Chapter 16
He searched the desk drawer, but couldn't find it. "Damn it!" He cursed and searched the nightstand in the bedroom. He gave up and sat on the bed. He dropped his head into his hands and tried to calm down. His chest hurt as he breathed. He felt her hand on his back and something being placed into his hand. He pulled his inhaler up to his mouth and breathed in the best he could.
"One more time Gil." She said quietly and rubbed his back. "You ok?"
He nodded "I'm-sorry." He breathed out.
Sara leaned her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry too." She whispered and let him lie down. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at him. She gently rubbed his chest and watched as his breathing evened out. She felt the wheezing go, but didn't stop her soothing caress. "I'm not going to say anything." She promised.
Grissom sighed and opened his eyes. "He's not allowed anywhere near us Sara. If you told her, he could never see her."
She nodded and stilled her hand over his heart. He covered her hand and gently brushed his thumb over her knuckles. "I know. I honestly don't have a good reason why I wanted to tell her. I was worried that if we had an accident. She'd need to know."
He closed his eyes and breathed in slowly. "It wouldn't help. If he came anywhere near us, he would be straight back in jail where he's been for the past 15 years. He's not going to come within ten miles of Vegas without a police escort straight back to his cell." He explained.
"Can we please forget for a while. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want to talk to you about something different." She asked softly, moving to lay beside him.
Grissom turned his head and looked her in the eyes. "About something else?"
She nodded. "Us."
He licked his lips and lightly bit on his bottom lip. "Let me tell you something before you do." Sara nodded and squeezed his hand tightly. "I love you. You may have felt something for me back then, but I pulled you away from being killed. If you hate me for that. I don't care. I would have you hate me than dead."
Sara closed her eyes leaned her forehead on his shoulder. "I've never ever hated you. I couldn't." She stressed. "I've never for one moment blamed you or held anything against you for what you did. You helped us. I was the one too stupid to see what was going to happen. I felt obligated to try with Jake, but nothing worked." She turned her head and brushed her cheek over his cotton shirt.
"He wouldn't let it work Sara. He was angry and I could never understand why." Grissom brushed her hair back and pulled her tighter into his side.
"He was jealous of you Griss. I think that's why he did what he did." Sara explained, although she was still unsure if that was the complete truth.
Grissom released her hand to turn his hand and thread their fingers together. "He wasn't jealous Sara." He said softly.
She nodded slightly. "He was. He knew I felt something for you and that you were willing to help me if I asked, but I didn't and you did anyway."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner about Jake?" He asked, stroking her neck.
"I was scared you'd see me differently. That you'd turn away from me." She answered truthfully. "It sounds stupid now, but then, it was a scary feeling. If I left Jake and you turned me away. I wouldn't know where to go, but back to Jake."
Grissom sighed. "I'm so sorry. I should have done something to show you I felt something for you, but I was scared that you'd never feel the same and I convinced myself of that. At times I would let my feelings for you show, but I couldn't let the others see or Jake would find out."
Sara turned her head and looked up at him. "You knew he'd hurt me if he knew you felt something for me?" Grissom nodded. "I didn't know that." She whispered.
He searched the desk drawer, but couldn't find it. "Damn it!" He cursed and searched the nightstand in the bedroom. He gave up and sat on the bed. He dropped his head into his hands and tried to calm down. His chest hurt as he breathed. He felt her hand on his back and something being placed into his hand. He pulled his inhaler up to his mouth and breathed in the best he could.
"One more time Gil." She said quietly and rubbed his back. "You ok?"
He nodded "I'm-sorry." He breathed out.
Sara leaned her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry too." She whispered and let him lie down. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at him. She gently rubbed his chest and watched as his breathing evened out. She felt the wheezing go, but didn't stop her soothing caress. "I'm not going to say anything." She promised.
Grissom sighed and opened his eyes. "He's not allowed anywhere near us Sara. If you told her, he could never see her."
She nodded and stilled her hand over his heart. He covered her hand and gently brushed his thumb over her knuckles. "I know. I honestly don't have a good reason why I wanted to tell her. I was worried that if we had an accident. She'd need to know."
He closed his eyes and breathed in slowly. "It wouldn't help. If he came anywhere near us, he would be straight back in jail where he's been for the past 15 years. He's not going to come within ten miles of Vegas without a police escort straight back to his cell." He explained.
"Can we please forget for a while. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want to talk to you about something different." She asked softly, moving to lay beside him.
Grissom turned his head and looked her in the eyes. "About something else?"
She nodded. "Us."
He licked his lips and lightly bit on his bottom lip. "Let me tell you something before you do." Sara nodded and squeezed his hand tightly. "I love you. You may have felt something for me back then, but I pulled you away from being killed. If you hate me for that. I don't care. I would have you hate me than dead."
Sara closed her eyes leaned her forehead on his shoulder. "I've never ever hated you. I couldn't." She stressed. "I've never for one moment blamed you or held anything against you for what you did. You helped us. I was the one too stupid to see what was going to happen. I felt obligated to try with Jake, but nothing worked." She turned her head and brushed her cheek over his cotton shirt.
"He wouldn't let it work Sara. He was angry and I could never understand why." Grissom brushed her hair back and pulled her tighter into his side.
"He was jealous of you Griss. I think that's why he did what he did." Sara explained, although she was still unsure if that was the complete truth.
Grissom released her hand to turn his hand and thread their fingers together. "He wasn't jealous Sara." He said softly.
She nodded slightly. "He was. He knew I felt something for you and that you were willing to help me if I asked, but I didn't and you did anyway."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner about Jake?" He asked, stroking her neck.
"I was scared you'd see me differently. That you'd turn away from me." She answered truthfully. "It sounds stupid now, but then, it was a scary feeling. If I left Jake and you turned me away. I wouldn't know where to go, but back to Jake."
Grissom sighed. "I'm so sorry. I should have done something to show you I felt something for you, but I was scared that you'd never feel the same and I convinced myself of that. At times I would let my feelings for you show, but I couldn't let the others see or Jake would find out."
Sara turned her head and looked up at him. "You knew he'd hurt me if he knew you felt something for me?" Grissom nodded. "I didn't know that." She whispered.