Title: Home and Heart
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer story.
By: Ghostrider
Summary: What happens when your heart is ripped apart by those you love? A slayerette's return after years of absence causes old wounds to be ripped open.
Rating: R
Authors Notes: This story takes place approximately 8 years after the events in the this season's last episode. Personally, I don't like the ending, it's too convenient. So I rewrote it to what I would have wanted to see. Furthermore, I would like to thank my Beta-readers Ozmandayus, Banquo and Scb047 for everything they've done.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, the WB and UPN own the characters.
Chapter 8
*** 1821 PM, July 13th, unspecified underground location, Sunnydale, CA ***
"My Lord, he has left his lair with the Slayer named Faith."
"Pieces are set, the game is in motion, my faithful friend. Soon, I'll be savoring that which I've been waiting on for millenia", the dark, hissing voice stated from the shadows.
"This world and all its insignificant beings will be my toys for eternity. Finally, I'll be free. Free to go as I please. Free to conquer every other dimension, this chattle as my footsoldiers."
"Forgive me my ignorance, My Lord, but why did you see fit to warn the seer and the warrior of your impending ascension? Would it not be more prudent to strike when they are least prepared?"
A booming laugh, rolling of the cave's walls like thunder, echoed through the underground halls as the Lord's attendant stood by respectfully. His master turned around and walked over to an ornately carved wooden cabinet, opening it. Retrieving an old tome from it, he turned to his attendant.
"Why indeed. I've been on this plane for millenia, Gras'nvor. I have waited and waited until the time was right, until all the pieces were finally in place. What kind of anti-climax would it be if I just went and grabbed those pieces and performed the ceremony? No, my oldest friend, no, that would simply not do."
Gras'nvor dutifully followed his master as he sat down in his throne, pouring a steaming liquid into a golden chalice and offering it to him.
"I walked this earth since before man was even a simple molecule in the primordial ooze. I've battled this world's gods and defeated them. Odin, Zeus, the Roman Godlings, all fell before me. All, except this one. The One who banished me to a life underneath this filth that populates the world above. I knew this day would come so I awaited it patiently. HE has been complacent, not alerting his warriors as I had hoped so I did it for Him. I need a challenge. It's been too long since I've had a real challenge, old friend. And this small band of warriors has proven to be quite a challenge over the years, don't you agree?"
"Yes, My Lord. As you say. However, I must question this. They've defeated everything thrown at them, from lowly vampires to the Godling Glory. They've defeated dead and Hell itself. What if they find a way to thwart your plans, My Lord?"
"My dear Gras'nvor, I am counting on it. Makes the game all the more fun, don't you agree? The thrill of battle, living against the odds, taking the risk. Yes, I've set them on the road, now it's time for them to find the signs. If they are truly worthy of this honor I bestowed on them, then this will be a most glorious battle indeed. Let the game begin."
His boisterous laughter rang through the underground caverns, the echoes sending demons and vampires alike, scurrying, terrified about what was to come.
*** Same time, July 13th, Willy's Bar, Sunnydale, CA ***
Willy's Bar. A safe haven for all creatures that lurk at the edges of your nightmare. A neutral meeting place where demons of all ilk come for a drink, to swap stories or just to plain drink their miseries away. It just so happens that those miseries almost always center around this town's protectors of the night, the Slayers and their band of helpers.
As for the proprietor of this fine establishment? He's currently tied to a chair as all around him, piles of ash, puddles of slime and assorted broken bodies lie around him, some moaning, the rest would never get up again. Faith and Alex had entered the bar not more then 5 minutes ago. Almost immediately, its patrons had set onto the pair, trying to take them down. Those were the unlucky ones. Faith was perched on the bar, one slim, leather-clad leg dangling off the side, the other on top, her elbow resting on it, hand supporting her head. In the other hand, she was twirling her knife.
"It's always the same, you know, boy toy? Me or my gals come in here, these freaks decide to mess with us and they get their asses kicked. It's boring, ya know? Other places, they just try to pick you up for a night of wild sex. You wouldn't believe the pickup lines I've heard."
"Maybe it's your magnetic personality or those dangerously seductive looks of yours that makes them all go nuts, Faith", Alex said as he wiped one of his knives clean of some purplish slime.
"You really think so", she asked, impersonating a ditzy voice and batting her eyelashes like some stereotypical dumb blonde.
"Ooh, my, I'm so like... flattered."
Hiding the grin that threatened to show from her performance, Alex turned to Willy, who was sweating and looking from him to Faith nervously.
"Look Slayer, you've got to stop coming in here and killing all my clients. It's bad for business, you know?"
"Willy, the last time I was here, none of your customers laid a finger on me. They were all sitting around, nursing their drinks. So, I had to beat you up a bit, what's new? It's the same standard song-and-dance routine we've established for years now. Now, all of a sudden, these guys have a deathwish? Something doesn't add up."
"I agree, Faith. It smells to high heaven."
"Wouldn't that be the remains of this dismemberment party?"
"Nah, that just adds a little flavor, right Willy?"
"Look, pal, I don't know who you are but could you please cut me loose? These ropes are cutting off my circulation."
"Willy, Willy, Willy. You know the drill", Alex said as he tapped Willy's nose.
"I may have been away for a while but I doubt it has changed much. You're still the information broker in town. Coupled with the fact that your customers tried to rip us apart, that tells me there is something big they know. Since they knew it, you know it too. So, spare us the macho bull and start talking before I decide I have to hurt you to get the info."
"I'd listen to him, Willy. He's mucho serious. And cranky. I think he didn't get his bran this morning; he's all clogged up and that makes him really unpleasant to be around."
Annoyed Alex turned to Faith; the answering smirk made him roll his eyes. This woman knew which buttons to push and she enjoyed it way too much!
"Look, I'm a simple bartender/owner. I quit the information business a long time ago, alright? I can't keep getting my customers killed because of you people. Do you know what the insurance is on this place? Every time one of the slayers gets in here, it's like a warzone. So, I'm sorry but I don't know anything. Now could you untie me, please?"
With a sigh, Alex walked away from Willy, as if going to the door. Turning around quickly, he pulled out a KZ-45 and fired a single .45 round. The thunderous explosion of sound reverberated through the bar as the left rear leg of the chair was cut short several inches. Willy screeched loudly while Faith jumped off the countertop behind the bar. As the noise died down, she cautiously looked over the bar onto a sight that made her shiver. Xander had turned into the same dark messenger of death she'd seen the night before.
For most of the night, she'd seen more then enough glimpses of the boy she'd know all those years ago but even the faintest trace was now gone. His brown eyes had turned almost obsidian, lacking the trademarked Xander warmth and mirth. It was like looking into twin pools of the coldest ice. Even his voice seemed to have been coated in steel. Faith realized one thing; the man before her was not someone she'd want to be on the wrong side of. The black gun he was holding seemed like an extension of his being, as much a part of him as his arms, his legs or his heart.
"Willy, unlike the Slayer, I'm not constrained by such rules as not killing humans. In fact, my human kill ratio far exceeds that of my non-human kill ratio. So, be smart and listen to Faith. Tell us what we want to know and you'll live to pay those rising insurance rates. Although, I think I'd prefer a quick dead to those rates. Those insurance guys are more evil then any demon or vamp I've ever met", Alex said in a conversational tone. To an outsider it would look like he was ordering breakfast.
The chill that had run through her earlier was now replaced with naked fear and that was something that was almost foreign to Faith. But right now, right here, she was terrified beyond belief. Looking at Willy, she noticed he'd paled considerably and was sweating profusely.
"Alright, alright! Couple of weeks ago, some new demon moved into town! Very big and not just in the power department. Wanted to set himself up as demon king or whatever. The then current vamp master wasn't too keen on the idea. The new guy quickly made him see the light, literally. That's after he personally killed over three dozen vamps and demons with his bare hands. They couldn't even touch him! Don't know who he is, what he is or where he is, all I know is that every demon, vamp and other creature that goes bump in the night now works for him. He's having them lay low for now. I think he's waiting for something and before you ask, no I don't know and none of the demons in this town knows either. That's all I know! I swear!"
Faith knew that Willy was telling the truth, he was too scared not to. Besides, Willy may have been catering to the demon community but at heart, he was a good guy and had more often then not given them tips about some new big evil in town that was planning on doing something that would get a lot of people killed. But she wasn't sure about Xander though. It seemed that he was ready to kill Willy with as much effort and thought it required most others to squash a bug. When he put the gun away, she breathed a sigh of relief, grateful for not having to take him down as she slowly put the bottle down underneath the counter.
"Cut him loose, Faith", Alex said as he moved to the bar and placed several bills on top.
"I hope next time I come here for information, Willy, you'll do me the courtesy of telling me what I want without too much prompting."
With those words he walked out of the bar as Faith cut the balding barkeeper loose from his bonds.
"Geez, Faith, who the hell is your friend? He's worse then most of my customers", Willy exclaimed, shaking all over. He stumbled to the bar, grabbing the nearest bottle of liquor and drinking deeply from it. Looking at the door Xander had disappeared through, Faith answered him in a soft voice.
"He used to be Xander."
The look of surprise on Willy's face would have been comical under any other circumstance but now it was just plain scary.
"The Harris kid? I always thought he was out there somewhere but ... oh man, this is way too much. I've always known he was the strongest of you lot, but he's worse then the things you fight, girl. You better be careful with him around you, he might turn on you."
"Thanks, Willy, I'll keep it in mind."
"I'm serious, Slayer. He's a loose cannon, waiting to explode. I don't know what is going on but I do know it's gonna get messy. This guy could crack and then we'd all be in serious trouble. I think I'm gonna take that vacation I've been putting off; you should think about doing the same."
Faith turned to the frightened barkeeper, smiling slightly.
"Thanks for the advice, Willy but you know I can't do that. Not with this new baddie in town."
"Yeah, I know but I don't want to come to your funeral or any of your friends any time soon. Just watch your step."
Faith nodded and walked out of the bar; outside, she found Xander sitting on his bike, smoking another of his thick, long cigars. Caught between anger and fear, she walked up to him.
"What was that all about in there, Xan? Have you just lost it? Where the fuck do you get off, threatening people with dismemberment? It's not how we do things here, in case you've forgotten!"
The answer she got wasn't the one she'd expected. No loaded silence, no 'I do what needs to be done' speech, no terse reply to shut up and get on the bike. Instead what she got was laughter, pure unadulterated laughter. The kind you hear when someone has pulled the biggest prank in history. The kind you let loose when you're watching a slapstick movie, during the scene with the pie fight in the bakery.
Faith looked at Xander with astonishment, thinking he'd finally cracked, that he'd finally lost what vestiges of sanity he'd had left. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he was holding his sides, trying to breathe as he laughed, almost doubled over on the bike.
"Di-... Did you see the loo- ... the look on his face... when... when I shot that chair? I though he .... he was going to piss ... piss his pants!"
"Xander, are you telling me that you were playing him", Faith asked in astonishment. The sight of Xander howling at the moon like some crazed hyena was almost as frightening as his display earlier in the bar.
"Like a .... like a violin! Oh man, that was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time."
Alex felt as if a weight had been lifted from his chest; he hadn't laughed like that in years and it felt good. It felt liberating. He looked back at Faith as he wiped his cheeks, his chest rumbling with aftershocks, causing him discomfort from his bruised ribs. Then he was punched, hard, in the shoulder, almost toppling him from his bike.
"What the hell was that for?"
"If you ever scare me like that again, boy toy, I'm gonna put some serious hurting on you!"
"Faith, you should know me better then that, at least, I had hoped you would. But then again, we didn't spent much time together."
The hurt tone in his voice made her feel small again, remembering the pain she'd caused him. Placing a hand on his bruised shoulder, she was about to apologize again, when he shook his head, placing a finger on her lips.
"Don't. It's in the past."
Nodding silently, Faith fought the urge to suck his finger into her mouth and play with it. The warmth that shot through her by his simple gesture was almost overwhelming her senses. The coldness when he removed it made her shiver involuntarily and she surpressed a moan of disappointment. Looking into his eyes, she saw a bit of the old Xander mischief and Faith couldn't help the small grin from forming on her face. That was all it took and both burst out laughing at what had happened in the bar.
"Geez, Xan, you put the fear of God into poor Willy. He'll probably have to change is pants!"
"Just doing my part to help the poor drycleaners in town."
Laughing, she stepped onto the bike, wrapping her arms around Xander's waist, reveling in the warmth his body seemed to impart on hers. Resting her head between his shoulders, Faith inhaled his scent, savoring it, as they rode off into the night.
*** 1945 PM, July 13th, Sunnydale Park, Sunnydale, CA ***
Buffy and Cassandra were patrolling together, Angel and Spike tailing them, just out of sight. Nobody knew were Faith was; she'd called in and had said she'd be tagging along with Xander. Willow, Cordelia, Tara and Dawn were still researching, going through books and the internet databases, while Wesley and Giles were contacting the Watcher's Council and anyone else who might know what was happening.
Both women hadn't said much during the previous fortyfive minutes after leaving Giles' shop and it was beginning to grate on Cassandra's nerves. Usually, Buffy could talk about anything, like most women would, except in their case, the topics included slaying, among stuff like boys, clothing, the latest hot singers and stuff like that. The younger slayer looked at her predecessor sideways, noticing the lost look, covering her like a cloak. Buffy's eyes were cast to the ground, her arms wrapped around herself.
"You know, that'll make you age a lot quicker."
"Huh?"
"That contemplative slash brooding look? You'll get all wrinkly and puffy in the face, way before your time. Then you'll be thinking that Cher had the right idea and before you know it, you're at some plastic surgeon's expensive practice, getting your face lifted."
"Uhm, what are we talking about here?"
"Exactly my point, we're not talking. I'm observing that you're somewhere else with your mind and it causes your face to frown up like a lemon left too long in the sun. All wrinkly."
"Thank you for that unwanted mental image. But what's your point?"
"Buffy! You've been quiet girl ever since we left the shop. For all I know, you've been like this since yesterday. It's freaky!"
"What do you want me to say", asked Buffy as she stopped walking, looking at the playground they were just passing. The swings were there, the same swings, she and Xander had sat on, on some patrol nights, talking about everything and nothing.
"How about you tell me about this Xander character? Since I've been here, nobody has ever talked about him. I never knew he even existed! Then suddenly, he reappears and all of you are wigging out over this guy! He's all Mister Psycho but you all jump to his defense. Even Angel, for crying out loud! What's with this guy that you all feel so strongly about? I think I've got a right to know."
"You want to know about Xander Harris? He's the bravest, strongest, most loyal man I've ever known. Without him, none of us would have been here."
"Well, that's just great! Is that all there is to tell about him? You make him sound like the second coming."
Buffy sighed, as she walked onto the playground, sitting down on one of the swings. Pushing off softly, she tucked in her legs, letting the momentum carry her back and forth, her eyes closed. Cassandra watched her silently, arms crossed in front of her, for a few minutes. When no more words were forthcoming, she blew an errand strand of hair out of her face and sat down on the next swing.
"First day at a new school and I bump into a cute guy with horrible dress sense, the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen and a smile that could melt ice. This guy, having bumped into the new girl, is tongue-tied, making him seem even cuter. But I wasn't looking for romance just then. You know, new school, new people, bad academic record among other things. To make a long story short, I didn't think much about him for the rest of the day, until I met Willow. I'd hooked up with her coz she was the resident genius and I needed someone who knew their stuff. Slaying had kept me so busy my grades had slipped to dangerous territory. Little did I know, she was also friends with said guy.
That same day, we found a kid stuffed in a locker, killed by vamps. The guy overheard me talking to Giles and that night, he followed me when I'd seen Willow get out of the Bronze with an eighties reject, obviously a vamp. We found her, got her and Jesse, another friend of theirs out of the vamps clutches and I send them away, so I could take care of the rest of the vamps there. If I had gone with them, Jesse might still be alive. Instead, a few nights later, his best friend was forced to stake him. Ever since then, Xander has been by my side, watching over me. We had a master vampire in town then, trapped underneath the Hellmouth. I was prophesied to die according to the Codex. Nobody did anything, even I had finally given up and decided that you can't fight a prophesy."
Buffy looked up at the sky, seeing the stars twinkling as her mind transported her back in time, to the underground lair of the master. She could still feel his hands around her throat, the pain and euphoria as his teeth sank into her flesh, sucking her blood. The draining of her strength, the way her body fell into the pool of water. She could still feel her life slipping away slowly as darkness descended on her.
Cassandra listened intently to her story; it was the first time any of the Scoobies had talked about their shared past. Finally, a glimpse was being revealed inside the life of the most successful slayer of all time.
"From darkness, suddenly, there was light. I felt my spirit being pulled back into my body, horrible pain as water was expelled from my lungs. When I finally opened my eyes, I saw twin brown orbs gazing at me with so much love and concern, I thought I'd reached heaven. His smile... His smile, it sent shivers down my spine. It was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. But back then, I didn't know what I had. Once I saw Angel was there, I forgot everything about the boy who saved my life. The man who'd defied the prophesy, defied everyone who said it couldn't be done."
"You did thank him later, right. I mean, the guy brings you back from the death, you thank him, right? He knew you cared about him."
"Oh, yeah, I thanked him. Not that night, but I thanked him", Buffy said, choking slightly as tears started to fall again.
"Angel and I had a falling out. I was so wrapped up in him that I couldn't see straight. So one night, at the Bronze, I asked Xander to dance. You should have seen his face. I knew how he felt about me and I threw myself at him. His eyes, they said it all. It was as if all his dreams had finally come out. We danced, I saw Angel there and then I danced. I asked Xander if I'd ever thanked him for saving my life and then I began to dance. It was the most seductive, sexy dance I've ever done in my life. It was like I was looking down at someone else, dancing around a pole at a strip club, making sure that Angel saw everything. Then I left him standing there, in the middle of the dancefloor. I tore Xander's heart out, ripped it apart and stomped what remained into the ground."
Cassandra winced internally, picturing the scene in her mind. She couldn't believe someone would do something like that. A new understanding for Xander's behavior was revealed and finally she understood why he acted like he did. Looking at her predecessor, Cassandra saw the light reflected in the tears that ran down her face, sympathy and anger warring within her.
"That wasn't the first time, nor the last that I hurt him. That we hurt him."
Buffy told more tales of Xander, his triumphs and his failures, the Halloween incident, how he'd protected her and Cordelia then as a soldier. The horrible home life he'd had. Being possessed by the Hyena spirit, his fight against Jack O'Toole and his gang. How he'd saved every member of the Scoobie gang, how he was the one that made the connection about how to defeat the Judge. How he'd helped plan the destruction of the Mayor and planned the counter-assault and led the student army. How he'd stood his ground against Angelus in the hospital corridor. Not telling her that Willow was performing the soul restoration spell again. How he was the heart of the group, signified by the card he'd gotten in their final battle against Adam. Everything she told Cassandra. Even what had transpired during the last battle against Glory.
"Glory had knocked me down and was about to skewer me with her sword. I was too groggy from her punches to do anything but just lie there. Suddenly, he was there, between us. Their swords were clashing; I'd never seen him so determined, so focussed. He managed to stab her through and flung her through the portal. Without the power of the Key, it killed her, scattering her molecules over thousands of dimensions. Xander then freed Dawn who clung to him, crying. But before I could get to them, Xander just toppled. He fell like he had no bones in his body left!"
Buffy's breathing hitched as she closed her eyes, trying to get that horrible image out of her mind. Taking a shaky breath, she continued.
"Dawn screamed and tried to wake him up. When I finally managed to get to them, I saw what had happened. Glory had gouged him open with her hands. His whole stomach looked like some wild animal had torn it open with their claws. There was blood everywhere, so much blood. We got him to the hospital just in time. He ... he died in the OR. Twice they had to bring him back, twice! He was in a coma for days after he was moved to the ICU. The doctors didn't give him much chance of survival. And we weren't there. None of us were there with him, giving him a reason to hang on. None of us."
Cassandra stood up then, wrapping her arms around Buffy, rubbing her back. The younger slayer didn't know what to say to help Buffy. So much guilt and pain, no wonder all of them felt so protective of Xander. She could understand him better now. His anger, the way he acted and carried himself. She didn't know what she would have done had she been the one to receive such treatment from people she called friends and family.
"Why weren't you there? What was so important that you could leave someone who'd given so much for all of you alone, Buffy? What?"
Pulling from Cassandra's embrace, Buffy rubbed her palms over her face, trying to remove the evidence of her tears as she stood up and walked around the swings aimlessly.
"What was so important?"
"Dawn."
At Cassandra's questioning look, Buffy smiled sadly and told her how the monks had somehow transported them to their compound. How the monks had removed all the energy from Dawn, turning her into a normal, healthy young girl. The reason why they hadn't been by their best friend's side during his time of need.
"Buffy, the Xander you told me about, would understand that you couldn't be there with all of that going on. That wouldn't have pushed him so over the edge. The man we saw, he's filled with anger towards you and the Scoobies. Not towards Dawn. With her, he was totally different, from what I could see when they walked in."
"Dawn already told him what happened, why we weren't there."
"Then there is something you're not telling me. The boy and man you described, he wouldn't leave. He would come looking for you, Buffy. No way would he just up and leave without saying a word, when he doesn't know if you guys are still alive or death. So something else must have happened. Something you haven't told me yet."
Buffy's breath hitched again, the lump in her throat so big, she could hardly breath. Her heart was breaking as she remembered that night. It had become her nightmare, her greatest failure and her greatest betrayal. Buffy couldn't begin to forgive herself for it, how could she expect Xander to forgive her?
Cassandra saw the raw emotion playing across Buffy's face, the haunted look in her eyes and her heart was breaking for the older woman. Whatever it was that she was holding inside, it was eating her alive. It was the same look she'd seen in Willow's and Giles' eyes on occasion, but right here, right now, she knew nothing those two felt could come close to what Buffy was going through.
"Buffy?"
"I betrayed him."
Cassandra was looking intently at Buffy, waiting for her to continue. The older Slayer had stopped walking and was watching the stars in the night sky, seemingly deep in thought. Cassandra noticed the slight hitching of her shoulders, signifying more tears. Hesitantly, she walked up behind Buffy, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"You betrayed him, how?"
"The night we got back, he was there. He had to have been there, outside, by the window. I saw a shadow but was too tired to think too much about it, but it had to be him."
Cassandra waited patiently for Buffy to continue, slowly rubbing her back, letting her know she was there. But it seemed as if Buffy was somewhere else, somewhere far away. Her eyes seemed to glaze over as the memories returned in perfect clarity.
"I can't go through this anymore. I've already lost my mom. Anya died trying to save Dawn and Xander. He's in the hospital, near death!"
Buffy was frantically pacing through Giles' livingroom, her face haggard from all the stress of the last few months. Giles came out of the kitchen, a tray with tea and cups balanced in his hands.
"Buffy, please sit down. I just called the hospital. Xander is going to be fine. He woke up a few days ago and according to his doctor, his condition is improving markedly. So stop worrying. You're wearing in hole in the floor."
Buffy sat down with a sigh, her body aching and accepting the cup of tea Giles handed her. He busied himself with filling the other cups and handing them out. Finally, he himself sat down, sipping his tea.
"Buffy, if it weren't for Xander, you'd be death. So would Dawn and all of us. Earth would be at the mercy of demons", Willow countered.
"Don't you think I know that, Wills? He saved me. All of us, again. And what does he get in return? He gets gutted, that's what!"
Buffy screamed out the last sentence, then the tears started to come, hot torrents down her cheeks. Resting her face in her hands, she cried hot tears for her friend, who lay in the hospital. Willow sat down next to her, holding her tightly. Finally, Buffy got a hold of herself and looked up at the others.
"I've lost too many people already. First mom, then Anya. I came this close to loosing Dawn. Tara almost died and now Xander."
"Xander isn't dead, Buffy", Giles interrupted.
"No, not this time. But there have been too many close calls. This was just the last one in a long line of many. He somehow has got it into his mind that he's my guardian angel or something. Protecting me from harm. It's stupid and it's gonna get him killed."
The room was silent as the occupants thought over the Slayer's last words, thinking over the consequences of those words.
"That's it. He can't come on patrol with me anymore. It's just too dangerous; you saw what happened? He almost got himself killed again, for the umpteenth time! He has no skills, is worthless in battle and always gets in the way."
"Buffy, you don't have to be so negative. I do agree with you but don't you think it's something he has to decide for himself?"
"No, Willow, you know how he is. He'll whine and bitch about it and insist that he can contribute, but we all know that isn't true. He was at death's door when we brought him to the hospital."
"I'm afraid Buffy is right, Willow. Xander has no combat skills at all. You and Tara have your Wiccan powers, I am a Watcher and have been trained in many forms of martial arts. Spike... well, as much as I want to deny it, he has proven to be quite the ally. Xander would only bring more danger upon us as we try to keep him safe during the fighting. A distraction like that could kill any one of us; think of the guilt that would cause him."
"I know all that but with all that has happened... I mean, does he even know Anya is dead? If he finds out and hears that we don't want him along, who knows what he'll do? Xander will not take this lying down."
"That's what I'm afraid of, that he'll do something stupid, like seeking revenge by going up against a bunch of vamps. What if he decides to walk into Willy's bar to pick a fight? How do we protect him? I'm not loosing anymore people, Willow."
"But if we don't keep him close, he'll go out alone, Buffy."
"Then we keep him at home, someone needs to stay with him. He can baby-sit Dawn when I'm out patrolling."
"The idea has merit, Buffy. I'm sure Dawn will benefit from Xander's presence, as will he. They can help each other heal, as can we all. Things will be calm for the time being, I surmise."
"You people are all daft", came another British voice from the stairs. Looking up, they saw Spike descend the stairs.
"Spike! Who asked you?"
"Slayer, you don't have to ask me to give my opinion and in my opinion, you are all daft. You want Harris out of the group? Without him, you're nothing! All of you! You already said it yourself, he's saved each of your asses more times then I can count. Slayer, who was it that kept you and the prissy teen queen save while me and my goons were after you on Halloween? You were afraid of pictures, Bloody Hell!
And you, Rupes, who was it that got your tweed butt out of Angel's mansion? Who was it that kicked Glory's arse? You may have softened her up a bit, Summers, but the coup de grace came from Harris. I've got tons of stories about how Xander Harris saved all your butts at one time or another, sometimes even without your knowledge. And you want to kick him out? Well, that's par for the course for you bleedin' idiots. Just trample on the guy like so much dirt you wipe off your boots. And that's what calls themselves friends. Ha, you make me sick!"
Spike kept muttering curses under his breath as he walked into the kitchen and got himself a packet of blood.
"Spike, Xander is my best friend and I'm not going to lose him because he thinks he's got to save us. In case you haven't noticed, the people in this room can take care of themselves. He may have been soldier boy once but none of that is still with him."
"And whose fault is that? If you or the Watcher here had taken the time to help him train, he would be a lot better at fighting then he's now! And let me tell you, he's damn good already, but you won't see it. What with your superiority complex and all. It's always Slayer knows best. If it wasn't so pathetic, I'd laugh. You say he's your best friend, but you treat him like crap, Slayer! Nobody deserves that, especially not someone you say is your best friend. I'm outta here, you people make me sick."
"Early the next morning, the phonecall came. The hospital called to let us know Xander had disappeared. I'd never been so scared in all my life when we got there. Nobody could understand how he'd managed to get out. We thought maybe some of Glory's helpers had kidnapped him, or some other demons or vamps had decided now was a good time to take on the Slayer by taking out her friends.
We tore through Sunnydale, from one end to the other, underground and anywhere else we could think of. We used everything we had to find him, but he was gone. I was a mess. I blamed myself and I was right. He'd heard us. That shadow I thought I'd seen? It had to have been Xander. He heard me talk about him, how I didn't want him involved and he left."
Buffy turned around, facing Cassandra.
"I am responsible for doing what I wanted to prevent! Instead of saving him, I destroyed him, Cassandra. I destroyed him! I was so intent on keeping him safe that I pushed him away. I lost everything that day. But he lost even more because of me. I did what I'd resolved never to do again. I destroyed his heart."
The memories overwhelmed Buffy and she sank to her knees, sobbing, briefly wondering how it was possible for her to have more tears to shed. Buffy did something she hadn't done in a very long time. She prayed. She prayed that she could bring up the courage to talk to Xander. She prayed that he would forgive her. She prayed that somehow, they might get their friendship back. Her sobs filled the night as Cassandra watched over the older woman awkwardly.
Somewhere near, but deep underground, a massive figure watches the images playing across the rippling pool of water as Buffy Summers, kneeling, cries. Moving a hand over the water, the images disappear in the ripples.
"And so it continues, my dear Gras'nvor. Divide and Conquer."
His attendant merely bowed slightly in acknowledgment.
"I told that stupid wench that her trying to keep Harris out of the fight would only bring trouble, but did she listen? No. Stupid Miss-know-it-all-slayer", Spike hissed out, as he watched the two women on the playground.
"I didn't know you cared, Spike."
"Sod off, Angelus! I care, yes. I've been here too damn long not to care. He should have just killed you and be done with it."
"Buffy's in love with him."
"And you just figured it out? Wow, gotta love those braincells of yours, Angelus. She's been in love with him for over 10 years, but she didn't realize it until he'd left. Must be the haircolor."
Even though his heart went out to Buffy, Angel couldn't help but chuckle at Spike's statement.
"What?"
Noticing where Angel was glancing at, Spike got even more pissed off.
"Oh, sod off, you bloody wanker. Stupid Irishman, it's bleach so lay off."
"If you say so."
Both vampires quieted down, both of them silently sending their strength to the woman they'd both loved and hoping that she could recapture some of what was lost all those years ago.
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer story.
By: Ghostrider
Summary: What happens when your heart is ripped apart by those you love? A slayerette's return after years of absence causes old wounds to be ripped open.
Rating: R
Authors Notes: This story takes place approximately 8 years after the events in the this season's last episode. Personally, I don't like the ending, it's too convenient. So I rewrote it to what I would have wanted to see. Furthermore, I would like to thank my Beta-readers Ozmandayus, Banquo and Scb047 for everything they've done.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, the WB and UPN own the characters.
Chapter 8
*** 1821 PM, July 13th, unspecified underground location, Sunnydale, CA ***
"My Lord, he has left his lair with the Slayer named Faith."
"Pieces are set, the game is in motion, my faithful friend. Soon, I'll be savoring that which I've been waiting on for millenia", the dark, hissing voice stated from the shadows.
"This world and all its insignificant beings will be my toys for eternity. Finally, I'll be free. Free to go as I please. Free to conquer every other dimension, this chattle as my footsoldiers."
"Forgive me my ignorance, My Lord, but why did you see fit to warn the seer and the warrior of your impending ascension? Would it not be more prudent to strike when they are least prepared?"
A booming laugh, rolling of the cave's walls like thunder, echoed through the underground halls as the Lord's attendant stood by respectfully. His master turned around and walked over to an ornately carved wooden cabinet, opening it. Retrieving an old tome from it, he turned to his attendant.
"Why indeed. I've been on this plane for millenia, Gras'nvor. I have waited and waited until the time was right, until all the pieces were finally in place. What kind of anti-climax would it be if I just went and grabbed those pieces and performed the ceremony? No, my oldest friend, no, that would simply not do."
Gras'nvor dutifully followed his master as he sat down in his throne, pouring a steaming liquid into a golden chalice and offering it to him.
"I walked this earth since before man was even a simple molecule in the primordial ooze. I've battled this world's gods and defeated them. Odin, Zeus, the Roman Godlings, all fell before me. All, except this one. The One who banished me to a life underneath this filth that populates the world above. I knew this day would come so I awaited it patiently. HE has been complacent, not alerting his warriors as I had hoped so I did it for Him. I need a challenge. It's been too long since I've had a real challenge, old friend. And this small band of warriors has proven to be quite a challenge over the years, don't you agree?"
"Yes, My Lord. As you say. However, I must question this. They've defeated everything thrown at them, from lowly vampires to the Godling Glory. They've defeated dead and Hell itself. What if they find a way to thwart your plans, My Lord?"
"My dear Gras'nvor, I am counting on it. Makes the game all the more fun, don't you agree? The thrill of battle, living against the odds, taking the risk. Yes, I've set them on the road, now it's time for them to find the signs. If they are truly worthy of this honor I bestowed on them, then this will be a most glorious battle indeed. Let the game begin."
His boisterous laughter rang through the underground caverns, the echoes sending demons and vampires alike, scurrying, terrified about what was to come.
*** Same time, July 13th, Willy's Bar, Sunnydale, CA ***
Willy's Bar. A safe haven for all creatures that lurk at the edges of your nightmare. A neutral meeting place where demons of all ilk come for a drink, to swap stories or just to plain drink their miseries away. It just so happens that those miseries almost always center around this town's protectors of the night, the Slayers and their band of helpers.
As for the proprietor of this fine establishment? He's currently tied to a chair as all around him, piles of ash, puddles of slime and assorted broken bodies lie around him, some moaning, the rest would never get up again. Faith and Alex had entered the bar not more then 5 minutes ago. Almost immediately, its patrons had set onto the pair, trying to take them down. Those were the unlucky ones. Faith was perched on the bar, one slim, leather-clad leg dangling off the side, the other on top, her elbow resting on it, hand supporting her head. In the other hand, she was twirling her knife.
"It's always the same, you know, boy toy? Me or my gals come in here, these freaks decide to mess with us and they get their asses kicked. It's boring, ya know? Other places, they just try to pick you up for a night of wild sex. You wouldn't believe the pickup lines I've heard."
"Maybe it's your magnetic personality or those dangerously seductive looks of yours that makes them all go nuts, Faith", Alex said as he wiped one of his knives clean of some purplish slime.
"You really think so", she asked, impersonating a ditzy voice and batting her eyelashes like some stereotypical dumb blonde.
"Ooh, my, I'm so like... flattered."
Hiding the grin that threatened to show from her performance, Alex turned to Willy, who was sweating and looking from him to Faith nervously.
"Look Slayer, you've got to stop coming in here and killing all my clients. It's bad for business, you know?"
"Willy, the last time I was here, none of your customers laid a finger on me. They were all sitting around, nursing their drinks. So, I had to beat you up a bit, what's new? It's the same standard song-and-dance routine we've established for years now. Now, all of a sudden, these guys have a deathwish? Something doesn't add up."
"I agree, Faith. It smells to high heaven."
"Wouldn't that be the remains of this dismemberment party?"
"Nah, that just adds a little flavor, right Willy?"
"Look, pal, I don't know who you are but could you please cut me loose? These ropes are cutting off my circulation."
"Willy, Willy, Willy. You know the drill", Alex said as he tapped Willy's nose.
"I may have been away for a while but I doubt it has changed much. You're still the information broker in town. Coupled with the fact that your customers tried to rip us apart, that tells me there is something big they know. Since they knew it, you know it too. So, spare us the macho bull and start talking before I decide I have to hurt you to get the info."
"I'd listen to him, Willy. He's mucho serious. And cranky. I think he didn't get his bran this morning; he's all clogged up and that makes him really unpleasant to be around."
Annoyed Alex turned to Faith; the answering smirk made him roll his eyes. This woman knew which buttons to push and she enjoyed it way too much!
"Look, I'm a simple bartender/owner. I quit the information business a long time ago, alright? I can't keep getting my customers killed because of you people. Do you know what the insurance is on this place? Every time one of the slayers gets in here, it's like a warzone. So, I'm sorry but I don't know anything. Now could you untie me, please?"
With a sigh, Alex walked away from Willy, as if going to the door. Turning around quickly, he pulled out a KZ-45 and fired a single .45 round. The thunderous explosion of sound reverberated through the bar as the left rear leg of the chair was cut short several inches. Willy screeched loudly while Faith jumped off the countertop behind the bar. As the noise died down, she cautiously looked over the bar onto a sight that made her shiver. Xander had turned into the same dark messenger of death she'd seen the night before.
For most of the night, she'd seen more then enough glimpses of the boy she'd know all those years ago but even the faintest trace was now gone. His brown eyes had turned almost obsidian, lacking the trademarked Xander warmth and mirth. It was like looking into twin pools of the coldest ice. Even his voice seemed to have been coated in steel. Faith realized one thing; the man before her was not someone she'd want to be on the wrong side of. The black gun he was holding seemed like an extension of his being, as much a part of him as his arms, his legs or his heart.
"Willy, unlike the Slayer, I'm not constrained by such rules as not killing humans. In fact, my human kill ratio far exceeds that of my non-human kill ratio. So, be smart and listen to Faith. Tell us what we want to know and you'll live to pay those rising insurance rates. Although, I think I'd prefer a quick dead to those rates. Those insurance guys are more evil then any demon or vamp I've ever met", Alex said in a conversational tone. To an outsider it would look like he was ordering breakfast.
The chill that had run through her earlier was now replaced with naked fear and that was something that was almost foreign to Faith. But right now, right here, she was terrified beyond belief. Looking at Willy, she noticed he'd paled considerably and was sweating profusely.
"Alright, alright! Couple of weeks ago, some new demon moved into town! Very big and not just in the power department. Wanted to set himself up as demon king or whatever. The then current vamp master wasn't too keen on the idea. The new guy quickly made him see the light, literally. That's after he personally killed over three dozen vamps and demons with his bare hands. They couldn't even touch him! Don't know who he is, what he is or where he is, all I know is that every demon, vamp and other creature that goes bump in the night now works for him. He's having them lay low for now. I think he's waiting for something and before you ask, no I don't know and none of the demons in this town knows either. That's all I know! I swear!"
Faith knew that Willy was telling the truth, he was too scared not to. Besides, Willy may have been catering to the demon community but at heart, he was a good guy and had more often then not given them tips about some new big evil in town that was planning on doing something that would get a lot of people killed. But she wasn't sure about Xander though. It seemed that he was ready to kill Willy with as much effort and thought it required most others to squash a bug. When he put the gun away, she breathed a sigh of relief, grateful for not having to take him down as she slowly put the bottle down underneath the counter.
"Cut him loose, Faith", Alex said as he moved to the bar and placed several bills on top.
"I hope next time I come here for information, Willy, you'll do me the courtesy of telling me what I want without too much prompting."
With those words he walked out of the bar as Faith cut the balding barkeeper loose from his bonds.
"Geez, Faith, who the hell is your friend? He's worse then most of my customers", Willy exclaimed, shaking all over. He stumbled to the bar, grabbing the nearest bottle of liquor and drinking deeply from it. Looking at the door Xander had disappeared through, Faith answered him in a soft voice.
"He used to be Xander."
The look of surprise on Willy's face would have been comical under any other circumstance but now it was just plain scary.
"The Harris kid? I always thought he was out there somewhere but ... oh man, this is way too much. I've always known he was the strongest of you lot, but he's worse then the things you fight, girl. You better be careful with him around you, he might turn on you."
"Thanks, Willy, I'll keep it in mind."
"I'm serious, Slayer. He's a loose cannon, waiting to explode. I don't know what is going on but I do know it's gonna get messy. This guy could crack and then we'd all be in serious trouble. I think I'm gonna take that vacation I've been putting off; you should think about doing the same."
Faith turned to the frightened barkeeper, smiling slightly.
"Thanks for the advice, Willy but you know I can't do that. Not with this new baddie in town."
"Yeah, I know but I don't want to come to your funeral or any of your friends any time soon. Just watch your step."
Faith nodded and walked out of the bar; outside, she found Xander sitting on his bike, smoking another of his thick, long cigars. Caught between anger and fear, she walked up to him.
"What was that all about in there, Xan? Have you just lost it? Where the fuck do you get off, threatening people with dismemberment? It's not how we do things here, in case you've forgotten!"
The answer she got wasn't the one she'd expected. No loaded silence, no 'I do what needs to be done' speech, no terse reply to shut up and get on the bike. Instead what she got was laughter, pure unadulterated laughter. The kind you hear when someone has pulled the biggest prank in history. The kind you let loose when you're watching a slapstick movie, during the scene with the pie fight in the bakery.
Faith looked at Xander with astonishment, thinking he'd finally cracked, that he'd finally lost what vestiges of sanity he'd had left. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he was holding his sides, trying to breathe as he laughed, almost doubled over on the bike.
"Di-... Did you see the loo- ... the look on his face... when... when I shot that chair? I though he .... he was going to piss ... piss his pants!"
"Xander, are you telling me that you were playing him", Faith asked in astonishment. The sight of Xander howling at the moon like some crazed hyena was almost as frightening as his display earlier in the bar.
"Like a .... like a violin! Oh man, that was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time."
Alex felt as if a weight had been lifted from his chest; he hadn't laughed like that in years and it felt good. It felt liberating. He looked back at Faith as he wiped his cheeks, his chest rumbling with aftershocks, causing him discomfort from his bruised ribs. Then he was punched, hard, in the shoulder, almost toppling him from his bike.
"What the hell was that for?"
"If you ever scare me like that again, boy toy, I'm gonna put some serious hurting on you!"
"Faith, you should know me better then that, at least, I had hoped you would. But then again, we didn't spent much time together."
The hurt tone in his voice made her feel small again, remembering the pain she'd caused him. Placing a hand on his bruised shoulder, she was about to apologize again, when he shook his head, placing a finger on her lips.
"Don't. It's in the past."
Nodding silently, Faith fought the urge to suck his finger into her mouth and play with it. The warmth that shot through her by his simple gesture was almost overwhelming her senses. The coldness when he removed it made her shiver involuntarily and she surpressed a moan of disappointment. Looking into his eyes, she saw a bit of the old Xander mischief and Faith couldn't help the small grin from forming on her face. That was all it took and both burst out laughing at what had happened in the bar.
"Geez, Xan, you put the fear of God into poor Willy. He'll probably have to change is pants!"
"Just doing my part to help the poor drycleaners in town."
Laughing, she stepped onto the bike, wrapping her arms around Xander's waist, reveling in the warmth his body seemed to impart on hers. Resting her head between his shoulders, Faith inhaled his scent, savoring it, as they rode off into the night.
*** 1945 PM, July 13th, Sunnydale Park, Sunnydale, CA ***
Buffy and Cassandra were patrolling together, Angel and Spike tailing them, just out of sight. Nobody knew were Faith was; she'd called in and had said she'd be tagging along with Xander. Willow, Cordelia, Tara and Dawn were still researching, going through books and the internet databases, while Wesley and Giles were contacting the Watcher's Council and anyone else who might know what was happening.
Both women hadn't said much during the previous fortyfive minutes after leaving Giles' shop and it was beginning to grate on Cassandra's nerves. Usually, Buffy could talk about anything, like most women would, except in their case, the topics included slaying, among stuff like boys, clothing, the latest hot singers and stuff like that. The younger slayer looked at her predecessor sideways, noticing the lost look, covering her like a cloak. Buffy's eyes were cast to the ground, her arms wrapped around herself.
"You know, that'll make you age a lot quicker."
"Huh?"
"That contemplative slash brooding look? You'll get all wrinkly and puffy in the face, way before your time. Then you'll be thinking that Cher had the right idea and before you know it, you're at some plastic surgeon's expensive practice, getting your face lifted."
"Uhm, what are we talking about here?"
"Exactly my point, we're not talking. I'm observing that you're somewhere else with your mind and it causes your face to frown up like a lemon left too long in the sun. All wrinkly."
"Thank you for that unwanted mental image. But what's your point?"
"Buffy! You've been quiet girl ever since we left the shop. For all I know, you've been like this since yesterday. It's freaky!"
"What do you want me to say", asked Buffy as she stopped walking, looking at the playground they were just passing. The swings were there, the same swings, she and Xander had sat on, on some patrol nights, talking about everything and nothing.
"How about you tell me about this Xander character? Since I've been here, nobody has ever talked about him. I never knew he even existed! Then suddenly, he reappears and all of you are wigging out over this guy! He's all Mister Psycho but you all jump to his defense. Even Angel, for crying out loud! What's with this guy that you all feel so strongly about? I think I've got a right to know."
"You want to know about Xander Harris? He's the bravest, strongest, most loyal man I've ever known. Without him, none of us would have been here."
"Well, that's just great! Is that all there is to tell about him? You make him sound like the second coming."
Buffy sighed, as she walked onto the playground, sitting down on one of the swings. Pushing off softly, she tucked in her legs, letting the momentum carry her back and forth, her eyes closed. Cassandra watched her silently, arms crossed in front of her, for a few minutes. When no more words were forthcoming, she blew an errand strand of hair out of her face and sat down on the next swing.
"First day at a new school and I bump into a cute guy with horrible dress sense, the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen and a smile that could melt ice. This guy, having bumped into the new girl, is tongue-tied, making him seem even cuter. But I wasn't looking for romance just then. You know, new school, new people, bad academic record among other things. To make a long story short, I didn't think much about him for the rest of the day, until I met Willow. I'd hooked up with her coz she was the resident genius and I needed someone who knew their stuff. Slaying had kept me so busy my grades had slipped to dangerous territory. Little did I know, she was also friends with said guy.
That same day, we found a kid stuffed in a locker, killed by vamps. The guy overheard me talking to Giles and that night, he followed me when I'd seen Willow get out of the Bronze with an eighties reject, obviously a vamp. We found her, got her and Jesse, another friend of theirs out of the vamps clutches and I send them away, so I could take care of the rest of the vamps there. If I had gone with them, Jesse might still be alive. Instead, a few nights later, his best friend was forced to stake him. Ever since then, Xander has been by my side, watching over me. We had a master vampire in town then, trapped underneath the Hellmouth. I was prophesied to die according to the Codex. Nobody did anything, even I had finally given up and decided that you can't fight a prophesy."
Buffy looked up at the sky, seeing the stars twinkling as her mind transported her back in time, to the underground lair of the master. She could still feel his hands around her throat, the pain and euphoria as his teeth sank into her flesh, sucking her blood. The draining of her strength, the way her body fell into the pool of water. She could still feel her life slipping away slowly as darkness descended on her.
Cassandra listened intently to her story; it was the first time any of the Scoobies had talked about their shared past. Finally, a glimpse was being revealed inside the life of the most successful slayer of all time.
"From darkness, suddenly, there was light. I felt my spirit being pulled back into my body, horrible pain as water was expelled from my lungs. When I finally opened my eyes, I saw twin brown orbs gazing at me with so much love and concern, I thought I'd reached heaven. His smile... His smile, it sent shivers down my spine. It was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. But back then, I didn't know what I had. Once I saw Angel was there, I forgot everything about the boy who saved my life. The man who'd defied the prophesy, defied everyone who said it couldn't be done."
"You did thank him later, right. I mean, the guy brings you back from the death, you thank him, right? He knew you cared about him."
"Oh, yeah, I thanked him. Not that night, but I thanked him", Buffy said, choking slightly as tears started to fall again.
"Angel and I had a falling out. I was so wrapped up in him that I couldn't see straight. So one night, at the Bronze, I asked Xander to dance. You should have seen his face. I knew how he felt about me and I threw myself at him. His eyes, they said it all. It was as if all his dreams had finally come out. We danced, I saw Angel there and then I danced. I asked Xander if I'd ever thanked him for saving my life and then I began to dance. It was the most seductive, sexy dance I've ever done in my life. It was like I was looking down at someone else, dancing around a pole at a strip club, making sure that Angel saw everything. Then I left him standing there, in the middle of the dancefloor. I tore Xander's heart out, ripped it apart and stomped what remained into the ground."
Cassandra winced internally, picturing the scene in her mind. She couldn't believe someone would do something like that. A new understanding for Xander's behavior was revealed and finally she understood why he acted like he did. Looking at her predecessor, Cassandra saw the light reflected in the tears that ran down her face, sympathy and anger warring within her.
"That wasn't the first time, nor the last that I hurt him. That we hurt him."
Buffy told more tales of Xander, his triumphs and his failures, the Halloween incident, how he'd protected her and Cordelia then as a soldier. The horrible home life he'd had. Being possessed by the Hyena spirit, his fight against Jack O'Toole and his gang. How he'd saved every member of the Scoobie gang, how he was the one that made the connection about how to defeat the Judge. How he'd helped plan the destruction of the Mayor and planned the counter-assault and led the student army. How he'd stood his ground against Angelus in the hospital corridor. Not telling her that Willow was performing the soul restoration spell again. How he was the heart of the group, signified by the card he'd gotten in their final battle against Adam. Everything she told Cassandra. Even what had transpired during the last battle against Glory.
"Glory had knocked me down and was about to skewer me with her sword. I was too groggy from her punches to do anything but just lie there. Suddenly, he was there, between us. Their swords were clashing; I'd never seen him so determined, so focussed. He managed to stab her through and flung her through the portal. Without the power of the Key, it killed her, scattering her molecules over thousands of dimensions. Xander then freed Dawn who clung to him, crying. But before I could get to them, Xander just toppled. He fell like he had no bones in his body left!"
Buffy's breathing hitched as she closed her eyes, trying to get that horrible image out of her mind. Taking a shaky breath, she continued.
"Dawn screamed and tried to wake him up. When I finally managed to get to them, I saw what had happened. Glory had gouged him open with her hands. His whole stomach looked like some wild animal had torn it open with their claws. There was blood everywhere, so much blood. We got him to the hospital just in time. He ... he died in the OR. Twice they had to bring him back, twice! He was in a coma for days after he was moved to the ICU. The doctors didn't give him much chance of survival. And we weren't there. None of us were there with him, giving him a reason to hang on. None of us."
Cassandra stood up then, wrapping her arms around Buffy, rubbing her back. The younger slayer didn't know what to say to help Buffy. So much guilt and pain, no wonder all of them felt so protective of Xander. She could understand him better now. His anger, the way he acted and carried himself. She didn't know what she would have done had she been the one to receive such treatment from people she called friends and family.
"Why weren't you there? What was so important that you could leave someone who'd given so much for all of you alone, Buffy? What?"
Pulling from Cassandra's embrace, Buffy rubbed her palms over her face, trying to remove the evidence of her tears as she stood up and walked around the swings aimlessly.
"What was so important?"
"Dawn."
At Cassandra's questioning look, Buffy smiled sadly and told her how the monks had somehow transported them to their compound. How the monks had removed all the energy from Dawn, turning her into a normal, healthy young girl. The reason why they hadn't been by their best friend's side during his time of need.
"Buffy, the Xander you told me about, would understand that you couldn't be there with all of that going on. That wouldn't have pushed him so over the edge. The man we saw, he's filled with anger towards you and the Scoobies. Not towards Dawn. With her, he was totally different, from what I could see when they walked in."
"Dawn already told him what happened, why we weren't there."
"Then there is something you're not telling me. The boy and man you described, he wouldn't leave. He would come looking for you, Buffy. No way would he just up and leave without saying a word, when he doesn't know if you guys are still alive or death. So something else must have happened. Something you haven't told me yet."
Buffy's breath hitched again, the lump in her throat so big, she could hardly breath. Her heart was breaking as she remembered that night. It had become her nightmare, her greatest failure and her greatest betrayal. Buffy couldn't begin to forgive herself for it, how could she expect Xander to forgive her?
Cassandra saw the raw emotion playing across Buffy's face, the haunted look in her eyes and her heart was breaking for the older woman. Whatever it was that she was holding inside, it was eating her alive. It was the same look she'd seen in Willow's and Giles' eyes on occasion, but right here, right now, she knew nothing those two felt could come close to what Buffy was going through.
"Buffy?"
"I betrayed him."
Cassandra was looking intently at Buffy, waiting for her to continue. The older Slayer had stopped walking and was watching the stars in the night sky, seemingly deep in thought. Cassandra noticed the slight hitching of her shoulders, signifying more tears. Hesitantly, she walked up behind Buffy, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"You betrayed him, how?"
"The night we got back, he was there. He had to have been there, outside, by the window. I saw a shadow but was too tired to think too much about it, but it had to be him."
Cassandra waited patiently for Buffy to continue, slowly rubbing her back, letting her know she was there. But it seemed as if Buffy was somewhere else, somewhere far away. Her eyes seemed to glaze over as the memories returned in perfect clarity.
"I can't go through this anymore. I've already lost my mom. Anya died trying to save Dawn and Xander. He's in the hospital, near death!"
Buffy was frantically pacing through Giles' livingroom, her face haggard from all the stress of the last few months. Giles came out of the kitchen, a tray with tea and cups balanced in his hands.
"Buffy, please sit down. I just called the hospital. Xander is going to be fine. He woke up a few days ago and according to his doctor, his condition is improving markedly. So stop worrying. You're wearing in hole in the floor."
Buffy sat down with a sigh, her body aching and accepting the cup of tea Giles handed her. He busied himself with filling the other cups and handing them out. Finally, he himself sat down, sipping his tea.
"Buffy, if it weren't for Xander, you'd be death. So would Dawn and all of us. Earth would be at the mercy of demons", Willow countered.
"Don't you think I know that, Wills? He saved me. All of us, again. And what does he get in return? He gets gutted, that's what!"
Buffy screamed out the last sentence, then the tears started to come, hot torrents down her cheeks. Resting her face in her hands, she cried hot tears for her friend, who lay in the hospital. Willow sat down next to her, holding her tightly. Finally, Buffy got a hold of herself and looked up at the others.
"I've lost too many people already. First mom, then Anya. I came this close to loosing Dawn. Tara almost died and now Xander."
"Xander isn't dead, Buffy", Giles interrupted.
"No, not this time. But there have been too many close calls. This was just the last one in a long line of many. He somehow has got it into his mind that he's my guardian angel or something. Protecting me from harm. It's stupid and it's gonna get him killed."
The room was silent as the occupants thought over the Slayer's last words, thinking over the consequences of those words.
"That's it. He can't come on patrol with me anymore. It's just too dangerous; you saw what happened? He almost got himself killed again, for the umpteenth time! He has no skills, is worthless in battle and always gets in the way."
"Buffy, you don't have to be so negative. I do agree with you but don't you think it's something he has to decide for himself?"
"No, Willow, you know how he is. He'll whine and bitch about it and insist that he can contribute, but we all know that isn't true. He was at death's door when we brought him to the hospital."
"I'm afraid Buffy is right, Willow. Xander has no combat skills at all. You and Tara have your Wiccan powers, I am a Watcher and have been trained in many forms of martial arts. Spike... well, as much as I want to deny it, he has proven to be quite the ally. Xander would only bring more danger upon us as we try to keep him safe during the fighting. A distraction like that could kill any one of us; think of the guilt that would cause him."
"I know all that but with all that has happened... I mean, does he even know Anya is dead? If he finds out and hears that we don't want him along, who knows what he'll do? Xander will not take this lying down."
"That's what I'm afraid of, that he'll do something stupid, like seeking revenge by going up against a bunch of vamps. What if he decides to walk into Willy's bar to pick a fight? How do we protect him? I'm not loosing anymore people, Willow."
"But if we don't keep him close, he'll go out alone, Buffy."
"Then we keep him at home, someone needs to stay with him. He can baby-sit Dawn when I'm out patrolling."
"The idea has merit, Buffy. I'm sure Dawn will benefit from Xander's presence, as will he. They can help each other heal, as can we all. Things will be calm for the time being, I surmise."
"You people are all daft", came another British voice from the stairs. Looking up, they saw Spike descend the stairs.
"Spike! Who asked you?"
"Slayer, you don't have to ask me to give my opinion and in my opinion, you are all daft. You want Harris out of the group? Without him, you're nothing! All of you! You already said it yourself, he's saved each of your asses more times then I can count. Slayer, who was it that kept you and the prissy teen queen save while me and my goons were after you on Halloween? You were afraid of pictures, Bloody Hell!
And you, Rupes, who was it that got your tweed butt out of Angel's mansion? Who was it that kicked Glory's arse? You may have softened her up a bit, Summers, but the coup de grace came from Harris. I've got tons of stories about how Xander Harris saved all your butts at one time or another, sometimes even without your knowledge. And you want to kick him out? Well, that's par for the course for you bleedin' idiots. Just trample on the guy like so much dirt you wipe off your boots. And that's what calls themselves friends. Ha, you make me sick!"
Spike kept muttering curses under his breath as he walked into the kitchen and got himself a packet of blood.
"Spike, Xander is my best friend and I'm not going to lose him because he thinks he's got to save us. In case you haven't noticed, the people in this room can take care of themselves. He may have been soldier boy once but none of that is still with him."
"And whose fault is that? If you or the Watcher here had taken the time to help him train, he would be a lot better at fighting then he's now! And let me tell you, he's damn good already, but you won't see it. What with your superiority complex and all. It's always Slayer knows best. If it wasn't so pathetic, I'd laugh. You say he's your best friend, but you treat him like crap, Slayer! Nobody deserves that, especially not someone you say is your best friend. I'm outta here, you people make me sick."
"Early the next morning, the phonecall came. The hospital called to let us know Xander had disappeared. I'd never been so scared in all my life when we got there. Nobody could understand how he'd managed to get out. We thought maybe some of Glory's helpers had kidnapped him, or some other demons or vamps had decided now was a good time to take on the Slayer by taking out her friends.
We tore through Sunnydale, from one end to the other, underground and anywhere else we could think of. We used everything we had to find him, but he was gone. I was a mess. I blamed myself and I was right. He'd heard us. That shadow I thought I'd seen? It had to have been Xander. He heard me talk about him, how I didn't want him involved and he left."
Buffy turned around, facing Cassandra.
"I am responsible for doing what I wanted to prevent! Instead of saving him, I destroyed him, Cassandra. I destroyed him! I was so intent on keeping him safe that I pushed him away. I lost everything that day. But he lost even more because of me. I did what I'd resolved never to do again. I destroyed his heart."
The memories overwhelmed Buffy and she sank to her knees, sobbing, briefly wondering how it was possible for her to have more tears to shed. Buffy did something she hadn't done in a very long time. She prayed. She prayed that she could bring up the courage to talk to Xander. She prayed that he would forgive her. She prayed that somehow, they might get their friendship back. Her sobs filled the night as Cassandra watched over the older woman awkwardly.
Somewhere near, but deep underground, a massive figure watches the images playing across the rippling pool of water as Buffy Summers, kneeling, cries. Moving a hand over the water, the images disappear in the ripples.
"And so it continues, my dear Gras'nvor. Divide and Conquer."
His attendant merely bowed slightly in acknowledgment.
"I told that stupid wench that her trying to keep Harris out of the fight would only bring trouble, but did she listen? No. Stupid Miss-know-it-all-slayer", Spike hissed out, as he watched the two women on the playground.
"I didn't know you cared, Spike."
"Sod off, Angelus! I care, yes. I've been here too damn long not to care. He should have just killed you and be done with it."
"Buffy's in love with him."
"And you just figured it out? Wow, gotta love those braincells of yours, Angelus. She's been in love with him for over 10 years, but she didn't realize it until he'd left. Must be the haircolor."
Even though his heart went out to Buffy, Angel couldn't help but chuckle at Spike's statement.
"What?"
Noticing where Angel was glancing at, Spike got even more pissed off.
"Oh, sod off, you bloody wanker. Stupid Irishman, it's bleach so lay off."
"If you say so."
Both vampires quieted down, both of them silently sending their strength to the woman they'd both loved and hoping that she could recapture some of what was lost all those years ago.