DISCLAIMER: I am not affiliated with any corner of the Potterverse, including but not limited to J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, or Warner Bros. Also, I am not associated with any of the following movies or television programs, their distributors, creators, or actors: Leave It to Beaver, I Love Lucy, Three's Company, The Andy Griffith Show, Sanford and Son, Shaft, and the Dick Van Dyke Show (but I am an enormous fan of those shows).
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Author's Notes: This surreal mini-screenplay is based on a mish-mash of many stupid and seemingly pointless plotlines of the most popular sitcoms of the 1950's (see the movie "Pleasantville" for further enlightenment). The situations and dialogue are culled from that type of "wholesome entertainment". My outrageous portrayal of Don Knotts is all in fun. The real Don Knotts is NOT that stupid. He's a fine actor, and he's here because he is the ultimate comedic sidekick. It's a tribute, really.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Network Announcer: [montage of pictures of Severus and Hermione, goofy Christmas music plays] Stay tuned for a Very Special Sev and Mione Christmas!
Announcer: The Sev and Mione Show! Featuring Severus Snape. With Hermione Granger Snape. Also starring Don Knotts. [Horrible tacked-on picture of Knotts as Barney Fife.]
Scene I
[Leave It To Beaver theme music plays. SEV walks into door of immaculate 50's style bungalow, his robes blowing in the breeze outside. The house is decorated with gaudy Christmas items. He flops down on a squishy chair.]
SEV: [in a snarky voice] Hermione, I'm home!
[MIONE, dressed in a fluffy dress, pinafore, and the ubiquitous June Cleaver string of pearls, appears from the side, carrying a frosty bottle of butterbeer.]
MIONE: Severus, darling! Have a butterbeer. I was wondering when you'd be home. How was your day?[Music fades]
SEV: I hate working at ELF-Co. (massages temples) Why did I ever leave Hogwarts?
MIONE: Because you hated working there, too.
SEV: I did tell you that Fudge's brother's son is my supervisor? His stupidity is intolerable. (sighs) It must run in the family.
MIONE: Speaking of family, our guests will be arriving shortly!
SEV: (snarls) How many people are coming over this year?
MIONE: (innocently) Oh, about fifteen...
SEV: (irate. Stands up) Fifteen? Is that counting us? (pauses) It's not counting us! Have you gone mad, woman?
MIONE: (cooing) Oh, Sevvie, darling, I didn't think you'd mind. Harry and Lupin have no one to spend Christmas with, the Weasleys are friends, and of course my mother and father...
SEV: Fine. (sighs) Fine. (pauses) What is that noise?
MIONE: I don't hear anything.
SEV: It sounds like...
MIONE: (interrupts) It's nothing! You're trying to change the subject.
SEV: No. Your friends are... (pauses, smirks) my friends. Do we have enough goose?
MIONE: (pinches Snape on the bum) I think we do.
SEV: (grinning) Oh, you...
Scene II
[SEV is in the bedroom, a relic of the Lucy and Ricky era. He's holding up two almost identical black robes, and two pairs of black shoes.]
SEV: I wonder, which is more appropriate for a holiday gathering?
[MIONE's voice carries. She's singing Christmas carols.]
SEV: I think this one looks more...(pause) Festive. [He puts on a robe that looks exactly like his work robes.]
[Cut to kitchen. MIONE stands in front of stove, fanning a gigantic roasted bird. SEV enters room.]
MIONE: You look wonderful. I have to change. Can you look after the goose for me?
SEV: (muttering) Sure. But I'm not answering the door...
MIONE: (running towards bedroom) And get the door!
[SEV continues to baste goose, when a slight knock is heard from the door.]
MIONE: (calling from bedroom) Please, Severus!
SEV: (muttering) Stupid...bloody...(opens door, fake enthusiasm) Hi! Welcome. (snarls)
[Standing on the steps is ARTHUR and MOLLY Weasley. ARTHUR is dressed in a dark green robe with flashing lights around the collar. MOLLY is wearing one of her hand knitted monstrosities.]
MOLLY: Hello, Snape! Happy Christmas to you!
ARTHUR: We're so happy to be here.
SEV: (growling) So....are.....we. [closes door]
MOLLY: Are we the first ones here?
SEV: Yes.
ARTHUR: Goodie! I love spending time with Muggles...do you know when the Grangers are coming?
SEV: No.
MOLLY: I hope everyone gets here soon!
[Scene change. RON is in a dark place, dirt smears all over his face, his hands filled with tiny presents.]
RON: (coughs) I cannot believe this has happened again. Hello? Help?
[Back to SEV and MIONE's house. MIONE appears wearing a beautiful red satin dress, which has been enchanted to sparkle. Her hair is upswept.]
SEV: (whistles low) You look wonderful, my darling. (kisses her hand)
ARTHUR: Hermione! You look great! Molly, why don't you wear anything like that?
MOLLY: [smacks his arm] Arthur, you're so rude! No wonder Fred and George turned out like they did!
MIONE: Would you be seated?
[The Weasleys sit on a couch. SEV sits back in his squishy chair, nursing the butterbeer. MIONE peers out the window, and suddenly starts hopping up and down.]
MIONE: (excited) He's here! He's here! [throws open the door] Harry!
[HARRY hugs MIONE tightly. He's dressed in a fine black suit, his black hair styled in a style reminiscent of Tobey Maguire in "Spiderman" He has contacts. Tagging along, in a pale blue polyester leisure suit, is LUPIN. His hair is slicked back, completely grey.]
HARRY: Hermione! It is so good to see you. I've brought Remus. [MIONE hugs LUPIN. He kisses her cheek.]
LUPIN: Snape. [nods]
SEV: [glaring] Lupin.
ARTHUR and MOLLY: Harry! [They run to him, grabbing his hands and kissing his cheeks. He blushes. LUPIN sneaks away to a dark corner.]
[In the distance, a vase is breaking.]
Voice: Oi! Stupid vase.
Another Voice: Shut up! You'll ruin our surprise.
MOLLY: I think I hear my boys!
MIONE: Fred? George?
[From another room FRED and GEORGE enter. They are dressed in identical purple robes with black velvet stripes. FRED's robe has a silver embroidered "F" on it. GEORGE's, a gold "G". Their arms are filled with presents.]
FRED and GEORGE: G'day, everyone! Merry Christmas!
ALL: Merry Christmas!
FRED: Hermione, this large pink package is for you.
GEORGE: We're so excited to see everyone! What-o, Harry?
[Loud chatter between characters. FRED runs over to LUPIN to show him new tricks he and GEORGE had invented. Loud knock on door.]
SEV: I'll get it. [Opens door]
CHARLIE: Professor Snape! [extends hand]
SNAPE: Charlie. Welcome to our home.
CHARLIE: Do say hello to Professor Snape, Ginny.
GINNY: Hi. (giggles)
[MOLLY, ARTHUR, MIONE and GEORGE all run towards door. Cacophony]
CHARLIE: Hi everyone! Merry Christmas!
GINNY: Merry Christmas, everybody!
Scene III
[Everyone is sitting around a large table laden with food. SEV sits at head of table, on his right, MIONE. Next to her, HARRY, then GINNY, MOLLY, ARTHUR, MRS. GRANGER, MR. GRANGER, CHARLIE, GEORGE, and FRED. There are a few empty chairs between FRED and SEV.]
SEV: I do hope everyone enjoys the bounty of our table.
GINNY: (whispering to Harry) I wonder where Bill and Ron are?
HARRY: Were they coming together?
MIONE: (whispering to Harry) I didn't get any owls, or even a phone call, from either of them. I just assumed they'd come.
GINNY: I hope they are okay.
[Cut to RON]
RON: Guys, help! Hello? Does anyone hear me?
[Cut to table scene]
ARTHUR: (loudly) This is the best goose I've ever eaten!
MR. GRANGER: If there's one thing my Hermione knows how to do, it's cook a goose!
[GINNY, HARRY, and MIONE all laugh boisterously. SEV smirks.]
MRS. GRANGER: Mrs. Weasley, you look so young. How do you do it?
MOLLY: I don't quite know, Mrs. Granger. Maybe it's because Arthur and I are so happy.
ARTHUR: Mr. Granger, could you please tell me what that neat looking thing attached to your belt is?
[The Grangers and Weasleys continue to chat, as do HARRY, GINNY, and MIONE. LUPIN walks slowly to the table, and takes a chair next to SEV.]
LUPIN: So...um...please pass the goose?
SEV: Lupin, you don't have to be afraid of me. You're Hermione's guest, so I will treat you as I would treat anyone else.
LUPIN: (under his breath) That's what I'm afraid of.
SEV: How's life with Harry?
LUPIN: As you can see, we have to dress like Muggles most of the time. It's hard finding suits to fit me.
SEV: That's a nice color on you.
LUPIN: Not in the Muggle world, it's not. This is horrible. People laugh at me. I might as well be wearing my wizard robes!
SEV: Why don't you and Harry come back?
LUPIN: Harry is too valuable where we are. He's doing good work for the Ministry. I just sit at home.
SEV: I could always get you a job where I work.
LUPIN: And what, make automated elf robots? No thank you.
[Loud knocking at the door]
GINNY: (jumping up from table) Ron!
CHARLIE, FRED, and GEORGE: (also jumping up from table) Bill!
[The Weasley kids run to the door, followed closely by MIONE and HARRY. MIONE opens the door.]
[BILL stands at the door with FLEUR Delacour.]
BILL: Happy Christmas, Weasleys! Oh, and Hermione. (winks)
FLEUR: 'Appy Chrizmaz, everybodee.
GEORGE: Get out! Bill! Fleur?
[FLEUR blushes.] BILL: You know we've been dating for a while, George.
CHARLIE: But, it's Christmas, Bill. Is there something we should know?
BILL: Not yet, big brother. (winks at MIONE again.)
[BILL and FLEUR enters the dining room and takes seats next to LUPIN.]
FLEUR: 'Ello, Mizzus Weasley. (blushes)
MOLLY: Fleur, it's a surprise to see you here.
SEV: More... (pause) guests, Hermione? (stares at her coldly)
MIONE: (visibly uncomfortable) It's a surprise, Severus.
GINNY: [sitting in chair, half slumped over] Where's Ron?
Scene IV
[ARTHUR and MOLLY pacing floor, rest of characters sitting in chairs in living room]
BILL: Maybe he got lost?
CHARLIE: Did he take the Underground?
FRED: Stupid git. He should Apparate like me and George do.
[MOLLY begins to cry. MRS. GRANGER comforts her.]
ARTHUR: Ron will get here eventually.
HARRY: Maybe I should go look for him?
LUPIN: Where would you go? Do you know where he would be?
[All very quiet. FLEUR and GINNY stare out the window.]
FLEUR: Geeny, look! There iz a boy running up zee walk!
ARTHUR: Ronald! (runs out door)
MOLLY: Arthur, is it?
[ARTHUR comes in with a wheezing PERCY, horn rimmed glasses askew.]
GEORGE: What is he doing here?
FRED: What have you done with our brother?
PERCY: (panting) I'm your brother, too! Wait. Which brother?
[FRED and GEORGE turn their backs on PERCY.]
GINNY: (crying) Where is Ron?
[Door busts open. Amid the blaring "Theme from Shaft", DON Knotts stands at the door, dressed like his Mr. Furley character from Three's Company. Audience goes nuts.]
DON: Did someone ask for Don? [Music fades]
LUPIN: Oh, have mercy. This chap is even more ridiculous than me.
HARRY: (whispering) Who is this guy?
MIONE: It's Don, our next-door neighbor.
SEV: Hello... (pause) Don. No one called for you. We're looking for Ron. Ronald Weasley. A redheaded boy. Have you seen him?
DON: Well, I see six of them right here! (trips over own feet)
FRED: No, we're his brothers.
PERCY: (looking confused) Where's Ron?
DON: This sounds like a job for Don!
ARTHUR: Are you one of those deteck-tiffs?
MR. GRANGER: He means detective.
DON: Well, (sniffs) I was once the deputy of a town. I did my share of crime fighting in my day.
SEV: (haughty tone) What about our day?
MIONE: Severus! That's so rude.
DON: Oh, well, Mr. Snape, I think I could find this boy. [SEV laughs]
HARRY: Would you need some help, Don?
DON: I would like to have some turkey, if you've got it.
BILL: We don't have any turkey. We did have some goose.
GINNY: Why do you need goose?
FLEUR: Are you going to zet a trap?
DON: (head bobbles and sniffs) Oh, no, pretty thing, I'm just hungry. My brilliant mind can't think without some fuel, you know.
[LUPIN and SEV both smother laughs]
PERCY: (looking really confused) Ron's not here?
Scene V
[HARRY, CHARLIE, GINNY, MIONE, SEV, and DON are in a dark alley.]
CHARLIE: I'm sure Ron wouldn't be here...
DON: Quiet! He could be anywhere!
MIONE: I think we should go home, don't you, Sev?
SEV: Yes. Don doesn't know what he's doing.
DON: (exasperated) Do you want to find this kid or not?
GINNY: Yes. But do you?
DON: Of course I do! It's Christmas. (sniffs) And I'm lonely.
[Cut to RON]
RON: Hello! Hello? Mum? Dad? Can anyone hear me?
[Back to alley scene]
DON: Well, I did all I can do. (hitches up pants) I think he's dead.
HARRY: What? All you did was wave your flashlight around!
GINNY: You're no detective!
[CHARLIE grabs GINNY's hand, HARRY, MIONE and SEV turn to leave.]
DON: Wait for me! (trips over own feet...again)
[Back to SEV and MIONE's home. Assorted Weasleys are pacing floor. The GRANGERS are sitting on the couch. FLEUR is standing next to the fireplace.]
FLEUR: Thees iz zuch a noisy fireplace.
LUPIN: Old Muggle houses, you know...they aren't built very soundly. The one Harry and I live in always creaks.
ARTHUR: Fred, George, do you remember when we went to the Dursleys to pick up Harry?
GEORGE: Yes! (laughing) Fred, remember that fat creep Dudley?
FRED: (in hysterics) And he ate those charmed candies?
GEORGE: And we were stuck in the fireplace!
MRS. GRANGER: Stuck in the fireplace?
MOLLY: Yes, hasn't Hermione ever told you about Floo Powder?
BILL: Mom, I don't think Hermione would tell her parents all about our world.
MR. GRANGER: Now that you mention it, I think I've heard about your Flooed Powder.
MRS. GRANGER: Wouldn't you be afraid to walk into a flame?
BILL: No, it's really cool, Mrs. Granger.
FLEUR: (backing away from fireplace) Thees fireplace sounds like it'z talking!
[CHARLIE, GINNY, HARRY, MIONE, and SEV are all back at house. DON is lurking about outside.]
MOLLY: Any luck?
CHARLIE: No. That next-door neighbor is a nutter. [DON is seen peeking through the window. SEV shoots a dirty look at him.]
MRS. GRANGER: I think, maybe, we should call the authorities.
PERCY: No! They might not help us if we tell them a young wizard is missing somewhere in Surrey...
BILL: Percy's right.
GINNY: It'd be the first time he's been right in years...
MOLLY: Ginny!
GINNY: (surly look on her face) What? I'm just being truthful.
[Cut to RON]
RON: Hello! (cough) Can't any of you guys hear me? I'm stuck!
[Cut to FLEUR] FLEUR: I 'onestly think thees fireplace iz haunted!
HARRY: Fireplace? Hermione, did Ron tell you how he might come to visit?
MIONE: No, I haven't talked to him. Oh no... (shocked look on face)
SEV: You don't think...
FRED and GEORGE: (frantically) Floo Powder!
LUPIN: Oh, my word. Ron's stuck in the fireplace! [Ominous sitcom danger music plays]
Scene VI
[The Weasley family is gathered around the mantle. LUPIN, SEV, and THE GRANGERS are sitting on the couch, away from the action. HARRY and MIONE are pacing back and forth. FRED and GEORGE are stifling giggles.]
ARTHUR: Ron, how in blazes could you have gotten stuck in the fireplace? Again?
RON: (muffled) Erm...I don't know! I thought it was on the Floo Network.
MIONE: Ron, you should have called. Severus and I have blocked it because of cat burglars in the neighborhood.
RON: What should I do?
HARRY: The unblocking spells aren't working, Ron.
FRED: George and I could blow the fireplace up. [GEORGE starts rubbing his hands.]
SEV: No! I refuse to have you Weasleys destroy my home. I'd have to work extra shifts at ELF-Co to fix it all!
RON: What should I do?
MR. GRANGER: Maybe we should call a chimney sweep.
GINNY: A chimney sweep? [FLEUR starts singing "Chim Chim Cheree" from "Mary Poppins"] Wouldn't they have to go up on the roof?
GEORGE: Cool! Let Fred and me do it!
LUPIN: I think there's only one person who's crazy and thin enough to fit in the chimney and wrench Ron out.
HARRY: Remus...I think you're right.
PERCY: Who? Not me!
BILL: No, not you, Percy. I think I know. [Whispers in HARRY'S ear. HARRY nods his head in approval.] Charlie, what do you think? [Whispers in CHARLIE'S ear]
CHARLIE: Yes...yes! It's perfect.
MOLLY: Who? Who, tell me!
LUPIN: Don.
Assorted WEASLEYS: Don?
HARRY: Yes! It's perfect. He wants to do something heroic, the poor man. Let him rescue Ron.
SEV: Oh no! I'd rather have those two (gesturing towards GEORGE and FRED) blow my fireplace up.
GEORGE: Who, us? We'd be happy to, Professor.
LUPIN: Now, now, tempers everyone. (sighs) We can't really use magic, can we, with all these Muggles around, and no one here is able to get down the fireplace without injuring Ron or ourselves. It really is the best option.
MIONE: [puts her hand on SEV'S shoulder] What would it hurt, darling?
SEV: (snarls) Bring that fool inside.
[ARTHUR goes outside, where DON is still peering through the windows. He brings the veteran sitcom actor in.]
LUPIN: Don, we have a project for you.
HARRY: Only you can do it.
MIONE: You're our only hope!
DON: (hitching up pants, sniffing) Of course I'll help, little lady. You need me to protect you from your husband? (does fake karate chops) Hieeya! Take that, you weird creep! [SEV leers at DON. DON slinks away, and hides behind GINNY.]
MOLLY: My son, Ron, is stuck in the fireplace.
DON: He was trying to play Santa Claus! How sweet!
BILL: Yes. That's it. Santa Claus. He's stuck, Don, and you need to get him out for us.
DON: I can do it!
[Sanford and Son music begins to play. DON climbs up onto the roof, dressed like a commando. CHARLIE, BILL, GINNY, and HARRY all laugh when DON nearly slips and falls off the roof. ARTHUR is also on the roof, yelling down the chimney. Music subsides.]
ARTHUR: Ron! Son, hang tight! This Mug...Mr. Knotts will be coming to retrieve you!
DON: OK! I'm ready! [He slips down the chimney and grabs hold of Ron.]
RON: YEeeeeeOUCH! That's my hair, you stupid git!
DON: Sorry!
[Fifteen breathless minutes later, DON and RON appear from the chimney, sooty and obviously tired. Everyone rushes towards Ron, hugging and kissing him. LUPIN, SEV and ARTHUR shake DON's hand.]
LUPIN: That's a good man.
ARTHUR: Thank you!
GINNY: Ron, are you okay?
RON: Yeah. I've lost all your presents, though. I'm really sorry, everyone.
HARRY: It's okay, mate. We're just happy you're here.
MOLLY: How can we ever repay you, Don?
DON: [sniff] Tweren't nothing, ma'am. I would like some goose, though, if you've got it.
FLEUR: Always eating!
MIONE and SEV: That's our Don! [Everyone laughs stupidly, as the theme to the Dick Van Dyke show plays.]
THE END.
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Author's Notes: This surreal mini-screenplay is based on a mish-mash of many stupid and seemingly pointless plotlines of the most popular sitcoms of the 1950's (see the movie "Pleasantville" for further enlightenment). The situations and dialogue are culled from that type of "wholesome entertainment". My outrageous portrayal of Don Knotts is all in fun. The real Don Knotts is NOT that stupid. He's a fine actor, and he's here because he is the ultimate comedic sidekick. It's a tribute, really.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Network Announcer: [montage of pictures of Severus and Hermione, goofy Christmas music plays] Stay tuned for a Very Special Sev and Mione Christmas!
Announcer: The Sev and Mione Show! Featuring Severus Snape. With Hermione Granger Snape. Also starring Don Knotts. [Horrible tacked-on picture of Knotts as Barney Fife.]
Scene I
[Leave It To Beaver theme music plays. SEV walks into door of immaculate 50's style bungalow, his robes blowing in the breeze outside. The house is decorated with gaudy Christmas items. He flops down on a squishy chair.]
SEV: [in a snarky voice] Hermione, I'm home!
[MIONE, dressed in a fluffy dress, pinafore, and the ubiquitous June Cleaver string of pearls, appears from the side, carrying a frosty bottle of butterbeer.]
MIONE: Severus, darling! Have a butterbeer. I was wondering when you'd be home. How was your day?[Music fades]
SEV: I hate working at ELF-Co. (massages temples) Why did I ever leave Hogwarts?
MIONE: Because you hated working there, too.
SEV: I did tell you that Fudge's brother's son is my supervisor? His stupidity is intolerable. (sighs) It must run in the family.
MIONE: Speaking of family, our guests will be arriving shortly!
SEV: (snarls) How many people are coming over this year?
MIONE: (innocently) Oh, about fifteen...
SEV: (irate. Stands up) Fifteen? Is that counting us? (pauses) It's not counting us! Have you gone mad, woman?
MIONE: (cooing) Oh, Sevvie, darling, I didn't think you'd mind. Harry and Lupin have no one to spend Christmas with, the Weasleys are friends, and of course my mother and father...
SEV: Fine. (sighs) Fine. (pauses) What is that noise?
MIONE: I don't hear anything.
SEV: It sounds like...
MIONE: (interrupts) It's nothing! You're trying to change the subject.
SEV: No. Your friends are... (pauses, smirks) my friends. Do we have enough goose?
MIONE: (pinches Snape on the bum) I think we do.
SEV: (grinning) Oh, you...
Scene II
[SEV is in the bedroom, a relic of the Lucy and Ricky era. He's holding up two almost identical black robes, and two pairs of black shoes.]
SEV: I wonder, which is more appropriate for a holiday gathering?
[MIONE's voice carries. She's singing Christmas carols.]
SEV: I think this one looks more...(pause) Festive. [He puts on a robe that looks exactly like his work robes.]
[Cut to kitchen. MIONE stands in front of stove, fanning a gigantic roasted bird. SEV enters room.]
MIONE: You look wonderful. I have to change. Can you look after the goose for me?
SEV: (muttering) Sure. But I'm not answering the door...
MIONE: (running towards bedroom) And get the door!
[SEV continues to baste goose, when a slight knock is heard from the door.]
MIONE: (calling from bedroom) Please, Severus!
SEV: (muttering) Stupid...bloody...(opens door, fake enthusiasm) Hi! Welcome. (snarls)
[Standing on the steps is ARTHUR and MOLLY Weasley. ARTHUR is dressed in a dark green robe with flashing lights around the collar. MOLLY is wearing one of her hand knitted monstrosities.]
MOLLY: Hello, Snape! Happy Christmas to you!
ARTHUR: We're so happy to be here.
SEV: (growling) So....are.....we. [closes door]
MOLLY: Are we the first ones here?
SEV: Yes.
ARTHUR: Goodie! I love spending time with Muggles...do you know when the Grangers are coming?
SEV: No.
MOLLY: I hope everyone gets here soon!
[Scene change. RON is in a dark place, dirt smears all over his face, his hands filled with tiny presents.]
RON: (coughs) I cannot believe this has happened again. Hello? Help?
[Back to SEV and MIONE's house. MIONE appears wearing a beautiful red satin dress, which has been enchanted to sparkle. Her hair is upswept.]
SEV: (whistles low) You look wonderful, my darling. (kisses her hand)
ARTHUR: Hermione! You look great! Molly, why don't you wear anything like that?
MOLLY: [smacks his arm] Arthur, you're so rude! No wonder Fred and George turned out like they did!
MIONE: Would you be seated?
[The Weasleys sit on a couch. SEV sits back in his squishy chair, nursing the butterbeer. MIONE peers out the window, and suddenly starts hopping up and down.]
MIONE: (excited) He's here! He's here! [throws open the door] Harry!
[HARRY hugs MIONE tightly. He's dressed in a fine black suit, his black hair styled in a style reminiscent of Tobey Maguire in "Spiderman" He has contacts. Tagging along, in a pale blue polyester leisure suit, is LUPIN. His hair is slicked back, completely grey.]
HARRY: Hermione! It is so good to see you. I've brought Remus. [MIONE hugs LUPIN. He kisses her cheek.]
LUPIN: Snape. [nods]
SEV: [glaring] Lupin.
ARTHUR and MOLLY: Harry! [They run to him, grabbing his hands and kissing his cheeks. He blushes. LUPIN sneaks away to a dark corner.]
[In the distance, a vase is breaking.]
Voice: Oi! Stupid vase.
Another Voice: Shut up! You'll ruin our surprise.
MOLLY: I think I hear my boys!
MIONE: Fred? George?
[From another room FRED and GEORGE enter. They are dressed in identical purple robes with black velvet stripes. FRED's robe has a silver embroidered "F" on it. GEORGE's, a gold "G". Their arms are filled with presents.]
FRED and GEORGE: G'day, everyone! Merry Christmas!
ALL: Merry Christmas!
FRED: Hermione, this large pink package is for you.
GEORGE: We're so excited to see everyone! What-o, Harry?
[Loud chatter between characters. FRED runs over to LUPIN to show him new tricks he and GEORGE had invented. Loud knock on door.]
SEV: I'll get it. [Opens door]
CHARLIE: Professor Snape! [extends hand]
SNAPE: Charlie. Welcome to our home.
CHARLIE: Do say hello to Professor Snape, Ginny.
GINNY: Hi. (giggles)
[MOLLY, ARTHUR, MIONE and GEORGE all run towards door. Cacophony]
CHARLIE: Hi everyone! Merry Christmas!
GINNY: Merry Christmas, everybody!
Scene III
[Everyone is sitting around a large table laden with food. SEV sits at head of table, on his right, MIONE. Next to her, HARRY, then GINNY, MOLLY, ARTHUR, MRS. GRANGER, MR. GRANGER, CHARLIE, GEORGE, and FRED. There are a few empty chairs between FRED and SEV.]
SEV: I do hope everyone enjoys the bounty of our table.
GINNY: (whispering to Harry) I wonder where Bill and Ron are?
HARRY: Were they coming together?
MIONE: (whispering to Harry) I didn't get any owls, or even a phone call, from either of them. I just assumed they'd come.
GINNY: I hope they are okay.
[Cut to RON]
RON: Guys, help! Hello? Does anyone hear me?
[Cut to table scene]
ARTHUR: (loudly) This is the best goose I've ever eaten!
MR. GRANGER: If there's one thing my Hermione knows how to do, it's cook a goose!
[GINNY, HARRY, and MIONE all laugh boisterously. SEV smirks.]
MRS. GRANGER: Mrs. Weasley, you look so young. How do you do it?
MOLLY: I don't quite know, Mrs. Granger. Maybe it's because Arthur and I are so happy.
ARTHUR: Mr. Granger, could you please tell me what that neat looking thing attached to your belt is?
[The Grangers and Weasleys continue to chat, as do HARRY, GINNY, and MIONE. LUPIN walks slowly to the table, and takes a chair next to SEV.]
LUPIN: So...um...please pass the goose?
SEV: Lupin, you don't have to be afraid of me. You're Hermione's guest, so I will treat you as I would treat anyone else.
LUPIN: (under his breath) That's what I'm afraid of.
SEV: How's life with Harry?
LUPIN: As you can see, we have to dress like Muggles most of the time. It's hard finding suits to fit me.
SEV: That's a nice color on you.
LUPIN: Not in the Muggle world, it's not. This is horrible. People laugh at me. I might as well be wearing my wizard robes!
SEV: Why don't you and Harry come back?
LUPIN: Harry is too valuable where we are. He's doing good work for the Ministry. I just sit at home.
SEV: I could always get you a job where I work.
LUPIN: And what, make automated elf robots? No thank you.
[Loud knocking at the door]
GINNY: (jumping up from table) Ron!
CHARLIE, FRED, and GEORGE: (also jumping up from table) Bill!
[The Weasley kids run to the door, followed closely by MIONE and HARRY. MIONE opens the door.]
[BILL stands at the door with FLEUR Delacour.]
BILL: Happy Christmas, Weasleys! Oh, and Hermione. (winks)
FLEUR: 'Appy Chrizmaz, everybodee.
GEORGE: Get out! Bill! Fleur?
[FLEUR blushes.] BILL: You know we've been dating for a while, George.
CHARLIE: But, it's Christmas, Bill. Is there something we should know?
BILL: Not yet, big brother. (winks at MIONE again.)
[BILL and FLEUR enters the dining room and takes seats next to LUPIN.]
FLEUR: 'Ello, Mizzus Weasley. (blushes)
MOLLY: Fleur, it's a surprise to see you here.
SEV: More... (pause) guests, Hermione? (stares at her coldly)
MIONE: (visibly uncomfortable) It's a surprise, Severus.
GINNY: [sitting in chair, half slumped over] Where's Ron?
Scene IV
[ARTHUR and MOLLY pacing floor, rest of characters sitting in chairs in living room]
BILL: Maybe he got lost?
CHARLIE: Did he take the Underground?
FRED: Stupid git. He should Apparate like me and George do.
[MOLLY begins to cry. MRS. GRANGER comforts her.]
ARTHUR: Ron will get here eventually.
HARRY: Maybe I should go look for him?
LUPIN: Where would you go? Do you know where he would be?
[All very quiet. FLEUR and GINNY stare out the window.]
FLEUR: Geeny, look! There iz a boy running up zee walk!
ARTHUR: Ronald! (runs out door)
MOLLY: Arthur, is it?
[ARTHUR comes in with a wheezing PERCY, horn rimmed glasses askew.]
GEORGE: What is he doing here?
FRED: What have you done with our brother?
PERCY: (panting) I'm your brother, too! Wait. Which brother?
[FRED and GEORGE turn their backs on PERCY.]
GINNY: (crying) Where is Ron?
[Door busts open. Amid the blaring "Theme from Shaft", DON Knotts stands at the door, dressed like his Mr. Furley character from Three's Company. Audience goes nuts.]
DON: Did someone ask for Don? [Music fades]
LUPIN: Oh, have mercy. This chap is even more ridiculous than me.
HARRY: (whispering) Who is this guy?
MIONE: It's Don, our next-door neighbor.
SEV: Hello... (pause) Don. No one called for you. We're looking for Ron. Ronald Weasley. A redheaded boy. Have you seen him?
DON: Well, I see six of them right here! (trips over own feet)
FRED: No, we're his brothers.
PERCY: (looking confused) Where's Ron?
DON: This sounds like a job for Don!
ARTHUR: Are you one of those deteck-tiffs?
MR. GRANGER: He means detective.
DON: Well, (sniffs) I was once the deputy of a town. I did my share of crime fighting in my day.
SEV: (haughty tone) What about our day?
MIONE: Severus! That's so rude.
DON: Oh, well, Mr. Snape, I think I could find this boy. [SEV laughs]
HARRY: Would you need some help, Don?
DON: I would like to have some turkey, if you've got it.
BILL: We don't have any turkey. We did have some goose.
GINNY: Why do you need goose?
FLEUR: Are you going to zet a trap?
DON: (head bobbles and sniffs) Oh, no, pretty thing, I'm just hungry. My brilliant mind can't think without some fuel, you know.
[LUPIN and SEV both smother laughs]
PERCY: (looking really confused) Ron's not here?
Scene V
[HARRY, CHARLIE, GINNY, MIONE, SEV, and DON are in a dark alley.]
CHARLIE: I'm sure Ron wouldn't be here...
DON: Quiet! He could be anywhere!
MIONE: I think we should go home, don't you, Sev?
SEV: Yes. Don doesn't know what he's doing.
DON: (exasperated) Do you want to find this kid or not?
GINNY: Yes. But do you?
DON: Of course I do! It's Christmas. (sniffs) And I'm lonely.
[Cut to RON]
RON: Hello! Hello? Mum? Dad? Can anyone hear me?
[Back to alley scene]
DON: Well, I did all I can do. (hitches up pants) I think he's dead.
HARRY: What? All you did was wave your flashlight around!
GINNY: You're no detective!
[CHARLIE grabs GINNY's hand, HARRY, MIONE and SEV turn to leave.]
DON: Wait for me! (trips over own feet...again)
[Back to SEV and MIONE's home. Assorted Weasleys are pacing floor. The GRANGERS are sitting on the couch. FLEUR is standing next to the fireplace.]
FLEUR: Thees iz zuch a noisy fireplace.
LUPIN: Old Muggle houses, you know...they aren't built very soundly. The one Harry and I live in always creaks.
ARTHUR: Fred, George, do you remember when we went to the Dursleys to pick up Harry?
GEORGE: Yes! (laughing) Fred, remember that fat creep Dudley?
FRED: (in hysterics) And he ate those charmed candies?
GEORGE: And we were stuck in the fireplace!
MRS. GRANGER: Stuck in the fireplace?
MOLLY: Yes, hasn't Hermione ever told you about Floo Powder?
BILL: Mom, I don't think Hermione would tell her parents all about our world.
MR. GRANGER: Now that you mention it, I think I've heard about your Flooed Powder.
MRS. GRANGER: Wouldn't you be afraid to walk into a flame?
BILL: No, it's really cool, Mrs. Granger.
FLEUR: (backing away from fireplace) Thees fireplace sounds like it'z talking!
[CHARLIE, GINNY, HARRY, MIONE, and SEV are all back at house. DON is lurking about outside.]
MOLLY: Any luck?
CHARLIE: No. That next-door neighbor is a nutter. [DON is seen peeking through the window. SEV shoots a dirty look at him.]
MRS. GRANGER: I think, maybe, we should call the authorities.
PERCY: No! They might not help us if we tell them a young wizard is missing somewhere in Surrey...
BILL: Percy's right.
GINNY: It'd be the first time he's been right in years...
MOLLY: Ginny!
GINNY: (surly look on her face) What? I'm just being truthful.
[Cut to RON]
RON: Hello! (cough) Can't any of you guys hear me? I'm stuck!
[Cut to FLEUR] FLEUR: I 'onestly think thees fireplace iz haunted!
HARRY: Fireplace? Hermione, did Ron tell you how he might come to visit?
MIONE: No, I haven't talked to him. Oh no... (shocked look on face)
SEV: You don't think...
FRED and GEORGE: (frantically) Floo Powder!
LUPIN: Oh, my word. Ron's stuck in the fireplace! [Ominous sitcom danger music plays]
Scene VI
[The Weasley family is gathered around the mantle. LUPIN, SEV, and THE GRANGERS are sitting on the couch, away from the action. HARRY and MIONE are pacing back and forth. FRED and GEORGE are stifling giggles.]
ARTHUR: Ron, how in blazes could you have gotten stuck in the fireplace? Again?
RON: (muffled) Erm...I don't know! I thought it was on the Floo Network.
MIONE: Ron, you should have called. Severus and I have blocked it because of cat burglars in the neighborhood.
RON: What should I do?
HARRY: The unblocking spells aren't working, Ron.
FRED: George and I could blow the fireplace up. [GEORGE starts rubbing his hands.]
SEV: No! I refuse to have you Weasleys destroy my home. I'd have to work extra shifts at ELF-Co to fix it all!
RON: What should I do?
MR. GRANGER: Maybe we should call a chimney sweep.
GINNY: A chimney sweep? [FLEUR starts singing "Chim Chim Cheree" from "Mary Poppins"] Wouldn't they have to go up on the roof?
GEORGE: Cool! Let Fred and me do it!
LUPIN: I think there's only one person who's crazy and thin enough to fit in the chimney and wrench Ron out.
HARRY: Remus...I think you're right.
PERCY: Who? Not me!
BILL: No, not you, Percy. I think I know. [Whispers in HARRY'S ear. HARRY nods his head in approval.] Charlie, what do you think? [Whispers in CHARLIE'S ear]
CHARLIE: Yes...yes! It's perfect.
MOLLY: Who? Who, tell me!
LUPIN: Don.
Assorted WEASLEYS: Don?
HARRY: Yes! It's perfect. He wants to do something heroic, the poor man. Let him rescue Ron.
SEV: Oh no! I'd rather have those two (gesturing towards GEORGE and FRED) blow my fireplace up.
GEORGE: Who, us? We'd be happy to, Professor.
LUPIN: Now, now, tempers everyone. (sighs) We can't really use magic, can we, with all these Muggles around, and no one here is able to get down the fireplace without injuring Ron or ourselves. It really is the best option.
MIONE: [puts her hand on SEV'S shoulder] What would it hurt, darling?
SEV: (snarls) Bring that fool inside.
[ARTHUR goes outside, where DON is still peering through the windows. He brings the veteran sitcom actor in.]
LUPIN: Don, we have a project for you.
HARRY: Only you can do it.
MIONE: You're our only hope!
DON: (hitching up pants, sniffing) Of course I'll help, little lady. You need me to protect you from your husband? (does fake karate chops) Hieeya! Take that, you weird creep! [SEV leers at DON. DON slinks away, and hides behind GINNY.]
MOLLY: My son, Ron, is stuck in the fireplace.
DON: He was trying to play Santa Claus! How sweet!
BILL: Yes. That's it. Santa Claus. He's stuck, Don, and you need to get him out for us.
DON: I can do it!
[Sanford and Son music begins to play. DON climbs up onto the roof, dressed like a commando. CHARLIE, BILL, GINNY, and HARRY all laugh when DON nearly slips and falls off the roof. ARTHUR is also on the roof, yelling down the chimney. Music subsides.]
ARTHUR: Ron! Son, hang tight! This Mug...Mr. Knotts will be coming to retrieve you!
DON: OK! I'm ready! [He slips down the chimney and grabs hold of Ron.]
RON: YEeeeeeOUCH! That's my hair, you stupid git!
DON: Sorry!
[Fifteen breathless minutes later, DON and RON appear from the chimney, sooty and obviously tired. Everyone rushes towards Ron, hugging and kissing him. LUPIN, SEV and ARTHUR shake DON's hand.]
LUPIN: That's a good man.
ARTHUR: Thank you!
GINNY: Ron, are you okay?
RON: Yeah. I've lost all your presents, though. I'm really sorry, everyone.
HARRY: It's okay, mate. We're just happy you're here.
MOLLY: How can we ever repay you, Don?
DON: [sniff] Tweren't nothing, ma'am. I would like some goose, though, if you've got it.
FLEUR: Always eating!
MIONE and SEV: That's our Don! [Everyone laughs stupidly, as the theme to the Dick Van Dyke show plays.]
THE END.