Title: Home and Heart
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer story.
By: Ghostrider
Summary: What happens when your heart is ripped apart by those you love? A slayerette's return after years of absence causes old wounds to be ripped open.
Rating: R
Authors Notes: This story takes place approximately 8 years after the events in the this season's last episode. Personally, I don't like the ending, it's too convenient. So I rewrote it to what I would have wanted to see. Furthermore, I would like to thank my Beta-readers Ozmandayus, Banquo and Scb047 for everything they've done.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, the WB and UPN own the characters.
Chapter 6
*** 1216 PM, July 13th, The Coffee Shoppe, Sunnydale, CA ***
Dawn walked out of the coffee shop, a big styrofoam mug Chocolate coffee, topped with whipped cream in one hand, her book bag in the other. She was in her last year of college and classes were over for today. She'd needed to take up some extra classes to make up for being sick for almost three months before. Still shivering at the thought of the accident that had landed her in the hospital for such a long time, she enjoyed the warm sun. Life was good, today her vacation officially started, even if it was shorter then usual. Being a straight A student had paid off as most of her teachers had agreed to let her catch up her classes during the vacation time, provided at least two of her regular teachers would stay behind to administer the tests. Lucky for her, that proffesor Matheson and Doctor Harding still had a lot of research to complete so they would be staying. Now she was all caught up. Thinking nothing but happy thoughts, Dawn didn't look where she was going and so, bumped rather hard into what felt like a concrete wall, spilling her books all over the sidewalk.
Xander walked aimlessly through Sunnydale, his mind soaking up the images of his old hometown. So many things had changed over his absence, yet so many things stayed the same. Everyone went about their business as if there was nothing wrong. He knew these people knew what kind of things played around in the dark, yet they refused to acknowledge it. Hard to believe that at one time, he'd been one of them.
It was a beautiful sunny day, one where you walked about with your loved one, had a picnic in the park and just did those things young lovers did. He'd been inside, researching on his own but so far, he'd come up on a brick wall. None of his sources, cultivated over years, had anything about this specific demon. Frustrated, he'd gone out, hoping that the others would have more luck, since they had the Watcher's Council's resources behind them. But once on the street, Xander was again struck with dread. He would have to face them again, today. He wasn't sure if he was ready for that. The old instincts had come to the surface again, the same instincts that told him to run as fast as he could, as far away as possible. Deciding that he'd needed time to prepare himself mentally for their next meeting, Xander started walking through Sunnydale, soaking up the warmth of the sun. That's when he bumped into someone.
"Ouch! Could you look where you're going, mister? Most people have eyes for a reason, you know."
Xander looked down at the female voice, ready with an angry retort. It stopped halfway to his throat as he caught sight of the beauty kneeling before him, gathering up her books. Chuckling slightly to himself, he bend down to help her, taking off his glasses and putting them in his jacket pocket.
"Sorry, just enjoying this beautiful day and trying to think things over, miss. Guess my mind wandered about."
"I am sorry", the young woman said, softly, "I was doing the same thing. Guess I didn't pay as much attention to my surroundings as I should have."
Xander picked up the last book as they both stood up. Handing it to her, Xander's breath caught in his throat. Before him stood one of the most beautiful women he'd ever seen. He hadn't seen her eyes yet as she was busily rearranging her bag, but her long brown hair, cascading down the side of her face gave her the appearance of an angel. Then she looked up and Xander felt as if he'd been punched in the gut.
Dawn looked up at the tall man she'd bumped into and had helped her get her stuff together. He was very handsome, even if he should let his hair grow out. Very nicely dressed too, with a sports jacket, a tan button-down shirt and black Dockers.
"So, do you usually bump into girls so you can ask them their names", she asked mischievously.
Shaking off his momentary cluelessness, Xander gave her his trademarked lopsided grin before replying.
"I only bump into them to check for any hidden weapons before I ask them their name. Don't want any surprises, now would we?"
"No, we wouldn't. So?"
"So? What?"
"Aren't you going to ask my name? I'm sure you've already established I'm not carrying any weapons."
"I wish I could ask you your name, but right now, that part of my brain has deserted me."
"You mean, you don't know how to ask me my name?"
"That's right. I don't. Sorry."
'Damn, but he's cute. And that smile! It's just like Xander's', Dawn thought, appraising the man in front of her. Then her thoughts caught up with her and she gave herself a mental shake. The eyes, they were the same shade of brown as Xander's, with the same mischievous look in them. The same one she'd seen on so many occasions! Could it be?
"Okay, so you don't know how to ask me my name. Well, the only solution is if I guess your name, now isn't it?"
"How do you figure that?"
"I can't really call you 'Hey, you', now can I?"
"I've been called worse", he answered with the same smile as before and Dawn now was certain.
"Well, it's been nice talking to you, but I must be off. So, maybe I'll see you around, Xander."
The smile froze on his face as the girl said his name almost casually. His eyes narrowed as he grabbed her by the arm, almost shaking her.
"How did you know my name?"
The tone in his voice, sharp, like a knife. Dawn, for the first time in her life, was scared of Xander. His eyes had become cold like eyes and she could feel the chill throughout her body. Swallowing, she looked him straight in the eyes.
"You don't tend to forget those that sacrifice themselves to save you, Xan", she said softly.
For the second time in minutes, Xander felt as if he were punched in the gut, as he finally recognized the young woman.
"Dawn?"
Not trusting herself to speak, Dawn just nodded, as tears started leaking from her eyes. Xander's mind was twisting and turning in all directions by this new development. He'd never seen any pictures of her after leaving Sunnydale; somewhere in his mind's eye, she was still the little fourteen year old who had a crush on him, not this gorgeous creature. As if by hidden agreement, both of them came together, slipping into each others arms, holding each other tight. No words were spoken, everything that needed to be said was transferred through their arms, the contact of their bodies against each other. Finally, they pulled away from each other, their arms still around each other.
"God, Xan, it's great to see you! Where have you been? We've all been worried about you. You don't write, you don't call. You just up and left! Why? Was it something I did? I'm sorry about Anya. I'm so sorry. I was worried you hated me, because she died protecting me."
"Dawnmeister, you're babbling", he said with a grin.
"Shutting up now. Oooohhhh, it's great to see you", she exclaimed as she pulled him into another crushing hug.
Several minutes later, the two sat down in the coffeeshop again, Dawn insisting they'd needed to talk and she wouldn't let him out of her sight until he'd told her where he had been. The look on the waitress's face as he'd ordered a coffee, black, was priceless.
"What is it with these places that they look at you like you're Fyarl demon when you ask for a normal coffee?"
"Maybe because it's so ordinary?"
"Well, I like my coffee without all those strange concoctions thrown in."
"Okay, Xander, we've talked enough about the merits of caffeinated drinks. Suppose you start telling me why you left in the first place. You said it wasn't because of Anya's death. Was it because of me?"
"No! How could you think that, Dawny? It was never about you."
"Thank goodness. I couldn't live with myself if it had been because of me. So spill already! Why did you leave? And do the others know you're back?"
"Yeah, they know. As for why I left, that is a long story."
"Well, I'm out of college for a while so I have lots of time. Talk, mister."
"Maybe another time. It's really good to see you, Dawn. I thought that after we took care of Glory, those monks would come for you and take you back to whatever place you'd come from."
Noticing his reticience about his silent departure, Dawn vowed to drag it out of him, one way or another. Both Buffy and Willow had taken it hard when he'd disappeared and she owed it to them to find the answers. In the meantime, she'd soften him up and tell him what he'd missed.
"Yeah, they did. The same night you guys vanquished her. That ride to the hospital... It was the longest ride I've ever had. I held your head in my lap the entire time and Buffy... she was crying, begging you to hold on. We'd just brought you in and the doctors had taken you into the OR and were sitting there waiting for word on how you were doing."
Xander took Dawn's hands in his own, giving them a soft squeeze. Hearing Dawn's words regarding Buffy and seeing the pain of remembrance in Dawn's own eyes, send a stab of pain through his heart, that he violently quelled.
"I'm sorry that I worried you so much, but I couldn't let anything happen to the old Key, now could I?"
"Yeah, well, next time, don't get yourself hurt, okay? Anyway, while we're pacing around, there is this huge light and we all disappeared into it. When it was over, we were in some huge cave in the mountains of Tibet or Nepal, I don't know.
Those monks came out of nowhere, saying that it was time to set the Key free. I was even more scared then when Glory had me. I mean, I was just saved from certain death and I was finally free to enjoy being with my family, you know. Then here are these guys mumbling that it's time for me to be set free. Well, the others rallied around me and Buffy stated in no uncertain terms that if anyone of them touched me, she'd kill them.
The high priest or whatever he was, made a few gestures with his hands and suddenly, everyone was tied up to the walls and I was kneeling in a circle. Nobody could do anything and I lost track of time. When I woke up, I was sore all over. These monks helped me out of the circle and suddenly, we were all in Giles' apartment. Then this spooky voice, the one from the high priest said that I was set free, that the force inside me had been removed and that I was human, fully human. Xander, do you know how happy I was? It was like... "
"Like you're given a get-out-of-jail card?"
"Exactly! I was human again and I had a family and friends. Best of all, I wouldn't be the target of the next madman that needed the powers that were inside me. I also kept my powers to open dimensional portals but for the rest, I was just a normal girl."
The smile on her face warmed his heart and Xander felt happy knowing he'd had a part in putting it there.
"Well, turns out we were gone for almost a week. First thing Giles did was call the hospital to get an update on your status. According to the doctor, you'd pulled through the operation and had gotten out of a coma three days before. We were all happy to hear that but it was late so we decided to visit you the day after. I went to bed, after all that stuff, I was almost dead on my feet. The next day, when I woke up, the whole house was in an uproar. You'd disappeared from the hospital, Xander. We nearly tore the town apart looking for you. Buffy blamed herself for a long time. Me, I blamed myself until she finally kicked my ass, telling me it wasn't my fault. Well, you know me, I told her I'd stop blaming myself if she did the same. She couldn't have done anything, after all, she was with me at the time, tied to a rock wall."
Xander felt as if his heart was wrenched from his body all over again at hearing her story. They hadn't abandoned him, they'd had no choice in the matter. Feelings of shame hit him from all sides until he ruthlessly pushed them back. Even if they hadn't abandoned him, they were still guilty. Guilty of trying to leave him behind, even after all he'd done for them. He would have lain his life down without a second thought to save anyone of his friends and they had planned to shove him to the side like yesterday's news.
Dawn saw the confusion in his eyes and suddenly, with clarity, realized the reasons behind his quiet departure.
"That's why you left, isn't it, Xander? Because you thought we forgot about you?"
"What?"
"You heard me, mister! You left us because you thought we abandoned you. Well, let me tell you something. None of us abandoned you. You're a part of all of us, didn't you know that? Without you, none of us would be here now. Without you, we're just rudderless ships on the ocean."
"When did you become a philosopher, Dawn?"
"Hey, don't hack it. It's one my favorite topics. You know, the meaning of life, what came first, the chicken or the egg."
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
They both burst out laughing at that last one; Xander felt good, better then he had in years.
"Now, tell me why you left, Xander."
Looking at Dawn, he saw she had her resolve face on. Just like Willow. And just like Willow, she wouldn't budge until she'd had her answers. Sighing, Xander told his story, how he'd overheard the others talking about cutting him out of their nightly activities. She could feel his pain as if it were her own and right there and then, Dawn resolved to kick a certain sister, a certain Wicca and a certain Watcher where it hurt for hurting their best friend that way.
"Promise me one thing, Dawn."
"Of course I will. What is it?"
"Don't tell anyone what I just told you, alright? I'm not in the mood for platitudes and pity from them. I've had that more then enough of that over the years."
Dawn was about to object but decided that could wait. She'd see what happened when Xander and the others met, then take it from there. For now, it was more important to gain his trust again.
"So, what have you been doing with yourself all these years? And why come back now? Why not sooner? You know that we missed you, right?"
"I doubt that, Dawn. After all, I was the weakest link here, everybody had to worry about me getting them killed, right?"
"That's not true and you know it!"
"Well, it's true and I do know it. You weren't there, Dawn. You were sleeping upstairs. Your sister, Willow and Giles all agreed. I was to be kept out of things. The only thing I was deemed good enough for was to babysit you. Anyway, the past is the past. We can't change it so why dwell on it, right?"
"Does that mean that you're going to be staying here?"
"No, I'm here to take care of some business. You can ask the others about it when you see them. When I'm finished, I'm out of here for good."
The casual way in which Xander dismissed everything she'd said or the others, hurt Dawn. She could see that Xander was trying to be indifferent about things but he was angry. So very angry that it almost physically hurt her.
"Where will you go", she asked timidly.
"Wherever they'll send me."
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, I think it's time I go to the shop. I'm sure the others are there. You'll find out about what's been going on there."
Xander stood up and walked out of the shop, Dawn on his heels.
"You got a car?"
"No, it's in the shop."
"Come on then, I'll drive you."
Minutes later, they arrived at Xander's SUV and drove off. Several minutes later, he parked in front of the Magic Box; walking inside the store, Dawn felt an unexplained chill permeate the air. Looking at Xander, it was as if he'd replaced his usual demeanor with one of hardened resolve. It was something she wasn't used to seeing on him and it gave her a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.
"Hello Tara."
"Uhm, hello Xander. Hi Dawn. They're in the back."
Without so much as a word, Xander walked to the back of the shop and into the trainingroom, Dawn on his heels. The minute she stepped inside, all hopes she had regarding a tearful reunion were destroyed as Buffy walked up to Xander without saying a word and slapped him hard enough to make him loose his balance.
"Nice to see you too, Buffy. Anybody else waiting to take potshots at me? First one is free, the next one, you pay. Dearly."
"You have the gall to come in here after what you pulled last night", Buffy questioned in a tight voice.
Buffy was terrified; she'd hit Xander hard and she couldn't for the life of her understand why she'd done it. She was happy to see him after all these years but last night, the way he'd behaved. Ever since his entrance, his behaviour had thrown her. It was like she was on a rollercoasterride with no way of stopping the cars as they kept speeding up. She wanted to apologize for whatever it was that had caused this rift between them, but she couldn't. Pride wouldn't let her. Buffy had a feeling that same pride would damage whatever was left between her and Xander and there was nothing she could do about it.
"Nobody ever accused me of being the brightest light in the universe, Slayer. Besides, I'm not here for anything resembling a tearful reunion. If you recall, Big Bad equals Research equals ways to kick its six. Found anything, Giles?"
Xander walked passed Buffy as if she wasn't even there, to lean against the large table, covered with books in varying sizes. Dawn walked up to Buffy and put a hand on her shoulder. Buffy turned to look at her sister and Dawn could see the unshed tears threatening to spill. But Buffy wouldn't let them, she'd be damned if she showed any more weakness. Dawn vowed to get her sister to talk and tell her and the others about Xander's feelings and perceptions. When she'd done that, she'd be kicking their butts all over the place; nobody deserved to be treated like that. No one.
"Even if we've found something, Xander, what makes you think that we're going to tell you?"
The anger was clearly visible in Giles' face, make that 'Ripper's' face.
"Indeed, we don't know whose side you are on, Xander. For all we know, this is just a way for you to hurt us", Wesley added, standing next Giles. Xander could see that both men were ready to fight him, if necessary. It brought a grin to his face, a grin that rocked everybody who saw it; it was the grin of a predator.
"I take it you've finally been able to locate my file."
When no acknowledgement was forthcoming, he continued as he walked around the room, stopping next Willow as she sat behind her computer, not daring to look up at him.
"If I wanted to hurt anyone of you, none of you could stop me. Unlike you people, I have no compunction to killing humans. Just because you're fighting demons, doesn't mean there are no other horrors. I've seen them up close and personal and believe me, evil is not just part of the demon world. Humans have it too. Isn't that true, Ripper? The difference between you and me is that I don't go for the revenge drive, Giles. I do my job to the best of my abilities."
"Revenge is no issue with you? Then explain why you shot Angel, Xander!"
Xander turned towards Buffy, regarding her cooly after her outburst.
"That was self-defense, Buffy. I don't like him, I'll admit that. Don't ever put me in a situation where I'm alone with him because only one of us would come out of there. He attacked me, I defended myself. If you'll recall, I didn't shoot Wesley, even though he too came after me. I'm sure Angel is feeling much better now, especially since I'm sure you've been tending to his every need."
"No Buffy", Dawn said softly, holding on to her sister's arm, stopping her from tackling Xander.
"So, I take it that's it then. Since you won't be telling me what I need to know, I'm left to my own devices. Not that that is anything new for me. See you around."
With those words, Xander walked out of the store and drove off, leaving a stunned audience behind. Faith, Cordelia and Cassandra walked into the shop as Xander drove away. Seeing the tight faces of the others, Cordelia turned to Tara, asking her what had happened. Before she could answer, a loud voice interrupted them.
"Are you people stupid, bullheaded or just plain asses?"
"Dawn, please, this does not concern you."
"Doesn't concern me, Giles? How dare you say that", she raged as she stepped up to him, thrusting a finger into his chest.
"Xander sacrificed his life to save me. He did the same for all of you here at one time or another and you just kick him to the curb! Because he's got no powers? Who died and made you god?"
"Dawn, it's not that. This isn't our Xander."
"Really Willow? Could have fooled me. What tipped you off, the fact he's not been our Xander since you all decided to cut him out of helping you with fighting evil? Or the fact that he doesn't need powers or use strength-enhancing drugs to fight them?"
"Dawn, that's not what Willow means."
"No, Buffy, then what does she mean, enlighten me."
Buffy watched her sister, as she stood there in the middle of the room, eyes ablaze with anger and sighed. This was going to be hard to explain to her, hell, it was hard to explain it to herself.
"Last night, Xander was here after helping both me and Faith and Spike and Cassandra out. He shot Angel, threatened the rest of us, he just didn't act like he normally would. He might have been under the influence of something or someone."
"Buffy, you are so blind you can't even see it, can you?"
"What do you mean, Dawn?"
"Of course this isn't the old Xander, it's been over eight years. People change, him more so than any of us. And you know why he changed? Because you forced him to change, Buffy. You, Willow and Giles."
"What do you mean, Dawn? I admit, I wasn't here but I doubt this Xander is the product of something your sister and his friends did."
"Faith, how did you feel when everybody kept telling you that you had to be more like Buffy?"
Faith looked at Dawn then towards Buffy with an apologetic shrug.
"I didn't like it. They made me feel like I was inferior or something. They didn't accept me like I was. Everything Buffy did was okay, no problem. If I did something, I was chewed out like it was a cardinal sin I'd committed. It just got too much", she said, softly, remembering all the pain and suffering it had caused. Buffy, Willow, Giles and Wesley looked on uncomfortable, knowing that it was true and that they were as much to blame as Faith was for her turning.
"Xander was the only one who didn't try and make me become a Buffy-clone."
"That's probably because he could imagine how you felt, what you've been through. He never talked about his life at his parents house, but I got the feeling that it was more of a hellhole then anything else", Dawn said softly, squeezing Faith's hand. "You two had more in common that you think.
Why did you decide to cut him out, Buffy? Why did you decide that it was time that Xander not help you anymore with the slaying? Why did you decide that he would be better off babysitting me? Not that I needed a babysitter, Glory was gone and I was fifteen at the time. I think I was old enough to stay by myself at home. You went out at night slaying at that age."
"How did you know that", Buffy said, taken aback at Dawn's words. They crushed all hopes that she had that Xander had had another reason for getting away from them.
"Xander told me. He overheard you guys talking that night. He walked out of the hospital because he didn't see any of you after he came out of the coma and was worried. He walked out of the hospital while he was still in the ICU! Doesn't that tell you how much he cares? He doesn't care about his own safety. He does care about us. Show me one person here he hasn't saved at one time or another. No destiny, no powers, no nothing and yet, he still went ahead and did the right thing. And you decided that it was time for him to just sit on his hands? Buffy, I love you, you're my sister but right now, I can't stand the sight of you. You drove him away and that is something you have to live with. I doubt he'll ever be able to forgive you."
Dawn turned around and walked out of the store, angrier then she'd ever been. She didn't hear Buffy's quiet words as she slammed the frontdoor closed.
"I doubt I'll ever be able to forgive myself."
"So, I take it we ain't going to be working with Mr. Marine, huh", Cassandra stated as she picked up a slice of the pizza she'd brought with her.
"Knowing Xander, he'll be around, watching our back", Faith countered as she walked to Buffy and pulled the other slayer with her.
Faith and Buffy sat down on the back stairs as Faith began to chew her pizza slice. Buffy declined, not feeling hungry. She kept looking at her shoes, as if they were the most fascinating things in the world.
"You should go after him."
"What?"
"B., you should go after him, grab hold of him and beg his forgiveness. Even if he doesn't forgive you, at least you'll be able to move on."
"What makes you think I need Xander's forgiveness to move on?"
"B., look at yourself. You've not been yourself for years now, girl. One moment, you're happy and carefree, then you see something that reminds of you of him and you turn all contemplative. None of your dates have lasted more then an hour before you tell them you don't feel too good. Hell, you've not been out on a date in over a year! And the guys you date? They all look like Xander."
"Oh please, spare me! That's not true."
"Isn't it? From what I've seen, it's true and Willow agrees with me on that. She's miserable too; no matter what Tara tries, nothing can pull Willow out of her funk. Just like you, she is happy one moment, the next she's crying her eyes out. Remember when we went to the park for that picnic? Halfway through, she started talking about the one the three of you went to, during high school. She couldn't finish the story coz she started crying and ran off. The way I see it is that you have to swallow your pride and go to him on your knees of need be."
Buffy contemplated Faith's words for a moment before answering.
"Why should I even try, Faith? I've hurt him so much over the years. That stupid decision was the last straw. I always thought Xander would be there for me, you know. Every guy I've ever known left me. Pike, Angel, Riley. Then there were those idiots like Scott and Parker. Through it all, Xander never left. He was like a rock, you know?"
"Your cornerstone."
"Yeah. Then he left and it was my fault. Again. I used him, abused him, hurt him in so many ways. I ripped his heart out time and again and still he stayed. I took it for granted that he'd stay no matter what I did."
"Then you found out that that wasn't true. We're only human, B. Humans can only take so much before they snap. Telling him he was worthless was the straw that broke the camel's back."
"I had hoped that I'd learned that after the whole Sisterhood of Jhe fiasco. Without him, none of us would be alive. Faith, what am I going to do?"
Buffy turned to Faith with tears in her eyes and dark-haired slayer took her older friend into a tight hug.
"You go out there and find him, you talk to him, make him listen and beg. Beg like you've never begged before. You'll swallow your pride and beg, asking for his forgiveness and if he'll give you another chance. But give me a chance to talk to him first, okay?"
"Why?"
"B., I've done a lot of crappy things when I worked for the mayor. I never got the chance to fix things with Xander. Even so, he helped me. I need to ask his forgiveness too and thank him for everything. Maybe I can smooth things over for you, you know?"
"Thanks, Faith, you're a real friend."
"Hey B., you've been there for me too, you know. Consider it payback time."
With a last hug, the two slayers parted and finally Buffy managed to take a bite from the pizza in front of her. A tiny spark of hope burned in her heart that maybe things would get better soon.
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer story.
By: Ghostrider
Summary: What happens when your heart is ripped apart by those you love? A slayerette's return after years of absence causes old wounds to be ripped open.
Rating: R
Authors Notes: This story takes place approximately 8 years after the events in the this season's last episode. Personally, I don't like the ending, it's too convenient. So I rewrote it to what I would have wanted to see. Furthermore, I would like to thank my Beta-readers Ozmandayus, Banquo and Scb047 for everything they've done.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, the WB and UPN own the characters.
Chapter 6
*** 1216 PM, July 13th, The Coffee Shoppe, Sunnydale, CA ***
Dawn walked out of the coffee shop, a big styrofoam mug Chocolate coffee, topped with whipped cream in one hand, her book bag in the other. She was in her last year of college and classes were over for today. She'd needed to take up some extra classes to make up for being sick for almost three months before. Still shivering at the thought of the accident that had landed her in the hospital for such a long time, she enjoyed the warm sun. Life was good, today her vacation officially started, even if it was shorter then usual. Being a straight A student had paid off as most of her teachers had agreed to let her catch up her classes during the vacation time, provided at least two of her regular teachers would stay behind to administer the tests. Lucky for her, that proffesor Matheson and Doctor Harding still had a lot of research to complete so they would be staying. Now she was all caught up. Thinking nothing but happy thoughts, Dawn didn't look where she was going and so, bumped rather hard into what felt like a concrete wall, spilling her books all over the sidewalk.
Xander walked aimlessly through Sunnydale, his mind soaking up the images of his old hometown. So many things had changed over his absence, yet so many things stayed the same. Everyone went about their business as if there was nothing wrong. He knew these people knew what kind of things played around in the dark, yet they refused to acknowledge it. Hard to believe that at one time, he'd been one of them.
It was a beautiful sunny day, one where you walked about with your loved one, had a picnic in the park and just did those things young lovers did. He'd been inside, researching on his own but so far, he'd come up on a brick wall. None of his sources, cultivated over years, had anything about this specific demon. Frustrated, he'd gone out, hoping that the others would have more luck, since they had the Watcher's Council's resources behind them. But once on the street, Xander was again struck with dread. He would have to face them again, today. He wasn't sure if he was ready for that. The old instincts had come to the surface again, the same instincts that told him to run as fast as he could, as far away as possible. Deciding that he'd needed time to prepare himself mentally for their next meeting, Xander started walking through Sunnydale, soaking up the warmth of the sun. That's when he bumped into someone.
"Ouch! Could you look where you're going, mister? Most people have eyes for a reason, you know."
Xander looked down at the female voice, ready with an angry retort. It stopped halfway to his throat as he caught sight of the beauty kneeling before him, gathering up her books. Chuckling slightly to himself, he bend down to help her, taking off his glasses and putting them in his jacket pocket.
"Sorry, just enjoying this beautiful day and trying to think things over, miss. Guess my mind wandered about."
"I am sorry", the young woman said, softly, "I was doing the same thing. Guess I didn't pay as much attention to my surroundings as I should have."
Xander picked up the last book as they both stood up. Handing it to her, Xander's breath caught in his throat. Before him stood one of the most beautiful women he'd ever seen. He hadn't seen her eyes yet as she was busily rearranging her bag, but her long brown hair, cascading down the side of her face gave her the appearance of an angel. Then she looked up and Xander felt as if he'd been punched in the gut.
Dawn looked up at the tall man she'd bumped into and had helped her get her stuff together. He was very handsome, even if he should let his hair grow out. Very nicely dressed too, with a sports jacket, a tan button-down shirt and black Dockers.
"So, do you usually bump into girls so you can ask them their names", she asked mischievously.
Shaking off his momentary cluelessness, Xander gave her his trademarked lopsided grin before replying.
"I only bump into them to check for any hidden weapons before I ask them their name. Don't want any surprises, now would we?"
"No, we wouldn't. So?"
"So? What?"
"Aren't you going to ask my name? I'm sure you've already established I'm not carrying any weapons."
"I wish I could ask you your name, but right now, that part of my brain has deserted me."
"You mean, you don't know how to ask me my name?"
"That's right. I don't. Sorry."
'Damn, but he's cute. And that smile! It's just like Xander's', Dawn thought, appraising the man in front of her. Then her thoughts caught up with her and she gave herself a mental shake. The eyes, they were the same shade of brown as Xander's, with the same mischievous look in them. The same one she'd seen on so many occasions! Could it be?
"Okay, so you don't know how to ask me my name. Well, the only solution is if I guess your name, now isn't it?"
"How do you figure that?"
"I can't really call you 'Hey, you', now can I?"
"I've been called worse", he answered with the same smile as before and Dawn now was certain.
"Well, it's been nice talking to you, but I must be off. So, maybe I'll see you around, Xander."
The smile froze on his face as the girl said his name almost casually. His eyes narrowed as he grabbed her by the arm, almost shaking her.
"How did you know my name?"
The tone in his voice, sharp, like a knife. Dawn, for the first time in her life, was scared of Xander. His eyes had become cold like eyes and she could feel the chill throughout her body. Swallowing, she looked him straight in the eyes.
"You don't tend to forget those that sacrifice themselves to save you, Xan", she said softly.
For the second time in minutes, Xander felt as if he were punched in the gut, as he finally recognized the young woman.
"Dawn?"
Not trusting herself to speak, Dawn just nodded, as tears started leaking from her eyes. Xander's mind was twisting and turning in all directions by this new development. He'd never seen any pictures of her after leaving Sunnydale; somewhere in his mind's eye, she was still the little fourteen year old who had a crush on him, not this gorgeous creature. As if by hidden agreement, both of them came together, slipping into each others arms, holding each other tight. No words were spoken, everything that needed to be said was transferred through their arms, the contact of their bodies against each other. Finally, they pulled away from each other, their arms still around each other.
"God, Xan, it's great to see you! Where have you been? We've all been worried about you. You don't write, you don't call. You just up and left! Why? Was it something I did? I'm sorry about Anya. I'm so sorry. I was worried you hated me, because she died protecting me."
"Dawnmeister, you're babbling", he said with a grin.
"Shutting up now. Oooohhhh, it's great to see you", she exclaimed as she pulled him into another crushing hug.
Several minutes later, the two sat down in the coffeeshop again, Dawn insisting they'd needed to talk and she wouldn't let him out of her sight until he'd told her where he had been. The look on the waitress's face as he'd ordered a coffee, black, was priceless.
"What is it with these places that they look at you like you're Fyarl demon when you ask for a normal coffee?"
"Maybe because it's so ordinary?"
"Well, I like my coffee without all those strange concoctions thrown in."
"Okay, Xander, we've talked enough about the merits of caffeinated drinks. Suppose you start telling me why you left in the first place. You said it wasn't because of Anya's death. Was it because of me?"
"No! How could you think that, Dawny? It was never about you."
"Thank goodness. I couldn't live with myself if it had been because of me. So spill already! Why did you leave? And do the others know you're back?"
"Yeah, they know. As for why I left, that is a long story."
"Well, I'm out of college for a while so I have lots of time. Talk, mister."
"Maybe another time. It's really good to see you, Dawn. I thought that after we took care of Glory, those monks would come for you and take you back to whatever place you'd come from."
Noticing his reticience about his silent departure, Dawn vowed to drag it out of him, one way or another. Both Buffy and Willow had taken it hard when he'd disappeared and she owed it to them to find the answers. In the meantime, she'd soften him up and tell him what he'd missed.
"Yeah, they did. The same night you guys vanquished her. That ride to the hospital... It was the longest ride I've ever had. I held your head in my lap the entire time and Buffy... she was crying, begging you to hold on. We'd just brought you in and the doctors had taken you into the OR and were sitting there waiting for word on how you were doing."
Xander took Dawn's hands in his own, giving them a soft squeeze. Hearing Dawn's words regarding Buffy and seeing the pain of remembrance in Dawn's own eyes, send a stab of pain through his heart, that he violently quelled.
"I'm sorry that I worried you so much, but I couldn't let anything happen to the old Key, now could I?"
"Yeah, well, next time, don't get yourself hurt, okay? Anyway, while we're pacing around, there is this huge light and we all disappeared into it. When it was over, we were in some huge cave in the mountains of Tibet or Nepal, I don't know.
Those monks came out of nowhere, saying that it was time to set the Key free. I was even more scared then when Glory had me. I mean, I was just saved from certain death and I was finally free to enjoy being with my family, you know. Then here are these guys mumbling that it's time for me to be set free. Well, the others rallied around me and Buffy stated in no uncertain terms that if anyone of them touched me, she'd kill them.
The high priest or whatever he was, made a few gestures with his hands and suddenly, everyone was tied up to the walls and I was kneeling in a circle. Nobody could do anything and I lost track of time. When I woke up, I was sore all over. These monks helped me out of the circle and suddenly, we were all in Giles' apartment. Then this spooky voice, the one from the high priest said that I was set free, that the force inside me had been removed and that I was human, fully human. Xander, do you know how happy I was? It was like... "
"Like you're given a get-out-of-jail card?"
"Exactly! I was human again and I had a family and friends. Best of all, I wouldn't be the target of the next madman that needed the powers that were inside me. I also kept my powers to open dimensional portals but for the rest, I was just a normal girl."
The smile on her face warmed his heart and Xander felt happy knowing he'd had a part in putting it there.
"Well, turns out we were gone for almost a week. First thing Giles did was call the hospital to get an update on your status. According to the doctor, you'd pulled through the operation and had gotten out of a coma three days before. We were all happy to hear that but it was late so we decided to visit you the day after. I went to bed, after all that stuff, I was almost dead on my feet. The next day, when I woke up, the whole house was in an uproar. You'd disappeared from the hospital, Xander. We nearly tore the town apart looking for you. Buffy blamed herself for a long time. Me, I blamed myself until she finally kicked my ass, telling me it wasn't my fault. Well, you know me, I told her I'd stop blaming myself if she did the same. She couldn't have done anything, after all, she was with me at the time, tied to a rock wall."
Xander felt as if his heart was wrenched from his body all over again at hearing her story. They hadn't abandoned him, they'd had no choice in the matter. Feelings of shame hit him from all sides until he ruthlessly pushed them back. Even if they hadn't abandoned him, they were still guilty. Guilty of trying to leave him behind, even after all he'd done for them. He would have lain his life down without a second thought to save anyone of his friends and they had planned to shove him to the side like yesterday's news.
Dawn saw the confusion in his eyes and suddenly, with clarity, realized the reasons behind his quiet departure.
"That's why you left, isn't it, Xander? Because you thought we forgot about you?"
"What?"
"You heard me, mister! You left us because you thought we abandoned you. Well, let me tell you something. None of us abandoned you. You're a part of all of us, didn't you know that? Without you, none of us would be here now. Without you, we're just rudderless ships on the ocean."
"When did you become a philosopher, Dawn?"
"Hey, don't hack it. It's one my favorite topics. You know, the meaning of life, what came first, the chicken or the egg."
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
They both burst out laughing at that last one; Xander felt good, better then he had in years.
"Now, tell me why you left, Xander."
Looking at Dawn, he saw she had her resolve face on. Just like Willow. And just like Willow, she wouldn't budge until she'd had her answers. Sighing, Xander told his story, how he'd overheard the others talking about cutting him out of their nightly activities. She could feel his pain as if it were her own and right there and then, Dawn resolved to kick a certain sister, a certain Wicca and a certain Watcher where it hurt for hurting their best friend that way.
"Promise me one thing, Dawn."
"Of course I will. What is it?"
"Don't tell anyone what I just told you, alright? I'm not in the mood for platitudes and pity from them. I've had that more then enough of that over the years."
Dawn was about to object but decided that could wait. She'd see what happened when Xander and the others met, then take it from there. For now, it was more important to gain his trust again.
"So, what have you been doing with yourself all these years? And why come back now? Why not sooner? You know that we missed you, right?"
"I doubt that, Dawn. After all, I was the weakest link here, everybody had to worry about me getting them killed, right?"
"That's not true and you know it!"
"Well, it's true and I do know it. You weren't there, Dawn. You were sleeping upstairs. Your sister, Willow and Giles all agreed. I was to be kept out of things. The only thing I was deemed good enough for was to babysit you. Anyway, the past is the past. We can't change it so why dwell on it, right?"
"Does that mean that you're going to be staying here?"
"No, I'm here to take care of some business. You can ask the others about it when you see them. When I'm finished, I'm out of here for good."
The casual way in which Xander dismissed everything she'd said or the others, hurt Dawn. She could see that Xander was trying to be indifferent about things but he was angry. So very angry that it almost physically hurt her.
"Where will you go", she asked timidly.
"Wherever they'll send me."
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, I think it's time I go to the shop. I'm sure the others are there. You'll find out about what's been going on there."
Xander stood up and walked out of the shop, Dawn on his heels.
"You got a car?"
"No, it's in the shop."
"Come on then, I'll drive you."
Minutes later, they arrived at Xander's SUV and drove off. Several minutes later, he parked in front of the Magic Box; walking inside the store, Dawn felt an unexplained chill permeate the air. Looking at Xander, it was as if he'd replaced his usual demeanor with one of hardened resolve. It was something she wasn't used to seeing on him and it gave her a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.
"Hello Tara."
"Uhm, hello Xander. Hi Dawn. They're in the back."
Without so much as a word, Xander walked to the back of the shop and into the trainingroom, Dawn on his heels. The minute she stepped inside, all hopes she had regarding a tearful reunion were destroyed as Buffy walked up to Xander without saying a word and slapped him hard enough to make him loose his balance.
"Nice to see you too, Buffy. Anybody else waiting to take potshots at me? First one is free, the next one, you pay. Dearly."
"You have the gall to come in here after what you pulled last night", Buffy questioned in a tight voice.
Buffy was terrified; she'd hit Xander hard and she couldn't for the life of her understand why she'd done it. She was happy to see him after all these years but last night, the way he'd behaved. Ever since his entrance, his behaviour had thrown her. It was like she was on a rollercoasterride with no way of stopping the cars as they kept speeding up. She wanted to apologize for whatever it was that had caused this rift between them, but she couldn't. Pride wouldn't let her. Buffy had a feeling that same pride would damage whatever was left between her and Xander and there was nothing she could do about it.
"Nobody ever accused me of being the brightest light in the universe, Slayer. Besides, I'm not here for anything resembling a tearful reunion. If you recall, Big Bad equals Research equals ways to kick its six. Found anything, Giles?"
Xander walked passed Buffy as if she wasn't even there, to lean against the large table, covered with books in varying sizes. Dawn walked up to Buffy and put a hand on her shoulder. Buffy turned to look at her sister and Dawn could see the unshed tears threatening to spill. But Buffy wouldn't let them, she'd be damned if she showed any more weakness. Dawn vowed to get her sister to talk and tell her and the others about Xander's feelings and perceptions. When she'd done that, she'd be kicking their butts all over the place; nobody deserved to be treated like that. No one.
"Even if we've found something, Xander, what makes you think that we're going to tell you?"
The anger was clearly visible in Giles' face, make that 'Ripper's' face.
"Indeed, we don't know whose side you are on, Xander. For all we know, this is just a way for you to hurt us", Wesley added, standing next Giles. Xander could see that both men were ready to fight him, if necessary. It brought a grin to his face, a grin that rocked everybody who saw it; it was the grin of a predator.
"I take it you've finally been able to locate my file."
When no acknowledgement was forthcoming, he continued as he walked around the room, stopping next Willow as she sat behind her computer, not daring to look up at him.
"If I wanted to hurt anyone of you, none of you could stop me. Unlike you people, I have no compunction to killing humans. Just because you're fighting demons, doesn't mean there are no other horrors. I've seen them up close and personal and believe me, evil is not just part of the demon world. Humans have it too. Isn't that true, Ripper? The difference between you and me is that I don't go for the revenge drive, Giles. I do my job to the best of my abilities."
"Revenge is no issue with you? Then explain why you shot Angel, Xander!"
Xander turned towards Buffy, regarding her cooly after her outburst.
"That was self-defense, Buffy. I don't like him, I'll admit that. Don't ever put me in a situation where I'm alone with him because only one of us would come out of there. He attacked me, I defended myself. If you'll recall, I didn't shoot Wesley, even though he too came after me. I'm sure Angel is feeling much better now, especially since I'm sure you've been tending to his every need."
"No Buffy", Dawn said softly, holding on to her sister's arm, stopping her from tackling Xander.
"So, I take it that's it then. Since you won't be telling me what I need to know, I'm left to my own devices. Not that that is anything new for me. See you around."
With those words, Xander walked out of the store and drove off, leaving a stunned audience behind. Faith, Cordelia and Cassandra walked into the shop as Xander drove away. Seeing the tight faces of the others, Cordelia turned to Tara, asking her what had happened. Before she could answer, a loud voice interrupted them.
"Are you people stupid, bullheaded or just plain asses?"
"Dawn, please, this does not concern you."
"Doesn't concern me, Giles? How dare you say that", she raged as she stepped up to him, thrusting a finger into his chest.
"Xander sacrificed his life to save me. He did the same for all of you here at one time or another and you just kick him to the curb! Because he's got no powers? Who died and made you god?"
"Dawn, it's not that. This isn't our Xander."
"Really Willow? Could have fooled me. What tipped you off, the fact he's not been our Xander since you all decided to cut him out of helping you with fighting evil? Or the fact that he doesn't need powers or use strength-enhancing drugs to fight them?"
"Dawn, that's not what Willow means."
"No, Buffy, then what does she mean, enlighten me."
Buffy watched her sister, as she stood there in the middle of the room, eyes ablaze with anger and sighed. This was going to be hard to explain to her, hell, it was hard to explain it to herself.
"Last night, Xander was here after helping both me and Faith and Spike and Cassandra out. He shot Angel, threatened the rest of us, he just didn't act like he normally would. He might have been under the influence of something or someone."
"Buffy, you are so blind you can't even see it, can you?"
"What do you mean, Dawn?"
"Of course this isn't the old Xander, it's been over eight years. People change, him more so than any of us. And you know why he changed? Because you forced him to change, Buffy. You, Willow and Giles."
"What do you mean, Dawn? I admit, I wasn't here but I doubt this Xander is the product of something your sister and his friends did."
"Faith, how did you feel when everybody kept telling you that you had to be more like Buffy?"
Faith looked at Dawn then towards Buffy with an apologetic shrug.
"I didn't like it. They made me feel like I was inferior or something. They didn't accept me like I was. Everything Buffy did was okay, no problem. If I did something, I was chewed out like it was a cardinal sin I'd committed. It just got too much", she said, softly, remembering all the pain and suffering it had caused. Buffy, Willow, Giles and Wesley looked on uncomfortable, knowing that it was true and that they were as much to blame as Faith was for her turning.
"Xander was the only one who didn't try and make me become a Buffy-clone."
"That's probably because he could imagine how you felt, what you've been through. He never talked about his life at his parents house, but I got the feeling that it was more of a hellhole then anything else", Dawn said softly, squeezing Faith's hand. "You two had more in common that you think.
Why did you decide to cut him out, Buffy? Why did you decide that it was time that Xander not help you anymore with the slaying? Why did you decide that he would be better off babysitting me? Not that I needed a babysitter, Glory was gone and I was fifteen at the time. I think I was old enough to stay by myself at home. You went out at night slaying at that age."
"How did you know that", Buffy said, taken aback at Dawn's words. They crushed all hopes that she had that Xander had had another reason for getting away from them.
"Xander told me. He overheard you guys talking that night. He walked out of the hospital because he didn't see any of you after he came out of the coma and was worried. He walked out of the hospital while he was still in the ICU! Doesn't that tell you how much he cares? He doesn't care about his own safety. He does care about us. Show me one person here he hasn't saved at one time or another. No destiny, no powers, no nothing and yet, he still went ahead and did the right thing. And you decided that it was time for him to just sit on his hands? Buffy, I love you, you're my sister but right now, I can't stand the sight of you. You drove him away and that is something you have to live with. I doubt he'll ever be able to forgive you."
Dawn turned around and walked out of the store, angrier then she'd ever been. She didn't hear Buffy's quiet words as she slammed the frontdoor closed.
"I doubt I'll ever be able to forgive myself."
"So, I take it we ain't going to be working with Mr. Marine, huh", Cassandra stated as she picked up a slice of the pizza she'd brought with her.
"Knowing Xander, he'll be around, watching our back", Faith countered as she walked to Buffy and pulled the other slayer with her.
Faith and Buffy sat down on the back stairs as Faith began to chew her pizza slice. Buffy declined, not feeling hungry. She kept looking at her shoes, as if they were the most fascinating things in the world.
"You should go after him."
"What?"
"B., you should go after him, grab hold of him and beg his forgiveness. Even if he doesn't forgive you, at least you'll be able to move on."
"What makes you think I need Xander's forgiveness to move on?"
"B., look at yourself. You've not been yourself for years now, girl. One moment, you're happy and carefree, then you see something that reminds of you of him and you turn all contemplative. None of your dates have lasted more then an hour before you tell them you don't feel too good. Hell, you've not been out on a date in over a year! And the guys you date? They all look like Xander."
"Oh please, spare me! That's not true."
"Isn't it? From what I've seen, it's true and Willow agrees with me on that. She's miserable too; no matter what Tara tries, nothing can pull Willow out of her funk. Just like you, she is happy one moment, the next she's crying her eyes out. Remember when we went to the park for that picnic? Halfway through, she started talking about the one the three of you went to, during high school. She couldn't finish the story coz she started crying and ran off. The way I see it is that you have to swallow your pride and go to him on your knees of need be."
Buffy contemplated Faith's words for a moment before answering.
"Why should I even try, Faith? I've hurt him so much over the years. That stupid decision was the last straw. I always thought Xander would be there for me, you know. Every guy I've ever known left me. Pike, Angel, Riley. Then there were those idiots like Scott and Parker. Through it all, Xander never left. He was like a rock, you know?"
"Your cornerstone."
"Yeah. Then he left and it was my fault. Again. I used him, abused him, hurt him in so many ways. I ripped his heart out time and again and still he stayed. I took it for granted that he'd stay no matter what I did."
"Then you found out that that wasn't true. We're only human, B. Humans can only take so much before they snap. Telling him he was worthless was the straw that broke the camel's back."
"I had hoped that I'd learned that after the whole Sisterhood of Jhe fiasco. Without him, none of us would be alive. Faith, what am I going to do?"
Buffy turned to Faith with tears in her eyes and dark-haired slayer took her older friend into a tight hug.
"You go out there and find him, you talk to him, make him listen and beg. Beg like you've never begged before. You'll swallow your pride and beg, asking for his forgiveness and if he'll give you another chance. But give me a chance to talk to him first, okay?"
"Why?"
"B., I've done a lot of crappy things when I worked for the mayor. I never got the chance to fix things with Xander. Even so, he helped me. I need to ask his forgiveness too and thank him for everything. Maybe I can smooth things over for you, you know?"
"Thanks, Faith, you're a real friend."
"Hey B., you've been there for me too, you know. Consider it payback time."
With a last hug, the two slayers parted and finally Buffy managed to take a bite from the pizza in front of her. A tiny spark of hope burned in her heart that maybe things would get better soon.