Haley's knees buckled and her back arched as the man above her released his
energy into her. She dug her nails into his skin and kissed the sweat off
his cheek, before calling out the name she always called out in this
position."Nathan."
The man she had just met twenty-five minutes earlier stopped what he was doing and looked deep into the beautifully vacant face of the pretty young woman, questioning her with his blue eyes. He let out a little laugh.
"Who's this Nathan?" he asked in a husky voice.
"You are for tonight, 'if' you get my drift," she replied back.
He lifted up her left handed and kissed her palm. She pulled her hand away when he tried to touch her wedding ring.
"Why do I have the feeling that's from another 'Nathan' too," he teased her.
"Nope, that's from my husband," Haley said as she sat up. "His name is Jake, and you talk way too damned much."
She pushed some sweaty strands of dark brown hair out of her face. She tried to remember why she had picked this guy to go home with. Was it the ears? The smile? His biceps?
It was her little secret. When she went out now the first thing she did was scour the room for men who were like him in any way shape or form.
She always called out his name in bed. For some of the men it was a turn off, for some a turn on, for others it didn't make one bit of difference what the hell she was screaming as long as she was screaming.
Nathan had had a hard time. People told her he went back to Brooke.Luke and Peyton (separately) broke the news to her.they also told Haley that Nathan had to quit basketball and that he was having major surgery on his knee.the damn limp she noticed so many times having been a sign of injury all this time. He needed someone to help him through, and Brooke was a friend at least, if not also a lover.
She wrote him a get-well card and never sent it, shoving it away in her desk, putting all her thoughts of him there in that desk, stuffed away too while she tried, and damn did she try hard - to make it work with Jake. For months and months she kept to her vows, she devoted herself to Jake and Gracie - taking her vow to be his partner very seriously and at first things were great between them. But, slowly, it became painfully aware to Jake that there was one wifely duty Haley was trying hard to keep from doing to the best of her ability. They had consummated their wedding night, but she had not touched him once since, and her lack of intimacy drove Jake to the point where he had scheduled for them to see a counselor.
But they never went to see the counselor because Haley fixed the problem all on her own. She turned back the hands of time, pre-Nathan, or rather alternative Nathan. The first man she slept with since marrying Jake had Nathan's nose. The next had his thumbs, same shape nail, roughness, size. This one, oh yea - he had his butt.
This way, she had pieces of him. She could call out his name as she writhed under a man she only pretended was him, so that when she went home and made love to her husband, she wasn't any more or less disgusted with herself.because no matter how she looked at it, cheating was cheating was cheating whether or not your hand is forced or your heart is bound.
**
She began to understand what was so important about the word compensation. She compensated for her behavior by becoming the best mother to Gracie that she possibly could. She never spent time with Luke or Peyton or her siblings unless Gracie was with her. The baby used to help her do her homework even if it was drawing with crayons all over her binders, but school became too demanding and she dropped out a couple of weeks after marrying Jake.
Gracie was almost two and becoming a 'real person' who was learning to talk in sentences and walk without falling on her bottom and to eat at a table and to drink from big girl cups and all the exciting things that toddlers do.
The problem was, she was becoming reckless. Not using protection enough, getting caught up in the moment.if she didn't watch out she'd have another Gracie in nine months, one that may look absolutely nothing like Jake, and would look absolutely nothing like Nathan - except for maybe one finger or one ear - and then, only then would her reckless insanity break her heart.
**
It was insane to think that their first meeting would take place in such a pedestrian way - at the grocery store.
Haley was pushing Gracie in the cart up and down the aisles. She had her list in front of her but she had it mostly memorized, and it was much more imperative to watch Gracie while she shopped, the little girl had sticky fingers and liked to pull everything she could reach into the cart, then to stick to Jake's list.
She bought some apple juice, two cans of tuna fish, a steak to cook for dinner and was rounding the vegetable isle to pick up a head of lettuce for a salad when she ran into him.
He was holding a bag of baby carrots and inspecting them for something, what she had no idea.
"Gross, is this mold?" he asked a woman standing next to him picking out tomatoes.
"Yes," the woman said wrinkling her nose. "I know you're young but please don't buy that."
Nathan laughed and put down the bag. He picked up a bag of unpeeled carrots and Haley heard him tell the woman, "I guess my mother will just have to deal with dicing these herself."
Gracie let out a squeal, she was getting restless and Nathan turned around quickly to see what had made the startling noise.
He stared at her and she stared right back at him, up, down, through, inside and out of him. She felt herself heave a sigh that could have shaken the entire store.
He was standing before her. Not parts of him. Not men she pretended were him, it was just him. She never felt more ashamed.
"Hi," he said cautiously, slowly moving closer to her. He smiled at Gracie. "Wow, she got so big."
"Hi." she forced out the words, "yeah she is, isn't she."
"Yeah." he agreed. "Is it just me or is this is a little awkward?"
"Um.I can't do this," she tried to turn around but he grabbed her arm.
"No, don't go," he pleaded. "I haven't seen you since.how was the wedding?"
"Went off without a hitch," she spoke a little more harshly than she intended.
"That's surprising for a James event," he tried to joke.
"Yeah, it was," her voice was even.
"Okay well," he looked dejected, "I'll let you go. We shouldn't be doing this anyway."
Haley laughed then. A deep belly laugh.
"I knew it," she said under her breath. "You suddenly have such high morals that just talking to a married woman is wrong?"
He looked confused.
"I'm not talking to just any married woman. It's you," he said, his voice becoming a whisper towards the end.
"Its me," she echoed, "you don't know me anymore. You would hate me if you knew."
Now he was not confused but rather terrifyingly intrigued.
"What did you do?" his voice was accusatory, the way that sent shivers into her soul the only way Nathan could.
"I regressed," she admitted, "men, lots of men. I look for you in every single one."
He inhaled sharply.
"How do they rate up against your husband?" he asked hesitantly.
"Most are a lot better than him," she said with a slight laugh.
"How do they rate up against me?" he asked his second question.
"Can't hold a candle to the real thing," she explained. "I couldn't go back to you - I couldn't hurt you like that but I needed.I'm so ashamed."
She covered her face in her hands.
"I appreciate you not jerking me around," he said honestly, taking her hands away from her face, "you know the last thing I wanted was to be the other man - to compete with Jake every day for you, it would have killed me."
"It would have killed me too," she said.
"So then this is better," he said with a small smile, indicating he was lying through his teeth.
"It has to be," she replied.
"Yeah."
He took a deep breath.
"Okay, I'm going to walk away now. It was nice to see you again," he said as formally as he could without his voice catching.
He reached out his hand but she hurled herself into his body and hugged him as hard as she could instead. She kissed his collar and nuzzled herself into him and he ran his hands through her hair before backing up.
"Bye," he whispered as he turned around and walked towards the cashier.
Haley picked up the carrots he had been holding but were still sitting on the shelf.
"You forgot something."
**
Seeing him again changed everything. She had told herself for so long that she didn't need him. That it was only her mind playing tricks on her and that if she satisfied her mind with pretend versions of him than she would be fine, and she could be happy in her role as Jake's wife.
The moment she saw him again she realized that was complete bullshit. She had been deluding herself into believing that she could honestly be happy with someone who didn't make her happy, but it was the same situation as it had been all those months ago - her hands were still tied.
That night, as she lay in Jake's arms, she let images of Nathan fill her mind.
His smell wafted under her nose. The curve of his spine under her finger tips. The gaze of his eyes burned the nerves under her skin.
She had to be with him again. She just had to.
**
He was waiting for her in room 6 of the dingy motel on Main. He told himself he was only there to talk to her, nothing more. He had kept his distance for a reason and nothing she could say would change his mind.
She came into the room, crying mascara tears down her entire face and onto her neck. He pulled her into his arms.
"What, what is it?"
She looked up into his concerned face.
"Jake was in an accident. He's gone."
He stiffed up.
"Say that again," he ordered.
"Jake.he's gone."
He searched her face.
"Are you lying?"
Her face contorted.
"Of course not. I just came from the hospital."
It was then that he noticed her blood soaked clothes.
"C'mon, take these off. Where is Gracie?"
"With my mother," she said through chattering teeth, as he pulled her shirt over her head.
"It's too soon for." he didn't need to finish the sentence because she nodded in agreement.
"I know. We're the only ones in this shitty rat-hole who won't be getting laid tonight," she tried to make a joke but it came out sounding forced.
Her eyes were glassy and tears were threatening to fall.
"I tried to swerve. I didn't want the car to crash into Gracie so I swerved and it hit Jake full on the passenger side," she admitted as a sob escaped her throat. "Nathan, I'm free."
She cried openly in his arms and he caressed her hair and back.
"Doesn't feel good, does it?" he asked knowingly.
She swiped at her eyes before answering.
"No. It hurts more than saying I do."
The man she had just met twenty-five minutes earlier stopped what he was doing and looked deep into the beautifully vacant face of the pretty young woman, questioning her with his blue eyes. He let out a little laugh.
"Who's this Nathan?" he asked in a husky voice.
"You are for tonight, 'if' you get my drift," she replied back.
He lifted up her left handed and kissed her palm. She pulled her hand away when he tried to touch her wedding ring.
"Why do I have the feeling that's from another 'Nathan' too," he teased her.
"Nope, that's from my husband," Haley said as she sat up. "His name is Jake, and you talk way too damned much."
She pushed some sweaty strands of dark brown hair out of her face. She tried to remember why she had picked this guy to go home with. Was it the ears? The smile? His biceps?
It was her little secret. When she went out now the first thing she did was scour the room for men who were like him in any way shape or form.
She always called out his name in bed. For some of the men it was a turn off, for some a turn on, for others it didn't make one bit of difference what the hell she was screaming as long as she was screaming.
Nathan had had a hard time. People told her he went back to Brooke.Luke and Peyton (separately) broke the news to her.they also told Haley that Nathan had to quit basketball and that he was having major surgery on his knee.the damn limp she noticed so many times having been a sign of injury all this time. He needed someone to help him through, and Brooke was a friend at least, if not also a lover.
She wrote him a get-well card and never sent it, shoving it away in her desk, putting all her thoughts of him there in that desk, stuffed away too while she tried, and damn did she try hard - to make it work with Jake. For months and months she kept to her vows, she devoted herself to Jake and Gracie - taking her vow to be his partner very seriously and at first things were great between them. But, slowly, it became painfully aware to Jake that there was one wifely duty Haley was trying hard to keep from doing to the best of her ability. They had consummated their wedding night, but she had not touched him once since, and her lack of intimacy drove Jake to the point where he had scheduled for them to see a counselor.
But they never went to see the counselor because Haley fixed the problem all on her own. She turned back the hands of time, pre-Nathan, or rather alternative Nathan. The first man she slept with since marrying Jake had Nathan's nose. The next had his thumbs, same shape nail, roughness, size. This one, oh yea - he had his butt.
This way, she had pieces of him. She could call out his name as she writhed under a man she only pretended was him, so that when she went home and made love to her husband, she wasn't any more or less disgusted with herself.because no matter how she looked at it, cheating was cheating was cheating whether or not your hand is forced or your heart is bound.
**
She began to understand what was so important about the word compensation. She compensated for her behavior by becoming the best mother to Gracie that she possibly could. She never spent time with Luke or Peyton or her siblings unless Gracie was with her. The baby used to help her do her homework even if it was drawing with crayons all over her binders, but school became too demanding and she dropped out a couple of weeks after marrying Jake.
Gracie was almost two and becoming a 'real person' who was learning to talk in sentences and walk without falling on her bottom and to eat at a table and to drink from big girl cups and all the exciting things that toddlers do.
The problem was, she was becoming reckless. Not using protection enough, getting caught up in the moment.if she didn't watch out she'd have another Gracie in nine months, one that may look absolutely nothing like Jake, and would look absolutely nothing like Nathan - except for maybe one finger or one ear - and then, only then would her reckless insanity break her heart.
**
It was insane to think that their first meeting would take place in such a pedestrian way - at the grocery store.
Haley was pushing Gracie in the cart up and down the aisles. She had her list in front of her but she had it mostly memorized, and it was much more imperative to watch Gracie while she shopped, the little girl had sticky fingers and liked to pull everything she could reach into the cart, then to stick to Jake's list.
She bought some apple juice, two cans of tuna fish, a steak to cook for dinner and was rounding the vegetable isle to pick up a head of lettuce for a salad when she ran into him.
He was holding a bag of baby carrots and inspecting them for something, what she had no idea.
"Gross, is this mold?" he asked a woman standing next to him picking out tomatoes.
"Yes," the woman said wrinkling her nose. "I know you're young but please don't buy that."
Nathan laughed and put down the bag. He picked up a bag of unpeeled carrots and Haley heard him tell the woman, "I guess my mother will just have to deal with dicing these herself."
Gracie let out a squeal, she was getting restless and Nathan turned around quickly to see what had made the startling noise.
He stared at her and she stared right back at him, up, down, through, inside and out of him. She felt herself heave a sigh that could have shaken the entire store.
He was standing before her. Not parts of him. Not men she pretended were him, it was just him. She never felt more ashamed.
"Hi," he said cautiously, slowly moving closer to her. He smiled at Gracie. "Wow, she got so big."
"Hi." she forced out the words, "yeah she is, isn't she."
"Yeah." he agreed. "Is it just me or is this is a little awkward?"
"Um.I can't do this," she tried to turn around but he grabbed her arm.
"No, don't go," he pleaded. "I haven't seen you since.how was the wedding?"
"Went off without a hitch," she spoke a little more harshly than she intended.
"That's surprising for a James event," he tried to joke.
"Yeah, it was," her voice was even.
"Okay well," he looked dejected, "I'll let you go. We shouldn't be doing this anyway."
Haley laughed then. A deep belly laugh.
"I knew it," she said under her breath. "You suddenly have such high morals that just talking to a married woman is wrong?"
He looked confused.
"I'm not talking to just any married woman. It's you," he said, his voice becoming a whisper towards the end.
"Its me," she echoed, "you don't know me anymore. You would hate me if you knew."
Now he was not confused but rather terrifyingly intrigued.
"What did you do?" his voice was accusatory, the way that sent shivers into her soul the only way Nathan could.
"I regressed," she admitted, "men, lots of men. I look for you in every single one."
He inhaled sharply.
"How do they rate up against your husband?" he asked hesitantly.
"Most are a lot better than him," she said with a slight laugh.
"How do they rate up against me?" he asked his second question.
"Can't hold a candle to the real thing," she explained. "I couldn't go back to you - I couldn't hurt you like that but I needed.I'm so ashamed."
She covered her face in her hands.
"I appreciate you not jerking me around," he said honestly, taking her hands away from her face, "you know the last thing I wanted was to be the other man - to compete with Jake every day for you, it would have killed me."
"It would have killed me too," she said.
"So then this is better," he said with a small smile, indicating he was lying through his teeth.
"It has to be," she replied.
"Yeah."
He took a deep breath.
"Okay, I'm going to walk away now. It was nice to see you again," he said as formally as he could without his voice catching.
He reached out his hand but she hurled herself into his body and hugged him as hard as she could instead. She kissed his collar and nuzzled herself into him and he ran his hands through her hair before backing up.
"Bye," he whispered as he turned around and walked towards the cashier.
Haley picked up the carrots he had been holding but were still sitting on the shelf.
"You forgot something."
**
Seeing him again changed everything. She had told herself for so long that she didn't need him. That it was only her mind playing tricks on her and that if she satisfied her mind with pretend versions of him than she would be fine, and she could be happy in her role as Jake's wife.
The moment she saw him again she realized that was complete bullshit. She had been deluding herself into believing that she could honestly be happy with someone who didn't make her happy, but it was the same situation as it had been all those months ago - her hands were still tied.
That night, as she lay in Jake's arms, she let images of Nathan fill her mind.
His smell wafted under her nose. The curve of his spine under her finger tips. The gaze of his eyes burned the nerves under her skin.
She had to be with him again. She just had to.
**
He was waiting for her in room 6 of the dingy motel on Main. He told himself he was only there to talk to her, nothing more. He had kept his distance for a reason and nothing she could say would change his mind.
She came into the room, crying mascara tears down her entire face and onto her neck. He pulled her into his arms.
"What, what is it?"
She looked up into his concerned face.
"Jake was in an accident. He's gone."
He stiffed up.
"Say that again," he ordered.
"Jake.he's gone."
He searched her face.
"Are you lying?"
Her face contorted.
"Of course not. I just came from the hospital."
It was then that he noticed her blood soaked clothes.
"C'mon, take these off. Where is Gracie?"
"With my mother," she said through chattering teeth, as he pulled her shirt over her head.
"It's too soon for." he didn't need to finish the sentence because she nodded in agreement.
"I know. We're the only ones in this shitty rat-hole who won't be getting laid tonight," she tried to make a joke but it came out sounding forced.
Her eyes were glassy and tears were threatening to fall.
"I tried to swerve. I didn't want the car to crash into Gracie so I swerved and it hit Jake full on the passenger side," she admitted as a sob escaped her throat. "Nathan, I'm free."
She cried openly in his arms and he caressed her hair and back.
"Doesn't feel good, does it?" he asked knowingly.
She swiped at her eyes before answering.
"No. It hurts more than saying I do."