A/N: Hey, minna-san, as you can see I finally got around to updating the
story...I think I must have written five drafts of this story before I
decided it was good enough to post. *shrugs* dunno.......i guess I'm sorta
a perfectionist...so hey, please R+R this chapter, and to those who do
review, I will be giving away wonderful imaginary Sanosuke plushies! ^_^
...since so many people are allergic to imaginary chocolate ice
cream...hehe...^_^ ok, so here's chappie 4!
Oh, yes, and thankyou to all my wonderful and faithful reviewer. I love you guys! ^_^
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Chapter 4: A Separate Reality
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yahiko sat on the dojo roof, head tilted back to look at the sky. It was late-midnight, he guessed-, but he really didn't care. He was still trying to figure things out. It had been almost a year now since Kenshin had fought Makoto Shishio...since he told Yahiko...that no one was exactly wrong in that fight. That he and Shishio were both fighting for what they wanted, what they believed was right. How Kenshin knew that according to his own code of honor and ethics, what Shishio was doing was wrong; but that Shishio believed the same thing about Kenshin...
Yahiko shook his head, eyes closed. Why couldn't he understand? Sure, he understood that Kenshin was right...but...what if he really wasn't? Of course Shishio's ideas were wrong and insanely twisted, but...but what if neither of them were correct?
"Kenshin was a legendary manslayer..." Yahiko said quietly to himself.
"I know I'm still only a little kid, but I know that it is wrong to kill. And...and Kenshin never actually lets on that what he did...might be affecting him in some way! He says that he does good deeds to 'atone for his sins'...but...is that really the reason? How do we know that he actually regrets killing people?"
Yahiko wasn't sure what to think. He knew that he looked up to Kenshin. He knew that Kenshin seemed...nice enough. He had also observed that he was happy here at the dojo. Yahiko's mind recalled a particular rainy day, over a year ago. It was a little while before Kenshin left for Kyoto...
'Kenshin is also in love with busu...'
"It's so obvious! But..."
He sighed. He just didn't know what to think anymore.
'Maybe...I'll talk to Sanosuke. But for now...I guess it couldn't hurt to think a little longer.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sanosuke Sagara was slumped against a wall, half-conscious after having dosed himself with many servings too many of sake. It was strange, this drinking in order to be immune to all feelings. Sure, he always drank too much, but never because he longed to feel numb, longed to lose the pain. He closed his eyes, relishing the shroud of haze that enveloped his mind. But at the same time knowing it wouldn't last and that eventually, everything would be the same, if not worse.
'Why the hell did I do this? Who am I kidding? I might as well just tell the kitsune so she can reject me and I can go on living my sorry little life somewhere else. But...why does this even make a difference to me? I mean...'
'I can't think. I don't think I even know what the hell I'm doing right now. Maybe I'll just leave for a while, figure out what I'm gonna do with my life. First I've gotta say goodbye to the kitsune, get it all over with.'
And in his drunken stupor, he had forgotten the whole reason he was drunk in the first place. Forgotten how he had seen the hate in her eyes, forgotten how she had harshly brushed him off. Forgotten the weight of the pain. And so, in his own clouded mind, he didn't care. And didn't want to know.
And so forgot as unconsciousness took over his limp body, a brief time to forget his unwanted love.
Forgot, and didn't care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dreams...faces...blood...
So.
Familiar.
Kenshin sat up, gasping.
'The dreams..'
Remembered. "Kaoru! Did I...no. I...I couldn't have. But...I...I did."
Kenshin dropped his head into his hands, bangs falling forward. In the darkness, they looked as if they had been soaked in blood. He had not left his room since he had almost...killed her.
'I really almost killed her, didn't I? But she told me...'
He lifted his head to stare at the ceiling.
'Kaoru. You love me. Even after that, you still love me.'
"Why?" It was a softly whispered question, spoken as though the answer was the very spark that kept him alive, all the hope in the world, yet still with sadness, confusion that the answer would not be good enough. A knowledge that he would never...
'I will never understand. Even If she tells me, I will never understand. Will never be worthy. I am...I am a horror. A killer. A cursed man. Why? My soul...bound for hell. But she...'
Kenshin stood, looking at the closed shoji.
"I...need to.......think. I...I need to...do laundry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kenshin looked at the starry sky as he scrubbed at a stain in an article of clothing. It was inky black with a thousand points of light twinkling gently. It was also late. Far past midnight. But he didn't care. He couldn't sleep with the faces. And the blood. Even if he was tired, torn.
'And...scared.' It was hard to admit. He was scared.
'But...what do you do if you cannot stay where you are because you will destroy others, but you cannot leave because you will hurt them just as bad? What do I do....'
Finished washing the laundry, he began to hang it up to dry.
'The battousai.'
The thought was sudden, a sharp jolt back to the reality of what had happened not too many hours before.
He sat down on the cold ground next to the empty washtub, looking at his hands.
'They have killed...' 'MANY PEOPLE.'
'They have taken the lives...'
'OF HUMANS.'
'They have felt...'
'BLOOD.'
White plum.
You kill all night and still bring home a woman!
We checked all the whorehouses. No-one has been there that matched her description.
I am sorry. I was drunk.
No. I want to watch you do your work.
I am sorry, dearest.
Blood.
Blood
On
My
Hands.
His hands. They were...
Kenshin stood abruptly, a spatter of blood following him.
Splattering to the ground, dark spots on his gi, on his hands. Running down his face.
From his scar.
He began to run, he had to get the blood off, he had to stop it. It couldn't be real. It had to be a nightmare. Running. From the pain.
He tripped, falling in a heap, blood streaked down his face. His body heaved in ragged breaths as he lay there, the pain returned.
As he cried.
His world was shattered, as he drifted back into a separate reality. For the first time in ten years, he was no longer part on the peaceful world he knew.
And as this was made real, another pair of eyes were filled with pain, an understanding dawning. As a watcher saw what no watcher should have to see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, there you have it. I know this chapter was a little shorter than the last one, but I think it works, right? ^_^ And please don't anyone ask me who the watcher is, if you read carefully and pay attention you will understand. Huh, I added Sanosuke in here, too. I wasn't going to, but for some reason I felt he should have at least a paragraph or two. So...what do you people think? PLEASE Review. Remember the imaginary Sano plushies..hehe....Three reviews gets a new chapter!!
REVIEW!!!
Oh, yes, and thankyou to all my wonderful and faithful reviewer. I love you guys! ^_^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 4: A Separate Reality
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yahiko sat on the dojo roof, head tilted back to look at the sky. It was late-midnight, he guessed-, but he really didn't care. He was still trying to figure things out. It had been almost a year now since Kenshin had fought Makoto Shishio...since he told Yahiko...that no one was exactly wrong in that fight. That he and Shishio were both fighting for what they wanted, what they believed was right. How Kenshin knew that according to his own code of honor and ethics, what Shishio was doing was wrong; but that Shishio believed the same thing about Kenshin...
Yahiko shook his head, eyes closed. Why couldn't he understand? Sure, he understood that Kenshin was right...but...what if he really wasn't? Of course Shishio's ideas were wrong and insanely twisted, but...but what if neither of them were correct?
"Kenshin was a legendary manslayer..." Yahiko said quietly to himself.
"I know I'm still only a little kid, but I know that it is wrong to kill. And...and Kenshin never actually lets on that what he did...might be affecting him in some way! He says that he does good deeds to 'atone for his sins'...but...is that really the reason? How do we know that he actually regrets killing people?"
Yahiko wasn't sure what to think. He knew that he looked up to Kenshin. He knew that Kenshin seemed...nice enough. He had also observed that he was happy here at the dojo. Yahiko's mind recalled a particular rainy day, over a year ago. It was a little while before Kenshin left for Kyoto...
'Kenshin is also in love with busu...'
"It's so obvious! But..."
He sighed. He just didn't know what to think anymore.
'Maybe...I'll talk to Sanosuke. But for now...I guess it couldn't hurt to think a little longer.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sanosuke Sagara was slumped against a wall, half-conscious after having dosed himself with many servings too many of sake. It was strange, this drinking in order to be immune to all feelings. Sure, he always drank too much, but never because he longed to feel numb, longed to lose the pain. He closed his eyes, relishing the shroud of haze that enveloped his mind. But at the same time knowing it wouldn't last and that eventually, everything would be the same, if not worse.
'Why the hell did I do this? Who am I kidding? I might as well just tell the kitsune so she can reject me and I can go on living my sorry little life somewhere else. But...why does this even make a difference to me? I mean...'
'I can't think. I don't think I even know what the hell I'm doing right now. Maybe I'll just leave for a while, figure out what I'm gonna do with my life. First I've gotta say goodbye to the kitsune, get it all over with.'
And in his drunken stupor, he had forgotten the whole reason he was drunk in the first place. Forgotten how he had seen the hate in her eyes, forgotten how she had harshly brushed him off. Forgotten the weight of the pain. And so, in his own clouded mind, he didn't care. And didn't want to know.
And so forgot as unconsciousness took over his limp body, a brief time to forget his unwanted love.
Forgot, and didn't care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dreams...faces...blood...
So.
Familiar.
Kenshin sat up, gasping.
'The dreams..'
Remembered. "Kaoru! Did I...no. I...I couldn't have. But...I...I did."
Kenshin dropped his head into his hands, bangs falling forward. In the darkness, they looked as if they had been soaked in blood. He had not left his room since he had almost...killed her.
'I really almost killed her, didn't I? But she told me...'
He lifted his head to stare at the ceiling.
'Kaoru. You love me. Even after that, you still love me.'
"Why?" It was a softly whispered question, spoken as though the answer was the very spark that kept him alive, all the hope in the world, yet still with sadness, confusion that the answer would not be good enough. A knowledge that he would never...
'I will never understand. Even If she tells me, I will never understand. Will never be worthy. I am...I am a horror. A killer. A cursed man. Why? My soul...bound for hell. But she...'
Kenshin stood, looking at the closed shoji.
"I...need to.......think. I...I need to...do laundry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kenshin looked at the starry sky as he scrubbed at a stain in an article of clothing. It was inky black with a thousand points of light twinkling gently. It was also late. Far past midnight. But he didn't care. He couldn't sleep with the faces. And the blood. Even if he was tired, torn.
'And...scared.' It was hard to admit. He was scared.
'But...what do you do if you cannot stay where you are because you will destroy others, but you cannot leave because you will hurt them just as bad? What do I do....'
Finished washing the laundry, he began to hang it up to dry.
'The battousai.'
The thought was sudden, a sharp jolt back to the reality of what had happened not too many hours before.
He sat down on the cold ground next to the empty washtub, looking at his hands.
'They have killed...' 'MANY PEOPLE.'
'They have taken the lives...'
'OF HUMANS.'
'They have felt...'
'BLOOD.'
White plum.
You kill all night and still bring home a woman!
We checked all the whorehouses. No-one has been there that matched her description.
I am sorry. I was drunk.
No. I want to watch you do your work.
I am sorry, dearest.
Blood.
Blood
On
My
Hands.
His hands. They were...
Kenshin stood abruptly, a spatter of blood following him.
Splattering to the ground, dark spots on his gi, on his hands. Running down his face.
From his scar.
He began to run, he had to get the blood off, he had to stop it. It couldn't be real. It had to be a nightmare. Running. From the pain.
He tripped, falling in a heap, blood streaked down his face. His body heaved in ragged breaths as he lay there, the pain returned.
As he cried.
His world was shattered, as he drifted back into a separate reality. For the first time in ten years, he was no longer part on the peaceful world he knew.
And as this was made real, another pair of eyes were filled with pain, an understanding dawning. As a watcher saw what no watcher should have to see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, there you have it. I know this chapter was a little shorter than the last one, but I think it works, right? ^_^ And please don't anyone ask me who the watcher is, if you read carefully and pay attention you will understand. Huh, I added Sanosuke in here, too. I wasn't going to, but for some reason I felt he should have at least a paragraph or two. So...what do you people think? PLEASE Review. Remember the imaginary Sano plushies..hehe....Three reviews gets a new chapter!!
REVIEW!!!