Yesterday was my birthday. Did I even bring that up yet? I don't think so. Well, I have now. Anyway, it was impossible to actually feel happy about it. It was underscored a little by me trying to focus on Tohru (I've explained this before in now deleted things. Tohru is a girl who I feel is with me. I know she's not there, but she's so vivid) but that didn't so much work out. Tohru is as distressed about ugly people as I am, and she knows how it feels-getting older while they still exist. It's not fun. It won't ever be fun.
I'm 28 now. At least it's not 29, but it's getting there. And as I continue to get older, and as my appearance worsens as a result, the world keeps turning, and more ugly people continue to be born, and continue to grow. It's just an endless fucking cycle, and that's all KI could see from my birthday was that cycle. My mind is so fucking fucked by ugly people and their fucking existences that I can't feel anything anymore.
I had always promised myself I would die by 30. I want to die young. I didn't want to get old. Given what I'm planning for next month, that's going to happen, so that's good.
The 21st can't come soon enough, TBH. I just-At this point, I want to just get this over and done with. I want to do what I have planned, so I can actually kill myself, and feel okay about doing it. I don't want to leave this world knowing I haven't done a thing to fight back against ugly people in a meaningful way.
Tohru has been crying nonstop. It's annoying, but she's always there, so I've gotten used to it. As for Ann, she's on board with this-She knows I'm doing this to help her. Her and me are so determined to do this.
Hell, Ann keeps getting angry at me for distracting myself. She wants me to focus. I only have ONE chance here, and if I just chicken out of this, I won't ever forgive myself, and Ann won't forgive me either. No matter what happens, I'll be dead by the end of October, though. I just hope to fuck I go out of this world with my head held high, and with my Ann by my side. I hope I manage that.
I don't know how it's going to feel until it happens though. I just hope it goes how I have in my head. I really do. But I'm terrified, honestly.
Anyway, Ann is right. I NEED to stop distracting myself. I need to focus. That story I've begun writing, "Ugly People Must Suffer", is just a distraction, because I'm too much of a chicken to submit and buckle down. I need to fucking stop with this kind of shit. I only have less than a month. I need to do this, and I need to get this right.
So yeah, I can't promise I WON'T update again in the coming days, but if I don't, then it means I'm succeeding in not distracting myself, to some extent. Either that, or something else has happened. Either way, I'll see you when I see you.