Chapter Ten

"Most disturbing news this is. Most disturbing."

Yoda is, unsurprisingly, the first master present to recover his power of speech and break the resounding silence that follows my incredible revelation that the Sith lord they have been hunting for the last decade has been right in front of them the entire time. I imagine the news is a blow to their collective pride. But while they are stupefied and left sputtering in the aftermath of all I've revealed to them, I am oddly composed. Calm. Very unlike me.

While retelling the circumstances of my fall to the dark side to Padme' and Obi-Wan had induced such terrible anxiety in me that I had agonized about it for days, exposing the truth to the Jedi High Council felt strangely like liberation. The mask, as it were, had finally fallen away and I could reveal my true face to them. I can't remember a single time in my life when I've stood before this Council and not concealed some part of myself from them.

Even when I was a child, before Padme' and the sand people, I had shielded my inner conflict, my uncertainty about my place in the Order from them. I'd never felt like I belonged with them, but I had been careful to keep my insecurity a secret from everyone. But I stand before them now proud and unapologetic, taking full ownership of who I am and what I want. No longer was I beholden to Order and their sanctimonious code of ethics. Never again would I have to scrouge pathetically for recognition and acceptance from them.

I was free to decide my own future now, to write my own rules. And while that future seems perilous and uncertain at the moment, "clouded" as Master Yoda often said, I am filled with burgeoning anticipation for whatever comes next. Because whatever it is will finally be on my terms.

Following Yoda's statement, the other masters begin to find their tongues as well. Predictably, Windu is the first to voice his opinion. His manner as gruff and unwelcoming as ever, he says, "So, let me understand this, padawan Skywalker. You are foretelling a galactic war that will rage for more than three years, the fall of the Galactic Republic and the complete purge of the Jedi Order. And you make all these claims without offering this Council a single shred of proof? What do you expect us to do with this information?"

"With all due respect, Master Windu, I don't care what you do with it. The only reason I'm here is because I gave Obi-Wan my word that I would warn you. I've done that. What you do now is your own affair."

Off to my right, I can see Obi-Wan cringe in response to my insubordinate tone and, in typical fashion, he rushes to smooth things over. "Anakin, please!" he sighs, "There is no need to be antagonistic. It's understandable that the Council would have questions."

"Questions I can tolerate," I reply flatly, "But if they're going to doubt me entirely, I can go."

"Dismiss you, we have not," Yoda tells me.

"Does it matter? Clearly, this is a complete waste of my time! I already knew you wouldn't believe me!"

Master Ki Adi Mundi chooses that moment to add his own thoughts to the discussion. I have always respected deeply him despite our philosophical disagreements. "Young Skywalker," he begins in his most pragmatic tone, "you can hardly fault the Council for being cautious. You did just reveal that, in addition to hailing from the future, that you've spent the last ten years of your life living as a Sith lord. If that is true, how can we be certain you're not leading us into a trap?"

"What could I possibly have to gain from that?"

"That is what we're trying to discover," Ki Adi Mundi replies.

Once more, Obi-Wan self-appoints himself as an agent for diplomacy, a negotiator to the bitter end. "Masters, please," he implores, "Surely you can agree that something quite significant is happening here. A mere five rotations ago, Anakin was a Jedi padawan and today he is claiming to be a former Sith lord! I know that you all can sense the difference in him! Perhaps it would serve well us to consider why this is happening, why the Force would even allow this at all!"

While I appreciate his willingness to argue on my behalf, I also wish that he would drop the matter altogether, especially when Master Saesee Tiin decides to add his own voice to the verbal fray.

"Have we considered the possibility that he may be…unwell mentally?" he asks carefully, "This could very well be a consequence of too much stress for the boy."

I almost tell him right then that he's among the first of the Jedi to die at Sidious' hand, but I wisely hold my tongue. I know antagonizing them won't help. Unfortunately, my rationality on the matter only lasts a parsec. I'm right back to feeling spiteful again when Mace Windu chimes in next.

"Skywalker has always been unstable," he considers, as if I'm not even standing there, "It's a possibility we should consider."

At that point I completely lose the precarious hold have on my temper and snap, "I'm not insane! I am simply offering you a chance at survival! If you choose not to take it, that is no great loss for me!"

Windu's eyes narrow into a dangerous glare. "Is that a threat, Skywalker?"

I casually stroke the hilt of my lightsaber, itching to ignite it. "Take it however you like, master."

"Enough!" Master Yoda bellows gruffly before the altercation can devolve further, "Sense deception in young Skywalker, I do not! Sense instability, I do not! Surrounds him the dark side does, but the truth, he speaks to us now."

I don't know whether I should be grateful for his endorsement or frustrated because his words only reinforce the Council's general reluctance to trust what I've told them. "Master Yoda, despite what you sense in me, I am not a threat to you! Chancellor Palpatine is!"

I'm barely finished speaking when Master Tiin interjects, "According to everything you've said, we should be at war right now. So far nothing of the sort has happened. It seems to me that this might be your attempt to strengthen the Chancellor's push for a grand army. Everyone here is aware of your close relationship with him."

Obi-Wan is exploding with denials before I can even get in a word. "Saesee, that cannot be further from the truth!" he snaps, "Anakin wants to help neutralize Palpatine, not join him!"

Mace Windu snorts. "And yet, that is exactly what he claims to have done."

"Meditate on this matter, we should," Yoda advises wearily, "Much to consider, we have."

Windu rakes me with a scathing glance. "And what of Skywalker? What are we to do about him?"

"Decide his fate we will after we have dealt with the Chancellor," Yoda determines.

Their assumption that they can dictate the course of my life at time of their choosing is what snaps my last fragile hold on patience. I've finally had enough. "There's no need for you to decide anything, masters," I tell the Council with deep satisfaction, "I will make this easy for you. I am officially resigning from the Jedi Order."

As expected, a low murmur of dissatisfaction and dissent begins to erupt within the chambers, but Yoda lifts his hand for silence. "A rash decision this is, young Skywalker," he warns, "Await the Council's judgment, you should."

"Respectfully, Master Yoda, I have had quite enough of this Council's judgment." I produce a small knife, which I had stored in my utility belt earlier for this precise moment, and without hesitation reach up and sever my padawan braid in one clean swipe. "It's done now…and so am I."

Briefly, I contemplate the braid in my hand. I feel a momentary pang of regret as I do that, but I immediately chase away. On Mustafar, after I had killed the Separatists, I had grieved for the Jedi I had once been, the promising potential that had been lost in a haze of violence and bloodshed. In hindsight, I realize now that I had been mourning a boy that never existed. I was never going to be that Jedi. And with the understanding of that vital truth, my acceptance of it, I am finally able to let go. I let the braid fall to the ground and I walk away.

It is a glorious instant of reckoning for me, but I am not surprised that Obi-Wan doesn't view it in the same way. I have barely made it into the corridor beyond those sacred Jedi chambers before I hear his frantic boot falls behind me as he clamors to catch up. He snags hold of my arm to waylay me. I immediately tense and jerk away.

"If you've come to take my lightsaber, you're going to have to pry it from my cold, dead hands," I warn him dangerously, eyes narrowed, "Do you want to try it?"

Obi-Wan lifts his hands in cautious surrender. "I haven't come to take anything," he reassures me, "Anakin, you must see reason! Don't do this!"

The rigidity slowly seeps from my posture though I remain guarded. "It's already done, Obi-Wan. I'm at peace with it."

"Well, I'm not!" he snaps angrily, "You're making a grave mistake!"

"Perhaps. But it is mine to make."

He opens his mouth to say something but then apparently decides against voicing his thought out loud. Instead, he pauses for a few beats of silence before finally asking with a degree of grudging acceptance, "Where will you go now?"

"To Palpatine and then back to Tatooine to decide my next move…at least for now."

Obi-Wan's reaction to that is volatile and instantaneous. "Have you gone mad? You cannot possibly intend to confront the Chancellor now!" he cries in disbelief, "It would be suicide not to mention the Council would make no efforts to shield you from the repercussions!"

"Of course, I'm not going after him now!" I scoff, "I'm not a fool, Obi-Wan! But the Chancellor and I are close. He would expect me to inform him personally if I had decided to leave the Order. And so, in the interest of not raising his suspicions, I am going to do just that."

That explanation hardly reassures him, however. "Don't go to him, Anakin!" he pleads, "He will only view your leaving the Order as an opportunity to sway you."

I smile at him, unperturbed by the prospect. "Let's hope so."

As it has always been for me in the past, I have little trouble gaining an unannounced audience with the Chancellor. When I was younger, I had felt privileged and humbled that such a powerful man would set aside precious time in his busy schedule for me. The entire time, however, he had been using me for his own ends. That became abundantly clear to me soon after I was apprenticed to him. Gone was that benevolent old man who had listened to my darkest secrets and had served as my champion. In his place was a cruel master who did not countenance disobedience, whose "lessons" had always been punctuated by unimaginable pain.

It's difficult to tamp down the rage that bubbles up when I consider what an incredible fool I had been. I know that Obi-Wan is right. I can't kill him now, but the desire is so strong that it burns inside me like a violent inferno. My hatred is almost blinding. But I know I must gain the mastery over both before I see him. After all, it simply won't do for him to sense my intention to kill him before the time is right. And so, I take a few moments to calm myself before schooling my features into a mask of genial admiration and stepping inside the grand, palatial office to greet him.

"Anakin, my boy!" he greets jovially as I close the distance between us, "It is always a pleasure to see you!"

"Likewise, Excellency, but I'm afraid that this isn't a social call."

He arranges his expression into something resembling genuine concern and I'm amused by the knowledge that we are both wearing masks today. Him pretending to care about me and me pretending I believe a word that comes out of his lying mouth. I grit my teeth to keep my sneer at bay.

"You look troubled," he says, "Has something happened?"

"I have decided to leave the Jedi Order," I announce gravely, "I have already informed my master and the Council. I won't be remaining on Coruscant."

He does an admirable job of concealing his dismayed surprise though I can sense the ripple in the Force he creates as his mind races. "Oh, my goodness," he murmurs, "This is rather unforeseen." I'll bet it is, old man! "May I ask what brought about this sudden decision?"

"My mother was recently kidnapped and tortured by Tusken Raiders. They are a marauding band indigenous to my home planet. The Council didn't agree with my methods of dealing with them."

As expected, Palpatine takes the bait. His eyes gleam with something akin to pride or, perhaps, satisfaction. "Indeed? You dealt with them harshly then?"

"I…I killed them, Excellency."

"Oh?" he says again, "I suppose that is a justified response given what they did to your mother."

"Revenge is not the Jedi way."

"And yet, I sense that you do not regret your actions against these Tuskens."

I meet his eyes with an unwavering stare. "No, sir. I do not." I can sense the effort he exerts not to smile through the Force.

"I can't imagine that went over very well with the Jedi Council."

"It didn't," I confirm, "They also refused to grant me permission to care for my mother throughout her ongoing recovery. It's very important for me to be with her now. She nearly died."

"So, they've really left you with no option in the matter then?" he clucks sympathetically.

"No, my lord."

"Oh, my poor boy," he sighs in phony commiseration, "how betrayed you must feel to have received so little support from those you consider family. I'm rather disappointed by the Council's complete lack of compassion given the circumstances with your dear mother."

His manipulation seems so obvious to me now that I can hardly comprehend how I was so blind to it before. How could I have not realized how he capitalized on my loneliness and isolation, doing his utmost to make me feel more and more alienated from the Jedi? He had gradually chipped away at my most precious connections, establishing himself as the person I could trust above all others, even Padme', until in the end he was all I had left. I'm content to let him believe that he still has that power over me only because I know it will lead to his eventual destruction. At least, that's what I tell myself to hold back from killing him where he stands.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now," I tell him now in my sincerest impression of lost, little boy. I'm curious to see what he will do if I lay the bait out for him so blatantly. "You're right. The Jedi were my family. I don't know who I am without them, or what I will do without their guidance. Perhaps I am making a mistake."

"No. You must stand with courage for your convictions. The mistake is theirs."

"But, sir—,"

He places his hand on my shoulder and I must clamp down on the visceral compulsion to break his neck. It's even more difficult not to reflexively shake off his touch. Banked anger rises in my throat like corrosive acid, and I can only hope if he senses the emotion, that he attributes it to the Jedi and not himself.

"—Anakin, in time you will come to realize that you have grown far beyond what the Jedi can teach you," he interjects, "I suspect they know that as well and they fear you for it. They fear the loss of power it will bring."

"I doubt they're saddened by my decision to leave. They never wanted to train me at all."

"Well, no matter about the Jedi. I hope your decision doesn't mean that you and I will become strangers to one another now. That would sadden me greatly."

"Of course not, Chancellor. You are like family to me."

"As are you to me," he says, "Please know that while the Jedi may forsake you, Anakin, I never will. I'm invested in you, my young friend, and I will always be here for you."

When I smile at the promise, he has no idea that the response is provoked by rancor and not affection. He never suspects that by making the vow to "never forsake me," he is, in essence, signing his own death warrant because I have every intention of using that to my advantage. Yes, my master, I'm counting on that "investment." More than you know.

By the time I finally leave his office, I'm yearning for a shower to wash away the filth of being in his unctuous presence. I've never been very good at wearing two faces. The effort is taxing. Being forthright has always been my nature because subterfuge takes too much effort, especially if the end result will be the same. It always feels like a waste my time.

I feel something similar now. A large part of me just wants to kill Sidious and deal with the consequences afterward. The bloodlust to strike him down had nearly been beyond containment. If I were to go back into his office and make up some pathetic excuse about needing his guidance, he'd allow me into his circle. He'd keep me close. It would be ridiculously easy to find an opportunity to kill him. In my mind, I could easily see myself beheading him with very little resistance. I could do it and he would never see the strike coming.

But that had been my way of handling conflicts in the past, my actions guided purely by unbridled passion and instinct. Thinking with my lightsaber as Obi-Wan had often called it. I had little patience for meticulous planning or taking a "wait and see" approach. That had been Obi-Wan's area of expertise.

In contrast, I went with my gut and improvised along the way. That tact had served me well in the Clone Wars, but I knew that it would not help me defeat Sidious. If I was going to destroy my old master and his empire along with him, I would need to be just as methodical in my planning as he was.

As I consider my next move, I subconsciously find myself heading in the direction of Padme's Senate office suites rather than exiting the building as I'd originally planned. She and I haven't had an actual conversation since that last unfortunate encounter on Tatooine. The moment we landed back on Coruscant, she had been anxious to get out of my presence, and I hadn't seen her since.

I know that I should probably leave matters as they are, but I cannot depart from Coruscant without saying goodbye to her. Unresolved issues between us aside, I must at least warn her away from Palpatine. Padme' considers him a mentor and would never suspect the true threat that he is to her. She will need to be vigilant, especially without me here to serve as protection.

It won't be an easy conversation to have and not only due to the topic at hand. The tension between us since we left Tatooine has been frosty at best and antagonistic at worst. I don't expect that she will be receptive to speaking with me at all, but I know I can't dwell on that now. I must put our romance, or lack thereof, aside for the greater good. I should be very familiar with that principle already since it had defined the entirety of our short marriage. With that resolve, I knock once on her chamber door before stepping inside.

Her warm smile of welcome instantly collapses when she sees me. "What can I do for you, padawan Skywalker?" Her tone is neutral and polite, but her eyes are flinty. No, this won't be easy at all.

"I'm going to be off world for the foreseeable future. I wanted to say goodbye."

Padme' makes a point of picking up her datapad and scrolling through it, as if she can only spare me cursory attention. "Oh?" Despite her evident disinterest, however, I persevere. What I need to tell her takes precedence over her anger and my wounded pride.

"I left the Jedi Order today. I won't be returning."

"Yes, I'm very aware of how good you are at leaving things behind," she retorts.

"Padme', if you think that this is easy for me—,"

"—I wish you safe travels then," she interrupts coldly, "Goodbye."

I swallow an aggravated grunt and press on past her dismissal. "For the record, I never wanted us to become strangers to one another," I tell her gently, "I'm trying to do the right thing because…because I love you, Padme'. I love you. That's all." Her expression softens just a little following that, so I add, "Please be careful. Be mindful of who you trust in the Senate, especially the Chancellor."

Her polite façade fizzles completely and is replaced with a startled frown. "The Chancellor? But why? He is my oldest advisor and a trusted friend. Are you saying that he bears me ill?"

"He is not what he appears to be, Padme'. Do not lower your guard around him." I am bracing myself for a potential argument, but instead she inclines her head in a compliant nod. I don't realize how tense I was waiting for her reaction until a grateful sigh shudders from my lungs. "Thank you." I turn to leave when she suddenly calls my name, halting me in my tracks. When I swivel back to face her, I realize for the first time that her eyes are glistening with unshed tears.

"I was wrong to call you a coward before. That was uncalled for and I'm sorry I said it."

"You don't owe me any apologies."

"But I do," she insists quietly, "I lashed out at you because…I'm hurt, Anakin. This hurts."

"I know. For me too."

"I…um…I hope that you're able to fix those broken things inside you," she manages after several halting starts, "And I hope that I see you again someday."

I jerk a nod and turn away to make my exit quickly because the tears burning in my throat won't let me answer her. But in my heart, I reply fervently as I rush from the Senate building for what I fear might be the last time before I face Sidious again, I hope that too, my love. I always will.