The A's to Z's Chapter Three
~~
Reviewer Response:
Broken Infinity: Yes, Kirk the ceiling tile. I thought it had a sort-of ring to it, Y'know?
I-Am-Bug: Yes, a U. Not a Q.
~~
Whilst Spock and Cabbage had been arguing over the logic of a Phoenix actually being a Z who is called Chocolate-and-Cheese, Kirk had fetched his suitcase.
"So you're saying this is a P?" He asked, holding out the suitcase to Cabbage. She nodded.
"You must speak the password for him to speak back to you." She explained reverently, holding one hand to her right kneecap.
"Why are you holding your knee?" McCoy asked. Cabbage arched a rather un- Spock-like brow at him.
"It's called Muffin's honour."
"I see. So, what's the password?"
"WAKE UP YOU STUPID SUITCASE!"
"Couldn't someone accidentally say that password? It's not that secretive." Kirk asked.
"And since when is a human likely to say 'WAKE UP YOU STUPID SUITCASE' without being admitted to a mental institution?"
"Point." Said Suitcase.
"See? He agrees with me."
Kirk's head was starting to hurt.
"We need a staff meeting." He decided, "Spock, get Sulu, Chekov, Uhura and Scotty into the briefing room."
Cabbage laughed, "Don't you mean Swimming Pool, get Toilet Seat, Caviar Dish, Blue Grass and Warp Engine?"
"No." Kirk mumbled. His head was refusing to acknowledge these new names. Usually when he met women, he didn't even get names.
"I'll bring Suitcase and Chocolate-and-Cheese then." Cabbage took Kirk's suitcase and wandered back to Sick Bay to fetch the phoenix.
~~
"A talking suitcase?"
"A girl named Cabbage?"
"My name's Blue Grass?"
"At least I'm named after a Russian Inwention."
These were the comments that greeted Kirk as he entered the Briefing Room. Evidently Cabbage had started without him, as she was sitting in his chair, dressed as Winston Churchill, with a cigar hanging out of her mouth.
"Yes, it's all true." The Captain muttered, going over to Cabbage, "get outta my chair."
Another giant peach appeared on the floor and Cabbage turned into the giant spider from James and the Giant Peach, and sat on it.
"So." Kirk suddenly realised he didn't have a reason for calling the meeting.
"Why are we here?" Uhura - Blue Grass - inquired.
"Because the U's and the P's and the Z's wish to make peace with the Federation so they have sent Cabbage, Suitcase and Chocolate-and-Cheese to speak to us." Spock explained. Everyone looked at him like he was mad, then stared at the Suitcase that was placed in the middle of the table when it suddenly said:
"The green feller's right. Except I'm actually Suitcase-Baggage-Rack The Third."
"You make no sense." Chekov informed him.
"Shut up, Caviar Dish." Chocolate-and-Cheese - the phoenix - snapped. "We are not here to be made fun of. We are here to stop the Q from destroying your universe."
"A noble quest." Said a voice from one corner, "but what makes you think that we are going to destroy the universe?"
Everyone looked round. Standing in the door was a broom. It was leaning on the frame casually.
"Oh, not you." Cabbage cried, thumping her eight legs against the wool impatiently, "Q, go away!"
"No. You're spreading bad rumours about the Q's. And therefore, the A's and V's."
"What is this, a Nursery School?" McCoy piped up, "Your races are seriously named after letters? They don't have names?"
"Be quiet, hypospray." The broom - Q - folded its bristles, "this has nothing to do with you."
"It has to do with him and everyone in the Federation." Cabbage argued.
"He is but a hypospray, it doesn't matter."
"I'm a Doctor, actually." McCoy muttered sulkily, crossing his arms and glaring.
"Of course you are." The Broom shook its handle, "anyway. Bad luck with the Negotiations!"
And he popped off.
Quite literally.
~~
A few notes:
"Good Side": The U's Z's and P's.
"Bad Side": The Q's, A's and V's.
~~
Reviewer Response:
Broken Infinity: Yes, Kirk the ceiling tile. I thought it had a sort-of ring to it, Y'know?
I-Am-Bug: Yes, a U. Not a Q.
~~
Whilst Spock and Cabbage had been arguing over the logic of a Phoenix actually being a Z who is called Chocolate-and-Cheese, Kirk had fetched his suitcase.
"So you're saying this is a P?" He asked, holding out the suitcase to Cabbage. She nodded.
"You must speak the password for him to speak back to you." She explained reverently, holding one hand to her right kneecap.
"Why are you holding your knee?" McCoy asked. Cabbage arched a rather un- Spock-like brow at him.
"It's called Muffin's honour."
"I see. So, what's the password?"
"WAKE UP YOU STUPID SUITCASE!"
"Couldn't someone accidentally say that password? It's not that secretive." Kirk asked.
"And since when is a human likely to say 'WAKE UP YOU STUPID SUITCASE' without being admitted to a mental institution?"
"Point." Said Suitcase.
"See? He agrees with me."
Kirk's head was starting to hurt.
"We need a staff meeting." He decided, "Spock, get Sulu, Chekov, Uhura and Scotty into the briefing room."
Cabbage laughed, "Don't you mean Swimming Pool, get Toilet Seat, Caviar Dish, Blue Grass and Warp Engine?"
"No." Kirk mumbled. His head was refusing to acknowledge these new names. Usually when he met women, he didn't even get names.
"I'll bring Suitcase and Chocolate-and-Cheese then." Cabbage took Kirk's suitcase and wandered back to Sick Bay to fetch the phoenix.
~~
"A talking suitcase?"
"A girl named Cabbage?"
"My name's Blue Grass?"
"At least I'm named after a Russian Inwention."
These were the comments that greeted Kirk as he entered the Briefing Room. Evidently Cabbage had started without him, as she was sitting in his chair, dressed as Winston Churchill, with a cigar hanging out of her mouth.
"Yes, it's all true." The Captain muttered, going over to Cabbage, "get outta my chair."
Another giant peach appeared on the floor and Cabbage turned into the giant spider from James and the Giant Peach, and sat on it.
"So." Kirk suddenly realised he didn't have a reason for calling the meeting.
"Why are we here?" Uhura - Blue Grass - inquired.
"Because the U's and the P's and the Z's wish to make peace with the Federation so they have sent Cabbage, Suitcase and Chocolate-and-Cheese to speak to us." Spock explained. Everyone looked at him like he was mad, then stared at the Suitcase that was placed in the middle of the table when it suddenly said:
"The green feller's right. Except I'm actually Suitcase-Baggage-Rack The Third."
"You make no sense." Chekov informed him.
"Shut up, Caviar Dish." Chocolate-and-Cheese - the phoenix - snapped. "We are not here to be made fun of. We are here to stop the Q from destroying your universe."
"A noble quest." Said a voice from one corner, "but what makes you think that we are going to destroy the universe?"
Everyone looked round. Standing in the door was a broom. It was leaning on the frame casually.
"Oh, not you." Cabbage cried, thumping her eight legs against the wool impatiently, "Q, go away!"
"No. You're spreading bad rumours about the Q's. And therefore, the A's and V's."
"What is this, a Nursery School?" McCoy piped up, "Your races are seriously named after letters? They don't have names?"
"Be quiet, hypospray." The broom - Q - folded its bristles, "this has nothing to do with you."
"It has to do with him and everyone in the Federation." Cabbage argued.
"He is but a hypospray, it doesn't matter."
"I'm a Doctor, actually." McCoy muttered sulkily, crossing his arms and glaring.
"Of course you are." The Broom shook its handle, "anyway. Bad luck with the Negotiations!"
And he popped off.
Quite literally.
~~
A few notes:
"Good Side": The U's Z's and P's.
"Bad Side": The Q's, A's and V's.