Title: To Win His Hand

Summary: The Mary Sues of Mirkwood have banded together to win the Elven Prince's heart. Too bad he's *married* and has a son- the one and only Heir of Isildur. [Parody]

Rating: PG

Category: Parody- you have been warned

Author's Notes: Okay, so I feel guilty writing this when I have so many serious stories to attend to. Let's just say I've been freaking out over exams, and I'm writing this as a break from essay draft # 237. And I'm not exaggerating by much. So I haven't forgotten my other works, they just haven't been receiving the attention they need. Exams are next week, and I have a few days off before second semester. Look for updates then.

And it's a PARODY. The tone is meant to be that of a "serious" fic, in the form of Mary Sue's galore. Please don't make any comments on Elf/Human relations, the lack of Tolkien supported facts, modern references made by characters, and whatever else you may wish to flame me for.

Disclaimer: I wish I didn't own and like this idea, but I do.

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His home of Mirkwood, despite it's name and the growing shadow of Sauron's return, was a happy place filled with beautiful maidens, great halls and no end of flaming idiots who thought that their little spider problem could be fixed without pesticides.

It took much exchanging of gold, a few flashes and a few threats for Gilraen to obtain an audience with Legolas. The deciding factor was her ill-mannered lecture on propriety and hosting customs. It was really more screaming occasionally intersected with discernible words, but it got the point across.

Still, when she first entered the room she had been shown to, there stood five simpering elf maidens. All were stunning to the point of blinding those who look at them. She was introduced to each of them in turn.

Lahydrochloricacidwen held wisdom in her emerald eyes, for despite her young age she had seen much destruction. Mostly by her own hands, when she had been possessed by Sauron. She was the love child of Varda and a really famous hobbit, though she looked the part of an elf.

Mistaharwen was a princess of Fangorn, raised by Treebeard in the image of a proper entwife. She had many political ambitions, and a tendency to practice married life by caressing trees when there were no elf gigolos to work on.

Mahogany Lightfoot, so named for her mahogany hair and gracefulness, had been born into a poor elf family, and raised amongst humans. In a parallel universe, at least for a time. Her foster parents were mean to her, and she ran away many times. They did not know of her mysterious origins or the prophesy that came with her. When the time comes, she will realize pointy ears are not a genetic trait passed from Great Aunt Eunice.

Graceralla Flowering Tree was a rare specimen, for her slender brown body and green hued hair decorated with glittering jewels, was the source of her name. She is the daughter of Mithrandir and an elf who died tragically of some lingering illness. Okay, not quite true. Her mother was mad and in an asylum, but that was a family secret. It would ruin her hopes of marriage for such a tragic secret to come out. Apparently the Bronte sisters had an effect on Middle Earth.

Butch Softatheart was the final woman, though she bedecked herself in man's raiments. Her hair was cut in a boyish shape; she carried a sword on her hip and a full quiver of arrows on her back.

Legolas waved his hand in dismissal, and the women left.

"They contend for my hand in marriage."

Gilraen laughed.

"Then perhaps I have done you a favour, m'lord."

"Perhaps? It is a certainty. For any woman I should grow to love must not be made to please me, but to please herself. She must be true to her values, and to see the necessity of war. But war would not be her first action, for her mind must be shrewd for treaty negotiations and diplomacy.

"Those women- they were born and raised to be the wives a man would want. It is a most unattractive trait. But come, that is of no importance. What duty bears you to this realm?"

"The duty of my own, m'lord. The elves of Mirkwood aim well, and the target has been struck."

A frown creased his brow for a moment, but it was gone as quickly as it had come.

"I see. And this target is true?"

"It is."

"I believe the best course of actions would involve a meeting with your husband, m'lady. He will be most pleased to learn that you shall bear him a child."

Gilraen smiled. There was no malice in his advice, and she knew that the real father of her child would forever be a friend to her little one, would forever look after the heir of Isildur that he would become.

"That he will. That he will."

And that done, Gilraen strode for all purposes from the life of Prince Legolas for many years. Now, to deal with the nuptials many forced upon him…

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Later chapters will feature more Legolas and Mary Sue interaction. Of course, the Aragorn thing will come back to a head eventually.