Warning: Minor character death and discussions of drug abuse.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" Dean asked, peering over the door he just opened. He had no idea why the Captain asked for him, there was no hint of what was going on; and he had no idea if it was good or bad.

"Get in and shut the door, will ya? You're letting the draft in." Captain Singer grumbled, rummaging over the piles of papers that were on his desk. He seemed like the type of a person to hoard old books and everything that might contain information of any sort. His desk was littered with papers and files, but he normally seemed to know exactly where everything was. Ignoring Dean, the Captain continued to grumble and Dean had a feeling it was about good old Rufus again. "That damn idjit, thinking he can come in here and mess up my system, I should have him demoted down to the evidence locker…"

"Anything I can do to help?"

"Nah, just have a seat, I just gotta find the new file officer Turner dropped off." Dean couldn't help but chuckle as the Captain sneered, but when he moved the chair to do as ordered, he found it was currently occupied by a file folder. Picking it up, Dean offered it to the Captain. "This what you're looking for, sir?"

"That slimy little… Gimme that!" Dean handed the file over, lifting his hands up in mock surrender, smiling, and the Captain scoffed at him then sat down and opened the file. Dean followed suit. He sat there and watched as the Captain skimmed the file, his frown deepening with every new page. When he came to the end, he sighed and flipped it closed before looking up at Dean.

"I know you got a lot on your plate with yer school and exams, but I was hoping you could help the Feds with this one? They've been after this drug dealer for a while and supposedly, he's moved to our town, but it's only speculation. Those idiots couldn't catch a field mouse if the damn thing presented itself for them," he grumbled as he handed Dean the file who immediately flipped it open.

"James Otis AKA Famine? Who names these people?"

"Beats me! Probably some young dimwit, sitting in his nice office, in his nice suit and thinking about spinning a good story. I don't know who is worse – those reporters who come up with these names, or the Feds who keep using them." Dean nodded, agreeing.

"Apparently, he is selling some new Japanese stuff that'll make you highly addicted to it. CPH4, I think it's called." Dean had never heard of the stuff, but it didn't matter. Working with the Feds was always difficult, they could get all high and mighty and thought the locals to be territorial. But of course he would do it, help out if he could.

After discussing the case a little and making arrangements, Captain let Dean off so that he could catch his early appointment with Dr. Murphy. At first Dean thought the guys at the precinct would give him shit for talking to the doc, but when no one batted an eye, Dean felt more comfortable going to see him.

"Come in Dean, take a seat." Dr. Murphy motioned for the chair opposite of him, a small smile on his face. "I heard you have been given another big case, congratulations."

Dean felt a little confused as to how the doc knew about this as he had just exited the Captain's office minutes ago, but seeing the expression on Dr. Murphy's face told him everything Dean needed to know. The Captain consulted with him before bringing Dean in.

"Thanks." A part of him wanted to feel offended, but he knew it was normal. It has been over two months since the shooting, and Dean had been out of the cast and back to work for two weeks; of course the Captain needed to check. He might have put him on an easier case, but he probably hadn't expected the Famine file to come across his desk, and Dean always had the most luck when it came to such high profile cases. Luck, because it certainly wasn't all skill that led Dean to solve these things. Exhibit A - April and Dr. Roger Green.

Despite all of what happened, and all of the things Dr. Murphy knew about him, he still recommended, or at least agreed that Dean take on the case. It was oddly comforting and Dean hoped it could mean that he wasn't as messed up as he thought he was.

"You seem different today. Relaxed. Content." Dr. Murphy noted and Dean couldn't help but smile, promptly feeling a little blush creep up to his cheek.

"I guess I am. Things…things are good," he replied and the doc returned his smile, looking back at him expectedly. He wanted to know about it. Dean huffed a slightly nervous laugh. There were a few things that made him, dare he say it, happy, but some of them were a little more private than the others.

"I,um…talked to Sammy yesterday. He's been hinting that he and Jess are discussing moving here after she completes her residency and apparently, they found some options at the Saint Louise Regional Hospital. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I can't help it." Sammy coming to town was one of the reasons his mood was a lot better lately. As he told Dr. Murphy before, renewing their relationship was one of the best things to have happened. Weeks of simply talking, about anything and nothing–it really helped. Sometimes it was just about the past, some old memories they shared or some of the things that happened after Sam left. Fewer and fewer were pleasant ones as time moved along, but somewhere along the way, they offered each other sympathies and regrets that they couldn't have been there for each other.

On a few rare occasions, there was blame. Sometimes they ended up in a shouting match, hanging up on one another, but they would dutifully pick up the phone either the next day or when they calmed down enough to talk it over.

"That's great news. I know how much you miss your brother, and having another person to rely on and to talk to, especially about your past is good for you. The two of you have no one else that can relate to the things you have been through as children." Dr. Murphy commented and Dean nodded. He had long ago told the doc about John's regime and the way he would drag them all over the country. asked openly if their father had ever abused them, and Dean denied it. He had never hit them while in rage or drunk, but he did force them to learn how to fight and get out of tight situations and while Dean didn't consider it to be abuse, Dr. Murphy didn't agree.

Still, he claimed that the lack of stability in their childhood also affected them, the lack of a proper home and the absence of a loving, caring parent made them build walls and push everyone away, eventually each other too. Dean couldn't really argue with that.

"Don't feel like talking about John right now." He was in a good mood, he didn't want to ruin it by discussing his father.

"Alright, fair enough. What about Castiel? How is he doing?"

"Good, Cas is um…he's doing alright. I talked him into trying to talk to the therapist you suggested, Gail, um…"

"Gail Damm." Dr. Murphy supplied.

"That's the one. She, um…seems nice. I took him for his first session last Monday and he had another one on Friday. He, um… Seems okay so far." Logically, Dean knew there would be times when Cas would be shaken by whatever he spoke about with Gail, maybe even angry at him or would just want to be left alone, Dr. Murphy had warned him about that. Told him it might be difficult to know what Cas might need, but that he should be there for him, to support him and be patient. Dr. Murphy also told him he too should consider talking to Gail as she was more qualified than him, but Dean dismissed the idea. He was doing okay.

"Glad to hear it. I must admit I am rooting for you two. You really seem good for each other."

"Thanks, doc," Dean replied with a smile, his thoughts drifting to the man his heart belonged to. He felt so lucky to have someone like Cas in his life, to have someone who cared about him as much as he cared about them and to share his life with. Their relationship was growing, evolving and it felt good to know it was strong enough to withstand any waves life might throw at them, as long as they were willing to talk and work on it.

"We, um… Kinda made some progress last night…" Dean trailed off a little, not sure why he wanted to share this with Dr. Murphy. He and Cas talked about it after Dean woke up and he did admit it all felt kind of weird (he had been using that word a lot), but ultimately not bad. Certainly didn't hurt, as he expected it would. Was just a little uncomfortable at first. But then…

The doc was giving him an expectant look and Dean realized he would have to explain what he meant by progress. Why did he want to share this with him? It was so embarrassing, and yet… "We had…p-penetrative sex. With me on the receiving end."

"Alright. I take it that was a first for you?"

"Yeah, first for me. And for us. In general." Dean felt his cheeks heat up and he tried to huff a laugh, to hide how nervous he was being, even though he wasn't sure there was anything to be nervous about. Not like Dr. Murphy would judge him.

"Oh. So a big step, huh?" the doc offered and that was that, wasn't it? It was kind of a big deal for them. Dean trusted Cas won't hurt him. He trusted Cas.

"Yeah…" Dean replied absentmindedly, eyes darting across the floor as he considered just what all that meant for them as a couple. Finally, he looked up to see the doc patiently waiting for him. "It's a trust thing, isn't it? Cas, he, um…took care of me and I…I trusted him not to hurt me, not to… To stop if I needed him to." Not to mention he had been confident Cas had only wanted to make him feel good, the proof of that had been his own jizz spread all over his stomach.

"And I want him to trust me too." As soon as the thought was formed, it simply flew out of his mouth, unbidden. But it was the truth. Not about Dean wanting this, but about Cas already…knowing Dean won't do anything to make him feel bad, muchless hurt him in any way. And he wanted to give that trust to Dean, the few times before, when he mentioned them doing this, but with Cas on the other end. Huh.

"I just love it when my patients work things out by themselves. Makes me a bit redundant, but I'd like to think I still helped," the doc joked, making Dean laugh. The fact was, he was feeling pretty good today and this realization only served to make him feel even better, lighter and happier. He understood now, understood that having sex in this way, or better yet, making love, was not just about physically, intimately connecting to the other person, but deepening their bond.

He was still a little apprehensive about returning the favor, but not completely against it now as he was before.

"I gotta say, Dean, I am really glad the two of you are doing so well. In my line of work I have seen a lot of relationships bloom on a physical level, but not emotional, not in such a positive direction anyway. It is rare these days to see two people willing to work on their relationship, but also on themselves individually, and I believe that, as long as the two of you keep this up, that you might even get that mystical 'happily ever after'." Dean laughed again at the cheesy movie line, but hope bloomed inside of him at the named prospect.

Could it really be? Could he really get to have that?

He most certainly didn't feel like he deserved it, but he had learned that there was a difference between what he thought, what he felt and what life had instored for him. But if he really was to be given this chance, he would make damn sure to seize it, to make it work. Maybe he didn't deserve it, but Cas certainly did and Dean would do anything to make him happy.

Two days after he was assigned the Famine case, he got his first call. The Fed that was the lead on the case was a chubby and strangely cheery guy named Lex C. Medlin and Dean learned first hand that the guy was a hugger. It was really weird, to be greeted in such a way and to even be given a quick embrace and a pat on the back for a goodbye, but that was Agent Medlin for you.

The guy called him saying they had the first possible victim and after giving Dean the location, he said he would wait for him there. Turned out, it was an old industrial complex, an abandoned army ammunition plant. There was a heavy scent as Dean approached, the place probably still contaminated with explosive residue, heavy metals and other chemicals. The officers taped off a wide area just so that they could be as far away from the inside as possible and Dean wondered if he was going to need a gas mask or something.

As it turned out, he would wish he had one. Inside, the scent of chemicals was covered with the smell of urine, feces and alcohol. There was so much trash around, a lot of it empty bottles of various types of drinks, from the cheap beer and vomit-inducing vodka to some classy stuff like Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels. Yet it was the fancy stuff that seemed to be freshly added to the scene, lacking dirt and spider webs. Next to that, there were some cables scattered around, a bit of broken red and green glass, or was that plastic?

Someone had hosted a rave here.

"Dean!" a very cheerful voice called out, echoing in the vast empty building and making everyone wince. Agent Medlin hastily walked over to him, arms already spreading wide. Other people on the scene were already stifling laughs, but Dean just rolled his eyes and welcomed the man in his embrace. It was a manly hug, the guy didn't linger or anything, so it was okay. If it made him happy to go around hugging people, who was Dean to stop him?

"Alright, alright," Dean returned the pat on the back and pulled away as quickly as he could. "What have we got?"

"Female, calcausian, mid thirties. OD-ed what really looks like CPH4. Got the blue specs in her eyes and all." Agent Medlin replied as he led Dean to the group of people surrounding a body. There was an office there, and two forensics, one taking pictures, the other gathering evidence from around the body. Thing was, people didn't really overdose on CPH4, it was more like they had a bad reaction to it and the result was death. Like drinking a bottle of bleach or something. Nobody figured out yet why it was deadly to some while only affecting brain chemistry in others, giving them a sense of floating and what they described as 'outer body experience'.

It was very easy to identify a person that was high on CPH4 - aside from sparkling blue specs in the irises of their eyes, there was also a discoloration of their major veins and arteries, those would get this deep dark blue color, as if they were bruises. Once the effect of the drug dissipated, so did the blue on the user's body. Unless it killed them, then the changes were permanent.

Dean was ready to see a body with blue marks all over their hands, neck and face. He was not ready to see a familiar face looking back at him with dull, lifeless eyes that still sparkled with a hint of blue.

"Oh, crap."

"Did you know her?" Agent Medlin asked, reading Dean's reaction perfectly.

"Yeah. Ruby. She was…a friend of an ex." Medlin patted him on the back and it was actually a little comforting, but Dean still couldn't help the concerned thoughts that entered his mind. Was Bela here? Did she take the stuff? Was she ok?

Despite everything that happened between them and with Cas, Dean still cared about her and was worried. Thankfully, Medlin allowed him a few moments to process what he was seeing. Dean knew he had to explain his connection to the victim.

"Her name is–was Ruby. Don't have a last name. She was a friend of my ex girlfriend, Bela Talbot. Last time I saw either of them was… Fuck, it was over two years ago, at my old house. Last time I spoke to Bela, Ruby was with her. That day I came home to find them both gone, Bela's clothes and stuff all gone. Haven't heard from her since."

He knew that, if anyone was to look more closely at the information he provided, there was a pretty good chance they would find out that there was a kidnapping involved. Of Dean's current boyfriend nonetheless. But Dean didn't feel nervous or afraid, he actually felt rather calm about it. People would look at him differently, that was a fact, but if the truth came out… Dean thought he would feel relieved. Maybe he should come clean?

That evening, as he and Cas prepared dinner together, working side by side, Dean tried to figure out the way to broach the subject. Despite the fact that the two of them talked about it over and over, both of them coming to terms with what the other felt and thought at the time, it still bothered him. Which was natural, of course, he did hurt Cas, even indirectly. He would always carry some of that guilt, no matter how many times Cas tried to persuade him that he had forgiven him and that Dean actually saved him and made his life better.

"...and Gabriel made pie with mud and cigarette ash, and everyone loved it…" Cas talked and Dean hummed and nodded along, thoughts far away from this conversation.

"Alright, what's going on?" Cas sounded concerned and it snapped Dean out of his musings. He sighed, then offered Cas a small smile. Best get straight to it, right?

"We found Ruby's body today. It seems she was at an unregistered party and took some drugs that…well, that killed her."

"Oh," was the only thing Cas said, but Dean could tell, the man had no idea how he was supposed to react to that. Ruby was, after all, one if the people that outright tortured him, but being glad someone was dead… In an effort to take his mind off Ruby herself, Dean got to what was really bothering him.

"I had to tell them I knew her. Had to tell Medlin that she was Bela's friend. He didn't ask about how we parted ways and why Bela left, but it still got me thinking… You think I should tell them?"

Cas seemed confused. "Tell who what?"

"Tell the Feds, or at least the Captain what happened with you and me and Bela?" The notion seemed to startle Cas; a reaction Dean was not expecting. In that scenario, he was the victim and he should be happy, or at least relieved to get his tormentors before the face of justice. At least to have someone acknowledge what he went through, that it was bad and that it shouldn't have happened.

But Cas didn't seem so inclined to the idea.

"Is it…is it something that you'd like to do? I mean, is it bothering you, to keep that a secret?" Cas finally asked after a few minutes of him mauling it over. Took a few for Dean to reply to that too.

"Um, no? I don't think so? Not sure." He eventually shrugged it off. It always seemed more like Cas' story to tell, if he ever wanted to. Even if he did feel guilt over what happened, he would never say a word to anyone if Cas didn't want him to, if he thought people would treat him differently or if it was, for the lack of a better word, too embarrassing for him.

"I think it would just complicate things unnecessarily," Cas said, turning his whole body towards Dean. "You and me, we have dealt with it, and we are still dealing with it. We don't… We don't need anyone else getting involved, getting between us or telling us how we should feel or act."

"But we told Sam and he didn't–" Cas's hand cupped his cheek, stopping Dean's words. Gazing deeply into Dean's eyes, he took a calm breath and released it, causing Dean to do the same.

"Sam understands. He knows you and he knows how it affected you. He knows things aren't always black and white. If you really want to, if it is bothering you, then yes, you have my blessings to share it with whoever you'd like. But if not… It can stay between us."

Dean searched his eyes, but he could not spot a hint of a lie. Cas was really okay with keeping it all a secret, still. Maybe one day, they would tell somebody else beside Jess and Sam. Maybe someday, all the people in their lives would find out, at least those that mattered. But that didn't need to happen now or any time soon. And Dean found that he was okay with that too.

He leaned in, capturing Cas' lips in a chaste kiss, just enough to feel their warmth. It was reassuring.

"You're worried about Bela?" Dean huffed, ducking his head. Cas knew him too well.

"I'm sorry, I know what she's done–"

"You cared about her, you can't flip a switch and not feel anymore. I understand. And… Despite everything…I hope she's okay." Dean suddenly remembered how Cas dealt with April and he knew that Cas sympathized with Bela too. Jimmy had hurt them both. But still, to be able to set his own emotions aside like that…

"You're a saint, you know that."

"Only out of bed." Cas relied with mock pride and Dean couldn't help but laugh, letting Cas' words distract him from his concerns. Still after a minute or so, his thoughts drifted to Bela again.

"I hope she's okay, too."