe her, and then I'll dress what needs it." Andromeda sighed, pushing her hair back.
"Do you want breakfast?" Narcissa asked, placing a hand on her shoulder.
She rubbed her forehead, mumbling, "That sounds great."
"Go on downstairs, I'll help Bella get her to the bath," the blonde said, giving her sister a gentle push before Bellatrix shifted Hermione into her arms.
"I should be able to make it there," the former Death Eater said, moving herself to the edge of the bed.
Narcissa eyed her with concern. "Will you let me come back to help you?"
Bellatrix looked at Hermione, a protest on her lips before she pinched her mouth closed and nodded. Once she was up, she was okay for short distances, but the act of standing sometimes left her off balance. Narcissa returned shortly, leaning down so Bellatrix could slide an arm around her shoulder and support herself as she walked. The water was already running and Hermione was lying on the floor with a towel under her head.
"I can take it from here, Cissy. I'll just need help getting back to bed," Bellatrix whispered, leaving her sister's support and standing somewhat steadily.
"Just call for me when you're ready," she responded, casting a motherly glance at Hermione before taking her leave.
Bellatrix stripped herself first, then Hermione, undoing the dressing on her chest before pulling her into her lap and sliding into the water. She bathed Hermione slowly, whispering soft nothings against her hair the entire time. The younger witch slept soundly through it all, her breaths slow and even. After she had finished bathing the brunette, she pushed herself out of the tub, pulling Hermione with her and wrapping her in a soft towel before calling for her youngest sister.
Narcissa took the towel-wrapped Hermione in her arms, watching her sister grab a towel and push herself to a standing position with trepidation. Bellatrix smiled reassuringly at her as she wrapped the towel around herself, feeling confident in her ability to walk.
"I'll go slow," she assured, taking careful steps back toward the bed.
The blonde followed close behind, unsure how she would catch Bellatrix without dropping Hermione if she stumbled. Fortunately, her oldest sister made it to the bed without incident, leaning heavily on the nightstand as she pulled on sweatpants and a shirt before getting comfortable.
Bellatrix looked down at the crisp sheets and pillowcases, asking her sister, "Did you have the sheets changed? They feel so nice."
"I did. It's coming back, then?" she asked hopefully.
"It's hard to tell, but I think so. I still have to be near Hermione," the dark-haired witch answered, holding her arms out for Hermione.
Narcissa let out a sigh. "That's great news. I'll let Andy know you're ready for her. And if you need anything-"
"I'll call for you, Cissy," Bellatrix assured, brushing Hermione's hair out of her face, "I think we'll be okay until she wakes up."
"Okay," Narcissa breathed, pausing at the door and looking back at the two witches, "You'll be okay?"
Bellatrix nodded, reaching for the second pair of sweatpants and pulling them onto Hermione. Narcissa nodded- mostly to herself- as she left for the dining room. The former Death Eater stared at the door until Andromeda came through it, moving Hermione so she was leaning against her chest for Andromeda to dress her wounds.
"Andy?" Bellatrix asked as her sister wrapped bandages around Hermione's arm.
"Yeah?" Andromeda muttered, securing the bandage and making sure it wasn't too tight or too loose.
Bellatrix worried her lip in hesitation before whispering, "Do you know how the trials are going? Have they started yet?"
"I don't know. I don't think they can start until Hermione returns, she's the key witness and I'm sure the Wizengamot will want her there," she answered quietly.
"I wish I could be there with her for it. I know it's going to be difficult for her." Bellatrix squeezed her eyes shut, squeezing Hermione's waist.
Andromeda looked up from Hermione's sternum. "She won't be alone. And I think her determination to send them all to Azkaban will outweigh any fear she feels when she's there. It's here, away from the public eye, that she'll need the most support. And that's right where you are, Bella."
The older witch nodded, mumbling, "I guess."
"Well, I know," Andromeda retorted, securing the bandage on Hermione's chest, "All done. Her fever is gone and the infection is under control. When she wakes up, she should be calm, but she'll need comfort."
"Have you talked to Cissy about moving here?" Bellatrix asked, dressing Hermione in a shirt and stroking her hair.
"I haven't decided, Bella," she sighed, "I love my cottage, it's where I lived with Ted and raised Nymphadora. All my memories of them are there."
The former Death Eater smiled softly as she whispered, "Maybe someday I'll know what that's like."
"Send for me if you need anything," Andromeda mumbled, retreating hastily.
Bellatrix frowned after her, moving to place pillows behind and around her before laying Hermione between her legs with her head resting on her thigh. She pulled the blanket up to the brunette's neck, smiling as Hermione wrapped her arms and legs around her leg. From the nightstand, she grabbed the book she read while Hermione was busy at work. It had been nearly a week since she had picked it up and so much had happened, so she backtracked to the beginning to refresh herself.
It was easy to lose herself in the pages of the tome, and the four hours of Hermione's induced sleep passed without her noticing. It was only when the younger witch began to stir with a soft groan that she realized she had nearly finished it. She felt a face press into her inner thigh and saw Hermione's shoulders heave a sigh.
"Feeling better, cub?" she whispered, stroking brown curls fondly.
"Mhm," Hermione hummed, inhaling deeply before mumbling, "Did I hurt you earlier?"
Bellatrix let out a soft chuckle at the sleepy concern lacing the witch's words. "Not at all, Hermione."
"I hope I'm better enough to go in soon, so this can all be over with," she muttered, sitting up and brushing her hair out of her face.
The older witch threaded her arms around Hermione's middle, pulling her flush against her and earning an appreciative sigh. "Are you hungry?"
Hermione nodded, leaning back as far as she could into Bellatrix. "You feel so good, I don't want to go downstairs."
Laughter tickled Hermione's neck as Bellatrix breathed, "I planned on having food brought up to us."
"Merlin, I love you," the brunette sighed, her cheeks reddening even though she had said it before.
"I love you, too," Bellatrix whispered in her ear, sending a shiver down Hermione's spine.
She fiddled with her hands nervously, stammering, "I- erm- I used to get really bad panic attacks. After the war. Andy and Ginny helped me through them. Eventually, they stopped being so bad, but not because I was getting better. I just...got to the point where I could push everything so far away. Like I locked everything in a box and shoved it into a pit and they stopped. But I've been trying to get better, taking things out of the box one by one as I'm ready to deal with them. I was dreaming about...when the Snatchers caught us."
Hermione took a shaky breath, closing her eyes as Bellatrix threaded their hands together and continued, "They didn't take us to you. They took us to him, and he tortured me because he wanted to. And then he...he made me watch as he killed everyone I care about before he killed me."
The former Death Eater wrapped her arms around the brunette, keeping hold of her hands. "I'm beginning to wonder if it's even possible for any of us to die."
A light chuckle briefly left Hermione, mingled with a touch of stress. "I think I've lost count of how many times we should've died by now. But that doesn't mean we're always going to make it."
"Well, hopefully, this marks the last of those types of situations," Bellatrix murmured into Hermione's neck.
"You know, I have a pretty good feeling that it will be," she breathed with a smile.
"Is that so?" the older witch whispered with a smile.
Hermione nodded, turning so she was sideways in Bellatrix's lap. "It is."
"Am I allowed to know?" she asked playfully, resting her chin on Hermione's shoulder.
"Not yet," she answered mysteriously, "But you are allowed to get me something to eat."
Bellatrix chuckled, squeezing Hermione's sides. "Am I, now?"
"Yes," Hermione said simply, with a quick nod of her head, "Since you insist on taking care of me."
"Someone has to," the former Death Eater retorted playfully, calling for a house-elf to bring some food.
Hermione's mouth watered upon seeing the spread of fruit on the plate, taking special note of the strawberries. She reached for one, only for Bellatrix to lightly swat her hand away.
"I'm taking care of you," she reminded the brunette, holding an apple slice to her lips to silence her protests.
"Bella," Hermione still said around the apple in her mouth, "My hands are healed enough to feed myself."
"Merlin, I have never met anyone as stubborn as you," Bellatrix grumbled.
The brunette grinned broadly, shooting her hand out to grab a strawberry and press it to the other witch's lips before she could stop her. "I know they're you're favorite. I want to watch you eat one."
She was met with a bemused shake of Bellatrix's head, but she complied, sinking her teeth into the sweet fruit. As the flavor hit her tongue, her eyes closed and a moan passed her lips. Hermione's smile broadened as she brought the rest of the fruit to her lips, her expression quickly mirroring the older witch's, partly as a result of the bliss flowing to her from Bellatrix.
"Oh, Merlin, that's delicious," she breathed, tossing the stem onto the plate.
"You're telling me," Bellatrix whispered, "I don't even remember the last time I had a strawberry, let alone one that amazing."
Hermione rubbed her nose against Bellatrix's, laughing lightly. "Aren't you glad you let me do that?"
The dark-haired witch hummed. "As long as you recognize that I let you."
"I am the brightest witch of my age," she teased, draping her arms on Bellatrix's shoulders.
Bellatrix looked amused, reaching up to brush a piece of the strawberry off Hermione's lip with her thumb. The younger witch's breath hitched at the soft touch, her hands finding their way into dark curls.
"Would you look at that?" the older witch husked, "Your lip is all better."
She briefly flicked her eyes up to Hermione's, finding them wide and slightly dark.
"Bella," she breathed shakily, held in place by the intense dark eyes meeting her own.
A smirk pulled ruby lips upward as she leaned forward enough to brush her lips teasingly against Hermione's. She was rewarded with a quiet whimper as eyelids hid brown eyes and hands tightened slightly in her hair. A low chuckle left Bellatrix in a breath before she pressed her lips fully against Hermione's. A tongue traced her bottom lip as the witch in her lap moved to straddle her, leaning into her with enough force that Bellatrix had to lean slightly back. Her hands gripped Hermione's hips, pulling the brunette into her as teeth nibbled her bottom lip. Bellatrix groaned softly, giving Hermione the opening she needed to slide her tongue against Bellatrix's, lightly tugging her dark tresses.
Pale hands slipped under Hermione's shirt, sliding upward to her chest. The brunette broke the kiss with a gasp as Bellatrix's thumb brushed the skin under her breasts, tilting her head back and rocking into the former Death Eater. Bellatrix smirked into Hermione's neck, placing gentle kisses along her jaw. She moved her hands higher, brushing her thumbs over Hermione's nipples. Through their connection, she could feel the brunette's desire, mixed with the briefest flicker of hesitation, followed quickly by a spike of anxiety. As Bellatrix pulled her hands away, Hermione opened her mouth to speak, only for an index finger to be pressed against her lips.
"If you are about to apologize, there is no need," Bellatrix whispered reassuringly, "I'm serious, Hermione."
The younger witch nodded, feeling slightly guilty. "I do want this. With you. I just...It's been a while...And I've only been with one person like that before. Part of me wants it to be special and the other part of me just wants to experience it with you already and I don't know which part to listen to or if I'll be good enough and-"
"Cub," the older witch interrupted gently, "I am not going anywhere. It's been a while for me, too. The number of people you have or haven't been with doesn't make me want you any less. You aren't leading me on, you aren't being a tease. I want you to be ready, regardless of how long it takes. I know you aren't 100% yet, I know you're dealing with a lot. It's okay to put that first. I will be here no matter what. And until you're ready, we can just cuddle, maybe kiss. Whatever you want, okay?"
Hermione nodded again, chewing her lip nervously. "I-"
"No apologies," Bellatrix reminded her, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips, "There is nothing to be sorry for, I promise."
"Okay," the brunette breathed, leaning her forehead against Bellatrix's shoulder and swallowing hard, "I don't think I'm great at being in a proper relationship."
The older witch stroked Hermione's brown curls. "Just communicate with me. I'll do the same with you. There's no pressure for us to do anything or be anything. We can just be, Hermione."
"Okay," she breathed again, feeling a blush colour her cheeks as she mumbled, "Well, in that case, I think I should communicate what a great kisser you are."
"I think you've made that perfectly clear," Bellatrix teased, reaching for an apple slice, "But feel free to remind me whenever."
Hermione smiled broadly as she took a bite of the apple, the crisp fruit crunching pleasantly as she chewed. She rubbed her cheek against Bellatrix's shoulder, settling into her embrace as pieces of fruit were continuously brought to her mouth. Bellatrix would feed one to Hermione, then one to herself, and continued until the plate was bare. Bellatrix continued by reading to the brunette. Hermione was tucked tightly into the older witch's side, her legs draped over Bellatrix's and her head securely in the crook of her shoulder. The words drifted from Bellatrix's mouth to Hermione's ears, but she hardly processed them as she allowed her own thoughts to wander. Bellatrix could sense that Hermione's thoughts weren't on the book, but continued reading aloud if only to keep her thoughts from overwhelming her. Absently, her free hand massaged Hermione's scalp.
"Bella?" Hermione whispered suddenly, breaking the spell that had settled over them.
"Yes, cub?" Bellatrix asked softly, holding her page with her fingers as she lowered the book to focus on Hermione.
The younger witch chewed her lip, feeling the beginnings of anxiety creeping in. "Can we talk about it?"
"Of course we can," the former Death Eater assured, pressing her lips to the top of Hermione's head.
Hermione fiddled with her hands, taking a deep, shaky breath. "I went in early so I could be home early. So that we could have a long weekend together. It was stupid to go by myself, but I'm also glad no one was with me to get hurt. They were all invisible and waiting for me. I couldn't even make out the shimmer from the Disillusionment. I'm not even sure if they used it. There were at least five of them waiting for me. Umbridge let them in, that's why the alarm wasn't triggered. I wasn't sure if I would've been able to make it to the floo or my office, so I surrendered. I wanted to save my energy for a better escape opportunity."
Bellatrix reached for Hermione's hands, threading their fingers together and squeezing reassuringly.
"I pushed him on purpose so he would reveal any tidbit of information, even though I knew he would- would hurt me. He beat me a few times. Other times he used magic. I- I knew every little bit would help you find me. Daphne told me where I was, that's how I knew. It took her a while to tell me. I think the reality hit her after his last session. It was...bad doesn't really describe it. He was brutal. The way he- the way he carved that word into my skin all over again."
Hermione shook her head, tears pooling at the corners of her eyes. Bellatrix pulled her closer, gently sending soothing emotions to the brunette witch as she fought to keep her rage in check.
"Daphne came to help me after that. She set an alarm on my dad's watch and told me where I was. I spent that night working on cutting through the ropes. I passed out at some point, I don't know when. When I woke up I managed to get out of them just in time. I could hear everyone upstairs and he came down to kill me and I knew I just had to hang in there. I jumped on his back and cast Langlock. He slammed me into the wall to get me off, I think that's how he broke my ribs. And then Ginny was there and he tried to kill me when I gave her an opening."
The brunette exhaled slowly, her breath unsteady even against all the comfort Bellatrix was providing. She had never talked about something so soon after it happened, but she knew from experience that she shouldn't hold it in.
"As he was going over my scar he kept saying how pathetic I was, how I should be honoured that not one but two of the families in the Sacred 28 saw fit to carve reminders into my skin. That I was nothing and would always be nothing and I didn't deserve to even be tied to a chair in his cellar."
Hermione squeezed Bellatrix's hand as she felt the uncontrollable rage rolling off the other witch threatening to pull them both under. Bellatrix squeezed back, seeming to remember herself as she focused on breathing slowly. She nuzzled her nose against Hermione's cheek softly, feeling the rage subside as the brunette leaned into her.
"I'm so sorry, Hermione," she whispered, her voice breaking with the force of her emotions.
Hermione smiled softly, turning to cup the older witch's cheek. She had seldom heard Bellatrix speak with so much raw emotion.
As she stroked regal cheekbones, she breathed, "Oh, Bella, there's nothing to be sorry about."
"I- If I hadn't-" Bellatrix struggled to find the words she was searching for, shaking her head slightly.
"Don't think like that," Hermione whispered, pressing her forehead against Bellatrix's, "He's wrong, he'll always be wrong. I know why you did what you did, I know it isn't because you think like him."
The older witch let out a shaky breath, looking hesitantly into Hermione's eyes. "I promise I'll fix it. I can't get rid of the scar, but I promise I will make it up to you."
"You already have, Bella," Hermione whispered, pulling her into a tight hug, "You're the reason we won the war, the reason Voldemort didn't win. No one would be where they are if it weren't for you. But even still, you were the one who brought me home, you're the one who kept me going. Without you, Bella, I- well, I don't think I'd be alive."
Bellatrix hugged Hermione back tightly, burying her face into brunette hair. She inhaled deeply, taking comfort in everything Hermione filling her senses. "Is it bad that I would have no trouble killing him?"
"I don't think so," Hermione whispered, coaxing Bellatrix onto her back to lie down.
The older witch complied, continuing to hold Hermione close to her. She tried to breathe slowly to keep her anger under control. Hermione nuzzled her jaw, her hands sneaking under Bellatrix's shirt to trace patterns along pale skin. Bellatrix sighed contently, her head sinking into the pillow as the younger witch's fingertips brushed against her skin.
"Thank you, cub," Bellatrix whispered, dragging her hands up a strong back.
"There's nothing to thank me for, Bella," Hermione assured, pressing her face into Bellatrix's neck.
Bellatrix chuckled lowly, stroking brown hair. "I love you, Hermione."
Hermione pushed herself up so she could look at the older witch, a broad smile on her face. "I love you too, Bellatrix."