Author's note: I want to thank everyone who has read and reviewed my fanfic. It really means a lot to me!
And a huge thank you to my beta Missy. This chapter was harder to write than the first one and she did a great job editing it! Thanks, Missy!
Although I have yet to see 'Crash & Burn' (we stopped after Lady Heather's Box and now we have reruns), this story takes place around that episode. I may refer to C&B in the third/last part, but there are no real third season spoilers in this one!
Falling Leaves
By Karin
Grissom walked over to Sara's side. He briefly placed his hand on her arm. "Can I…Is there anything I can do for you?"
Sara grimaced, avoiding his questioning eyes. "You can do a lot for the dead, Gris, except bringing them back to life again, so no…there's nothing you can do for me."
She didn't mean it as an accusation or a reproach. It was just the way it was. Grissom was as powerless as she was.
Sara's hand trembled slightly when she rubbed her face. Exhaustion was slowly taking over her. It wasn't so surprising after three days without any sleep, pacing up and down her room. No wonder her body started to protest.
"Would you mind…?" She gestured to a bench standing at the fenceline of the cemetery. It had a good view over the plain.
"Not at all."
As they took place at the wooden bench, Grissom glanced sideways at Sara. Her face was too pale for his liking and there was a dark distance in her eyes that troubled him. This was the first time he had seen her since the accident. After that terrible night they had forced her to take a few days off. She had locked herself up in her apartment, not reacting to any of their phone calls or their well-intended visits.
He could not say that the time off had done her any good. "Are you all right?"
It was a typical Grissom question. Of course she wasn't all right. Everything was wrong in fact. The whole world seemed to have been turned upside down.
"Do you want to talk about it…about Hank?"
Sara flinched at the sound of his name. A cold hand clasped her heart while the images of that terrible night flashed before her eyes. She knew she couldn't stop them; they were imprinted into her memory.
He was breathing heavily. His lips were colorless and his skin so pale that it almost seemed translucent. There was blood everywhere, forming a pile around his body. It was on his shirt, on her shirt and on her hands that had tried to stop the bleeding. The other paramedic did whatever he could to save his partner, but she knew that it was in vain when she looked into the depths of Hank's eyes. They started to lose focus. He was slipping away from her.
She felt so alone. Although she was surrounded by dozens of people – colleagues, police officers and curious strangers who were excited by the distress of others – it was just the two of them. The world had stopped around her. Sounds became dull, echoing in her ear like a distant memory of something she once knew and enjoyed. Lights faded, even the stars at the sky seemed to have lost their shine. Then with one deep sigh Hank surrendered himself to the shadows of the night. He was gone.
"I cared about him."
A veil came over Grissom's face as jealousy took over him. It was the same jealousy he had experienced for so long, but never acted upon. He had stood by and watched how Hank had wormed his way into Sara's life and had stolen her away from him. It was his own fault of course. He had been given too many chances to make Sara understand how much she meant to him, but his fear of letting her come to close held him back. It was the cause of all of this and he cursed himself for letting it have come this far.
Sara didn't notice his inner struggle and continued softly: "I never loved him though. He was just there for me and I liked his company."
The feeling of relief that she had never loved Hank was quickly replaced by guilt. 'He was there for me.' Although she had never loved the man, Sara had turned to Hank for something he couldn't give her himself.
Even now he did not know what to do. He could not find the right words to comfort her, and so he said nothing. Instead they sat there, side by side, for what seemed like hours, staring aimlessly. Slowly the sun broke completely through the thin sheets of clouds and shone its bright light over the entire plain. It reflected on a white tombstone close to Hank's grave, creating a beautiful spectacle of lights, and brought a glittering glance on the leaves that were covered with raindrops.
Even though this was a dark place reigned by grief, it was bright and beautiful at the same time. Sara knew that some people found that comforting for it offered them solace and peace of mind, especially when they came back to remember a loved one's death.
She glanced at Grissom. He was still staring into space, but it seemed like he wasn't really looking at anything. His eyes were distant. Sara wondered how many times he'd been at a cemetery before, if he had lost people he'd cared about.
"Are your parents still alive?"
Her supervisor jerked his head in surprise, definitely not expecting her question. Quite frankly it shocked him and for a few seconds he did not know what to say. They had never been very personal. No, correct that: he had never been very open about his past. He'd always thought that it was safer that way. And it was, until Sara appeared in his life.
"My mother is still alive."
The emphasis on the word 'mother' made Sara clear that it was all right to talk about her, but strictly forbidden to enquire after his father. Apparently it was something he didn't want to share with her. She accepted that. She had some demons of her own, so who was she to judge? She was surprised enough that he had answered her question at all.
"Can you tell me something about her?"
At first Grissom wanted to decline. He felt uncomfortable telling about his mother, the most important woman of his life. Then again, Sara made a close second, so maybe it was only right.
Even before he could open his mouth, a smile already curled upon his lips as precious memories came flooding back.
"My mother is a beautiful woman, not only from the outside, but especially from the inside. She is caring and gentle. She's always there for others, never shuts her eyes from the injustice in the world. She taught me that everyone is special, that no one is less than the other. That is very important to her."
The warmth with which Grissom spoke about his mother softened Sara's features. He obviously cared a lot about her. "She sounds like a wise woman."
"I think you'd like her." He paused for a moment, then continued: "And she would like you too."
"I would hope so." Sara smiled, assessing his words as its true value.
"You once asked me how I learned to sign. Do you remember?"
How could she forget? It was one of many times that he had hurt her by pushing her away.
"Well, I've learned it from my mother. She is deaf."
Sara's eyes widened. Not because of his words – his sign language was so good that he still had to practice it – but because this was the first time he truly opened himself up to her. It was the first time she was allowed to catch a glimpse of the real Grissom.
"My mother is deaf, but she never considers it a disability or an excuse. Actually, she thinks of it as a challenge. She has the most beautiful hands and when she signs, it is not just a series of movements; it's…an art. It's…"
His voice trailed off. Then without any hesitation Grissom raised his hands and as he shaped them into signs, he drew Sara into a silent yet expressive world, unfamiliar to her, but so special to him.
Her whole body was aching to understand what he was telling her, to be part of what he was willing to share. "What did you just say?" she asked eagerly when Grissom rested his hands on his lap again.
"I'm there for you when you need me."
Sara felt a stab of emotion she did not dare try to define. The fact that he was here already proved to her that he meant it. And using something personal like sign language told her that although he tried so hard to make her believe otherwise, he did care.
This was the third time she saw Grissom using sign language and like the other times it made her realize how blessed she was to hear. Even here, on one of the saddest places, there was so much to listen to and enjoy. Sara could hear the birds in the trees humming their own songs, the laughter of a young child playing in one of the gardens behind the cemetary, a car passing by, someone's soft crying… Sounds that belonged to life.
"I can't imagine what it's like to be deaf. How can someone live without hearing those wonderful sounds?"
It wasn't an actual question – they both knew that you had to – so Grissom remained silent. But then Sara dropped the bomb that was going to change everything and make their 'relationship' take an unexpected turn.
"How can you?"
To Be Continued…
Did you like this chapter? Please let me know what you think of it! Thank you!
Oh, and my apologies to every Hank fan in here. (grin) It was either him or Grissom. Well, the choice was easily made! :-)
- Karin -