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She is good at what she is doing, at her job. She is an agent who can bring to life whatever alias she momentarily impersonates. She is a brilliant actress able to pretend to be anybody. Posing as Sark's girlfriend had not been on her top ten list of impersonations.
She smiles sadly, when she realises in what tense she is thinking. It had not been on her top ten list, but nowadays, well, it had changed and that particular alias had made it to the unattainable top of the list, the moment she realised she could not back off anymore. The moment she realised that she could not get around arresting him, the moment where her heart broke.
Not that that was something new. Her heart had been shattered before, a few times already, through different things, but not like this. Every time before, she had been a bystander, unable to change or do something about it, seeing Danny dead in the bathtub, pulling the mask off of Noah's face, finding out that her father had programmed her to be a spy, meeting her mother "The Man", finding Will barely breathing in the bathtub, realising that Francie was dead, discovering the ring on Vaughn's finger.
Every single time her heart shattered to pieces and never could she do anything about it, prevent the event from happening, saving them, saving herself.
This time had been different though. She had been conscious that it would happen, had been conscious that by betraying Sark, she would ultimately betray herself, her heart. She thinks she probably has a huge masochistic trait somewhere to be able to pull off something like that.
People try to hide it, but she knows better. She knows they are talking behind her back, saying that she has changed, that she seems distracted most of the time, that maybe she finally cannot cope anymore. They do not even consider that it might be because of him, she is after all too professional to let herself get attached to a wanted criminal even though this operation had forced her to get as close to somebody as humanly possible.
She had tried to stretch the time she spent with him to a maximum, had tried to convince the CIA that there were still contacts she did not know of, information she could still get, but they had ordered her to arrest him after 6 months, when that masochistic trait came into play and actually made her do just that.
When he had started opening up to her, telling her about himself, his reasons and motives, about Julian, she had been lost. She can still pinpoint it to the second when she realised that she had completely fallen for him.
When he told her he loved her, two hours and twenty three minutes before she was supposed to arrest him.
She can still remember the moment in every detail. She had just woken up and when she had opened her eyes, she saw him lying across from her. His eyes were shining and when his hand crept over the white sheets to brush a strand of hair away from her eyes, he smiled and told her he loved her. There had been no hesitation in her voice when she answered him, for she truly felt it and when she urged him to make love to her only seconds afterwards, to cover her desperateness and panic, she felt so horrible but at the same so wonderful.
She is punishing herself, tormenting her mind with the memories and images of their past happiness. She can't let go, because she feels too guilty. And every single time she thinks of him, of Julian, she sees how alone she truly is.
She has been feeling alone every waking second, ever since he has been back behind the figurative bars.
She has not yet been able to go there, to meet him, to look him into the eyes and tell him it was not a lie, because she thinks it might make things easier, or maybe it might just make them worse. She does not know.
She knows he is falling apart, realised it earlier then everybody else. That he had revealed all he said he knew right away, had slightly worried her, that he had grown monosyllabic during interrogations had make her sick with worry. That the ever present spark in his eyes, the pride in his posture has vanished, makes her want to throw up.
Whenever she looks at the images recorded from his cell, she deliberately lets her mistake get thrown into her face. She knows she deserves it. She can remind herself of all the atrocities he has committed and she still can't see (or won't, after all she is trying to be honest with herself) a justification that would satisfy her, make her guilt lessen. She is responsible for his falling apart, for his final break down, that everybody is awaiting, the final thing that will push him over the edge and will reduce him to someone they can handle and do not need to fear.
Going to see him might prove to be that exact thing that will break him, which is why she has not been able to make herself go yet. She is masochistic alright, she does not want to add sadistic to her characteristics, or she is simply being a coward. Going for the simple thing proves right most of the time and she has been overanalyzing lately anyway.
Her eyes yet again drift to the live feed. She gets up and walks towards the area that she has been so carefully avoiding over the last months. She wonders where that sudden courage comes from, what she will say, how he will react, how she is going to survive in there, when all she really wants is him. She thinks that she might break down if he won't acknowledge her at all. She can stand yelling and accusing but silence will kill her.
She can feel everybody's eyes on her back, she does not need to turn her head to know that her dad, Vaughn, Weiss and Lauren all stopped whatever they were doing to look at her, striding self-confidently towards the cell block.
She also knows they are wondering why she goes to see him now, after refusing so often, refusing to be used as a way to break him completely.
She wonders whether he still recognizes her by her walk.
"Julian?"
He does not answer and she can feel the lump in her throat thicken, threatening to choke her. She knows she deserves nothing else and still, all she wants is to die when he doesn't acknowledge her.
"Julian."
Why she is calling him Julian, she is not sure. Calling him Sark would make things so much easier for her, but she guesses that as always she wants to punish herself and besides, when had she ever done anything the easy way.
She is desperate for a sign of him, she knows for sure that she would handle it better if he told her that he hates and despises her. During his arrestment he had remained silent and now, if he does the same, she might be the one to break, not him.
"Julian, please."
She is begging, she realizes, and she couldn't care less, all she wants is acknowledgment, she knows she cannot ask for forgiveness, although she craves it, craves him.
And then he looks up at her and she can see the front he is trying to put, she remembers, she used to call it the "Sark-thing". The memory flash is gone in a second and the hint of uncertainty that came with it, is gone just as fast.
She can see in his eyes that he saw it and nearly wishes that he launches a verbal attack on her, that would leave her in a crying heap. He knows he has the power, there is no doubt about that, but he doesn't do it.
"Just go away", she hears him say. She nearly laughs out if relief of having escaped his wrath. But this is so wrong, he should be demanding for an explanation, threatening her, yelling, anything, something, but not this. Ironic she thinks, as inside of her everything crumbles to pieces, that it only took him three quietly muttered words to shatter her. It had also taken him three words to make her feel as happy as she hadn't been in years.
She turns around and only feels sadness, she had come for forgiveness, a delusional thought, and now leaves with the certainty that he will never give her that, unable to let her go, not wanting to disappear from her thoughts, her memories, her dreams.
********************
She is good at what she is doing, at her job. She is an agent who can bring to life whatever alias she momentarily impersonates. She is a brilliant actress able to pretend to be anybody. Posing as Sark's girlfriend had not been on her top ten list of impersonations.
She smiles sadly, when she realises in what tense she is thinking. It had not been on her top ten list, but nowadays, well, it had changed and that particular alias had made it to the unattainable top of the list, the moment she realised she could not back off anymore. The moment she realised that she could not get around arresting him, the moment where her heart broke.
Not that that was something new. Her heart had been shattered before, a few times already, through different things, but not like this. Every time before, she had been a bystander, unable to change or do something about it, seeing Danny dead in the bathtub, pulling the mask off of Noah's face, finding out that her father had programmed her to be a spy, meeting her mother "The Man", finding Will barely breathing in the bathtub, realising that Francie was dead, discovering the ring on Vaughn's finger.
Every single time her heart shattered to pieces and never could she do anything about it, prevent the event from happening, saving them, saving herself.
This time had been different though. She had been conscious that it would happen, had been conscious that by betraying Sark, she would ultimately betray herself, her heart. She thinks she probably has a huge masochistic trait somewhere to be able to pull off something like that.
People try to hide it, but she knows better. She knows they are talking behind her back, saying that she has changed, that she seems distracted most of the time, that maybe she finally cannot cope anymore. They do not even consider that it might be because of him, she is after all too professional to let herself get attached to a wanted criminal even though this operation had forced her to get as close to somebody as humanly possible.
She had tried to stretch the time she spent with him to a maximum, had tried to convince the CIA that there were still contacts she did not know of, information she could still get, but they had ordered her to arrest him after 6 months, when that masochistic trait came into play and actually made her do just that.
When he had started opening up to her, telling her about himself, his reasons and motives, about Julian, she had been lost. She can still pinpoint it to the second when she realised that she had completely fallen for him.
When he told her he loved her, two hours and twenty three minutes before she was supposed to arrest him.
She can still remember the moment in every detail. She had just woken up and when she had opened her eyes, she saw him lying across from her. His eyes were shining and when his hand crept over the white sheets to brush a strand of hair away from her eyes, he smiled and told her he loved her. There had been no hesitation in her voice when she answered him, for she truly felt it and when she urged him to make love to her only seconds afterwards, to cover her desperateness and panic, she felt so horrible but at the same so wonderful.
She is punishing herself, tormenting her mind with the memories and images of their past happiness. She can't let go, because she feels too guilty. And every single time she thinks of him, of Julian, she sees how alone she truly is.
She has been feeling alone every waking second, ever since he has been back behind the figurative bars.
She has not yet been able to go there, to meet him, to look him into the eyes and tell him it was not a lie, because she thinks it might make things easier, or maybe it might just make them worse. She does not know.
She knows he is falling apart, realised it earlier then everybody else. That he had revealed all he said he knew right away, had slightly worried her, that he had grown monosyllabic during interrogations had make her sick with worry. That the ever present spark in his eyes, the pride in his posture has vanished, makes her want to throw up.
Whenever she looks at the images recorded from his cell, she deliberately lets her mistake get thrown into her face. She knows she deserves it. She can remind herself of all the atrocities he has committed and she still can't see (or won't, after all she is trying to be honest with herself) a justification that would satisfy her, make her guilt lessen. She is responsible for his falling apart, for his final break down, that everybody is awaiting, the final thing that will push him over the edge and will reduce him to someone they can handle and do not need to fear.
Going to see him might prove to be that exact thing that will break him, which is why she has not been able to make herself go yet. She is masochistic alright, she does not want to add sadistic to her characteristics, or she is simply being a coward. Going for the simple thing proves right most of the time and she has been overanalyzing lately anyway.
Her eyes yet again drift to the live feed. She gets up and walks towards the area that she has been so carefully avoiding over the last months. She wonders where that sudden courage comes from, what she will say, how he will react, how she is going to survive in there, when all she really wants is him. She thinks that she might break down if he won't acknowledge her at all. She can stand yelling and accusing but silence will kill her.
She can feel everybody's eyes on her back, she does not need to turn her head to know that her dad, Vaughn, Weiss and Lauren all stopped whatever they were doing to look at her, striding self-confidently towards the cell block.
She also knows they are wondering why she goes to see him now, after refusing so often, refusing to be used as a way to break him completely.
She wonders whether he still recognizes her by her walk.
"Julian?"
He does not answer and she can feel the lump in her throat thicken, threatening to choke her. She knows she deserves nothing else and still, all she wants is to die when he doesn't acknowledge her.
"Julian."
Why she is calling him Julian, she is not sure. Calling him Sark would make things so much easier for her, but she guesses that as always she wants to punish herself and besides, when had she ever done anything the easy way.
She is desperate for a sign of him, she knows for sure that she would handle it better if he told her that he hates and despises her. During his arrestment he had remained silent and now, if he does the same, she might be the one to break, not him.
"Julian, please."
She is begging, she realizes, and she couldn't care less, all she wants is acknowledgment, she knows she cannot ask for forgiveness, although she craves it, craves him.
And then he looks up at her and she can see the front he is trying to put, she remembers, she used to call it the "Sark-thing". The memory flash is gone in a second and the hint of uncertainty that came with it, is gone just as fast.
She can see in his eyes that he saw it and nearly wishes that he launches a verbal attack on her, that would leave her in a crying heap. He knows he has the power, there is no doubt about that, but he doesn't do it.
"Just go away", she hears him say. She nearly laughs out if relief of having escaped his wrath. But this is so wrong, he should be demanding for an explanation, threatening her, yelling, anything, something, but not this. Ironic she thinks, as inside of her everything crumbles to pieces, that it only took him three quietly muttered words to shatter her. It had also taken him three words to make her feel as happy as she hadn't been in years.
She turns around and only feels sadness, she had come for forgiveness, a delusional thought, and now leaves with the certainty that he will never give her that, unable to let her go, not wanting to disappear from her thoughts, her memories, her dreams.
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