Author's Notes: This is my first attempt at Nick/Greg slash, inspired by some kid I met and Vertical Horizon's song Trying To Find A Purpose. Constructive criticism is welcome as long as you're not homophobic and flaming me because it's against your beliefs to see two guys getting it on because all I need right now to complete my day is some narrow minded bimbo telling me I'm disgusting.
Dedications:
EJ — we're practicing a real life parody of Titanic last night and we didn't even know it dude. Thanks for being such a gentleman last night, teaching me how to spit properly on that ship and sorry if I intimidated you much.
AYSF—you inspired me a lot kiddo. This is for you.
Standard disclaimers apply.
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Matters Of The Heart
by Shace
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He never really did have a good enough reason to want to leave Greg—sure there were times when he'd thought he'd pushed too far, times when he'd thought he was way over his head for even leaving a considerable room enough to get attached more than he ever intended that one hand on Greg's apartment door felt like the only way out this whole mess— even if sometimes he'd be contemplating on telling Greg it wasn't a good idea to date co workers or that he wasn't really the romantic, committed type or that they might not work out things between them so they better straighten this whole thing out but there was always something in the way.
Even before Nick could say it, say he didn't want to push any further down the road with Greg there was always something getting through. And Nick might not ever wanted to admit it, but he was glad he was in this mess in the first place, glad that there were things and feelings happening to prevent him from saying he wanted to stop things with Greg and just remain friends even if it was hard enough that they saw each other at work.
Really, they were friends and felt at ease around the other and at times when Nick pretended that nothing else outside of the norm existed between the both of them he knew as well as Greg who was sensitive about the whole thing that he was only avoiding the subject. He never understood it; why Greg seemed wanting Nick over to his place even if he knew perfectly well that their 'fling' would never last if it were to go on like that.
There were times when Nick felt frustrated about it because it was his own fault that he started fooling around with him, fooling Greg. He partially blamed himself for starting the mess he was currently in, while on the other half of things he blamed Greg for looking for something he knew Nick might ever be able to give.
The basis for their long-standing 'thing' wasn't just the sex but something else more to Greg, and yet even Nick was nervous, if not more than afraid, to admit what that something else is all about.
They had never really engaged in any formal relationship, never even went out together to consider a date in their hands because Nick was paranoid enough that the others at work might know and Griss might just never consider getting Greg out of the lab if ever that happens.
And in any way their 'thing' certainly had not been one to allow both parties to talk about what was going on, as Nick wanted to keep his private life, private and Greg wanted to keep this thing with Greg.
So maybe it was a one-night stand. It had begun a good few months ago, maybe a long-standing fling then. But whatever it was, it was tearing Nick apart. Tearing him to pieces because he had never been one to dwell on subjects related to his love life, or lack thereof if you could account his sleeping with Greg.
And Greg was the type to make him feel guilty enough even if the younger man wasn't aware of it. It was everything about him that spoke volumes that if ever Nick stopped now it would be too late to fix things and Greg will and he will never be the same again;
And it was things like, Greg's slender fingers dancing across Nick's back as he reached behind the sturdy man to ease away his troubles, relieving his back and shoulders of tension whenever a shift's case still plagued Nick's mind, the way that crooked grin of his made Nick's heart flutter at those times when he felt he wanted out and the urgency in the young man's eyes when he wanted Nick.
They never talked about it, have barely even touched the subject of the thing going on between them.
It had become a routine for them now just like when you get up in the morning for a shower or brush your hair and teeth; either of them would drop by the other's apartment and basically did what they've been thinking about their entire night shift, leaving only of course little to imagine.
And Nick almost wanted it that way and for a long time kept it that way. But he was fooling himself enough not to think about the consequences sleeping with Greg brought because they never really talked about it— the direction their thing was leading or what it had been all about— and Nick had never really been the kind to dwell on the subject of commitment.
Then again it's not as if Greg knew any more than Nick than the other man would let on. And it wasn't fair because Nick, whether aware of it or not, had been playing mind games with him and tearing him up mutually as well.
There were times when he'd stop by Greg's station to drop some evidence for processing, acting as if moments earlier they hadn't been making out in the shower and Greg would just be so pissy about it sometimes he'd give the CSI the cold shoulder. But both of them knew it wouldn't last long.
For Greg it was enough that they were together, that Nick knew. And it was guilt, and another feeling that ate at him whenever Greg looked at him like he was the only thing that really mattered in his life.
Nick was having trouble realizing that sometimes not only his career mattered because for a long time his preferences in life had been overshadowed by his parents' roles in society.
Moving into Las Vegas had been something he'd wanted all on his own—to build himself an identity that wasn't branching off of his parents'.
He came here with higher aspirations — maybe of freedom too from the constraining life that withheld him in back at home— and for a fleeting moment before he ever encountered the kooky Greg Sanders he thought his life would be all right with fly-by-night relationships that he was glad never worked out and his career the center of his interest and focus.
Everything else had been all planned out; he'd meet success as a CSI in this corner of the world and nothing else could interfere with that because that way he'd live a happy, promising life with the ladies — and at this he regretted Kristy — that'll soon be coming in and out of his life as he knew he couldn't and wouldn't keep them.
When Greg came into his life, everything else fell into a complete cluttered jumble — the neat plans of his career ruling him and the hopes of masking his preferences— and that was why he was standing there right in front of Greg Sanders' apartment door, the spare key Greg had given him weeks into their 'thing' still clutched painfully in the palm of his hand, his heart heavy with apprehension and disguised fear.
Fear of what was yet to come, of what he'd lose. But he willed himself not to think that because this has got to stop and whatever Greg did or said won't make him back out now.
It took him a few seconds to gather up enough courage to push open the door after securing the key into its lock on the knob. After closing the door behind him once he was inside and not bothering to flick on the light switch, he moved in carefully guarded strides across the medium sized apartment, noting its familiar homely feel and scent.
He felt a little foolish after he slipped the spare key into his back pocket. For someone breaking up with Greg he sure made it a point not to leave the key somewhere in the vicinity of Greg's apartment to stand out as a statement of finality that this thing has ended and he wanted out, that it was over.
But Nick told himself he was giving the key back anyway, that Greg deserved a decent explanation and he was giving it back to Greg in person.
Nick made his way towards the room. A place most familiar to him. Then again all of the rooms there he had been acquainted with more often than not but the bedroom had been the one that he'd known so well from the first night he'd come to Greg looking for relief and perhaps a little warmth because sometimes the case got to him and he'd nowhere to seek refuge— but Greg was always there. If even as a friend.
It was kind of disappointing because he'd never get that kind of comfort anymore. Even just a conversation with Greg he could so easily fit into and sometimes at work when he'd stop by to see how Greg was doing at dull, slow nights and watch the way the other man smiled and moved that had been enough to keep him sane.
Nick was in the bedroom before he knew it, and rather than tear his clothes off, push him onto the mattress and devour his mouth hungrily as was custom, Greg was asleep on the bed, beat from the shift.
The light seeping from the outside peeked through the windows and played across Greg's exposed skin. The scars from the explosion still lingered on the stretch of paleness of his back, narrow ugly marks trailing upwards to his shoulder blades and the side of his arms—a constant reminder that only fueled Nick's apprehension as to what he was about to do, his intentions.
And he almost wanted to turn around and leave but he willed himself not to, because the last thing he needed right now was guilt.
The sheets were tangled around Greg's waist, revealing the small of his back and only little to imagine. Nick wanted to touch him to see if he were real—and maybe he really did want to touch except that his intention was that to preserve the memory of Greg's skin beneath his hands and relive the moment one last time.
Nick moved gently to sit next to Greg who'd look a lot younger than normal with his hair sticking up in every which way. Nick wanted to smile despite himself and cautiously he reached out to run a thumb over Greg's parted lips.
At the touch, Greg stirred but not enough to suggest he was fully awake. And he murmured something incoherent for a few moments till Nick realized it was his name. He began absent-mindedly stroking Greg's cheek gently, and Greg leaned into the touch, eyes shut tight and still half-asleep.
Greg reached out blindly for the hand on his cheek, cradling it to his bare chest and hugging it tight like it was a pillow. Nick started at this, albeit a part of him wanted to immerse in this moment and let the silence hang over them like a blanket against Greg's murmurs.
Truth be told they rarely shared any intimate moments together and this was one experience Nick knew he'd cherish forever; Greg sleeping soundly and gripping his arm like it was life support, against himself.
Nick began to draw his hand away once Greg was fully settled into oblivion, thinking maybe he shouldn't disturb Greg's sleep after all because this could definitely wait. Only as he took his arm away from Greg, the younger man called out to him.
"Hnmnph…Nick..stay. nnmph..don't leave me."
Nick turned to him, wondering if Greg was pulling his leg and just pretending to be asleep. Then again if he'd been awake they'd be naked right now and panting and Nick would be fully inside Greg in a matter of seconds.
But they weren't and maybe Greg had been asleep.
Nick debated whether or not to give in but before he actually thought things up, he was pulling off his shoes and sliding in the sheets next to Greg.
Nick let out an inaudible sigh; this was just one of those nights his big break up plan would end up thwarted and forgotten and even if the CSI tried, he knew he was never going to be able to tell Greg they couldn't go on.
"Hnnphph.." Greg was mumbling again as he rested his head on Nick's shoulder, reveling in the warmth of the other man. "Love you, Nick…"
Nick's eyes widened at that and as Greg burrowed his head on his chest and placed a hand on his arm, suddenly everything else had changed. They weren't in a fling anymore. They were in a relationship now because they cared for the other in a way that even if not told, conveyed still.
Plans needed to be altered and maybe, maybe Nick's career shouldn't be the center of all his focus anymore because he had Greg now, and Greg loved him and he loved Greg. And it would be boring and so routine to be so involved with his work when Greg was there caring for him.
The thought still terrified Nick but as much as it did it sent a thrill down his spine. He was after all a pretty pre-organized guy and just the idea of changing the whole course of his life for one Greg made it all the more difficult to adjust to the inevitable consequences soon to follow. Nonetheless, who's to say might be?
It sounded good—the feeling of not worrying about the past and future because all that mattered was now and now he had Greg wrapped around his arms and breathing softly.
When Greg started to mumble again — this time something about him missing Nick whenever he didn't come over to his lab station or when the CSI didn't speak to him on the mornings after— Nick kissed the top of his head.
It made Nick think about his wanting to leave Greg and the earlier thoughts and excuses that bordered around how things might not ever work out between them two and how dating coworkers wasn't an enamoring idea but really, why'd he ever want to do that, leave Greg when the CSI never really did have a good enough reason to want to leave him to begin with?
"I miss you too." He whispered into the unruly mass of blonde hair through his mouth. And it wasn't the 'I love you.' Greg had long since been yearning for but it was close as Nick could get and close was good as long as it involved Greg and himself.
Greg smiled to himself.
Fin***
Please Review? Please!
If you like it then maybe this is a start of a series of writing CSI for me. You know I've never been good with these things, writing CSI slash between Nick and Greg I mean. Anyway tell me if you like it or not, I'd appreciate that.