Chapter 13
The fire is as alive and angry as my thoughts, images of my torment dance within the raging flames. Stealing a glance over the campfire I watch Xena leisurely sharpening her sword. It's as thought the last couple of weeks had not occurred. I find her calmness disturbing and a bit frustrating. Studying the faded bruises on her face I can feel my temper raising. She had been willing to die to stop Hope, but Gabrielle wouldn't allow her to make that sacrifice. While Gabrielle denied her death she has pursued it on her own. Memories of the warrior's actions over the last few days rush at me and suddenly I feel so angry. How, how can she waste her life after the sacrifice Gabrielle made for her?
Finally I can stand it no more. "Xena we need to talk."
"About what?" she asks without looking up from her sword.
"Why did you go to the Amazon's?"
Pausing in mid stroke she does not meet my gaze. "I had to tell them what happened." She answers before resuming the sharpening ritual.
"You could have sent a messenger."
"No, I couldn't. It would have been disrespectful to Gabrielle's memory."
"So letting the Amazon's 'punish' you was an attempt to honor Gabrielle's memory?" I hadn't meant for it to sound so sarcastic.
She gives me a hard look before turning her attention back to the sword. "Yes."
"What about her father?"
"What about him?
"Were you 'honoring' Gabrielle's memory when you let him beat you half to death?"
Again she pauses, but this time she does not look up. "That was different."
"Would you have let him kill you?"
Still she does not look at me. "I won't raise a sword against him."
I can't let it go. "But would you have let him kill you?"
"I owe him a debt I can't repay."
"Are we going to travel all over Greece letting everyone one who 'owes' you, get a chance to try and kill you?"
"You're free to go whenever you want." she snaps, angrily drawing the stone against the sword. "No one is holding you here."
The coldness in her voice hurts. After all we've been through she's just going brush me off? No, I won't back down not this time. "What are you going to do?"
"About what?"
"About Gabrielle."
Finally she looks at me. "What about her?
"How much longer are you going to ignore her death?"
"I'm not ignoring anything."
"Yes, you are. You won't talk about what happened."
"There's nothing to talk about. She's gone and I can't bring her back." Turning back to sword she begins the steady rasping once more.
Even now she is going to ignore it, well no more.
Before I realize what's happened I'm on my feet. In two strides I reach her and yank the sword from her hands. "Enough!" Without thinking I toss the weapon across the camp. "We need to talk!"
With an almost animal like cry she leaps to her feet grasping my throat with both hands. The pressure on my throat forces me to rise to my toes. Still the force threatens to crush my windpipe. Just as darkness starts to overtake me the pressure is gone. I drop to my knees gasping for air. Strong hands massage my back and chest.
"Joxer I...try to relax and breath easy."
I hear her velvet voice say through the haze. Slowly my breathing returns to normal. Rubbing my throat I lean back on my heels to stare at the woman kneeling beside me.
"Xena." I whisper. Meeting her sad eyes I cannot hold their gaze and drop mine to search the ground. "I can't go on like this...I..." A gentle hand touches my shoulder and I look up to find her staring at me with tear filled eyes.
"I know." she says quietly. "I know."
Suddenly the lump in my throat threatens to strangle me, memories and emotions come rushing at me. Unable to fight them any longer I lean forward wrapping my arms around myself as heart wrenching sobs rack my body. An agonizing scream pierces the night air and I realize the voice is my own. Just when I'm certain my heart will break from despair I feel strong arms encircle me. Firmly yet gently they cradle me and I feel myself being rocked slowly as through I were a child. At first there are whispered assures but they slowly fade as Xena finally gives into her own grief. Her grip on me tightens as she allows her own sobs to mingle with mine. We remain there for what seems like an eternity offering each other the comfort we each long for. Cradled in this secure embrace I allow all of the pain to come forth and when the tears are finally spent I drift off to sleep.
------------------
It is daylight when I awake to find myself laying on Xena's bedroll. As I lift the blanket to rise a familiar scent lingers on it. With it comes a flood of memories. I allow the memories to carry me along enjoying their power. The blanket is Gabrielle's Xena has allowed me a chance to enjoy something, which was once my beloved's. It is an act of kindness for which I will be eternally grateful.
"Breakfast is ready."
I return to the land of the living to find Xena smiling at me from across the campfire. There is an easiness about her I have not seen in a long time. Her shoulders seem less slumped and the smile she offers actually reaches her eyes. Though there is a veiled sadness behind the shine.
Rising I join her at the fire and we eat in silence. Once the meal is complete we begin the chore of breaking camp. As the last of her belongings are strapped into place she leaps into the saddle. Climbing upon my own mount I follow her down the path.
-----------------
Midday is approaching as we top a grassy knoll. Xena pulls Argo to a halt and slips from the saddle. Dismounting myself, I move to her side looking for what has captured her attention. Searching the gently rolling, grassy ridges I can see nothing of interest.
"This is where you and I first met." she says staring across the ridge.
She's right this is the plain where I tried to join her 'army'. Slowly a smile tugs at the corners of my mouth at the images of my first encounter with the Warrior Princess and the Bard.
"Seems like the right place to say good bye."
I shake my head certain I've misunderstood her. "good bye?"
"Yes, it's time."
"But, Xena we..."
"It's time." she repeats, turning to face me she smiles warmly. "Go home, Joxer."
"What about you?"
"I'll survive." sadness fills her voice. "I always do."
Unable to walk away I start to protest. "You shouldn't be alone."
"I won't be."
"But, you need... we should..." disparate for something to change her mind, I give voice to the thoughts that have been haunting me. "Gabrielle said we were like family. Family sticks together."
Watching her eyebrow arch with a questioning look I wonder if I've gone too far. Placing a hand on my shoulder she stares deep into my eyes. "Trust me, Joxer, you don't want to be my family. Members of my family don't live very long."
"I'm willing to risk it."
A smile tugs at the corner of her mouth and suddenly she pulls me into a tight hug. Stunned I slowly return the embrace.
"Thank you." I hear her whisper.
"For what?"
"For being there when I needed you."
'I was there for her? How can that be?' Holding her tighter I'm at a loss for words.
After a moment she pulls away and I feel her lips brush my cheek. "Allow yourself time to grieve, Joxer." Then she turns and mounts Argo.
"Where will you go?" I ask.
"Home." she answers looking out over the plains. "I need to give myself some time to think, to heal... to grieve." Turning back to me she pats the leather bag hanging by her leg. "Besides, I've got some reading to do." Then she smiles warmly. "You take care of yourself and try to stay out of trouble...friend." Not waiting for a reply she spurs Argo and they trot off across the plain.
"You too...friend." I whisper to her retreating form. Watching her disappear over the far ridge I know no matter how long she takes to heal she will never be the same warrior princess who met me on this grassy plain so long ago. And I'll never be the same for having known her and an 'irritating little blond' who stole my heart.
The fire is as alive and angry as my thoughts, images of my torment dance within the raging flames. Stealing a glance over the campfire I watch Xena leisurely sharpening her sword. It's as thought the last couple of weeks had not occurred. I find her calmness disturbing and a bit frustrating. Studying the faded bruises on her face I can feel my temper raising. She had been willing to die to stop Hope, but Gabrielle wouldn't allow her to make that sacrifice. While Gabrielle denied her death she has pursued it on her own. Memories of the warrior's actions over the last few days rush at me and suddenly I feel so angry. How, how can she waste her life after the sacrifice Gabrielle made for her?
Finally I can stand it no more. "Xena we need to talk."
"About what?" she asks without looking up from her sword.
"Why did you go to the Amazon's?"
Pausing in mid stroke she does not meet my gaze. "I had to tell them what happened." She answers before resuming the sharpening ritual.
"You could have sent a messenger."
"No, I couldn't. It would have been disrespectful to Gabrielle's memory."
"So letting the Amazon's 'punish' you was an attempt to honor Gabrielle's memory?" I hadn't meant for it to sound so sarcastic.
She gives me a hard look before turning her attention back to the sword. "Yes."
"What about her father?"
"What about him?
"Were you 'honoring' Gabrielle's memory when you let him beat you half to death?"
Again she pauses, but this time she does not look up. "That was different."
"Would you have let him kill you?"
Still she does not look at me. "I won't raise a sword against him."
I can't let it go. "But would you have let him kill you?"
"I owe him a debt I can't repay."
"Are we going to travel all over Greece letting everyone one who 'owes' you, get a chance to try and kill you?"
"You're free to go whenever you want." she snaps, angrily drawing the stone against the sword. "No one is holding you here."
The coldness in her voice hurts. After all we've been through she's just going brush me off? No, I won't back down not this time. "What are you going to do?"
"About what?"
"About Gabrielle."
Finally she looks at me. "What about her?
"How much longer are you going to ignore her death?"
"I'm not ignoring anything."
"Yes, you are. You won't talk about what happened."
"There's nothing to talk about. She's gone and I can't bring her back." Turning back to sword she begins the steady rasping once more.
Even now she is going to ignore it, well no more.
Before I realize what's happened I'm on my feet. In two strides I reach her and yank the sword from her hands. "Enough!" Without thinking I toss the weapon across the camp. "We need to talk!"
With an almost animal like cry she leaps to her feet grasping my throat with both hands. The pressure on my throat forces me to rise to my toes. Still the force threatens to crush my windpipe. Just as darkness starts to overtake me the pressure is gone. I drop to my knees gasping for air. Strong hands massage my back and chest.
"Joxer I...try to relax and breath easy."
I hear her velvet voice say through the haze. Slowly my breathing returns to normal. Rubbing my throat I lean back on my heels to stare at the woman kneeling beside me.
"Xena." I whisper. Meeting her sad eyes I cannot hold their gaze and drop mine to search the ground. "I can't go on like this...I..." A gentle hand touches my shoulder and I look up to find her staring at me with tear filled eyes.
"I know." she says quietly. "I know."
Suddenly the lump in my throat threatens to strangle me, memories and emotions come rushing at me. Unable to fight them any longer I lean forward wrapping my arms around myself as heart wrenching sobs rack my body. An agonizing scream pierces the night air and I realize the voice is my own. Just when I'm certain my heart will break from despair I feel strong arms encircle me. Firmly yet gently they cradle me and I feel myself being rocked slowly as through I were a child. At first there are whispered assures but they slowly fade as Xena finally gives into her own grief. Her grip on me tightens as she allows her own sobs to mingle with mine. We remain there for what seems like an eternity offering each other the comfort we each long for. Cradled in this secure embrace I allow all of the pain to come forth and when the tears are finally spent I drift off to sleep.
------------------
It is daylight when I awake to find myself laying on Xena's bedroll. As I lift the blanket to rise a familiar scent lingers on it. With it comes a flood of memories. I allow the memories to carry me along enjoying their power. The blanket is Gabrielle's Xena has allowed me a chance to enjoy something, which was once my beloved's. It is an act of kindness for which I will be eternally grateful.
"Breakfast is ready."
I return to the land of the living to find Xena smiling at me from across the campfire. There is an easiness about her I have not seen in a long time. Her shoulders seem less slumped and the smile she offers actually reaches her eyes. Though there is a veiled sadness behind the shine.
Rising I join her at the fire and we eat in silence. Once the meal is complete we begin the chore of breaking camp. As the last of her belongings are strapped into place she leaps into the saddle. Climbing upon my own mount I follow her down the path.
-----------------
Midday is approaching as we top a grassy knoll. Xena pulls Argo to a halt and slips from the saddle. Dismounting myself, I move to her side looking for what has captured her attention. Searching the gently rolling, grassy ridges I can see nothing of interest.
"This is where you and I first met." she says staring across the ridge.
She's right this is the plain where I tried to join her 'army'. Slowly a smile tugs at the corners of my mouth at the images of my first encounter with the Warrior Princess and the Bard.
"Seems like the right place to say good bye."
I shake my head certain I've misunderstood her. "good bye?"
"Yes, it's time."
"But, Xena we..."
"It's time." she repeats, turning to face me she smiles warmly. "Go home, Joxer."
"What about you?"
"I'll survive." sadness fills her voice. "I always do."
Unable to walk away I start to protest. "You shouldn't be alone."
"I won't be."
"But, you need... we should..." disparate for something to change her mind, I give voice to the thoughts that have been haunting me. "Gabrielle said we were like family. Family sticks together."
Watching her eyebrow arch with a questioning look I wonder if I've gone too far. Placing a hand on my shoulder she stares deep into my eyes. "Trust me, Joxer, you don't want to be my family. Members of my family don't live very long."
"I'm willing to risk it."
A smile tugs at the corner of her mouth and suddenly she pulls me into a tight hug. Stunned I slowly return the embrace.
"Thank you." I hear her whisper.
"For what?"
"For being there when I needed you."
'I was there for her? How can that be?' Holding her tighter I'm at a loss for words.
After a moment she pulls away and I feel her lips brush my cheek. "Allow yourself time to grieve, Joxer." Then she turns and mounts Argo.
"Where will you go?" I ask.
"Home." she answers looking out over the plains. "I need to give myself some time to think, to heal... to grieve." Turning back to me she pats the leather bag hanging by her leg. "Besides, I've got some reading to do." Then she smiles warmly. "You take care of yourself and try to stay out of trouble...friend." Not waiting for a reply she spurs Argo and they trot off across the plain.
"You too...friend." I whisper to her retreating form. Watching her disappear over the far ridge I know no matter how long she takes to heal she will never be the same warrior princess who met me on this grassy plain so long ago. And I'll never be the same for having known her and an 'irritating little blond' who stole my heart.