Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Ouch. That's like hammering a
nail through my foot. -_-...
A/N: Hey, all you wonderful readers out there!! Here is Ch. 3- yeah, im really, really sorry it took so long for me to post this, butI just took PSATs and ive had so many tests and papers...plus I'm taking Japanese classes, which are awesome, but there is so much stuff to memorize! It's insane!! Also, I didn't get that many reviews for Chapter 2...ahem. Aanyway, this might be kinda different from the other Chapters. I'm trying to do a little more romance, a little less angst. Of course, I don't exactly know how it's going to turn out...but I am going to hold off on the dreams and flashbacks for a little while. Otherwise it gets repetitive...so, all you absolute and total angst fans out there, please don't run away!! Its not waffy or anything!! Oh, yeah...please review! Even mild flames and criticism!! Tell me if you like this!! Ahem. Please.
Also, be careful and pay attention when reading. POVs change a lot without warning, since I know all you intelligent people will understand it if you put your minds to it...
Lastly, thanks to Crystal Renee and KenshinKaoru4ever for reviewing Ch. 2. I'm so glad you guys liked it ^_^ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 3: Of the Past
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I forgave her, even though...'
"I...will...I will...protect you."
"Ashiteru...anata..."
Fireflies.
"Sayonara, and thank you for everything."
'I will not lose her as well.'
Falling...
"Live on, Kenshin..."
"Our fates have already been decided...live, Shinta, you must live!"
"Kaoru!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kaoru was sitting on the edge of her futon, head in hands a she reflected on the events of the past few days. Kenshin was troubled by his past. She knew that, and had accepted it from the beginning...but now...now he seemed to be plagued by nightmares, his past not only haunting his dreams, but overwhelming his happy memories. The person he was...he seemed so different now...like he did not care about anything anymore. And yet...he still wanted to protect her, and to live. And why wouldn't he tell her anything? She knew about Tomoe...he had told her after Enishi...but...why did he feel he had to suffer alone, no one to talk to, no one...
'He doesn't love you, Kaoru.' She silently told herself. 'He is still in love with Tomoe. You have never told him how you felt, never...because...because you didn't want to be first, you didn't want to think about being rejected. And so...'
"I wish it was true. I wish Megumi was right. I...wish..."
She stood up and looked in her mirror.
"Do you, Kenshin? Do you....love..."
Kaoru was cut off as she heard someone yell her name. She gasped.
"Kenshin!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Because love is the worst pain and insanity is the best painkiller. Because for some...Believing means lying to yourself.
Kenshin sat up, dark purple eyes wide, his face white. 'I dreamed it all. I am here, and I did not kill anyone since...'
He dropped his head onto his knees, wrapping his arms around them. Unable to finish the thought, he tried not to think anything. Tried to make his mind go blank...
"Kenshin?" came Kaoru's voice, worried and...sad.
'I am fine, Kaaoru-dono. I am...fine.'
"Kenshin..." she said with a sigh.
"I know something's not right. Please...can't you tell me? I...why won't you say anything?"
Kenshin looked at the closed door.
'Please. I ...need to be alone right now.'
"Why did you call out my name? What's wrong?" she sounded...he wasn't sure.
'I...that's right. I...thought I killed her. I guess...I should try to tell her at least.'
'Yes, Kaoru-dono, I will try to tell you what's wrong. Gomen nasai.' All this he tried to say, wanted to say. But couldn't. Because he was selfish. Because he was unworthy. Because he didn't want to tell her that he thought she was dead. That he had killed her himself. That...
He raised his head when he heard the shoji slide open.
"Kenshin..." He could see her face in the dark. She looked worried about him, worried that something was wrong. And there was something else...
'Could....she really be that worried...about...me? I...don't think I can explain. Ashe knows about my past...a little. She knows the facts. But how could she ever understand the emotion...the...and...yet she still wants me to be happy, she still wants to know more about...what happened. She has no bitter feelings, no...she...'
His thought processes were abruptly cut off as she knelt down beside him, putting a hand on his arm.
"Kenshin."
He couldn't look at her. He refused to. He would refuse to acknowledge her presence. He was too guilty, too filled with demons.
'Demons.'
Because it was not...
'What is the difference...between memories and dreams...between life and death...between love...and hate...? If the pain of living...breaks the blissful insanity...will I become blind...and see what was always there?
If your thoughts...and your words...are two different things...and at the same time...that you see THEM bleed...your own blood stains your hands. Are you too lost to be pulled from the abyss? Are you too far gone...to come back? If what THEY say is true...and your past is your future...then won't history repeat itself?
And if a hell-bound hitokiri falls in love...if a legendary manslayer can cry...then who says the world isn't upside-down? And in case the world survives...THEY always have a back-up plan. Because you tell the demons to shut up and they get louder.
And you see your blood, you see the bodies. When you scream for mercy...they keep laughing. Because when there is a hiatus...a lapse...and for just a moment you are sane...it hurts.
Better to be invisible, better not to know. But you know, and you...and YOU. YOU have no idea how much it hurts...when someone loves you...the way you are...and you hate them and you hate yourself...but you know you want to love them back.
YOU. YOU want to share my pain...no. You can't. Because I...am too selfish. Because...when your pain is your bliss, you hold onto it, selfishly holding all you lies, all your faults, because if they were not there...you would not know who you are.'
'ARE YOU AFRAID? YOU HAVE KILLED. SO WHAT? DOES SHE HAVE ANY RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT I FEEL? AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL REGRET? I DID WHAT I HAD TO.'
(A/N: Sorry if it's really dark..hehe...also, hope you caught the switches from 'you' as an example [Kenshin referring to himself indirectly] and 'YOU' as Kaoru...)
And suddenly...he hated her. He hated her for waiting so patiently; looking at him with tears in her eyes, her hand on his arm. And what was she waiting for? What answer did she want to hear? And he hated himself. He hated his words, his actions. He hated his demons, he hated his memories. He hated himself for hating her. He hated himself for feeling so evil that he would hate her pureness, her kindness. He hated her. He hated himself. He...
'Am I this far gone? That the very person I wished to protect, the very person that I...am in love with...am I so insane that I can hate her as well?'
"Kenshin. Please. At least look at me."
Her voice. Almost enough to bring him back. But not quite. He turned his head towards her. Expressionless. Empty. And...
'His eyes! They....he is...'
"Kenshin!"
Tears filled her eyes as she looked at him standing over her. He was not the Kenshin she knew. He was the battousai. And....
"Are you going to kill me?" Tears streamed down her face, but her voice was steady. She had to bring him back.
He looked at her face. Looked at the sword in his hand. The sharp side pressing against her throat.
And his eyes turned violet as he gasped. Not looking at her, he let his bangs cover his eyes as the sword slid from his grasp, falling to the floor.
"I...think you should leave. Kaoru-dono. I am sorry. I...will be leaving tomorrow, so please do not worry. I will not hurt you."
He turned around, hearing her stand and expecting her to leave. Instead... He felt her hand on his shoulder. She had not left. Turning around, he looked at her. Her head was bowed and she was not looking at him.
"Kenshin. Please do not leave. I...please don't."
He put his hand under her chin, making her look at him.
"I will leave. I am sorry, Kaoru..."
Her sapphire eyes widened as she heard her name.
'He did not say an honorific. He...'
"...dono."
"Kenshin. Please. Why must you leave? I...want you to stay...because..."
He looked at her as she struggled to say something.
"Kaoru-dono, I do not want to hurt you. If I become battousai again, I...I might."
"I don't care!" The tears began to spill over again.
Kenshin's eyes were a dull violet. He didn't want to leave. But he could not tell her why, that...
'I love you.'
But instead, his mouth opened and he asked a question.
'Why?"
"Because I...."
She turned around, and put her hand on the doorframe.
Walked out.
Stopped.
"Because I love you."
Walked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK, so now I'm just portraying Kenshin as on the verge of insanity. And I forgot the romance. Well, character torture is my specialty...hehe. No, Kenshin is not really insane. He's just insanely confused, and in tons of emotional pain. (Can you tell I've been reading my friend's books for psychology class? Hehe...) So, you thought that Kenshin would be the first to say it, eh? Well, hey, what can I say, I'm a crazy authoress. Yes, and I am sorry this chapter might not be as good as the rest. I am running out of inspiration fast. The last two chapters I wrote right after watching "Reflections" and eating tons of chocolate ice cream. But now my DVD player is broken! Argh! *kicks it across the room* So, if any of you want another, better chapter (longer, maybe, too) please, please review!! Also, I need feedback here. Should Kenshin turn battousai again?! And what which character should I add next, Yahiko or someone else? Please REVIEW!!! Chocolate ice cream to all those who review!! *brandishes carton*
REVIEW PLEASE!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: Hey, all you wonderful readers out there!! Here is Ch. 3- yeah, im really, really sorry it took so long for me to post this, butI just took PSATs and ive had so many tests and papers...plus I'm taking Japanese classes, which are awesome, but there is so much stuff to memorize! It's insane!! Also, I didn't get that many reviews for Chapter 2...ahem. Aanyway, this might be kinda different from the other Chapters. I'm trying to do a little more romance, a little less angst. Of course, I don't exactly know how it's going to turn out...but I am going to hold off on the dreams and flashbacks for a little while. Otherwise it gets repetitive...so, all you absolute and total angst fans out there, please don't run away!! Its not waffy or anything!! Oh, yeah...please review! Even mild flames and criticism!! Tell me if you like this!! Ahem. Please.
Also, be careful and pay attention when reading. POVs change a lot without warning, since I know all you intelligent people will understand it if you put your minds to it...
Lastly, thanks to Crystal Renee and KenshinKaoru4ever for reviewing Ch. 2. I'm so glad you guys liked it ^_^ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 3: Of the Past
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I forgave her, even though...'
"I...will...I will...protect you."
"Ashiteru...anata..."
Fireflies.
"Sayonara, and thank you for everything."
'I will not lose her as well.'
Falling...
"Live on, Kenshin..."
"Our fates have already been decided...live, Shinta, you must live!"
"Kaoru!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kaoru was sitting on the edge of her futon, head in hands a she reflected on the events of the past few days. Kenshin was troubled by his past. She knew that, and had accepted it from the beginning...but now...now he seemed to be plagued by nightmares, his past not only haunting his dreams, but overwhelming his happy memories. The person he was...he seemed so different now...like he did not care about anything anymore. And yet...he still wanted to protect her, and to live. And why wouldn't he tell her anything? She knew about Tomoe...he had told her after Enishi...but...why did he feel he had to suffer alone, no one to talk to, no one...
'He doesn't love you, Kaoru.' She silently told herself. 'He is still in love with Tomoe. You have never told him how you felt, never...because...because you didn't want to be first, you didn't want to think about being rejected. And so...'
"I wish it was true. I wish Megumi was right. I...wish..."
She stood up and looked in her mirror.
"Do you, Kenshin? Do you....love..."
Kaoru was cut off as she heard someone yell her name. She gasped.
"Kenshin!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Because love is the worst pain and insanity is the best painkiller. Because for some...Believing means lying to yourself.
Kenshin sat up, dark purple eyes wide, his face white. 'I dreamed it all. I am here, and I did not kill anyone since...'
He dropped his head onto his knees, wrapping his arms around them. Unable to finish the thought, he tried not to think anything. Tried to make his mind go blank...
"Kenshin?" came Kaoru's voice, worried and...sad.
'I am fine, Kaaoru-dono. I am...fine.'
"Kenshin..." she said with a sigh.
"I know something's not right. Please...can't you tell me? I...why won't you say anything?"
Kenshin looked at the closed door.
'Please. I ...need to be alone right now.'
"Why did you call out my name? What's wrong?" she sounded...he wasn't sure.
'I...that's right. I...thought I killed her. I guess...I should try to tell her at least.'
'Yes, Kaoru-dono, I will try to tell you what's wrong. Gomen nasai.' All this he tried to say, wanted to say. But couldn't. Because he was selfish. Because he was unworthy. Because he didn't want to tell her that he thought she was dead. That he had killed her himself. That...
He raised his head when he heard the shoji slide open.
"Kenshin..." He could see her face in the dark. She looked worried about him, worried that something was wrong. And there was something else...
'Could....she really be that worried...about...me? I...don't think I can explain. Ashe knows about my past...a little. She knows the facts. But how could she ever understand the emotion...the...and...yet she still wants me to be happy, she still wants to know more about...what happened. She has no bitter feelings, no...she...'
His thought processes were abruptly cut off as she knelt down beside him, putting a hand on his arm.
"Kenshin."
He couldn't look at her. He refused to. He would refuse to acknowledge her presence. He was too guilty, too filled with demons.
'Demons.'
Because it was not...
'What is the difference...between memories and dreams...between life and death...between love...and hate...? If the pain of living...breaks the blissful insanity...will I become blind...and see what was always there?
If your thoughts...and your words...are two different things...and at the same time...that you see THEM bleed...your own blood stains your hands. Are you too lost to be pulled from the abyss? Are you too far gone...to come back? If what THEY say is true...and your past is your future...then won't history repeat itself?
And if a hell-bound hitokiri falls in love...if a legendary manslayer can cry...then who says the world isn't upside-down? And in case the world survives...THEY always have a back-up plan. Because you tell the demons to shut up and they get louder.
And you see your blood, you see the bodies. When you scream for mercy...they keep laughing. Because when there is a hiatus...a lapse...and for just a moment you are sane...it hurts.
Better to be invisible, better not to know. But you know, and you...and YOU. YOU have no idea how much it hurts...when someone loves you...the way you are...and you hate them and you hate yourself...but you know you want to love them back.
YOU. YOU want to share my pain...no. You can't. Because I...am too selfish. Because...when your pain is your bliss, you hold onto it, selfishly holding all you lies, all your faults, because if they were not there...you would not know who you are.'
'ARE YOU AFRAID? YOU HAVE KILLED. SO WHAT? DOES SHE HAVE ANY RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT I FEEL? AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL REGRET? I DID WHAT I HAD TO.'
(A/N: Sorry if it's really dark..hehe...also, hope you caught the switches from 'you' as an example [Kenshin referring to himself indirectly] and 'YOU' as Kaoru...)
And suddenly...he hated her. He hated her for waiting so patiently; looking at him with tears in her eyes, her hand on his arm. And what was she waiting for? What answer did she want to hear? And he hated himself. He hated his words, his actions. He hated his demons, he hated his memories. He hated himself for hating her. He hated himself for feeling so evil that he would hate her pureness, her kindness. He hated her. He hated himself. He...
'Am I this far gone? That the very person I wished to protect, the very person that I...am in love with...am I so insane that I can hate her as well?'
"Kenshin. Please. At least look at me."
Her voice. Almost enough to bring him back. But not quite. He turned his head towards her. Expressionless. Empty. And...
'His eyes! They....he is...'
"Kenshin!"
Tears filled her eyes as she looked at him standing over her. He was not the Kenshin she knew. He was the battousai. And....
"Are you going to kill me?" Tears streamed down her face, but her voice was steady. She had to bring him back.
He looked at her face. Looked at the sword in his hand. The sharp side pressing against her throat.
And his eyes turned violet as he gasped. Not looking at her, he let his bangs cover his eyes as the sword slid from his grasp, falling to the floor.
"I...think you should leave. Kaoru-dono. I am sorry. I...will be leaving tomorrow, so please do not worry. I will not hurt you."
He turned around, hearing her stand and expecting her to leave. Instead... He felt her hand on his shoulder. She had not left. Turning around, he looked at her. Her head was bowed and she was not looking at him.
"Kenshin. Please do not leave. I...please don't."
He put his hand under her chin, making her look at him.
"I will leave. I am sorry, Kaoru..."
Her sapphire eyes widened as she heard her name.
'He did not say an honorific. He...'
"...dono."
"Kenshin. Please. Why must you leave? I...want you to stay...because..."
He looked at her as she struggled to say something.
"Kaoru-dono, I do not want to hurt you. If I become battousai again, I...I might."
"I don't care!" The tears began to spill over again.
Kenshin's eyes were a dull violet. He didn't want to leave. But he could not tell her why, that...
'I love you.'
But instead, his mouth opened and he asked a question.
'Why?"
"Because I...."
She turned around, and put her hand on the doorframe.
Walked out.
Stopped.
"Because I love you."
Walked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK, so now I'm just portraying Kenshin as on the verge of insanity. And I forgot the romance. Well, character torture is my specialty...hehe. No, Kenshin is not really insane. He's just insanely confused, and in tons of emotional pain. (Can you tell I've been reading my friend's books for psychology class? Hehe...) So, you thought that Kenshin would be the first to say it, eh? Well, hey, what can I say, I'm a crazy authoress. Yes, and I am sorry this chapter might not be as good as the rest. I am running out of inspiration fast. The last two chapters I wrote right after watching "Reflections" and eating tons of chocolate ice cream. But now my DVD player is broken! Argh! *kicks it across the room* So, if any of you want another, better chapter (longer, maybe, too) please, please review!! Also, I need feedback here. Should Kenshin turn battousai again?! And what which character should I add next, Yahiko or someone else? Please REVIEW!!! Chocolate ice cream to all those who review!! *brandishes carton*
REVIEW PLEASE!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~