Chapter Eight

It is late in the evening when I finally exit the mechanical shed. Owen had grown tired with my "lessons" minutes earlier and had gratefully retired to the house to bid the family good night. I consider lingering longer after he's left, but I know I can't put off this conversation with Padme' indefinitely.

However, when I round the corner and head for the house, I find Padme' already there waiting for me. The determined set of her jaw makes it very evident that she's had an idea similar to mine. Clearly, the decision is out of my hands now. She's already made up her mind push for this confrontation. Reckoning has come whether I'm ready for it or not. I square my shoulders, take a deep breath, prepare to face her head on.

"Are you ready to talk to me now?" she demands crisply, "Or do you plan to continue this avoidance dance you've been doing with me for the last day and a half?"

"No more dancing," I sigh, "We should talk."

She appears surprised by my surrender, momentarily deflated of her bluster. Her cautious skepticism reverberates back at me through the Force, as if she's reluctant to trust my sudden acquiesce. And then she inclines her head in a silent nod before falling into step beside me. We walk together in companionable silence. The desert air is cool, bordering on frigid. Even in the pale light reflected off the glowing blanket of stars above, I can detect the fine gooseflesh that has begun to rise on Padme's exposed skin. Without a word, I remove my cloak and drape it over her shoulders.

"Thank you," she murmurs, "I can't get used to how mercilessly hot it is during the day here and how brutally cold it is at night."

"Oh, the joys of living on a desert planet. Nothing like Naboo at all with all its greenery and wildflowers."

She chances a startled glance up at me. "It sounds as if my home planet really made an impression on you."

"That wasn't the only thing about Naboo that made an impression," I reply.

We gradually fall into silence as the moisture farm behind us begins to shrink from view. Even from the short distance we've walked, however, the low, rhythmic hum of the homestead's generator could be heard in the quiet. It is a sharp contrast to the violent turmoil currently rolling around inside my gut. I know what I must do, but the idea of going through with it feels unbearable. I shouldn't be surprised by the struggle, however. I've never been very good about letting go of my attachments, especially to her.

But, at the same time, my reluctance feels like weakness, a shortcoming that I thought Vader had rooted out long ago. The one thing I have always admired about my homicidal alter ego was his unwavering ability to do what needed to be done. Nothing would stay his hand. He would do what others wouldn't…what they couldn't, whatever was necessary to achieve his goals. I need to channel that same energy now.

Then again, I suppose it's a good thing to have that sort of steely determination when your goals are noble. Not so much when you're steeped in evil. The one thing I don't recall about acting with such resolve, even when I had acted with virtuous intentions, is the incredible pain that comes with doing the right thing. That is new. Earlier that afternoon, my mother had predicted that I would break Padme's heart. I wonder if she had also realized that I would be breaking my own as well.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Padme' cries suddenly, stopping abruptly and spinning to face me.

I stop as well and regard her with a neutral expression. "I was waiting for you to begin."

"Why? I already know what you're going to say," she snaps, "so, I wish you would just spit it out and be done with it! Admit it! You regret kissing me yesterday!"

"I don't regret it."

She's not expecting that answer. Whatever blustery argument she was planning to launch next appears to die on her lips. Clearly taken aback, she stares up at me with wide, luminous eyes. They sparkle brilliantly in the darkness. "You…you don't?"

"No. In fact, I want to kiss you again. I never want to stop kissing you, Padme'." I quickly hold up my hand to stave her off when she would have closed the distance between us, making it plain to me that she is amenable to that idea. "But I can't," I finish quietly.

She huffs in frustration, her delicate jaw set tight. "Anakin, you're making me dizzy with all these mixed signals! You want to kiss me, but you can't! You do kiss me, but then you push me away! Why are you doing this to me? What is it that you want?"

"I want you to be safe!"

"Am I not? I thought that was the entire reason you had been assigned as my protector in the first place!" I don't immediately reply but I'm sure the answer to her question is easily readable on my features. It must be because she falters a bit, trembles. "This isn't about the assassination attempt that was made on my life, is it?" she deduces quietly.

"No. It's not."

"Is it about the future…about what you've seen in your vision…?"

"Padme', I—,"

"—Is this why you refuse to talk to me about it?" she demands, steamrolling my reply.

"Partly. But there's a great deal more at stake than just us."

"So, there is an us. We're together in the future you've seen?"

"Yes. We were married."

"Were?" she echoes, quickly zeroing in on my use of past tense, "Are you saying we don't stay married? Something bad happens?"

I incline my head in a terse nod. "Something terrible."

"Like what?"

Her name escapes my lips in a pained wheeze as I feel my chest constrict with the prospect of telling her the truth. "This isn't an easy thing to tell you." Any hope that I had that I could do this with minimal emotional fallout fizzles like a drop of water in the desert heat. Not when her expression is so full of earnest compassion for me, sympathy and patience I don't deserve. I can't even look at her.

"Anakin, what could possibly be so horrible?" she laughs lightly but in a way that makes it clear she knows something horrible is coming. How could she not when I'm practically writhing in anguish right in front of her? "So, what? We have a falling out? We break up? Does it not end well between us? What could possibly be so terrible that you keep pushing me away like this?"

"Padme', do you honestly think I would be pushing you away if it were that simple?"

"I don't understand why you're doing this at all," she flares in frustration, "I love you, Anakin. I know that sounds foolish to say after four days, but I do. There is a connection I feel to you that I can't completely explain. I thought after what happened between us earlier that you…" She lifts wet, wounded eyes to regard me with naked emotion. "Do you not feel for me what I feel for you?"

Our sudden role reversal is not lost on me. I'm not sure how we've even managed to switch places in this scenario. In that original timeline, I had been the one to boldly forge ahead and pursue her without apology or regard for the consequences. She, on the other hand, had been unwilling to be swept away in romantic sentiment. She had been determined to keep level-headed, to keep us grounded in reality right up until the threat of literal death.

Now that we've traded places, I can empathize with the anguish it must have caused her to deny me. At the time, I hadn't been able to see past my own feelings of frustration, rejection and resentment for the constraints that held us both back to consider what negating her feelings for me was costing her. I try to keep all of that in mind as I deal with Padme' now.

"You know that I love you, Padme'," I confess to her gently, "I've loved you since I was a little boy. That will never change."

"Then why can't we be together? If we love each other then it should be simple! You already said that you have no intention of remaining in the Order. That shouldn't be an obstacle for us!"

"My being a Jedi is the least of the reasons we can't be together!"

"Because I'm a senator then? Is that what drives us apart in the future? Our differing political views?"

"It has nothing to do with politics!" I cry in frustration, "I'm no good for you at all!"

"Why do you keep saying that? What did you see that has you constantly holding me at arm's length?"

"You're in danger!"

"From what? Who?"

"From me!" I yell, my words reverberating out over the desert landscape to be swallowed by the night. Finally, I have her attention and she is silent. I inhale a sharp, steadying breath, hoping to calm my frayed nerves. "You're in danger from me, Padme'," I say again in a quieter tone, "In the future I've seen…I'm…I'm going to kill you."

The words feel as if they have been wrenched from my chest along with my heart, but I make no attempt to backpedal. I can't. She wanted the truth after all, and I am going to give it to her. Stark, unvarnished and ugly.

I expect her to dissolve into tears right then, to weep and wail and crumble under the revelation, but she shocks me when she snorts scornfully instead. "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"I'm telling you the truth."

"Anakin, you're not going to kill me," she scoffs again, "That's…that's utterly insane! You're wrong. Your vision is wrong!"

"You asked me what happens! That's what happens!"

"No!" she cries, "NO! That is not possible! You could never hurt me! I don't believe it."

"I can. I do!"

"Stop it!" she cries, "Stop saying that to me! That is not true! You would never do that!"

"But I did, Padme'. It happened. I attacked you and you…you died."

She clamps her hands over her ears, shaking her head wildly in a vain attempt to drown out my words. "No! I don't want to hear this! I don't want to hear anymore!"

I reach for her, gently but insistently tugging away her hands even as she fights me. "It's the truth," I whisper with a broken sob, "I wish that it wasn't, but it is. It is."

Padme' whips from my hold, glowering up at me like she can't fathom who I am at all, can't reconcile what she's hearing with what she believes. I've been in this place with her before. She has looked at me the same way that night on Mustafar when I destroyed every good sentiment that she'd ever held about me. At least this time around she hasn't invested three years of her life into a marriage that would ultimately destroy her. It is a small consolation…

"I don't understand," she weeps, "What could possibly…how could you…why would you…?"

"I turned to the dark side. You were pregnant and I was having terrible dreams that you would die in childbirth. They consumed me. I became obsessed with saving your life. I…I thought if I embraced dark power that I could save you…"

She looks up at me with dead eyes. "And?"

"And I did unspeakable things to harness that power."

"Things like what?"

"It doesn't matter now."

She warbles a high, bubbling laugh that borders on hysterical. "You are telling me that you murder me in the future! What could possibly be more 'unspeakable' than that, Anakin?"

"You're not the only person that I kill, Padme'. I betray everything and everyone."

Her slender frame is shaking uncontrollably. She's never appeared more fragile to me than she does right now. She lifts a trembling hand to her mouth, her features devoid of color. "So, you acquired this dark power to save me and then what? You changed your mind and decided to kill me instead?"

"No, I…I thought you had betrayed me."

"You thought I had betrayed you?" she spits, "How does that work, Anakin?"

"Because you led Obi-Wan to me…you brought him to kill me. And I attacked you."

In my mind's eyes, I can clearly see the events of that wretched night as I recount them to her. I can distinctly recall the fear in her eyes, the unbelievable heartbreak. Those same emotions are being reflected at me now. I'm reliving it all again and it feels excruciating. And so, I'm compelled to do what I've yearned to do for the past ten years. I try to make atonement for my actions, to beg her forgiveness…

"I never wanted to hurt you," I sob, "I wasn't trying to kill you, Padme'. I was so angry and I…I just lost control. It wasn't what I wanted…never…"

She doesn't appear comforted by the reassurance, and I don't really expect her to be. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say to that, Anakin."

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"

"This is very bizarre," she mutters, more to herself than to me. She looks so lost right now, thoroughly shaken…like she's trying to regain her footing on rapidly shifting ground. "I can't make sense of this. You're apologizing to me for things that haven't even happened yet. I can't even imagine what you're describing to me right now. None of it seems real…"

"It's real to me. I see it every time I close my eyes."

"And our child?" she wonders dully. "You said that I was pregnant. What became of our child then?"

"Dead with you."

"You attacked me when I was pregnant?"

I'm too ashamed to look at her when I nod in confirmation. She groans and doubles over then, suddenly emptying bile mixed with the lingering remnant of her dinner onto the rocky, desert floor. She gags and dry heaves until she has nothing left, but I don't make a move to get any nearer to her. I remain rooted in place, knowing that she does not want my comfort and that I don't deserve to give it either.

"Now do you see why we can't be together?"

Finally, she straightens, swiping the back of her hand across her mouth. When she looks at me again there is acceptance and wariness in her eyes. And something else…something I can't quite name, but seeing it causes me tremble uncontrollably, nonetheless. "When is all of this supposed to happen?"

"It would have been three years from now."

"Would have been?"

"I'll die before I let that happen again, Padme'."

"You're changing it?" I jerk a nod, licking at the tears that have begun to collect in the corners of my mouth. Her expression softens a little and she takes a tentative step closer to me. I regard her advance warily. "So…what you've seen…that doesn't have to be our future at all?"

I can see what she's doing. She's trying to latch on to any hope that she can, grasping desperately for a reason not to hate me. But I refuse to let her absolve me. Not this time and never again.

"Padme', I've told you this before, but you wouldn't listen. You need to listen to me now. I am not a good person. I will only bring you pain."

"The only pain you're causing me is this moment right now," she argues, gesturing between us, "You're punishing yourself, punishing me for…for something that hasn't even happened…that won't happen…!"

"You deserve better than what I can give you! Can't you see that?" I throw up my hands in a flash of irritation with her. "I can't even promise you that I would never hurt you because I know that I'm capable of it. If I did it once, who's to say I wouldn't again? I can't trust myself to keep you safe!"

"I trust you to do it!" she argues tenaciously, "Doesn't that count for anything?"

"You don't get it! For you, this is just a possible future, an unfortunate end that we can somehow avoid with foreknowledge," I intone thickly, "For me, I've lived this, Padme'! I know what I am now, and I know that I can't be with you."

"But that future hasn't happened yet! It doesn't have to happen. We could be happy together! We could change it all!"

"It is not that simple. I am broken in ways that I cannot possibly make you understand. I need to fix myself before I can even contemplate having a future at all, especially with you."

She lifts her chin haughtily. "So, you're going to reject me and what we could be together for a future that isn't written yet, one that you are actively trying to change? That makes sense to you?"

"I'm not rejecting you," I refute in an unwavering tone, "I'm saving you."

"It's funny, Anakin," she considers, her words deceptively calm, "with all that I know about you, I never once imagined that you would be a coward." She shrugs out from beneath my cloak and hands it back to me, her features remote. "Thank you. But I don't think I shall be requiring your services any longer, Padawan Skywalker."

I watch her walk back towards the house, her silhouette growing smaller and smaller on the horizon until she disappears from my view entirely. For a long time, I stand there with my Jedi robe dangling loosely from my fingers, uncertain of what I should do next. I could return to the Lars' house and continue to play out this painful farce to its bitter conclusion or I could turn on my heel, disappear into the night and never look back. I'm leaning heavily towards the latter option when my commlink suddenly trills with an incoming message.

It seems there is to be more reckoning ahead for me this night. I hesitate only briefly before I decide I won't be avoiding this one either. Swallowing heavily, I accept the message. A parsec later, Obi-Wan's glowing blue visage bathes a three-foot radius around me in ghostly light.

"Master," I greet him hoarsely, "I trust you've found what you were looking for." Even by holographic image, his agitation is easily detectable. He smooths his shaking hand over his beard.

"More like what you sent me here to find," he says, "I suppose you already know what's being kept here on Kamino, don't you?"

"Yes. A clone army."

"Anakin, none of this makes sense! How could you possibly know that?"

"I know a great deal more than you realize."

"This is well beyond a simple vision, padawan," he says, "I sense there is much you are not telling me."

"Let us change that, shall we? Are you still coming to Tatooine like we discussed?"

"I'm in route now," he replies, "I should be there shortly."

"Good. I will see you soon."