Thanks to everyone who reviewed and responded to my issues with FF. I randomly received like 6 emails a few days after I posted but they were outdated, very odd. I hope you guys enjoy the new chapter!
oOo
When I woke next the sun was still high in the sky but on the other side of me than it had been. This told me it was past midday. All of my pains came crashing back down on me and I whimpered before I could hold it back. I wished that this damn tree had severed my spinal cord; at least I wouldn't feel most of the pain. But somehow, it just managed to miss it.
"Bells?" Charlie asked sounding worried, I looked up at him and I noticed that he had tried to wash most of the blood from his face at some point.
"Nauseous." I responded clamping my mouth shut as a wave of nausea came upon me suddenly.
"Hold on a second, I'm on it." I heard him rustling in the back seat for a minute before I felt something pressed under my chin. "Okay Bella, you can vomit if you need to."
I needed to. I immediately vomited up pure liquid and lots of it. My throat burned as it came up, my body was wracked with pain from the movement heaving caused and I called out in pain unable to stop myself. Because of the low position of my head against my neck I wasn't able to lift my head up to clear the obstruction and I began choking.
"Shit." I heard my Dad said quietly and he gently pushed my head back with his one hand on my forehead, one hand still holding up the bag. Once my head was up I vomited again clearing my throat and esophagus. This time though my dad wasn't able to properly hold the bag and a lot of the vomit landed in my lap. I heard a broken sob come from my father, this caused me to open my eyes a crack, enough to see that my vomit was entirely blood. My father held a bag filled with blood and my lap was covered in it. He backed away now that I was no longer choking, he slowly lowered my head down and dumped the bag in the woods, I heard the splash as it hit the ground.
"I'm sorry." I whispered as Charlie returned to my door.
"You have nothing to apologize for. Do you hear me Bella? Nothing." He was as serious as I'd ever heard him. He lifted my head slightly so I could look at him.
"I have everything to apologize for." While I spoke he cleaned my chin with his sleeve. "It would have been much easier on you if I had just died on impact. Now you have to watch me slowly die." I said, my voice was a harsh rasp and it took me a while to get this out.
"You're not-" he started but I cut him off.
"I'm sorry. The only thing worse than dying like this is watching your child die like this. You don't deserve this, Dad. You're the best dad ever." A single tear rolled down my cheek.
"You are NOT dying. Do you hear me?" he said vehemently.
I looked him in the eyes for another minute before I said again "I'm sorry." It was whispered this time.
"I stopped trying to get the hood open when I realized you'd passed out. I'm going to keep trying now. I'm going to get that radio working and get us out of here. I promise." He told me and I nodded, placating him.
I knew he was telling the truth. I truly believed he would get out of here alive and I knew he'd get my body out. But I knew that's all of me that would be leaving. My body.
He slowly lowered my head back down to my chest and got out of the car again. As the sounds of metal on metal resumed I realized that I had a constant trickle in the back of my throat at this point and a slow but steady stream of blood coming in to my mouth.
I was weak, cold, clammy and fevered at this point and the breeze coming through the broken door on my right side wasn't helping the fact that I felt freezing. I tried swallowing back the blood that was very slowly trickling into my mouth but with the position of my neck it made swallowing very difficult. After a few minutes of trying to swallow the blood in my mouth it started to trickle out, dripping slowly onto my lap.
The crunches of metal went on for a while after this along with the sounds of Charlie's grunts, huffs and the occasional swear of frustration. I had never felt so helpless or useless in my life. I just had to sit there suspended unable to help him while he fought with a crumpled hood with a bad concussion and likely broken leg. Though now that his head was a bit clearer he was doing his best to hide both from me.
Finally I heard one final screeching crunch and I knew he'd gotten the hood open. I expected to hear a triumphant shout from Charlie but there was nothing, just the sound of him sifting through what sounded like broken pieces of metal under the hood.
There was silence for a minute or two before I heard him come around to the drivers side and struggle into the drivers seat. "Bella?" He asked sounding alarmed and shaking my arm a little harder than necessary.
"Yeah." I said breathily and I could hear his breath let out in a sigh of relief. He reached towards me and wiped what I assumed was blood off of my chin with his sleeve.
"The battery was just disconnected. The motor is done but the battery looks to be intact. I just need to…" I heard him turn the key one click and…
Nothing.
"Damnit." He cursed. "The connection is loose, the parts that usually hold the wires to it broke off. Give me a few minutes I should be able to wedge it on."
With that I turned my head slightly left to see him struggle back out of the car onto his very painful leg and begin to limp back around to the front of the car. I dropped my head back down. I had been about to warn him to be careful as he got out of the car but my breathing had become more laboured. It felt as though I was sinking further onto the tree in my abdomen, putting more and more pressure onto my lungs.
For the next 10 or 15 minutes I heard him rustling with things under the hood, he would occasionally call out a "Bella?" And I would say "yeah" or "here" with as much volume as I could muster. I finally heard a "That's got to work." and then heard him limp back over to his door, he sounded as though he was having more difficulty walking now, he was limping heavily.
I turned to look at him through a curtain of hair that had fallen from where he had put it behind my ear. "You okay?" He asked me as he pulled himself back in.
"Are you?" I asked and he responded immediately.
"I'm fine." He said pulling himself fully into the seat, he reached over and tucked my hair behind my ear again. "Plus I think I got it this time." He again wiped my chin with his sleeve and I could see the blood on his sleeve this time. He hesitated looking at me for a minute before turning back to the car and turning the key. The same click sounded but this time the car came to life.
All of the lights on the dashboard turned on, music started coming out of the radio, the fans came on blowing more cold air at me and I shivered involuntarily.
Charlie immediately turned off the regular radio and the fan and pulled out the police radio handset from the dashboard of the car.
"This is police chief Swan, does anyone read?" There was static for a moment before a staticky voice said "I read you chief Swan."
"Thank god. My daughter and I were in a terrible car accident, she is very hurt and we are currently stuck at the bottom of a ravine with no way out and no one around to help. We've been here for the last day, I just got the radio working."
"Where are you Chief Swan?" The voice asked.
"I'm not entirely sure." He said "We are somewhere in the Capitol State Forest… I swerved to avoid an elk." He said quietly as if he just remembered that. "I have no idea what road we were on when he crashed."
"Do you know where you entered the park? How long you drove before you crashed?" The voice asked.
"No… I… I don't. I hit my head and I'm really having trouble remembering. Bella?" He asked me, "Can you remember any of that?"
I tried to think really hard "We got off route 8, the traffic." I said and he relayed it.
"Do you remember the exit you took? How long you drove for?" The man asked and Charlie directed the question to me, I shook my head, I also couldn't remember. It was all blurry. Charlie told them as such.
"We're sending people out to search for you now chief." The voice said.
"Please, my daughter is very injured, she needs help as soon as possible, please hurry." The true desperation Charlie was feeling came out in his voice finally.
"We'll-" silence, no static, no lights. Nothing.
"No, goddamnit!" He yelled and hit the wheel with all his might. His sudden bodily shift and hitting the steering wheel at the same time shifted the car slightly which of course also shifted the tree and myself and I moaned at the pain, feeling more blood enter my mouth and seep out of my wound. All I could do was let it roll over my chin, squint my eyes shut and ball up my fists at the pain.
"Oh Bella. I'm sorry. I didn't think the car would move, I didn't think, I'm so sorry." His hands were on me then holding my left hand and upper arm, trying to comfort me.
"I'm okay." I said regretting that I had let him know that he had hurt me. My speech was slightly slurred at this due to the extra blood in my mouth.
"Oh, Bells. Hang on a second." He said and got out of the car too quickly and his leg collapsed out from under him. "Fuck." He muttered.
"Dad?!" I said as loud as I could, some blood flying out of my mouth at this "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine Bella." He said as he slowly pulled himself back up into standing. I forced my head to turn towards him, he didn't look fine. He looked pale, he still had some blood around the edges of his hair and the scruff of his beard from the day of not shaving.
It took him too long to pull himself up for my liking and his limp was far more pronounced after this. But still he walked to the back of the car and I could hear him rifling through the trunk again. After a few moments I heard him limping back towards me. He held up the plastic bag again that was still stained with blood and said "Here, spit into this." I did then he took what appeared to be a blue police shirt and wiped at my chin and mouth. "Rinse your mouth for me." He said and he lifted my chin with one hand and helped pour water into my mouth with the other. He kept my chin up and quickly replaced the water bottle with the bag. "And spit." Bright red water spilled out of my mouth. He then gave me more water, this time to drink. "Better?"
I nodded grateful that he continued to hold my head up. It was nice to be able to look at him and look around at my surroundings. I looked over at him then and he helped me to move my head. "Your leg." I said worriedly.
"It's okay Bella. It hurts but it will be okay, I promise." I believed him. I thought that the worse he might have would be a limp when he was fully healed and I could live with that. Well… I was okay with that.
"Now let's make you a bit more comfortable." He told me and gently set my head down on my chest. "I'm going to try something, if it's more comfortable then good." He said and I could hear ripping cloth. "If not then I will take it off." More ripping cloth. He lifted my head up again this time pressing what felt like a 2 inch strip of cloth to my forehead and reaching behind me, behind the car seat and he stood like that for a moment moving slightly. Tying it, I realized.
After a minute he pulled away and indeed my head was now supported by a strip of material. It wasn't held fully up but up enough that when I relaxed my head into it it was much more comfortable than it had been, there was no strain on my neck and I could still see a lot of what was around me. "How's that? Does that feel better?" He asked me.
"Much better. Thank you." Sentences were becoming harder, shorter was easier. With this he tucked my hair behind my ears and it actually stayed now that my head was lifted up much higher. It was easier now to swallow the blood that pooled in my mouth, though even this had slowed now that my head was lifted.
"I found this in the trunk." He told me and he picked up a small first aid kit from the forest floor. It's the kind of thing that would be perfect for small cuts, scrapes and burns. It was laughable next to the wreak that was my body. And I did just that, I laughed, one breathy laugh.
"I know." He said without a smile "Not exactly adequate. I'm hoping there might be something in here that might be useful." He said and popped the two latches open. Inside was a mix of finger sized bandaids, a roll of gauze, a few bigger square bandaids, a few squares of gauze, 5-6 alcohol swabs, a small pair of scissors, a pair of tweezers and a small container of Tylenol extra strength. He looked at it, any hope leaving his face. "How bad are you bleeding?" He asked me.
I tried to shake my head "Not bad. The wound in my stomach… is sealed. Legs have slowed… to a trickle."
He crouched down then barely suppressing a grunt and looked at my legs. My right calf which was exposed he was able to reach and so he ripped open the gauze packets and pressed them to what I assumed were wounds on my leg and then wrapped it in the roll of gauze. He did this very gently though it was still painful. I didn't let him know this, though. When he stood back up he took out 3 Tylenol's from the first aid kit.
"I want you to take these." He told me.
"Three?" I asked.
"We can deal with any damage to your liver later. We need to kill some of your pain." He was right. I wouldn't live long enough to have to live with any of the effects. I was only able to swallow one pill at a time. The only reason I had agreed to take the Tylenol was that I was pretty sure my stomach was still intact which would mean I could still at least partially digest them. As long as my digestive system hadn't fully stopped working yet. I had reached up automatically to help bring the water bottle to my mouth, this wasn't necessary or helpful as it turned out. My hands were clumsy and just fumbled at his, unable to help at all.
"Oh Bells your hands are pretty swollen." He told me and he fed me the last pill and tipped the bottle back for me to drink. I let my hands fall back down to where they hung in front of me. I ached everywhere, I noticed. My hands were swollen from the position they hung in. My shoulders ached for this same reason as did my back and really every part of me whether injured by the accident or not.
Once he'd finished giving me the Tylenol he broke off a piece of the granola bar again. "Dad…" I said.
"The Tylenol will upset your stomach otherwise." He said and I knew he was right. I opened my mouth and he gave me a small piece. Chewing it was hard. It took me way longer than it should have. He noticed me struggling. "Want some water?" He asked me and I nodded. He gave me a little bit and it helped to break down the granola bar. It still took me another minute or two but eventually I was able to swallow it. This had exhausted me. "Do you want some more?" He asked me skeptically. I shook my head closing my eyes. "I thought not." I could hear him crinkle up the wrapper and put it away.
"Let me see your hand." He said to me and I felt his warm rough hands pick up my swollen right one. He held it up to about chest height on me and pulled it to the right towards him slightly. He gently began massaging my hand rubbing his thumbs from the tips of my fingers down towards my palm, then wrist, then into my forearm. He worked in silence for a while and I closed my eyes resting my head against the strap, enjoying the first comforting feeling since this started.
"I was so glad that you came back to live with me, Bells. I missed you more than I can say all of these years. I was so glad… but if I'd known that this… that this would happen I would have never. I would have sent you back the day you got here." He said sounding choked up.
I shook my head "I wouldn't change a thing." I told him. "If I had it to do over… knowing how it would end… I would do it in a heartbeat."
"Please don't say that." He pleaded stopping his massage for a minute. "This isn't it, this isn't the end. It can't be." He was crying now, I could hear it.
"I'm sorry Dad. I really am. But it is. Not right this moment… but I can feel it coming. I won't- can't survive this." It took me a while to say this.
"I can't do this without you Bells. I can't live with this." He gestured to me letting go of my hand. "I did this, this is my fault." I immediately argued but he cut me off "It is my fault. I was driving, I saved myself but not you. How could I do that? What kind of father am I?"
"A father who had no control... over a car careening… down a cliff. Not your fault." I said.
"I should have taken the same detour as everyone else. I should have-" he was sounding desperate and I cut him off.
"Dad. You didn't put the elk… in the road. You did what you could. If you had hit the elk… we both would have died… on impact." I said breathily. "You're going to have to live… with this. And be able to… accept it. I'm at peace with it… One day I need you to be… too."
"I can't…" he said with a sob.
"I need you to live your life… eventually. Let people help… the Cullen's… Sue. Accept help and eventually… move on." I said.
"You aren't dying!" He exclaimed, defiant again.
"Then if I do… promise." I said looking him in the eyes.
He deflated visibly. "If you do… then I promise. Eventually." He told me.
"Accept help." I said again. I didn't need him starving after I was gone.
"I will." He whispered
"Good." I whispered and rested my head and closed my eyes again. "Thank you."
He picked up my hand and started massaging again. "What can I do to make you more comfortable?" He asked me fighting back more tears by the sound in his voice.
"This is nice." I said in a whisper.
"What else?" He asked sounding desperate.
"Be here. Until the end." I said.
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be." He said working very hard to control his voice.
"Are you hungry?" He asked and I shook my head. "Thirsty?" Another shake. "In pain?" I opened my eyes and looked at him but said nothing. "Right…" he said quietly. "Cold?" At that I reluctantly nodded.
"Okay." He said brightening at the thought that he could help me with this. He still had on his black police jacket. He took it off and I shook my head.
"You need that." I told him.
"No I don't. I'm not cold, plus I have a long sleeve flannel shirt on and a t shirt underneath. I'm fine." He bent down and rummaged in what sounded like the first aid kit and pulled out the small pair of scissors. He gently laid the jacket on my lap with the bottom hem facing him. He brought the scissors to the hem and began cutting the jacket up the middle.
"Don't ruin it." I said to him, too late.
"It's fine Bella. There's more at the precinct." He said and I didn't argue further. He cut until just over halfway up the jacket then took my right arm and threaded it through the sleeve. He vanished for a minute then reappeared in the drivers door. Climbing up seemed to be even harder for him now and it took him a little while. Once in he braced himself against the floorboard with his good left leg and reached over to bring my left arm through the other sleeve. The jacket was still warm with his body heat and I closed my eyes enjoying the warmth for a minute. "Better?" He asked and I nodded. "Good." He said and he took my left hand in his and began to massage it the same way he had with my right.
I relaxed into the heat of the jacket and the feeling of him massaging my hand and I thought of something. Something I'd wanted to say to him for a long time but never had the courage.
"I never apologized." I said quietly.
"I told you you don't need to apologize, Bella." Charlie said softly.
"No. Not for this." I said.
"Then what?" He asked.
"Last March. When I left… I said horrible things. I didn't mean it… I needed you to let me go." I said and then began coughing and couldn't seem to stop. The pain was unbelievable. My muscles spasmed around the wood in my stomach as they tried to clear what was in my throat but my coughs were weak. The muscles that would usually help generate the power for the cough ground uselessly against the wood impaling me causing intense pain but not assisting with the cough at all.
"Breathe, Bella. Come on, breathe." He gently rubbed my back and wiped the blood that came out of my mouth. This went on for what felt like an eternity, I choked on blood barely able to clear it at all and Charlie frantically tried everything he could to help including reaching in my mouth to help clear the blood out. I thought this was it, I thought this was how I was going to die. Charlie did too based on how he was becoming more and more frantic as time went on.
But then I finally did it. I finally managed to draw a ragged breath in without it getting stuck in my throat. Then another. And another.
"That's it Bella, just breathe. You can do it. Just breathe." My father said while rubbing soothing circles on my upper back. I continued to pull in breath after breath savouring the oxygen as it flooded into my lungs. I had thought that was it for me. A part of me was sad that I had survived as I felt ready to go. Another part of me was glad I didn't go in such a horrific way for my fathers sake. I couldn't imagine losing my child watching them choke to death on their own blood in front of me and being unable to do anything.
I leaned into the material strap at my forehead and closed my eyes, grateful for it knowing I would have choked for sure if my neck had been bent down. This coughing fit had drained what little strength I had left and I hung limply from the seatbelt and strap holding my head. My dad clung to my hand and whispered the occasional reassurance as he rubbed my back. I also noticed a fresh wetness at my stomach and back where new blood had come out of the wound while I coughed. I felt like I would have no blood left soon. I was shocked that there was still any left at all.
I shivered against the cold coming in through the door alerting me to the fresh blood on my clothing. My wet clothes and the cool air would have been enough but I was starting to become quite fevered as well adding to how cold I felt. This coughing fit and subsequent flare of agony really seemed to highlight how horrible I was feeling.
How I felt like I was dying.
It became more urgent now that I told Charlie what I needed to before it was too late.
"I'm sorry." I whispered harshly.
"Shh Bella. Don't talk, just catch your breath." He told me trying to rub warmth into my arm.
"I'm sorry." I whispered again. "I didn't mean… what I said. I needed you… to let me go. I hurt you… on purpose. I'm sorry." This sentence of harsh whispers and gasping breaths took a long time to get out but Charlie was patient and he waited for me to finish.
"It's okay Bella. I was never mad at you, just worried about you. I'm not mad." He reassured me.
I nodded at this and continued to take ragged breaths, eyes still closed. "Will you tell… Edward and Renee… that I'm sorry… and I love them?"
"You're going to tell them you love them yourself. And you have no reason to apologize to anyone for anything." He told me firmly.
"Of course I do…" I said opening my eyes and turning my head to the left slightly. This took most of my energy. "Edward loses his fiancé. Mom, her daughter. And you yours. I'm sorry… to you all."
"Bella… you're not-" he cut off when I nodded.
"Yes I am. Soon, Dad. I'm sorry." I told him and a tear escaped my eye. I hadn't expected it. He reached up and wiped it away, my tears had triggered his own. "It's okay. I'm okay. I'm at peace."
"Bells." He said choked up.
"I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry you're here. But I'm glad… that you're with me." I told him squeezing his hand back with my own.
"I'm sorry Bella." He said suddenly in a sob "I don't know how to save you. I should be able to save you, but I can't." He brought his hand to the side of my face and I leaned into it.
"It's okay. I promise I'm okay. I'm only worried… about you… Edward… and mom." I told him and then caught my breath. "Please promise you will… take care of yourself. I need you… to be okay." I pleaded still looking at him.
"I will, Bella. I will do my best. I promise." He told me solemnly. In truth I wasn't so worried about Charlie or Renee. They would both move on eventually. Most of my fear was for Edward. I hoped he listened to me, I couldn't stand if he died because of me. But at the same time I knew I was being selfish. If he didn't want to live who was I to tell him he had to stay here and be miserable? All I could do was hope that his family would help him through it, that he would move on eventually. Be happy again one day.
"Please tell them." I said closing my eyes and turning my head forwards again. "Tell them I'm sorry… and I love them."
"I will sweetheart. But they know, how could they not know? That boy loves you more than I've ever seen someone love someone else. And your mom… you did a lot for her growing up and I know she appreciates it and loves you too. It will be hard. So hard. But we will all make it Bella. You don't need to worry about us." He told me. I could hear the emotion in his voice and in the way he held my hand.
I smiled at this. "Thanks Dad." I whispered. This is what I needed to hear to be completely at peace. I couldn't stand hurting the people I loved the most. I needed them to be okay.
"I love you." I whispered again needing him to hear me, to understand. I had so many more things I wanted to say to him but this would have to do.
"I love you too, Bella. So much more than words can say." I heard him curse quietly then say "Give me a minute, I'll be right back." and he let my hand go gently back to where it was dangling. The missing warmth in my hand caused another involuntary shiver to run through me. I heard him shuffling back out of the car now and the sounds of him moving through the undergrowth.
It took him longer than it had been to get around to my side of the car, I could hear his heavy limp that had clearly worsened. "Edward, Alice." I whispered as I heard Charlie struggling to get around to me "I don't have long. Don't give up… when I'm gone. Save Charlie… you have to save him… I love you… I'm sorry… I love you so much."
Charlie was at my door then and I was out of breath. He didn't seem to notice a change though and took my right hand in his right and put his left hand on the back of my head. He leaned in and kissed the side of my head for a long few seconds. "I love you so much kid, you're the strongest person I know. You don't need to fight anymore sweetheart. You can relax, you can sleep now." He told me this while his lips were still pressed to my head.
"Thanks Dad." I whispered. "Love you." I relaxed into his embrace and let myself drift off to sleep feeling completely at peace.
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