Title: Home and Heart
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer story.
By: Ghostrider
Summary: What happens when your heart is ripped apart by those you love? A slayerette's return after years of absence causes old wounds to be ripped open.
Rating: R
Author's Note: This story takes place approximately 8 years after the events in the this season's last episode. Personally, I don't like the ending, it's too convenient. So I rewrote it to what I would have wanted to see. Furthermore, I would like to thank my Beta-readers Ozmandayus, Banquo and Scb047 for everything they've done.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, the WB and UPN own the characters.
Chapter 10
*** 1213 PM, July 14th, Sunnydale Park, Sunnydale, CA ***
Willow was fidgeting on the bench as she watched her surroundings. Parents playing with their children, people cycling or rollerblading. Walking their dogs. Everybody around her seemed to be having a good time. Everybody except her. Here she was, ready to meet someone who was closer to her then a brother could ever be. That was if she had a brother. But then again, she was an only child so how would she know how close her and her brother would have been as opposed to how close she was to Xander? But then again, she didn't have a brother. Xander knew everything about her, every little detail that was Willow Rosenberg. Would a brother know that much? Maybe she'd talk to Buffy about it, her having a sibling and such. But Dawn was Buffy's sister and would that have any effect on how close the relationship would be? However, Dawn wasn't really Buffy's sister. She was just energy given human form. But the monks had removed the energy and made her permanent.
"You're babbling."
"Huh?"
Willow turned around, coming face to face with Xander, correction, Alex. He wanted to be called Alex. NO! This is Xander, not Alex. Xander! Remember that!
"You get that frown on your face, your nose is all scrunched up? Dead giveaway."
"Hi Xander", she said in a high pitched voice and with a wave of her right hand.
Alex couldn't help but smile at the antics of his Willow. She hadn't changed a bit. The hair was long and straight as he remembered her having it in high school. Nothing about her reminded him of the girl who'd gone to college and seemed to have forgotten all about him that first year. The mannerisms were still the same. It was as if time had stood still for Willow Rosenberg. Something he'd wished could have been true for all of them.
'Great going, Wills, he's gonna think you're a moron, instead of a mature, young woman', she admonished herself.
Taking a deep breath to calm the butterflies in her stomach, she straightened herself and looked at her oldest friend. Instead of the tall, lanky guy she'd known, he looked ... chiseled. A dark green, thick cotton button-down Columbia shirt over black Dockers and shoes, a dark brown leather aviator's jacket and stylish black Ray Ban's on his nose, Xander looked hot. Willow couldn't help it as a tiny voice in her mind supplied that thought, causing her to blush even more then she already did.
"Hello Willow, how are you?"
"Good! I'm good! Goodness and me we're a pair today. Yes sir. Nothing but good feelings today."
"Glad to hear it", Alex laughed, feeling some of the tension leave his body.
Willow looked as nervous as he felt; he'd been here an hour already, waiting for her to show up. Gathering the courage he needed to go over and speak with her. This was it, the first step towards redemption.
'You'd better not screw up, kid.'
"Easy, Will. Just breathe deeply a few times. Don't want you hyperventilating."
"I'm okay, it's just... You're back!"
"You hungry?"
"No! I mean, no, I'm not. Don't really have an appetite right now. But if you want something, maybe we could go over to that hot dog vendor. Or maybe somewhere else?"
"No, no, that's okay. I'm not really hungry either. Walk with me?"
Alex motioned for her to follow him and began walking slowly through the park, Willow falling into step next to him. The pair walked on for several minutes in tense silence.
"I've missed you."
Alex looked up at the small voice that spoke up. Willow had her head down, watching her feet as they walked, her hands clasped together in front of her.
"It's true, you know? I really missed my best friend."
Alex took a deep breath to calm his frayed nerves and to push down all the resentment and anger inside of him.
"How is that possible? Buffy didn't leave town as far as I know, so how could you miss her?"
Willow could hear the undertone of anger and pain in his question, shock, remorse and anger filling her that he could even think such a thing. She stopped walking, turning towards Alex and looked him straight in the eyes as he turned around and walked the few steps back to stand next to her again.
"Xander, you're my best friend!"
"Really? You have a funny way of showing it, Wills. A real funny way."
The accusatory undertone in his voice felt like a slap against her face. It also strengthened her resolve to get things out into the open, to pull her Xander back from whatever dark hole he was in, to pull him back into the Scoobies' ranks.
"What's that supposed to mean, Xander?"
"Well, from what I was told, a best friend supports you. Defends you when others try to hurt you. Stands up to bullies. That sort of thing. Like I did for you, against Cordy when we were in kindergarten. And any time after that."
"So you're saying that I've never stood up for you? Is that it?"
"You said it, I didn't."
Alex had resumed walking, his hands stuck deeply in his pockets. Willow couldn't believe what she was hearing, her mind trying to process what he'd just accused her of. Almost running to catch up with him, she grabbed his left arm and turned him around.
"That's the second time you've accused me of that. First two nights ago, when you showed up and just now! How can you say that when you know I've always been on your side. I've always defended you, stood up for you, just like you've always done for me. Tell me, how can you say that", Willow pleaded, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
"You let them take away my choice, Willow. You let them take away my choice when you agreed to keep me from doing my part. You did it when the Sisterhood of Jhe was trying to bring forth the Apocalypse. And again after we defeated Glory. I was always your best friend, me and Jesse, we were the three musketeers! Yet, as soon as Buffy came to town, that was history. Oh, not right away, but within a few short years, I was relegated to the back row of the theater. It was always Willow and Buffy, best friends. Remember college? You didn't want to be seen with a townie. How many times were you actually happy to see me when I came to visit? How many times did you tell me you had something or other to do so you didn't have to be seen with me? Or all the times when you sided with Buffy against me? Oh, he's just jealous. No, Xander is Xander. He doesn't know better, so please feel free to ignore him."
Willow could hear the betrayal in his voice; she was sure she could see it in his eyes, were he not wearing the dark glasses. It cut her through her soul, forming a lump in her throat, making it difficult to speak. Reaching out, she placed a soft hand against his cheek, softly stroking, her thumb brushing the area underneath his eye.
"Oh Xander, we only did that because we wanted to keep you safe. Don't you understand that? Neither Buffy nor I wanted to lose you. If that had happened...", she didn't finish her sentence, the lump in her throat cutting off any speech.
"I'm not a child, Willow. I knew damn well what was at stake. Hell, I was the one who found out about Buffy being the Slayer. I've fought side by side with you time and again. I've saved each of you at one time or another. I saved your life, I saved Giles' life. I've saved Buffy's life I don't know how many times! Even as soldier guy I was the one keeping the demons and vamps off Buffy's back!
And if it wasn't for me, the Judge would still be walking around, wouldn't he? Who was it that figured out the text only talked about forged weapons? Who was it that appropriated the rocket launcher? Who was it that came up with the battleplan to take down the Mayor and his goons? Or designed the bomb, got the materials and placed them inside the High School? Or led the students in the attack? Who was it that saved all your lives that night with those Apocalypse Demons?
It was all my choice, Willow. You had no right deciding for me, like I'm some little kid who doesn't know what dangers lurk around. Buffy had no right. Neither does Giles. I can get killed crossing the street. I can get hit by a falling piano. Over those things, I have no control. Whether I want to help you fight evil, that I do control. It is my decision. Nobody else has the right to decide for me, what's best for me or how I should live my life. The moment you did that, you showed how little you thought of me. You showed exactly what you thought of me. Namely, that I'm too stupid to do anything remotely worthwhile.
Well, I'm sorry I'm not a straight A student, I'm sorry I don't know any Wiccan stuff. I'm sorry I don't have Slayer powers; I'm sorry I don't have all the knowledge of the Watcher's Council at my beck and call and I'm sorry I'm not a chipped or souled vampire. I'm just Alexander Harris, one hundred percent human. No powers, no grand destiny. I'm just an ordinary human being. As such, I have the right to choose as guaranteed by the Universal Human Rights. That means that you don't get to choose what's best for me. Nor does Buffy Summers gets to choose what's best for me; or Giles. The only one who has that right, is me, Alexander Harris."
Silent tears ran down Willow's cheeks as Alex made his speech, her heart aching with each word he spoke. Every word he uttered crumbled another piece of her self-esteem. Every word destroyed another part of her self-image. No longer was she the pure, sweet Willow, the one who stood by her friends. The one who helped them, encouraged them, made them do the impossible. Instead, she saw what she had become; a young woman, who, because of her superior intellect and Wiccan powers, thought that she knew better then others what was right or wrong. She had become that which she had been fighting. She had made decisions regarding other people, simply because unconsciously, she felt she knew better what was good for them. Without knowing it, Willow had believed herself to be superior to others. The realization hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Goddess, what have I done", she whispered softly before throwing her arms around Alex, burying her face against his chest.
"I'm sorry, Xander. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Alex stood rigid for several long seconds, unsure of what to do as Willow's tears seeped into his shirt, his anger swirling through his body like fire. Her arms were tightly wound around him, sobs wracking her small body. Finally, shaking off his surprise, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tight against him. He held her tightly, rubbing her back slowly as her words penetrated the pain surrounding his heart.
*** 1254 PM, July 14th, Sunnydale Park, Sunnydale, CA ***
Alex and Willow were sitting side by side on a bench, nearest to the southern entrance to the park. Willow had finally managed to stop her crying, her eyes still puffy and red. Neither one had said anything for the last few minutes. Neither one knew how to start up the conversation after Willow's breakdown. Willow was surreptitiously sneaking glances at Xander, marveling at how much he had changed, while still retaining much of the old Xander.
"Xander?"
"Yes, Willow?"
"Are you still mad at me?"
Alex chuckled lightly, the question making Willow sound like a five-year old instead of the young woman she really was. The look on her face was full of hope and his heart nearly broke at the sight. Suddenly he felt as if all the pain he'd suffered all these years, real or imagined had disappeared.
"Come here."
He opened his arms and Willow moved into them quickly, a deep sigh escaping her lips as she snuggled close to him, her head on his chest. The beating of his heart was music to her ears; with a start, Willow realized it was one of the things she'd missed. So many little things that she'd taken for granted. Only now did she fully understand the extent of the pain and loneliness she'd experienced without her best friend.
"You didn't answer my question, Xander."
"What question?"
"Well, you know..."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do! I just asked it."
"Well, I've been hit in the head a few times, so my memory isn't what it used to be. Could you, like maybe, refresh it for me?"
Willow could hear the goofy grin on his face as she shifted her position into a more comfortable one. An answering smile played across her lips.
"Are you still mad at me, Xan?"
Willow could feel Xander's chest heave as he took a deep breath, preparing herself for... something... anything. Even though it seemed that Xander had forgiven her, indicated by her current position against his chest, there was still a lot of stuff that they needed to talk about.
"No. No, I'm not angry at you, Wills. At least, not anymore. I am, however, disappointed and hurt by your lack of trust in me."
Willow's breath hitched as he said those words, knowing that although he'd forgiven her, things between them were far from being okay again.
"I'm sorry. I know it doesn't help much, but it's all I can say. If there was any way I could take the pain and disappointment away, I would do it in a heartbeat. I just hope that someday, we'll recapture what we had before."
"I hope so too, Wills, I really do."
Nothing more was said as the two childhood friends held on to each other, trying to recapture at least a little part of the old times, the better times.
"I'm hungry."
Willow giggled softly; that was her Xander-shaped friend, alright. Always thinking with his stomach.
"We could go to Mamma Doria's, they serve the best Italian food in town."
"You buying?"
Her clear laughter rang through the park as Willow looked at her friend. Just like old times.
"What's it this time, Xan? Forgot your wallet?"
"Nope, just that the last time we were eating together, I footed the bill. So, now it's your turn", he returned with a lopsided grin.
"You remembered that?"
"Hey, when it comes to food, I'm the master."
"Sure, no problem. I'll just sell the house, my car and everything else I own", Willow answered, laughing.
"Hey! I resent that! You make it sound as if I am some sort of bottomless pit!"
"Xan, when it comes to food, you are", Willow countered, ticking him on the tip of his nose.
"Well, I'll try to restrain myself to half the menu, then", Alex said, a mock-suffering expression gracing his features.
A few minutes later, after a leisurely stroll through Sunnydale's center, they'd reached Mama Doria's. From the outside, it looked just like a any other shop in town, all concrete and steel. It was the inside, however, that gave it ambiance. The light colors of the walls was complemented by the old furniture, that seemed to be straight from a farmer's dining room. Dark wood, smoothed over from years of use, covered with soft pillows for comfort. Large tables with checkered table cloths and small candles burning on top. The soft strings of some classical Italian music wafting through the air combined with the heady smells of garlic, olive oil, Chianti and other uniquely Italian foods and spices could make you believe you'd stepped back into time in some small Italian village. After ordering their food, an awkward silence developed again.
"Is this how it's going to be from now on?"
"What do you mean, Wills?"
"These moments filled with awkward silences, furtive looks? We never used to be like this. We could talk for hours, about anything! You'd make silly jokes, I'd laugh. Now it seems like we've lost all that."
"Willow, I've been away for over eight years. And not under the best of circumstances. If there is something I've learned over the years, it's that some things take time. We're talking now. Things aren't what they used to be, but in time, it'll get better. Maybe not like it was but certainly a lot better."
Willow's smile threatened to split her face as she grabbed hold of his hands, squeezing them tightly. At that moment, their food arrived and both friends started eating in companionable silence.
"So, what have I missed?"
Willow looked up, grinning, licking some sauce off her lips.
"Well, Tara and I are still together after all these years. Although we've both found out we like guys also."
"Wills!", exclaimed a shocked Alex, almost choking on a forkful of bisteca. Pretty soon, all the anger, hurt and resentment were forgotten as two once best friends began to rekindle their lifelong bond.
*** 1631 PM, July 14th, near the Magic Box, Sunnydale, CA ***
"I had a great time today, Xander", Willow said, as she hugged Alex tightly.
"Me too. I'm glad I agreed to meet you."
"I still don't understand why you don't want to come in. I'm sure the others will be glad to see you. I can guarantee there will be no more fighting."
"Willow, not right now. I've had a great day so far. Let's not push it, okay?"
"Buffy, huh?"
"Yeah. But I'll be by tonight. Gotta pick up Faith, we're patrolling together again. Besides, there's some stuff I need to check out before then."
"What do you want me to tell Buffy?"
Xander looked up at the sky, watching the sun as it slowly descended, thinking deeply. Thinking of the blonde slayer gave him an ache in his heart.
"Tell her ... Tell her I'll see her tonight."
"She's missed you terribly, Xander."
"Willow, please. Not now."
"Yes, Xander, now", Willow answered forcefully, holding his hands tightly in her own.
"You need to hear this, whether you want to or not. I was a wreck when you turned up missing. Dawn blamed herself for weeks. Giles.. Well, he felt like he'd failed another one of his children, what with Anya dying and everything. And you are one of his children, Xander. If you believe one thing, believe that. You're like a son to him."
"He's my father, Wills", Alex whispered softly, his eyes tightly shut, keeping the tears in. For years, he'd loathed his life, how miserable his parents made him feel. How they ground his self-respect into the ground. Told him he'd never amount to anything. The countless beatings and emotional abuse he suffered. Everything he'd hidden behind a mask of humor and goofing off. Until Buffy Summers came into his life. With her, came the two persons he'd come to see as his real parents. Joyce Summers and Rupert Giles.
Joyce Summers had never belittled him or put him down. She'd made him feel better about himself, just by giving him a smile or by ruffling his hair. He still remembered the first time she'd found him curled up at the back entrance of her house. His father had come home again, drunk as usual. He still remembered the sound of the baseball bat as it made contact with his chest. The way he'd hit the wall. The frantic run for the front door and his mad scramble out of the house. He still didn't know how or why he'd gone to the Summers' residence nor how he'd gotten there.
Joyce had taken one look at the bedraggled form of Xander Harris and had ushered him in without a word. She had never asked any questions, just being there for him, taking care of him. And finally, he'd told her everything. He told her everything, everything that none of his friends knew, everything that was rotten in his life. And Joyce never judged him, never belittled him. All she did was be there for him, giving silent support, a shoulder to cry on, ears to listen. Buffy never knew that on the nights the abuse became too much, he'd come to her home and Joyce would take him in. Tend to his bruises. Hold him as he finally couldn't keep it in anymore and cried hot tears. How he'd sneak out in the early morning hours to go back to his house. The place where he kept his clothes and other possessions. His home was the Summers residence. He'd made that distinction early on and to this day it was the place where he felt safe.
Rupert Giles, for all his British stiff upper lip behavior, had become the other person in his life that he could look up to. At first, the Watcher was someone he could annoy with his jokes and general obnoxious behavior. But later, as he got to know him better, Xander began to look up to him more and more. Beginning to see a man who had more in common with him than he would have first thought. A man who had given him more chances, more help, more encouragement than his own father had given him. He began to see a man who himself had a checkered past, who had overcome that past and grown to become a man to be respected. Slowly, Xander began to realize that if Giles could do it, so could he. The late-nights researching that turned into quiet conversations between the two of them as the others slept, were some of his fondest memories.
"Then tell him, Xander. Tell him because he's never stopped blaming himself for you leaving. He felt like he'd failed you somehow."
"I will, I promise."
"You need to talk to Buffy too."
"Wills, you're pushing it", Alex growled.
"Xander, please. You have to talk to her. Out of all of us, she's the one who took it the hardest. When we couldn't find you, she'd go out alone and hunt. That's what she did. She didn't patrol anymore, she'd hunt. She'd take risks, huge risks. She shut all of us out, Xander. And she nearly died because of that."
"What? What do you mean?"
When Willow seemed reluctant to continue, Alex gripped her upper arms, squeezing and shaking her.
"Tell me what happened!"
"She had found a large nest of Gra' Loch demons and went in, alone as usual. Buffy barely got back home. Dawn found her the next morning on the front porch, nearly bled to death. She was in the hospital for three weeks. After that, she wouldn't come out of her room. She wouldn't talk, barely ate. We had to intervene somehow so all of us came to her place. Faith finally got her so mad, Buffy attacked her but as weak as she was, she couldn't do much damage. Buffy broke down, Xander. She broke down, crying like I've never seen her cry before.
After that, Buffy finally told us why she was behaving so irrationally. Xander, you left. The one person she could count on, the one person who had always been there for her, who protected her, had left her. She needed you more then she's needed anyone else, Xander. She blames herself for pushing away the one person who held and protected her heart. "
A punch to the solar plexus couldn't have hurt as much as those words from Willow had. Only Willow's arms stopped Alex from falling down, his legs feeling rubbery all of a sudden. The tears he'd managed to keep at bay burst forth, trailing hot tracks down his face.
"No!", he whispered.
"Yes, Xander. It took a long time for her to recover and even now she's not back to her old self. When she smiles, it doesn't reach her eyes. Buffy doesn't have fun anymore, like in the old days. We have to drag her out of the house to go dancing and even then, she just sits there, not really watching the crowd. She's had some dates but none of them have gone beyond first date status. When we ask, she just says they're not really her type."
"And that has to do with me because...", Alex asked, slowly regaining his senses.
"Because she's measuring them against you, who you are, what you are, Xander! Don't you get it? She loves you, Xan! Buffy loves you! When you left, her whole world was ripped apart! Her mother had died, and now you left! To her, it proved that she was destined to be alone. That everything, every life she touched ended in pain and suffering."
"That is not true! Willow, you know that that is not true. Without Buffy, all of us would have been dead years ago!"
"I know that, you know that. But with you leaving, that last piece of hope was ripped from her heart. Buffy needs you, Xan."
"I'm not in love with her, not anymore."
Willow smiled softly at her friend, caressing his cheek.
"I only said that she needs you. I never said you were in love with her, my Xander-shaped friend. Now why would you say something like that, I wonder? Is it because you want to deny to yourself that you still have feelings for her?", Willow stated with a small smile.
"Willow, that was ages ago."
"Maybe, but I can see it in your eyes. You may not be in love, but there is something there, just like with Buffy. You both need to heal; you both need to forgive the other. Stop hiding behind that wall of blame you use to protect yourself from living. Xander, it's time for both of you to let go of the past, stop merely existing and start living again. I love you, Xander and I'm hurting because I can see how much you hurt here," Willow said softly, placing a hand over his heart, feeling the steady thumb as it beat, pushing the blood throughout his body, keeping him alive.
Alex couldn't think of anything to say, so profoundly had her words shaken him. It was just too much to take in right now; the need for some solitude to put these revelations in perspective was great. With a soft kiss to her forehead, Xander left Willow and walked away, not once looking back. If he had, he would have seen the sad, tear-filled yes of one Buffy Anne Summers staring at his retreating back.
*** 1654 PM, July 14th, Garden of Eden Cemetary, Sunnydale, CA ***
Alex had to force himself not to run the whole way to this quiet place, instead taking the SUV and driving the two mile distance. Back to where it all began that lone night, 8 years ago. Again, like that night, he stood in front of the headstone, signifying the final resting place of the one person, who was more of a mother to him than his own had been for most of his life. Squatting in front of the gray marble, he ran his fingers reverently over the engraved lettering, gathering his jumbled thoughts.
"Hey Joyce... I mean... Mom."
Taking off his glasses, Alex vigorously rubbed his eyes, trying to push back the tears that burned at the edges.
"God, it feels so weird calling you that, you know? I've never said it to your face when you were alive. I wish I had. I wish so many things, mom. Maybe, if you had been my real mother, I'd maybe turned out to be a better person. Even so, those few years that you were with us...."
Alex took a deep, shuddering breath, his chest feeling constricted, like a weight was pressing on it; his throat felt full, a large lump cutting off all sound as his head dropped onto his chest.
"You saved me, mom. You saved me. Every kind glance you'd throw my way. Every time you'd ruffle my hair, shaking your head because I'd done or said something goofy. Every time you held me after I ran away from the hell that was my house. Every time you tucked me in. Countless little things. Things others take for granted. Things other people don't even notice. Every time you did one of those seemingly little things, you showed me more kindness than I've ever received from anybody else.
You enabled me to see the world through new eyes, Joyce. You showed me what it was like to be part of a real family. You made me feel loved. No, no you didn't", he said, shaking his head slightly, taking another deep breath to continue.
"You didn't make me feel loved. You loved me. With all my faults, all my stupidity, warts and all, you loved me. You took in a stray, the son of the town drunk and rebuilt his broken soul. You saved me from the darkness of despair and loneliness, mom and for that I'm eternally grateful."
Biting back a sob, Alex looked up at the slowly setting sun, running a hand through his short hair before turning back to the gravestone.
"I hope you understand why I had to leave. I didn't want to. I had to. Even if it was for the wrong reasons. Too much had happened. This town. It eats you alive if you let it. I needed to find myself, just like you said. I needed the time away to find out who Alexander Harris really is. Remember how we talked about it, during the last year of high school? That road trip of yours you told me about you went on after you graduated high school? How you told me not to plan a specific route, just to get out onto the open road and drive. Let the road take me where it leads. But again, the Harris luck struck as usual", he stated, chuckling.
"Well, I finally did it. Maybe not a road trip, per se. More like a trip to all the darkest, filthiest places man has ever known. But it helped a lot. I got to know Alexander Harris. The real Alexander Harris. I finally know who I am. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done. But I'm not disgusted about myself either, not like I used to be. I think... no, I hope, you're proud of me in some small way. I hope that you look down on me with a smile, knowing I am doing my best to do the right thing, even if it sometimes seems that the right thing is indistinguishable from the wrong thing.
I owe you a lot, Joyce. I owe you my life, my sanity and my soul. I can never repay you for all that you've done for me. God knows I tried. I promised you I'd take care of your girls. I know you had hoped I'd be here to do it, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I did my best though. I hope you know that. I have made sure they never wanted for anything. Hell, Buffy and Dawn seem to have done alright. I wish I could have done more but I couldn't stay here back then. I'm not sure I can stay here now."
Alex finally gave up the fight and let the tears come, burning a path down his cheeks as his fingers ran over Joyce Summers' name, his breathing hitched.
"Today, actually, not so long ago, a friend told me what almost happened after I left. You almost lost Buffy again. I never meant for it to go that far. You have to know that.", he pleaded.
"I never knew that she'd felt that way about me. That one person could have such an impact on someone's life. No, that's not true. I knew that one person could have that much of an impact. You did on me. I just never saw myself as having that much power over someone else's life. And yet, because of me, Buffy almost died. Not because I screwed up again and put her in danger. No, me leaving pushed her over the edge and she almost died because of that. I'm sorry. I'm so, so very sorry. If I had known.... If only I had known..."
Standing up, he wiped his eyes with his palms before putting the glasses back on.
"Willow told me something else today too. She told me Buffy loves me. Me! Can you believe it? The girl I've loved for what seemed almost my whole life, loves me! Me, the Zeppo! Screw up, good-for-nothing, son of the town drunk Harris. I loved her once, but you know that already. You could see it every time I looked at her. I could tell you knew. That small shake of your head when you saw how oblivious she was. Even when I was with Cordy or Anya, I loved her. But I fell out of love with her a long time ago. That night she ripped my heart out was the night I banished her from my heart. I think I ripped out the capacity to love out of my heart then too because I've never loved anyone since.
And you know what the funny thing is, mom? I've got these feelings inside of me that are all jumbled up. I mean, when Willow told me that Buffy loves me and mind you, I don't know if it's true, there was this part of me that was jumping for joy. But a larger part of me was, is feeling like a nightmare has come true. I don't know what I'm feeling for her. And then there is Faith. Gorgeous, slightly crazy, in-your-face Faith. There has always been that attraction between us. When I saw her that night in the cemetery, my heart was beating so hard, I could feel it in my throat. Every time we've been together in the last few days.... It's been hard to keep from kissing her. She's just as screwed up as I am. Maybe even more so. She and I, we're more alike than you'd think, the only difference being that she didn't have a wonderful person like you around to help her.
There is something there, mom. It's driving me nuts right now. Right now, it's like I'm being torn apart in two directions. It's not a feeling I like. I need more time. More time to sort out my feelings. To find out what's inside of me. To find out what I'm really feeling for either of them. It's not fair to either of them and it's not fair to me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'll always do my best to keep my promise to you but also to be honest about how I feel to either of them. And right now, if you asked me, I couldn't give you an answer. Once this thing is over and we're still standing, I'm going away again. This time, to sort out how I feel. I do promise one thing to you, though. I won't stay away so long."
With a long look, Alex turned around and walked back to his car. When he had opened the door and was about to step in, he cast a last look at Joyce's headstone.
"I love you, Joyce. Thank you for everything."
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer story.
By: Ghostrider
Summary: What happens when your heart is ripped apart by those you love? A slayerette's return after years of absence causes old wounds to be ripped open.
Rating: R
Author's Note: This story takes place approximately 8 years after the events in the this season's last episode. Personally, I don't like the ending, it's too convenient. So I rewrote it to what I would have wanted to see. Furthermore, I would like to thank my Beta-readers Ozmandayus, Banquo and Scb047 for everything they've done.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, the WB and UPN own the characters.
Chapter 10
*** 1213 PM, July 14th, Sunnydale Park, Sunnydale, CA ***
Willow was fidgeting on the bench as she watched her surroundings. Parents playing with their children, people cycling or rollerblading. Walking their dogs. Everybody around her seemed to be having a good time. Everybody except her. Here she was, ready to meet someone who was closer to her then a brother could ever be. That was if she had a brother. But then again, she was an only child so how would she know how close her and her brother would have been as opposed to how close she was to Xander? But then again, she didn't have a brother. Xander knew everything about her, every little detail that was Willow Rosenberg. Would a brother know that much? Maybe she'd talk to Buffy about it, her having a sibling and such. But Dawn was Buffy's sister and would that have any effect on how close the relationship would be? However, Dawn wasn't really Buffy's sister. She was just energy given human form. But the monks had removed the energy and made her permanent.
"You're babbling."
"Huh?"
Willow turned around, coming face to face with Xander, correction, Alex. He wanted to be called Alex. NO! This is Xander, not Alex. Xander! Remember that!
"You get that frown on your face, your nose is all scrunched up? Dead giveaway."
"Hi Xander", she said in a high pitched voice and with a wave of her right hand.
Alex couldn't help but smile at the antics of his Willow. She hadn't changed a bit. The hair was long and straight as he remembered her having it in high school. Nothing about her reminded him of the girl who'd gone to college and seemed to have forgotten all about him that first year. The mannerisms were still the same. It was as if time had stood still for Willow Rosenberg. Something he'd wished could have been true for all of them.
'Great going, Wills, he's gonna think you're a moron, instead of a mature, young woman', she admonished herself.
Taking a deep breath to calm the butterflies in her stomach, she straightened herself and looked at her oldest friend. Instead of the tall, lanky guy she'd known, he looked ... chiseled. A dark green, thick cotton button-down Columbia shirt over black Dockers and shoes, a dark brown leather aviator's jacket and stylish black Ray Ban's on his nose, Xander looked hot. Willow couldn't help it as a tiny voice in her mind supplied that thought, causing her to blush even more then she already did.
"Hello Willow, how are you?"
"Good! I'm good! Goodness and me we're a pair today. Yes sir. Nothing but good feelings today."
"Glad to hear it", Alex laughed, feeling some of the tension leave his body.
Willow looked as nervous as he felt; he'd been here an hour already, waiting for her to show up. Gathering the courage he needed to go over and speak with her. This was it, the first step towards redemption.
'You'd better not screw up, kid.'
"Easy, Will. Just breathe deeply a few times. Don't want you hyperventilating."
"I'm okay, it's just... You're back!"
"You hungry?"
"No! I mean, no, I'm not. Don't really have an appetite right now. But if you want something, maybe we could go over to that hot dog vendor. Or maybe somewhere else?"
"No, no, that's okay. I'm not really hungry either. Walk with me?"
Alex motioned for her to follow him and began walking slowly through the park, Willow falling into step next to him. The pair walked on for several minutes in tense silence.
"I've missed you."
Alex looked up at the small voice that spoke up. Willow had her head down, watching her feet as they walked, her hands clasped together in front of her.
"It's true, you know? I really missed my best friend."
Alex took a deep breath to calm his frayed nerves and to push down all the resentment and anger inside of him.
"How is that possible? Buffy didn't leave town as far as I know, so how could you miss her?"
Willow could hear the undertone of anger and pain in his question, shock, remorse and anger filling her that he could even think such a thing. She stopped walking, turning towards Alex and looked him straight in the eyes as he turned around and walked the few steps back to stand next to her again.
"Xander, you're my best friend!"
"Really? You have a funny way of showing it, Wills. A real funny way."
The accusatory undertone in his voice felt like a slap against her face. It also strengthened her resolve to get things out into the open, to pull her Xander back from whatever dark hole he was in, to pull him back into the Scoobies' ranks.
"What's that supposed to mean, Xander?"
"Well, from what I was told, a best friend supports you. Defends you when others try to hurt you. Stands up to bullies. That sort of thing. Like I did for you, against Cordy when we were in kindergarten. And any time after that."
"So you're saying that I've never stood up for you? Is that it?"
"You said it, I didn't."
Alex had resumed walking, his hands stuck deeply in his pockets. Willow couldn't believe what she was hearing, her mind trying to process what he'd just accused her of. Almost running to catch up with him, she grabbed his left arm and turned him around.
"That's the second time you've accused me of that. First two nights ago, when you showed up and just now! How can you say that when you know I've always been on your side. I've always defended you, stood up for you, just like you've always done for me. Tell me, how can you say that", Willow pleaded, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
"You let them take away my choice, Willow. You let them take away my choice when you agreed to keep me from doing my part. You did it when the Sisterhood of Jhe was trying to bring forth the Apocalypse. And again after we defeated Glory. I was always your best friend, me and Jesse, we were the three musketeers! Yet, as soon as Buffy came to town, that was history. Oh, not right away, but within a few short years, I was relegated to the back row of the theater. It was always Willow and Buffy, best friends. Remember college? You didn't want to be seen with a townie. How many times were you actually happy to see me when I came to visit? How many times did you tell me you had something or other to do so you didn't have to be seen with me? Or all the times when you sided with Buffy against me? Oh, he's just jealous. No, Xander is Xander. He doesn't know better, so please feel free to ignore him."
Willow could hear the betrayal in his voice; she was sure she could see it in his eyes, were he not wearing the dark glasses. It cut her through her soul, forming a lump in her throat, making it difficult to speak. Reaching out, she placed a soft hand against his cheek, softly stroking, her thumb brushing the area underneath his eye.
"Oh Xander, we only did that because we wanted to keep you safe. Don't you understand that? Neither Buffy nor I wanted to lose you. If that had happened...", she didn't finish her sentence, the lump in her throat cutting off any speech.
"I'm not a child, Willow. I knew damn well what was at stake. Hell, I was the one who found out about Buffy being the Slayer. I've fought side by side with you time and again. I've saved each of you at one time or another. I saved your life, I saved Giles' life. I've saved Buffy's life I don't know how many times! Even as soldier guy I was the one keeping the demons and vamps off Buffy's back!
And if it wasn't for me, the Judge would still be walking around, wouldn't he? Who was it that figured out the text only talked about forged weapons? Who was it that appropriated the rocket launcher? Who was it that came up with the battleplan to take down the Mayor and his goons? Or designed the bomb, got the materials and placed them inside the High School? Or led the students in the attack? Who was it that saved all your lives that night with those Apocalypse Demons?
It was all my choice, Willow. You had no right deciding for me, like I'm some little kid who doesn't know what dangers lurk around. Buffy had no right. Neither does Giles. I can get killed crossing the street. I can get hit by a falling piano. Over those things, I have no control. Whether I want to help you fight evil, that I do control. It is my decision. Nobody else has the right to decide for me, what's best for me or how I should live my life. The moment you did that, you showed how little you thought of me. You showed exactly what you thought of me. Namely, that I'm too stupid to do anything remotely worthwhile.
Well, I'm sorry I'm not a straight A student, I'm sorry I don't know any Wiccan stuff. I'm sorry I don't have Slayer powers; I'm sorry I don't have all the knowledge of the Watcher's Council at my beck and call and I'm sorry I'm not a chipped or souled vampire. I'm just Alexander Harris, one hundred percent human. No powers, no grand destiny. I'm just an ordinary human being. As such, I have the right to choose as guaranteed by the Universal Human Rights. That means that you don't get to choose what's best for me. Nor does Buffy Summers gets to choose what's best for me; or Giles. The only one who has that right, is me, Alexander Harris."
Silent tears ran down Willow's cheeks as Alex made his speech, her heart aching with each word he spoke. Every word he uttered crumbled another piece of her self-esteem. Every word destroyed another part of her self-image. No longer was she the pure, sweet Willow, the one who stood by her friends. The one who helped them, encouraged them, made them do the impossible. Instead, she saw what she had become; a young woman, who, because of her superior intellect and Wiccan powers, thought that she knew better then others what was right or wrong. She had become that which she had been fighting. She had made decisions regarding other people, simply because unconsciously, she felt she knew better what was good for them. Without knowing it, Willow had believed herself to be superior to others. The realization hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Goddess, what have I done", she whispered softly before throwing her arms around Alex, burying her face against his chest.
"I'm sorry, Xander. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Alex stood rigid for several long seconds, unsure of what to do as Willow's tears seeped into his shirt, his anger swirling through his body like fire. Her arms were tightly wound around him, sobs wracking her small body. Finally, shaking off his surprise, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tight against him. He held her tightly, rubbing her back slowly as her words penetrated the pain surrounding his heart.
*** 1254 PM, July 14th, Sunnydale Park, Sunnydale, CA ***
Alex and Willow were sitting side by side on a bench, nearest to the southern entrance to the park. Willow had finally managed to stop her crying, her eyes still puffy and red. Neither one had said anything for the last few minutes. Neither one knew how to start up the conversation after Willow's breakdown. Willow was surreptitiously sneaking glances at Xander, marveling at how much he had changed, while still retaining much of the old Xander.
"Xander?"
"Yes, Willow?"
"Are you still mad at me?"
Alex chuckled lightly, the question making Willow sound like a five-year old instead of the young woman she really was. The look on her face was full of hope and his heart nearly broke at the sight. Suddenly he felt as if all the pain he'd suffered all these years, real or imagined had disappeared.
"Come here."
He opened his arms and Willow moved into them quickly, a deep sigh escaping her lips as she snuggled close to him, her head on his chest. The beating of his heart was music to her ears; with a start, Willow realized it was one of the things she'd missed. So many little things that she'd taken for granted. Only now did she fully understand the extent of the pain and loneliness she'd experienced without her best friend.
"You didn't answer my question, Xander."
"What question?"
"Well, you know..."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do! I just asked it."
"Well, I've been hit in the head a few times, so my memory isn't what it used to be. Could you, like maybe, refresh it for me?"
Willow could hear the goofy grin on his face as she shifted her position into a more comfortable one. An answering smile played across her lips.
"Are you still mad at me, Xan?"
Willow could feel Xander's chest heave as he took a deep breath, preparing herself for... something... anything. Even though it seemed that Xander had forgiven her, indicated by her current position against his chest, there was still a lot of stuff that they needed to talk about.
"No. No, I'm not angry at you, Wills. At least, not anymore. I am, however, disappointed and hurt by your lack of trust in me."
Willow's breath hitched as he said those words, knowing that although he'd forgiven her, things between them were far from being okay again.
"I'm sorry. I know it doesn't help much, but it's all I can say. If there was any way I could take the pain and disappointment away, I would do it in a heartbeat. I just hope that someday, we'll recapture what we had before."
"I hope so too, Wills, I really do."
Nothing more was said as the two childhood friends held on to each other, trying to recapture at least a little part of the old times, the better times.
"I'm hungry."
Willow giggled softly; that was her Xander-shaped friend, alright. Always thinking with his stomach.
"We could go to Mamma Doria's, they serve the best Italian food in town."
"You buying?"
Her clear laughter rang through the park as Willow looked at her friend. Just like old times.
"What's it this time, Xan? Forgot your wallet?"
"Nope, just that the last time we were eating together, I footed the bill. So, now it's your turn", he returned with a lopsided grin.
"You remembered that?"
"Hey, when it comes to food, I'm the master."
"Sure, no problem. I'll just sell the house, my car and everything else I own", Willow answered, laughing.
"Hey! I resent that! You make it sound as if I am some sort of bottomless pit!"
"Xan, when it comes to food, you are", Willow countered, ticking him on the tip of his nose.
"Well, I'll try to restrain myself to half the menu, then", Alex said, a mock-suffering expression gracing his features.
A few minutes later, after a leisurely stroll through Sunnydale's center, they'd reached Mama Doria's. From the outside, it looked just like a any other shop in town, all concrete and steel. It was the inside, however, that gave it ambiance. The light colors of the walls was complemented by the old furniture, that seemed to be straight from a farmer's dining room. Dark wood, smoothed over from years of use, covered with soft pillows for comfort. Large tables with checkered table cloths and small candles burning on top. The soft strings of some classical Italian music wafting through the air combined with the heady smells of garlic, olive oil, Chianti and other uniquely Italian foods and spices could make you believe you'd stepped back into time in some small Italian village. After ordering their food, an awkward silence developed again.
"Is this how it's going to be from now on?"
"What do you mean, Wills?"
"These moments filled with awkward silences, furtive looks? We never used to be like this. We could talk for hours, about anything! You'd make silly jokes, I'd laugh. Now it seems like we've lost all that."
"Willow, I've been away for over eight years. And not under the best of circumstances. If there is something I've learned over the years, it's that some things take time. We're talking now. Things aren't what they used to be, but in time, it'll get better. Maybe not like it was but certainly a lot better."
Willow's smile threatened to split her face as she grabbed hold of his hands, squeezing them tightly. At that moment, their food arrived and both friends started eating in companionable silence.
"So, what have I missed?"
Willow looked up, grinning, licking some sauce off her lips.
"Well, Tara and I are still together after all these years. Although we've both found out we like guys also."
"Wills!", exclaimed a shocked Alex, almost choking on a forkful of bisteca. Pretty soon, all the anger, hurt and resentment were forgotten as two once best friends began to rekindle their lifelong bond.
*** 1631 PM, July 14th, near the Magic Box, Sunnydale, CA ***
"I had a great time today, Xander", Willow said, as she hugged Alex tightly.
"Me too. I'm glad I agreed to meet you."
"I still don't understand why you don't want to come in. I'm sure the others will be glad to see you. I can guarantee there will be no more fighting."
"Willow, not right now. I've had a great day so far. Let's not push it, okay?"
"Buffy, huh?"
"Yeah. But I'll be by tonight. Gotta pick up Faith, we're patrolling together again. Besides, there's some stuff I need to check out before then."
"What do you want me to tell Buffy?"
Xander looked up at the sky, watching the sun as it slowly descended, thinking deeply. Thinking of the blonde slayer gave him an ache in his heart.
"Tell her ... Tell her I'll see her tonight."
"She's missed you terribly, Xander."
"Willow, please. Not now."
"Yes, Xander, now", Willow answered forcefully, holding his hands tightly in her own.
"You need to hear this, whether you want to or not. I was a wreck when you turned up missing. Dawn blamed herself for weeks. Giles.. Well, he felt like he'd failed another one of his children, what with Anya dying and everything. And you are one of his children, Xander. If you believe one thing, believe that. You're like a son to him."
"He's my father, Wills", Alex whispered softly, his eyes tightly shut, keeping the tears in. For years, he'd loathed his life, how miserable his parents made him feel. How they ground his self-respect into the ground. Told him he'd never amount to anything. The countless beatings and emotional abuse he suffered. Everything he'd hidden behind a mask of humor and goofing off. Until Buffy Summers came into his life. With her, came the two persons he'd come to see as his real parents. Joyce Summers and Rupert Giles.
Joyce Summers had never belittled him or put him down. She'd made him feel better about himself, just by giving him a smile or by ruffling his hair. He still remembered the first time she'd found him curled up at the back entrance of her house. His father had come home again, drunk as usual. He still remembered the sound of the baseball bat as it made contact with his chest. The way he'd hit the wall. The frantic run for the front door and his mad scramble out of the house. He still didn't know how or why he'd gone to the Summers' residence nor how he'd gotten there.
Joyce had taken one look at the bedraggled form of Xander Harris and had ushered him in without a word. She had never asked any questions, just being there for him, taking care of him. And finally, he'd told her everything. He told her everything, everything that none of his friends knew, everything that was rotten in his life. And Joyce never judged him, never belittled him. All she did was be there for him, giving silent support, a shoulder to cry on, ears to listen. Buffy never knew that on the nights the abuse became too much, he'd come to her home and Joyce would take him in. Tend to his bruises. Hold him as he finally couldn't keep it in anymore and cried hot tears. How he'd sneak out in the early morning hours to go back to his house. The place where he kept his clothes and other possessions. His home was the Summers residence. He'd made that distinction early on and to this day it was the place where he felt safe.
Rupert Giles, for all his British stiff upper lip behavior, had become the other person in his life that he could look up to. At first, the Watcher was someone he could annoy with his jokes and general obnoxious behavior. But later, as he got to know him better, Xander began to look up to him more and more. Beginning to see a man who had more in common with him than he would have first thought. A man who had given him more chances, more help, more encouragement than his own father had given him. He began to see a man who himself had a checkered past, who had overcome that past and grown to become a man to be respected. Slowly, Xander began to realize that if Giles could do it, so could he. The late-nights researching that turned into quiet conversations between the two of them as the others slept, were some of his fondest memories.
"Then tell him, Xander. Tell him because he's never stopped blaming himself for you leaving. He felt like he'd failed you somehow."
"I will, I promise."
"You need to talk to Buffy too."
"Wills, you're pushing it", Alex growled.
"Xander, please. You have to talk to her. Out of all of us, she's the one who took it the hardest. When we couldn't find you, she'd go out alone and hunt. That's what she did. She didn't patrol anymore, she'd hunt. She'd take risks, huge risks. She shut all of us out, Xander. And she nearly died because of that."
"What? What do you mean?"
When Willow seemed reluctant to continue, Alex gripped her upper arms, squeezing and shaking her.
"Tell me what happened!"
"She had found a large nest of Gra' Loch demons and went in, alone as usual. Buffy barely got back home. Dawn found her the next morning on the front porch, nearly bled to death. She was in the hospital for three weeks. After that, she wouldn't come out of her room. She wouldn't talk, barely ate. We had to intervene somehow so all of us came to her place. Faith finally got her so mad, Buffy attacked her but as weak as she was, she couldn't do much damage. Buffy broke down, Xander. She broke down, crying like I've never seen her cry before.
After that, Buffy finally told us why she was behaving so irrationally. Xander, you left. The one person she could count on, the one person who had always been there for her, who protected her, had left her. She needed you more then she's needed anyone else, Xander. She blames herself for pushing away the one person who held and protected her heart. "
A punch to the solar plexus couldn't have hurt as much as those words from Willow had. Only Willow's arms stopped Alex from falling down, his legs feeling rubbery all of a sudden. The tears he'd managed to keep at bay burst forth, trailing hot tracks down his face.
"No!", he whispered.
"Yes, Xander. It took a long time for her to recover and even now she's not back to her old self. When she smiles, it doesn't reach her eyes. Buffy doesn't have fun anymore, like in the old days. We have to drag her out of the house to go dancing and even then, she just sits there, not really watching the crowd. She's had some dates but none of them have gone beyond first date status. When we ask, she just says they're not really her type."
"And that has to do with me because...", Alex asked, slowly regaining his senses.
"Because she's measuring them against you, who you are, what you are, Xander! Don't you get it? She loves you, Xan! Buffy loves you! When you left, her whole world was ripped apart! Her mother had died, and now you left! To her, it proved that she was destined to be alone. That everything, every life she touched ended in pain and suffering."
"That is not true! Willow, you know that that is not true. Without Buffy, all of us would have been dead years ago!"
"I know that, you know that. But with you leaving, that last piece of hope was ripped from her heart. Buffy needs you, Xan."
"I'm not in love with her, not anymore."
Willow smiled softly at her friend, caressing his cheek.
"I only said that she needs you. I never said you were in love with her, my Xander-shaped friend. Now why would you say something like that, I wonder? Is it because you want to deny to yourself that you still have feelings for her?", Willow stated with a small smile.
"Willow, that was ages ago."
"Maybe, but I can see it in your eyes. You may not be in love, but there is something there, just like with Buffy. You both need to heal; you both need to forgive the other. Stop hiding behind that wall of blame you use to protect yourself from living. Xander, it's time for both of you to let go of the past, stop merely existing and start living again. I love you, Xander and I'm hurting because I can see how much you hurt here," Willow said softly, placing a hand over his heart, feeling the steady thumb as it beat, pushing the blood throughout his body, keeping him alive.
Alex couldn't think of anything to say, so profoundly had her words shaken him. It was just too much to take in right now; the need for some solitude to put these revelations in perspective was great. With a soft kiss to her forehead, Xander left Willow and walked away, not once looking back. If he had, he would have seen the sad, tear-filled yes of one Buffy Anne Summers staring at his retreating back.
*** 1654 PM, July 14th, Garden of Eden Cemetary, Sunnydale, CA ***
Alex had to force himself not to run the whole way to this quiet place, instead taking the SUV and driving the two mile distance. Back to where it all began that lone night, 8 years ago. Again, like that night, he stood in front of the headstone, signifying the final resting place of the one person, who was more of a mother to him than his own had been for most of his life. Squatting in front of the gray marble, he ran his fingers reverently over the engraved lettering, gathering his jumbled thoughts.
"Hey Joyce... I mean... Mom."
Taking off his glasses, Alex vigorously rubbed his eyes, trying to push back the tears that burned at the edges.
"God, it feels so weird calling you that, you know? I've never said it to your face when you were alive. I wish I had. I wish so many things, mom. Maybe, if you had been my real mother, I'd maybe turned out to be a better person. Even so, those few years that you were with us...."
Alex took a deep, shuddering breath, his chest feeling constricted, like a weight was pressing on it; his throat felt full, a large lump cutting off all sound as his head dropped onto his chest.
"You saved me, mom. You saved me. Every kind glance you'd throw my way. Every time you'd ruffle my hair, shaking your head because I'd done or said something goofy. Every time you held me after I ran away from the hell that was my house. Every time you tucked me in. Countless little things. Things others take for granted. Things other people don't even notice. Every time you did one of those seemingly little things, you showed me more kindness than I've ever received from anybody else.
You enabled me to see the world through new eyes, Joyce. You showed me what it was like to be part of a real family. You made me feel loved. No, no you didn't", he said, shaking his head slightly, taking another deep breath to continue.
"You didn't make me feel loved. You loved me. With all my faults, all my stupidity, warts and all, you loved me. You took in a stray, the son of the town drunk and rebuilt his broken soul. You saved me from the darkness of despair and loneliness, mom and for that I'm eternally grateful."
Biting back a sob, Alex looked up at the slowly setting sun, running a hand through his short hair before turning back to the gravestone.
"I hope you understand why I had to leave. I didn't want to. I had to. Even if it was for the wrong reasons. Too much had happened. This town. It eats you alive if you let it. I needed to find myself, just like you said. I needed the time away to find out who Alexander Harris really is. Remember how we talked about it, during the last year of high school? That road trip of yours you told me about you went on after you graduated high school? How you told me not to plan a specific route, just to get out onto the open road and drive. Let the road take me where it leads. But again, the Harris luck struck as usual", he stated, chuckling.
"Well, I finally did it. Maybe not a road trip, per se. More like a trip to all the darkest, filthiest places man has ever known. But it helped a lot. I got to know Alexander Harris. The real Alexander Harris. I finally know who I am. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done. But I'm not disgusted about myself either, not like I used to be. I think... no, I hope, you're proud of me in some small way. I hope that you look down on me with a smile, knowing I am doing my best to do the right thing, even if it sometimes seems that the right thing is indistinguishable from the wrong thing.
I owe you a lot, Joyce. I owe you my life, my sanity and my soul. I can never repay you for all that you've done for me. God knows I tried. I promised you I'd take care of your girls. I know you had hoped I'd be here to do it, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I did my best though. I hope you know that. I have made sure they never wanted for anything. Hell, Buffy and Dawn seem to have done alright. I wish I could have done more but I couldn't stay here back then. I'm not sure I can stay here now."
Alex finally gave up the fight and let the tears come, burning a path down his cheeks as his fingers ran over Joyce Summers' name, his breathing hitched.
"Today, actually, not so long ago, a friend told me what almost happened after I left. You almost lost Buffy again. I never meant for it to go that far. You have to know that.", he pleaded.
"I never knew that she'd felt that way about me. That one person could have such an impact on someone's life. No, that's not true. I knew that one person could have that much of an impact. You did on me. I just never saw myself as having that much power over someone else's life. And yet, because of me, Buffy almost died. Not because I screwed up again and put her in danger. No, me leaving pushed her over the edge and she almost died because of that. I'm sorry. I'm so, so very sorry. If I had known.... If only I had known..."
Standing up, he wiped his eyes with his palms before putting the glasses back on.
"Willow told me something else today too. She told me Buffy loves me. Me! Can you believe it? The girl I've loved for what seemed almost my whole life, loves me! Me, the Zeppo! Screw up, good-for-nothing, son of the town drunk Harris. I loved her once, but you know that already. You could see it every time I looked at her. I could tell you knew. That small shake of your head when you saw how oblivious she was. Even when I was with Cordy or Anya, I loved her. But I fell out of love with her a long time ago. That night she ripped my heart out was the night I banished her from my heart. I think I ripped out the capacity to love out of my heart then too because I've never loved anyone since.
And you know what the funny thing is, mom? I've got these feelings inside of me that are all jumbled up. I mean, when Willow told me that Buffy loves me and mind you, I don't know if it's true, there was this part of me that was jumping for joy. But a larger part of me was, is feeling like a nightmare has come true. I don't know what I'm feeling for her. And then there is Faith. Gorgeous, slightly crazy, in-your-face Faith. There has always been that attraction between us. When I saw her that night in the cemetery, my heart was beating so hard, I could feel it in my throat. Every time we've been together in the last few days.... It's been hard to keep from kissing her. She's just as screwed up as I am. Maybe even more so. She and I, we're more alike than you'd think, the only difference being that she didn't have a wonderful person like you around to help her.
There is something there, mom. It's driving me nuts right now. Right now, it's like I'm being torn apart in two directions. It's not a feeling I like. I need more time. More time to sort out my feelings. To find out what's inside of me. To find out what I'm really feeling for either of them. It's not fair to either of them and it's not fair to me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'll always do my best to keep my promise to you but also to be honest about how I feel to either of them. And right now, if you asked me, I couldn't give you an answer. Once this thing is over and we're still standing, I'm going away again. This time, to sort out how I feel. I do promise one thing to you, though. I won't stay away so long."
With a long look, Alex turned around and walked back to his car. When he had opened the door and was about to step in, he cast a last look at Joyce's headstone.
"I love you, Joyce. Thank you for everything."