[I]'Round and 'round the cobbler's bench
The monkey chased the weasel,
The monkey thought 'twas all in fun
Pop! Goes the weasel.[/I]
Haley hummed the child's tune to Gracie as she rocked her in the rocking chair. She gently brushed back her daughter's hair and laid a kiss on the top of her head.
"You and me.we've been through a lot kid," she muttered out loud.
The rocking was providing some comfort for Haley, but only to an extent. She couldn't stop thinking about what happened at the party. She hadn't meant to do what she had done. Then again, that wasn't an unusual thought to be filtering through Haley's mind. She had terrible decision-making skills; she didn't let reason drive her around. She sought out immediate compensation to battle her insecurity, not willing to wait and see if time had the power to be a better judge and jury. She had no patience for time.
She was doing the best she could, and she hoped that Gracie would realize that. She wanted to continue to do the best for Gracie, and that was why she continued to agonize over her predicament with Jake. His mother did have a point; she and Gracie would be well taken care of she married Jake, even if it isn't what Haley herself wants.
Or, then again, does Haley have the right to be selfish and do what she wants even if it hurts someone else? In her gut she knows she doesn't, and that she stopped having that right the moment she squeezed Gracie out from her womb.
"I'm the monkey, and your daddy is the weasel.and I have a bad feeling Gracie that this is all going to end the same way as your song - with a big old pop."
**
First stop.Jake's house.
She told him how it had to be, that she wouldn't let Gracie grow up without her father, but he had to promise her he would grow up along with her, preferably sooner rather than later.
He promised he would, and slipped his grandmother's engagement ring on her finger.
There was no hugging. There was no kissing. There was only an exchanging of promises, promises that broke her heart in half because she meant every word but wished she didn't.
Then she left.to make her second stop at Nathan's house.
He invited her in. She grimaced as she watched him walk painfully in front of her, hunched over slightly as it was obvious that the injury to his knee was still causing him a lot of trouble.
They stood in the room silently, just taking in the appearance of the other. She wanted to talk but no words were coming to mind. I'm sorry just sounded trite and it wasn't enough to cover the depth of emotions she felt at the moment. She wasn't sorry that they had a fight - couple's fight - she was sorry that a year ago she dated his best friend instead of him. But how can one apologize for decisions they don't expect to be apologizing for later on?
He saw the ring as she sighed, and brushed her hair out of her face. He had to say something.
"How about we don't drag this out Haley," he began. "You have to do what you have to do and I think a part of me always knew that, which is why I waited so long to make a move and tell you how I felt. I must have known all along that this just wasn't meant to be."
"It sure felt like it was," she responded sadly. "I really-."
"No don't say it," he answered back.
"Nathan."
"Haley, what can I say.you've gotten into my blood," he relayed to her as much of the inner workings of his heart as he was going to. "I think I might even love you, but look, this isn't even about me and you. I know what you did last night - with Luke and I don't even care because I know why you do the things you do and it's the same reason I do what I do. We reach out and we try to find meaning in what makes us feel good at the moment. That's all we were Haley."
She turned her back so he wouldn't see the tears fall down her face.
"Yeah, that's all we were," she echoed.
He touched her shoulder comfortingly.
"I have to lie.I have to say everything I can to get you to leave," he admitted in a whisper.
Now he was being stupid. He was supposed to stay strong and hold back his emotion so that she could leave and move on without wondering what if, but as she started to cry all his resolve melted and he had to confess the truth.
"Maybe we could sneak around; I'll marry Jake but just in name only," she offered, allowing him to turn her around and take her into his arms.
"That's not the life you want for Gracie and its not the life you want for you," he said knowingly.
"No, it's not but at this point I don't think I'm ever going to have the life I want," she replied. "I want you."
He kissed the tears that glistened on her cheeks.
"I want you too."
He kissed a trail down her cheeks and to her mouth, now kissing her hungrily. She sighed into his mouth, trying to remember every second of what this was like, of what it was like to kiss Nathan, to have him hold her, to feel so at peace in someone else's arms.
"It's our decisions in life that set things in motion," he said as he pulled away from her. "You're being with Jake happened for a reason. You need to continue down that path and see where it takes you. Who knows, I still might be at the end of the dark tunnel Haley."
He kissed her one more time before limping out of the room.
"Dark tunnel?" she scoffed as she led herself to her car.
Why did she have the feeling there was a bright light at the end of this dark tunnel, only she was pretty sure it wasn't nature's light - but that of freight train, ready to knock her down for good.
**
There should have been drama. There should have been chaos. There should have been a trip to a hospital, or a slip up of the wedding vows, or something.anything to prove to Haley why she was so against getting married all of these years. There hadn't been any of that. It had been the most calm and collected James function to date.
She wanted to sabotage the wedding herself. As she sat there with Jake to her side, in her subdued white wedding gown, she thought about all the dreams she had had. She wished at the moment that she could be that bride; the bride who didn't made it past her wedding day. She wished that she could end it right now (drown herself outside in the wading pool - she had had that dream hadn't she?) but a part of her knew she had come to far to do that.
Gracie was sixteen months old now. Haley smiled as she watched her older brother Timmy twirling around with her daughter on the dance floor. Gracie was maturing into a wonderful child. She was thriving in her new environment, living with both her mother and father. It amazed Haley that such a thing really mattered. She was a lot less fussy now that Jake was around all the time and all around a happier baby.
She found it hard to keep her attention on Gracie though when her mind kept forcing her to look at the door - wondering if he was going to show up at all. She had been a little disappointed that after everything - after years of having dreams about brides and grooms and the best man that tried to steal her away - her wedding went off without a hitch. Tim had been Jake's best man, and Haley wouldn't go near that with a ten-foot pole. Then again, she didn't need Nathan there to know that he was the one she would always want, that he was the one she would always choose if she were free to do so. The problem was - her life wasn't a dream. She had Gracie to consider and that meant saying, "I do" to Jake.
Though, she couldn't stop thinking about the one dream that never fit with the others. The one where she had actually been about to get married to the man she loved, only it was another man - one she didn't love - who tried to stop the wedding. It was this dream, that often times played over in her head, that made Haley wonder if Nathan was right that day in his living room.when he told her that he might be there at the end of it all.
Maybe.maybe if she stopped relying on instant gratification.if she learned to tolerate time.maybe then she would start to understand it all:
"I'm not just going to disappear," the man had said in that unusual dream.
She had a feeling as she looked at Jake, really looked at Jake, that this was just the beginning.but the beginning of what, she had no idea.
The monkey chased the weasel,
The monkey thought 'twas all in fun
Pop! Goes the weasel.[/I]
Haley hummed the child's tune to Gracie as she rocked her in the rocking chair. She gently brushed back her daughter's hair and laid a kiss on the top of her head.
"You and me.we've been through a lot kid," she muttered out loud.
The rocking was providing some comfort for Haley, but only to an extent. She couldn't stop thinking about what happened at the party. She hadn't meant to do what she had done. Then again, that wasn't an unusual thought to be filtering through Haley's mind. She had terrible decision-making skills; she didn't let reason drive her around. She sought out immediate compensation to battle her insecurity, not willing to wait and see if time had the power to be a better judge and jury. She had no patience for time.
She was doing the best she could, and she hoped that Gracie would realize that. She wanted to continue to do the best for Gracie, and that was why she continued to agonize over her predicament with Jake. His mother did have a point; she and Gracie would be well taken care of she married Jake, even if it isn't what Haley herself wants.
Or, then again, does Haley have the right to be selfish and do what she wants even if it hurts someone else? In her gut she knows she doesn't, and that she stopped having that right the moment she squeezed Gracie out from her womb.
"I'm the monkey, and your daddy is the weasel.and I have a bad feeling Gracie that this is all going to end the same way as your song - with a big old pop."
**
First stop.Jake's house.
She told him how it had to be, that she wouldn't let Gracie grow up without her father, but he had to promise her he would grow up along with her, preferably sooner rather than later.
He promised he would, and slipped his grandmother's engagement ring on her finger.
There was no hugging. There was no kissing. There was only an exchanging of promises, promises that broke her heart in half because she meant every word but wished she didn't.
Then she left.to make her second stop at Nathan's house.
He invited her in. She grimaced as she watched him walk painfully in front of her, hunched over slightly as it was obvious that the injury to his knee was still causing him a lot of trouble.
They stood in the room silently, just taking in the appearance of the other. She wanted to talk but no words were coming to mind. I'm sorry just sounded trite and it wasn't enough to cover the depth of emotions she felt at the moment. She wasn't sorry that they had a fight - couple's fight - she was sorry that a year ago she dated his best friend instead of him. But how can one apologize for decisions they don't expect to be apologizing for later on?
He saw the ring as she sighed, and brushed her hair out of her face. He had to say something.
"How about we don't drag this out Haley," he began. "You have to do what you have to do and I think a part of me always knew that, which is why I waited so long to make a move and tell you how I felt. I must have known all along that this just wasn't meant to be."
"It sure felt like it was," she responded sadly. "I really-."
"No don't say it," he answered back.
"Nathan."
"Haley, what can I say.you've gotten into my blood," he relayed to her as much of the inner workings of his heart as he was going to. "I think I might even love you, but look, this isn't even about me and you. I know what you did last night - with Luke and I don't even care because I know why you do the things you do and it's the same reason I do what I do. We reach out and we try to find meaning in what makes us feel good at the moment. That's all we were Haley."
She turned her back so he wouldn't see the tears fall down her face.
"Yeah, that's all we were," she echoed.
He touched her shoulder comfortingly.
"I have to lie.I have to say everything I can to get you to leave," he admitted in a whisper.
Now he was being stupid. He was supposed to stay strong and hold back his emotion so that she could leave and move on without wondering what if, but as she started to cry all his resolve melted and he had to confess the truth.
"Maybe we could sneak around; I'll marry Jake but just in name only," she offered, allowing him to turn her around and take her into his arms.
"That's not the life you want for Gracie and its not the life you want for you," he said knowingly.
"No, it's not but at this point I don't think I'm ever going to have the life I want," she replied. "I want you."
He kissed the tears that glistened on her cheeks.
"I want you too."
He kissed a trail down her cheeks and to her mouth, now kissing her hungrily. She sighed into his mouth, trying to remember every second of what this was like, of what it was like to kiss Nathan, to have him hold her, to feel so at peace in someone else's arms.
"It's our decisions in life that set things in motion," he said as he pulled away from her. "You're being with Jake happened for a reason. You need to continue down that path and see where it takes you. Who knows, I still might be at the end of the dark tunnel Haley."
He kissed her one more time before limping out of the room.
"Dark tunnel?" she scoffed as she led herself to her car.
Why did she have the feeling there was a bright light at the end of this dark tunnel, only she was pretty sure it wasn't nature's light - but that of freight train, ready to knock her down for good.
**
There should have been drama. There should have been chaos. There should have been a trip to a hospital, or a slip up of the wedding vows, or something.anything to prove to Haley why she was so against getting married all of these years. There hadn't been any of that. It had been the most calm and collected James function to date.
She wanted to sabotage the wedding herself. As she sat there with Jake to her side, in her subdued white wedding gown, she thought about all the dreams she had had. She wished at the moment that she could be that bride; the bride who didn't made it past her wedding day. She wished that she could end it right now (drown herself outside in the wading pool - she had had that dream hadn't she?) but a part of her knew she had come to far to do that.
Gracie was sixteen months old now. Haley smiled as she watched her older brother Timmy twirling around with her daughter on the dance floor. Gracie was maturing into a wonderful child. She was thriving in her new environment, living with both her mother and father. It amazed Haley that such a thing really mattered. She was a lot less fussy now that Jake was around all the time and all around a happier baby.
She found it hard to keep her attention on Gracie though when her mind kept forcing her to look at the door - wondering if he was going to show up at all. She had been a little disappointed that after everything - after years of having dreams about brides and grooms and the best man that tried to steal her away - her wedding went off without a hitch. Tim had been Jake's best man, and Haley wouldn't go near that with a ten-foot pole. Then again, she didn't need Nathan there to know that he was the one she would always want, that he was the one she would always choose if she were free to do so. The problem was - her life wasn't a dream. She had Gracie to consider and that meant saying, "I do" to Jake.
Though, she couldn't stop thinking about the one dream that never fit with the others. The one where she had actually been about to get married to the man she loved, only it was another man - one she didn't love - who tried to stop the wedding. It was this dream, that often times played over in her head, that made Haley wonder if Nathan was right that day in his living room.when he told her that he might be there at the end of it all.
Maybe.maybe if she stopped relying on instant gratification.if she learned to tolerate time.maybe then she would start to understand it all:
"I'm not just going to disappear," the man had said in that unusual dream.
She had a feeling as she looked at Jake, really looked at Jake, that this was just the beginning.but the beginning of what, she had no idea.