***
Author's note: beta thanks for this chapter goes to Rachel, who flew in at the last minute and stopped me hitting myself over the head.
***
The Potions exam was a disaster. Remus didn't need to exchange post-class notes with his friends to know he had gotten question five and seven wrong. Professor Balatro had picked up Remus's finished exam paper like it was a dirty rag. It was obvious the professor had already made his mind up over what mark to give the Gryffindor. Remus grimaced; he'd be lucky to pass his Potions NEWT at this stage.
His heart didn't lighten as he was saying goodbye to James, Lily and Peter at the top of the second floor staircase. If he guessed right, Professor Lentus wanted a long chat with him. They'd probably be gone by the time he got back to Gryffindor tower. Lily had hugged Remus for a long time before winding her arm around James. Her anger from yesterday had been quickly forgiven when it turned out James only had a sprained wrist. The left one unfortunately, so he still had to sit the Potions exam.
Remus knocked on the door to the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor's office. There was a short pause before the door opened.
"Remus," the professor smiled widely. "Please, come in."
Remus smiled in return, hoping that the teacher's cheerful demeanour meant he wasn't in trouble. He'd never been under the same kind of suspicion as Sirius and James. Being a prefect had given the professors a false sense of security where the young werewolf was concerned. They accredited him with more conscientiousness than they had ever given to his two dark haired friends.
As Remus sat down he noticed the clutter in front of him. On the desk, opened books were piled haphazardly on top of one another and a stack of parchments held the professor's scribbled notes.
"I was just doing some research," Professor Lentus explained as she started to tidy.
Remus recognised some of the names on the books like, Magical Theory and Sites of Historical Sorcery, but right on the bottom was a huge book Remus had never seen. It was bound in green animal skin and emblazoned on the cover was the inscription:
Guardiahs & feats sf sldeh Eire, bg Sechah Tsrreist.
Remus only had a moment to look at it before Professor Lentus bundled it into her desk drawer.
"Now," she said, moving towards the side table. "Would you like something to drink?"
"Umm... no, thank you, Professor." Remus answered, getting a little confused. Did she just want a cup of tea and a chat?
"Very well," she said and sat back into her chair once she had poured herself a cup of steaming red liquid. "I was wondering," she asked, raising her hand and pointing to Remus's chest. "May I see your pendant?"
Remus's eyes fell in surprise to see the small token hanging from his neck. He had never meant to wear it again and had not even realised he was, until that moment.
"I understand if it's too private..."
"No," he cut in, "it's fine." Remus reached up and unhooked the chain, passing it quickly into the professor's hands.
She seemed fascinated by the creature, weighing it carefully in her hands. Her thumb ran over his head and down his dark back.
"He was a gift?" the professor asked.
"Yes," Remus replied, and she nodded as if expecting the answer.
"From a friend?"
Remus hesitated. Not a friend anymore.
"It's okay," the professor said easily. "You don't have to tell me."
They sat in silence for a moment longer until Remus began to feel uncomfortably.
"Professor," Remus asked, sitting forward "W-what is this about?"
"I'm sorry, Remus," she said, a willing smile on her lips. "I wasn't sure when I saw you wearing it in class... that's why I went through my books." She shook her head again as she looked at the dog.
"Professor?" Remus asked again, even more confused.
Professor Lentus looked up at Remus for the first time. On seeing his expression her manner changed from childlike curiosity to something much more serious.
"You do know what this is, don't you, Remus?" she asked with a worried concern. "It's a Facio pendent."
A Facio pendent...? No, not a Facio pendent... it was a...
"A Madra Mór," Remus said softly. The professor smiled.
"Well," she conceded, "they have been known as that, but it's a misnomer that has sprung up over time." She looked back at the figure held in her hand. "The Facio pendent is a very powerful piece... a rare one. They are said to come in any shape or form and can be used for both good and bad means, depending on the intent of the giver.
"This particular piece would have been designed specifically.... I think," she turned it over again; "I think it's based on Cuchulainn." Her brow creased as she contemplated the thoughts running through her mind.
Remus was getting more and more confused by the minute. He hadn't thought the dog was anything more than a trinket, but it turned out he was dealing with something he'd never even read about.
"I'm sorry, Professor," Remus interrupted. "I really don't understand."
Professor Lentus looked up again, suddenly realised how incomprehensible she was being.
"No, I'm sorry, Remus, I'm a little overexcited," she apologised. "Let me explain properly." She put the piece down on the table and folded her hands. "One of my hobbies is ancient myths. I have come to believe that many of our earliest beliefs can be deciphered by looking at the myths that now prevail in our society. Not just the wizarding world, but the Muggle world, as well. I believe the story of Cuchulainn is one of the earliest written examples we have for the Facio charm.
"The legend tells of a young Irish man called Setanta, who was a warrior in the army of the king of Ulster, Conor Mac Nessa. Setanta was a strong warrior and proved himself in many a battle. He was even a skilled Hurling player... which is like Quidditch but played with a stick called a Hurley," Remus nodded, having heard about the sport before. "On one particular day, the King was invited by his blacksmith, Culann, to attend a great feast. Setanta, being the King's best warrior, was also invited. He was late going to the feast however, and when he began the journey, he brought his Hurley and ball to practice on the way. He arrived at Culann's land to find the smith had released his hound to protect the property. The hound was a vicious animal and attacked the 'intruder'. Setanta hit the ball at the hound with his Hurley and it went right down the hounds throat, choking the beast.
"The noise roused the party guests and they came out to see Setanta standing over the lifeless animal. Culann was distraught. The animal had been his only means of protection. 'Who will guard my house, now?' he asked the young warrior. Setanta looked at the animal laying dead at his feet and felt a sense of duty calling him to the blacksmith's aid. 'I will guard your house,' he told the man, 'and no harm shall come to you while I do.'
"Thus, Setanta became Cuchulainn, meaning 'the hound of Culann.'" The professor paused and took a soothing breath. "It was a noble sacrifice for the young man to make, and as a result – in myth at least – the Facio charm was born. Whether this is the true beginning of the magic involved with the charm or not, we shall never know, but it is obvious that some believe it enough to carve charms in Cuchulainn's likeness." She indicated the figure on the desk.
"But," Remus said. "What does it do?" he asked, indicating the pendent. "And why?"
"It's a sacrifice charm," she explained carefully. "A bond is created between giver and receiver... In this case; the sacrifice is made by the giver. They commit themselves to the receiver," she raised her hand to indicate Remus, "and in doing so promise to sacrifice their own welfare for that of their partner."
"They... take my pain," Remus whispered after a moment's contemplation.
"Not just pain," Professor Lentus continued. "In some cases a channel is created in which other negative emotions are transferred; anger, hate, fear. It has even been written that one life can be exchanged for another... but again, this has never been witnessed."
Remus shivered at the thought. Sirius had to have known. With his family, and his cleverness! This couldn't just be a coincidence. And Sirius said at the time that it had come from Celtic legend.
"So..." Remus started, trying to decipher the story. "Setanta... He became an Animagus?"
The professor's brow tweaked at the words.
"What makes you think that?
"You said he became the hound of Culann."
"Just in name... as far as we know
"But..." Remus continued. "If he did... he would have been a dog."
"It's a possibility," she conceded, "a dog is seen as a loyal servant and protector but you must remember, the tales of Cuchulainn are so old that they were almost lost before their revival by Sechan Torpeist in the 7th century."
Remus nodded, but wasn't really listening.
"How is the charm broken?"
"Quite simple, really," she said, picking up the small dog, "Return the gift." Remus's eyes met hers and she could feel the cold anger in them.
"How hard are they to find?" he asked. "Could it have been given as a mistake?" he was clutching at straws, he realised that, but Sirius knew how Remus felt about this sort of thing. About the sacrifice Remus's friends had already made for him. About the pain they should never had seen, and now Sirius tries this.
It explained so much; how that first transformation in February had been easier, why Sirius seemed to understand the pain, why he had spat Remus's own anger back at him. Sirius had felt it all; he had absorbed Remus's own emotions.
"I wouldn't think so," she answered. "Whoever gave this to you cares very deeply about your wellbeing." She placed the item on the table in front of Remus. "They are a good friend."
"Not a friend!" Remus barked, snatching the piece from the table and much to Professor Lentus's surprise, nice unassuming Gryffindor prefect, Remus J. Lupin, stormed out of her office.
***
Remus's stalked through the unusual quite of the Gryffindor common room and a moment later the door to his room smashed open.
In an instant he found Sirius's form lying relaxed on his bed. The noise roused the other Gryffindor and he sat up just in time to see a small black object fly passed his head; missing him by centimetres.
"You can take your mercy gift back," Remus hissed through his anger. His fists clamped into balls of fury.
Sirius looked over his shoulder to where the pendent had forced a gash into his headboard. Blue eyes widened when he saw the figure lying limply on his pillow. He was lost for words.
"Don't even try to think of an excuse, Sirius," Remus warned. "I know what it is! I know exactly what your little charm does."
Still Sirius seemed lost for words. His mouth had dropped open but there was nothing coming out.
"What?" Remus questioned bitterly. "Didn't think I would figure it out?! Did you really think I was that stupid?"
"No!" Sirius answered quickly.
"What then?"
"I just... I didn't get the chance-"
"What!" Remus said in disbelief. "All those times we were alone together and you never thought to mention what you had done. You never thought I would like to know that you had... had... cursed me."
"I never cursed you, Remus," Sirius stood up from the bed, "and this is exactly why I didn't tell you. I knew you'd overreact."
"Overreact!" Remus shouted, his eyes wide and angry. "You made yourself into a punching bag, Sirius. You used my pain like it was something to be played with. How the hell do you think that makes me feel?"
"I didn't want you to feel like that any-" Sirius stopped, rephrasing his thoughts. "I didn't want you to have that... pain. If I could have taken all of it, I would have."
"And what if something happened," Remus argued, "like what did happen, and I had died. Would you have taken that as well?"
"If all it meant was that you would live instead of me..." Sirius said with determination, his eyes glistening, "then, yes. I would have."
Remus stared at the boy in front of him, a boy who had just admitted more than Remus ever thought possible.
"You bloody idiot," Remus whispered, his anger slightly subsided. "Do you think that's what I want? Do you think I would ever want you to die just to save me?"
Remus could see the answer in Sirius's face.
"No," Sirius answered, "but you didn't want me to become an Animagus, either."
"That's because it was dangerous!"
"So is being a werewolf," Sirius pushed, "but you didn't have a choice."
"Exactly!" Remus exclaimed. "Sirius... you choose to do all these things; they are dangerous and bad for you, but you choose them. You can never know how helpless it is not to have that choice."
"I know what it is to be helpless, Remus. I know, because that's how I felt most of my life before I met you. That's how I feel when there's nothing I can do for you."
"But you do... Padfoot does."
"It's not enough," Sirius said forcefully. "That's why I didn't tell you. I knew you wouldn't go for it and I'd never get another chance."
"So you lied to me."
Sirius lowered his head; the shame of what he had done etched across his face. "Yes," he swiped at his cheeks, "but I convinced myself it was forgivable, because I knew how you felt. I could feel it, and it just made me more in awe of you."
Remus shook his head in annoyance but Sirius continued.
"Not because I thought you were strong or powerful or... whatever, but because I knew how hard it was for you," Sirius paused. "How afraid it made you... but you still carried on, even through it all."
"I have to." Remus said, brushing aside the comments.
"No you don't!" Sirius retorted. "You could just give up and no one would think any less of you, but you won't... You won't because you don't agree with what 'they' say. People like my parents. You won't play into the hands of the bigots." Sirius shook his head, a flash of anger rising. "That's what they want. Little bastards like Sna-" Sirius cut the rest of the name off but it was too late. He had mentioned the one name both of them had been avoiding.
Remus looked up at Sirius but the blue eyes wouldn't meet him.
"What – why did you tell him, Sirius?" Remus implored. "What did he do?"
Sirius shook his head. He brought his hands up and pressed the heels into his eyes, trying to wipe away the wetness, and then let them settle cross his chest. He wouldn't meet Remus's eyes.
"Dumbledore asked me that," Sirius said in a low voice.
"What did you tell him?"
"I – I told him I couldn't remember," Sirius answered. "I really don't remember it... I know Snape had a go at me. He said something about Christmas, but.... I can't think what it was." Sirius raised his hand to his face. "I could feel how pissed off I was at him... and then, something else... I could feel," he turned away from Remus, "I could feel you transforming. I could feel what you went through every single moon, and at the same time Snape was acting like you were worthless... I – I guess I couldn't hold it in any longer." Sirius stopped; his head downcast.
"So it's my fault, then!" Remus said angrily.
"What?" Sirius spun around and stared at the furious boy.
"You said it!" Remus spat. "You said you felt me transforming and you couldn't control yourself." Remus was really angry now. "You put a charm on me that I didn't even know about, and then blame me for the fact that it works... Jesus, Sirius, don't you ever think. What was it? Did you want to get into my head so much that you just use the first thing that comes to mind? God!" Remus hit his hand on the top of his trunk. "Magic is never that simple, Sirius."
"I know that!"
"Obviously!"
"Look, I was stupid, I know that. And I can't really explain what happened, but I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I was trying to help... it just, it backfired."
"And now Snape knows, and James could have been-"
"I know!... I know," Sirius agreed, "but I-" Sirius stopped, unable to find more words. He pushed his hands over his face and pulled them through his hair. Gripping the long locks in an attempt to keep his cool.
"Sirius, you have to talk if we're going to sort this out."
"You think we can?" Sirius asked hopefully, moving towards Remus.
"I meant – as friends," Remus replied taking a step back. The distance between them was obvious. Sirius closed his eyes momentarily, but then moved back again.
"Yeah... as friends," he agreed despondently.
Remus watched him sit back down on his bed. The boy was so dejected, but then, he deserved to be. Remus had never felt so betrayed in his life. Not only by a friend but by someone he cared about deeply. He didn't know if he could trust Sirius again. He didn't now if he was willing to risk his friendship, never mind risking his heart.
They talked into the night, not really getting anywhere. It was obvious there would be no spontaneous moment of reunion, no instant harmony. The conversation fluctuated from tired mumblings to all out shouting. They only noticed what time it was when the fob watch on Peter's nightstand chimed midnight. He was always forgetting it.
Remus rubbed a tired hand across his own face. "I guess we should go to bed," he said, feeling his eyes stinging behind his drooping lids. They had been 'talking' for so long that they had even missed dinner. Remus didn't care. He didn't think he would be able to eat anyway.
"Yeah," Sirius answered, getting to his feet from the position they had taken on the floor. "Are we... are we okay?" he asked, a silent hope echoed in his voice.
"No," Remus answered. "We're better, but we're a long way off from being okay." Remus was so tired he didn't even have the energy to put emotion into his words any more. He pulled his clothes off and collapsed into bed. His shoulders ached. Hell, his whole body ached. It was surprising how draining just talking to Sirius could be. Well, shouting at him, as well.
Remus lay on the bed, his eyes closed, as he listened to Sirius's night time movements. Soon the other boy had gotten into bed and after ten minutes rhythmic breathing told Remus that he was asleep.
Sleep didn't come so easily to Remus. He lay on his bed as many thoughts and feelings crisscrossed through his brain. In time, he could feel the sun rise and still he did not sleep. He knew he should sleep, but it was easier this way. The longer he stayed up, the later he would sleep once the tiredness was too hard to fight. He wouldn't have to face tomorrow and the other students. He wouldn't have to deal with Sirius without the buffer of James and Peter.
The plan didn't work, however. Remus couldn't sleep. He spent the whole night letting the Whomping Willow scenario run through his head. He still didn't know what exactly had happened and Sirius's explanation really didn't shed any light on the event.
When he heard Sirius's bedclothes rustling and the familiar sound of naked feet padding across the floor, Remus figured he would have to get up. Sleep would not come with the harsh spring sun shining through the tower windows.
Sirius was splashing water on his face when Remus walked into the bathroom. Sirius smiled genially at Remus as droplets of water hung from his dark hair.
"Sleep well?" the Animagus asked.
"Yeah," Remus lied. The last thing he needed was to send Sirius on another guilt trip by telling him the truth.
Remus washed quickly and went down to breakfast.
The Great Hall was busier then it would be at Christmas, but still the lessened din was noticeable. Many students were taking advantage of the short holiday to spend it with family. Hogwarts' students had been quite lucky in the last years and there had been few losses, but those that had come, had affected the school badly.
Remus remembered the first one.
It had been almost two years ago now; at the end of their fifth year. They had been in the middle of a rather jovial Charms lesson when Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall came to the door. After a moment talking to Professor Flitwick, they had led Eliza McKinnon from the room.
The class had fallen into a deadly silence. Each student – whether friends with Eliza or not – had hoped that she was merely in trouble, but those who knew her had been quieter than most.
When the brunette returned to the room, she packed her bag in silence, her breath hitching slightly. The deadly pale of her cheeks had been sickening. Remus had felt like he was going to vomit.
When she looked up, her eyes connected with Remus's. They were brimming with tears which she refused to let fall.
Then she said something. She was saying it to the whole class really, but she looked only at Remus.
"In my heart, I think we have two choices: either we give up, or we fight for what we know is right. Better to die fighting for freedom then to be a prisoner all the days of your life," she stopped. Remus could see her hands clenched into fists. "I remember that all through history the way of truth has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall."
Eliza's mother and father had been killed; slaughtered by Death Eaters. She was an orphan with a brother, barely a year old, to protect. Louise and Monty McKinnon had been leaders in the campaign against Lord Voldemort. It looked like their daughter had inherited some of their courage and bravery.
Remus sat down at the Gryffindor table, trying to shake the memory off. He remembered Eliza returning a few days later to finish the year, but she didn't return the next year and Remus had often wondered what had happened to her. Anyone else he would have shrugged it off, thinking they had gone into hiding or turned their back on the wizarding world, but Eliza had been so strong, so determined; even in the face of her parents' death.
As the food appeared on his plate, Remus took a long gulp of orange juice.
It was cool and refreshing; just what he needed after a sleepless night.
"Hey," Sirius interrupted as he sat opposite Remus, staking a sausage with his knife.
Remus looked at his classmate momentarily before a small 'hello' issued from his mouth. Sirius was trying to act normally, after last night Remus guessed why, but he really wasn't in the mood for niceties.
The tired boy ate his breakfast slowly, hoping it would imbue him with the energy he lacked. Sirius chatted opposite him. He wasn't his usually animated self but it was a big difference to how they had been acting towards each other over the last few months.
Once Remus was finished he made his way to the library, hoping to get some serious study done. He found a table at the back of the vaulted room and settled in.
Arithmancy first, then Transfiguration and Potions.
Remus pulled his books out, taking more from the shelves, and began taking notes and transcribing important number charts. He didn't look up until he heard the opposite chair scrape noisily against the floor.
"Hey," Sirius whispered in greeting as he sat down, taking out his own book and began to mimic Remus's action.
Remus watched him for a moment. Sirius was not the kind of student that actually studied. In fact, he seemed to do amazingly well in all his classes despite using his textbooks for playing hangman with James.
"What are you doing?" Remus asked curiously, his arms crossed over his chest.
"Studying," Sirius replied in a matter of fact tone. Remus raised a dubious eyebrow. "NEWT's are in a few weeks, Remus. You don't have a monopoly on revision." Sirius smiled cheekily before turning back to his book.
Remus regarded him for a moment longer, but then followed suit. It wasn't easy to concentrate. Even though it was still only spring, the library was stifling and the smell of the books just added to Remus's tiredness. It didn't help that every movement Sirius made seemed to be aimed in some way at getting him closer to Remus.
Does he really think he is being subtle, Remus thought when Sirius absentmindedly ran his thumb across his own lower lip? It was so obvious. What was that expression his mother had always used?
Civil distance; everlasting friendship.
Well this was not civil distance, and Sirius was definitely hoping for something more then friendship.
***
Remus shook his head again as the throbbing tiredness dug its claws into his temples. All the way to the Great Hall he'd felt like he had been walking through glue. His feet were heavy and his eyes stung with the tiredness.
"Are you okay?" Sirius asked from his now perpetual position opposite Remus.
"Yeah," Remus answered groggily, trying to get the spoon of soup to his mouth, "I didn't sleep much last night."
"But this morning you said you'd slept fine," Sirius pointed out, the concern etched on his face as he lowered his cold lamb and beetroot sandwich.
Remus would have kicked himself for forgetting his past lie if he'd had the energy. Instead he shrugged his shoulders. "It's fine. I'll make up for it tonight."
Sirius frowned but Remus chose to ignore it.
"I think I'm going to take a nap," Remus said finally, standing up from the table.
***
When Remus finally bundled through the portrait hole, Sirius was right behind him. When he walked up the staircase to his dorm, Sirius was a few steps after.
Remus felt pure annoyance rise in him from this constant shadowing. He turned and glared at Sirius standing below him.
"What are you going to do, Sirius?" Remus demanded, "Follow me into bed, as well!"
Sirius stared at Remus for a moment.
"No, I just-" the older boy did some quick thinking, "I'm going to get my broom. A bit of practice would be good."
Remus would have argued with him – he wanted to argue with him – but it just wasn't worth the effort.
"Fine!" Remus said, stomping off into his bed.
***
When Remus woke, it was twilight. His curtains were slightly opened and he could feel a warm body next to him.
"What are you doing, Sirius?" Remus asked in a sleepy irritation, turning his head to meet Sirius's eyes behind him.
"You were having a nightmare," Sirius answered, pulling his hand away from Remus's waist.
Remus was about to disagree when flashes came back to him.
Anger. Claws. Fear. Flesh. Blood!
"I–" Remus choked, "I have them all the time." He was trying to sound off hand but the shivering in his body betrayed his emotions.
Sirius wiped the sweat from Remus's brow with the sleeve of his t-shirt. "I know," Sirius replied. He took longer with the gesture than was needed.
"I – I'm fine." Remus said, pulling the covers to himself. "Go back to bed."
Sirius didn't move. His face just became even more worried as he looked down on Remus. "Do you want me to stay?"
Remus tried to block out the warmth of Sirius next to him; the smell of his body and the upset in his eyes. "I – I think it'd be better for you to go."
Again Sirius didn't move. Remus looked up at him. He was so close, so painfully close.
"Then don't think," Sirius told his friend. He put his arm around Remus's waist and pulled him closer.
Remus could feel his back press into Sirius's stomach. He could feel the warm breath of Sirius against his shoulder. It was not about sex or fighting or trying to be angry at someone who had hurt you. It was just about being together. So he hadn't fought it. And he didn't fight it, when the next night, he woke to find Sirius in his bed again, or the next, or the next. When the Full moon came Remus woke, unharmed, cradled in Sirius's arms.
And so they continued. During the day, Sirius would haunt Remus's movement, often sending the werewolf into fits of anger leading to all out screaming matches. And at night, Remus would wake in those arms again.
He got so used to it that he almost dreaded the end of the holidays, but they came anyway.
It would be their last night alone together. Remus felt the involuntary shake of his right hand. It did that sometimes, usually when he was upset or overly anxious, and he wouldn't even notice it until he looked down and saw it dancing away. Like some alien puppet had been attached to his arm.
He shoved his hand under the pillow, willing himself to relax. Soon he heard movement as Sirius returned from the bathroom. It was strange, Remus thought as Sirius walked in door, it was well known that Sirius usually slept in nothing but his own skin, but all during the Easter holidays he had worn boxers and a t-shirt in bed. Of course he had spent most nights in Remus's bed so maybe Sirius Black was trying to be considerate.
Remus laughed at the thought, earning him a confused look from his dorm mate.
"What's so funny?" Sirius asked, his face frowning.
Remus shook his head. He really wasn't ready to share those thoughts with Sirius just yet.
Remus watched as Sirius padded over to the nightstand and poured a tall glass of water from the glass water jug. It had been silver in their first year but that had been thoughtfully replaced by some all-too-intelligent house elf.
Sirius smacked his lips together as he finished the glass and wiped his mouth along the back of his arm.
God, how could this man be so infuriating and so... Sirius, at the same time.
Remus watched as Sirius made his way back to his own bed. He was pulling back the covers. He was about to get in.
This was their last night together. Their last night!
"You can–" Remus started, but he lost all words when Sirius's eyes lifted to meet his own. They stared at each other. Remus's chest was acting erratically. His heart was thumping so hard he thought it would break out of his body and scurry away.
Sirius swallowed nervously, understanding the severed words all too well. Slowly, he replaced his covers. Standing up again, Remus noticed Sirius seemed to be unsteady on his feet. They were carrying him, but his toes curled against the floor, as if it burned them. It took him an eternity to reach Remus's bed.
Remus knew it wasn't just his hand now. His whole body was shaking, and he wasn't sure why.
Sirius stood over his bed, looking for all intents and purposes like he was expecting the ground to swallow him.
Somehow Remus managed to get his body to work, and his left hand reached across and pulled the covers back on the opposite side of the bed.
Sirius looked down at Remus, still asking permission. It was granted without words, and Sirius lowered himself gently into the bed and underneath raging red cover.
The two boys looked at each other, searching for something to explain how they were meant to be feeling, what they were meant to do.
Remus was the first one to reach out. His fingertips burned as his left hand nervously traced a line from Sirius's forehead, down his cheek, to his jaw. Sirius's resolve was crumbling under the touch, and his face fell in on itself.
Remus tried to soothe him. He knew how important this was, what it meant. His own emotions had been in tatters for months; wanting his friend, needing him, but not knowing if he could ever trust him again.
"I'm sorry," Sirius said in an almost incoherent gasp.
"Shhhh," Remus hushed, "it's okay."
Sirius shook his head despite Remus consolation, "I'm sorry, Remus. I'm so sorry." The words continued, becoming unrecognisable from small murmurs as Remus pulled Sirius towards him and allowed the tears to spill over his body.
Sirius clung to him desperately, his body shaking as the fear ran out of him in a never ending river of salty dampness. "I thought I'd lost you, Remus. I could feel how betrayed you were," Remus flinched as he thought about the Facio pendant, "and I thought – I thought I'd never–" Sirius pulled Remus closer, not needing to explain how he felt anymore, just needing to be held.
"It's okay," Remus eased. Arms wrapped around each other; legs tangled. Remus held his friend for a long time; long enough for all the tears to fall out of Sirius; long enough for his breath to become regular again. Soon his clinging wasn't desperate anymore, but he still held Remus close, running his hand up and down Remus's back.
"I'm sorry," Sirius said, looking down at Remus's shoulder, "your top is soaked."
"It's okay," Remus grinned, "I've got another one." He half smiled at the joke and Sirius looked up at him. His blue eyes were so pensive. They seemed darker then Remus remembered and it took him a moment to remember to breathe.
"Can I–" Sirius began, moving his head a little closer to Remus's. Again, the answer was given without words.
Remus could feel Sirius's breath mixing with his own. Mint Muggle toothpaste mixed with Dr. Dent's All Refreshing Mouth Wash. Remus couldn't take his eyes off Sirius's lips. They were moving so slowly it was like they were afraid the world would end when they kissed.
Remus felt the barest touch of Sirius's lips next to his and he took a sharp intake of breath. He could feel the little hairs on Sirius top lip standing on end. Slowly, as their lips ghosted over each other Remus began to feel his head become dizzy. He didn't know whether it was from being so close to Sirius or because his breathing was so erratic.
Finally their lips met, but they did not push hungrily into each other. Sirius moved his lips over Remus's, barely tingling each others senses, but causing explosions of sighs and gasps. When Remus pushed forward, Sirius would pull back and vice-versa. They weren't kissing. It was something... something different. Something Remus had never experienced before.
When he felt the warm wetness of Sirius's tongue glide over his top lip, Remus let out a long groan.
Strong hands travelled under Remus's light t-shirt and gripped the flesh on his back into a needy grasp. Remus arched at the touch, his body needing this release.
He was soon straddling Sirius. In a second, his top was thrown across the room and Remus pushed his torso onto his lover's. His nails clawed at the fabric of Sirius's vest, the material ripped easily, exposing flesh cooled by the night air.
Remus ran a wet thumb over Sirius's nipple, forcing his mouth on Sirius's when the other boy groaned in pleasure.
Hands were on his back again; kneading the tired flesh, encouraging the wanton behaviour. Remus could feel Sirius harden against his thigh. He could feel the need seeping through from the other boy's body. The smell of desire was consuming his senses.
He broke away from Sirius's lips and began a trail down the shoulders and chest of his friend. Licking, sucking and biting at the tanned flesh. Desire spiking his body every time a gasp was released from Sirius's lips.
Remus pulled himself back up to look in Sirius's eyes.
"Do you want me to...?" Remus trailed off, a predatory grin playing on his lips. He was teasing Sirius, not making him beg but making him want it... really want it.
Sirius's pupils dilated even further and a moment later his hands were in Remus's hair, pulling him into a passionate kiss.
Could it be this easy, Remus thought, making Sirius want him seemed to be enough to send Remus's body into raging orgasm. Sirius's hands travelled down Remus's back, pulling him closer as they swelled against each other.
Long fingers stretched over tanned skin as strong hand grasped at Remus's shoulder and up his neck.
Remus felt a dangerous spasm shoot through his body. He went rigid and jerked away from Sirius. His neck felt like fire from the touch.
"I told you," Remus spat, "Don't touch my-"
"I didn't think," Sirius explained, his breath shallow and grasping as he desperately moved back to kiss Remus.
Warm lips. Wet tongue. Hot mouth. It sent Remus's senses into overdrive.
Oh God, he needed this. He needed Sirius. He needed the closeness; the strength; the hope.
A strong hand tripped across Remus's neck again and his bestial instincts kicked in.
With a force no one would ever assign to the young man, Sirius was wrenched from the bed and heaved across the room. His back crashed against the cold stone wall and before his body had a chance to crumble to the ground, the damp feel of human incisors clamped onto his neck.
Remus's eyes flashed dangerous anger at his victim; animal territorialism sparking a primal trigger in his body.
He could feel Sirius's pulse beating between his jaws. The jugular fiercely pumping away as teeth bore down upon it. Pain as Sirius's finger dug into his shoulders, desperately trying to push Remus away. The taste of copper was slowly seeping into his mouth and mixing with his saliva.
Remus could feel all of this, but it didn't matter. It faded into the back of the schoolboy's mind.
The wolf had been challenged. Having already been denied one victim; he was not going to lose another.
***