Disclaimer A: You're still after me? I've already told you, I've got nothing to justify your means.
Disclaimer B: I'm reasonably sure that the idea behind this chapter is mine and mine alone.
But in case I'm mistaken, well... see Disclaimer A :)
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7. THE FAIRY TAIL
"Welcome to the Ministry of Magic. Please state your name and business."
"Remus Lupin. Or just Lupin. I came here to mourn a friend of mine."
He stepped back just in time to avoid to be hit by the silver "Remus Just Lupin, Mourning Walk" badge.
"The Ministry of Magic wishes you a pleasant mourning."
…
The way to the Chamber of Death was uneventful. (Honestly, just two stunned Aurors - who were dutifully sleeping anyway - and a pitiful dozen of broken wards...)
The mysterious Veil was fluttering ever so slightly as if some lazy peek-a-boo player fell asleep behind it and was now disturbing the delicate fabric with his peaceful snoring.
"..."
"Sirius?"
"... ... ..."
"Sirius, I know you can hear me. There is no point in pretending so dead, you old furry prick! Eh... I mean, even with all your fierce fury and prickly pride you still could've deigned to find a welcoming word for your grieving friend..."
Soft murmurs of cool night winds (a.k.a. drafts) were the only answer to his gentle pleas. Remus sighed.
"Very well. Keep your silence as long as you wish. After all, I didn't come all the way here just to listen to your incessant blabbering... This time I've got some blabbering of my own."
He slowly extracted a small but thick bright-colored book from inside of his exquisitely tattered robes.
"Remember THE Book you gave me as an early Christmas present after I chewed up your brand-new broomstick in our fifth year?"
This time the Veil fluttered slightly more than it was strictly necessary for a sleeping peek-a-boo beauty.
"By the way, it was your own fault, you know. Nobody asked you to bring your favorite stick into the Shrieking Shack and tease me with it... Anyway, the time came for you to pay me back for all those years of my being the only reader of this... eh… fairytale?"
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Remus Just Lupin settled comfortably in an armchair (which conveniently appeared behind him a second before) and read the title aloud:
*~*~ * FAIRY TALES THROUGH CAGES *~*~*
Revised Edition
Editor D. Umbridge
Approved as a pre-school reading
by the Ministry of Magic of Great Britain.
Was it just his imagination or there was indeed a lonely moan among all the murmurs? Remus smiled predatorily and turned the page.
*~* THE LITTLE WEREWOLF AND THE RED CAP *~*
Once upon a time, my dear children, there lived a happy wizarding family in the Forgotten Forest - a widow and her werewolf son whom all called just Little Werewolf, because he was indeed a little werewolf and as such didn't need any other name. There must have been a father too once in this happy family but Little Werewolf didn't remember him at all (well, maybe only his taste a bit).
One fair morning Little Werewolf's Mummy merrily removed all the bars and unlocked the heavy trap-door to her son's cozy cellar.
"Rise and shine, my sweet Moonydoom! You're going on a trip today. Your favorite granny has fallen gravely ill."
"Which granny? The one that sent me a silver spoon for my last birthday?"
"Yes, darling, the one that loves you the most. Your other granny sent you only a silver pin."
"Um... Mummy?"
"Yes, Moonydrum?"
"Wouldn't she like to enjoy her favorite grave illness alone?"
"Of course not, my Moonydrill! What the point is there to suffer alone, with nobody to compl... eh to share the moment with?!"
"All right, all right... I only wish that her grave illnesses would not always happen together with my full-moon periods…"
And so our Little Werewolf started his long journey through the beautiful and friendly Forgotten Forest.
In the sunny clearing before their house a small gathering of centaurs were reverently reading the new "Daily Prophet". Little Werewolf knowingly smiled at the expression of soft wonder and deep awe on their almost human faces.
Then he crossed the Bridge where a bunch of playful goblin kids were collecting money for the Ministry-supported charity funds. Little Werewolf had no money in his pockets (he didn't have any pocket-infested clothes to begin with) but it didn't stop him from supporting the noble cause with all his cute little heart.
[Now, this is just a fairytale, remember, children? So let us all pretend that magical creatures can feel just as us wizards do. D.U.]
Remus made a short break here. How strange. He'd never noticed before how cold and strong the drafts in the Chamber of Death were.
... After the Bridge the trees grew older and higher. Little Werewolf was cordially greeted there by some Muggle tourists. They all accidentally stumbled upon this secret place and were now patiently waiting in a line to be Obliviated by our watchful and courteous Aurors.
The Forgotten Forest grew ever higher and darker around him, but our Little Werewolf was afraid of nothing. For though he was only a small and slow-witted creature he was confident that our government would protect ALL its law-abiding subjects.
He merrily waved his hand at the pack of Wizard-Friendly Vegetarian Vampires Which Officially Refused to Drink Blood.
[They all did it voluntarily and willingly and not just because it is prohibited by Ministry's laws. D.U.]
The vampires cheerfully grinned back to the polite little beast.
His way lay through the darkest part of the forest now. The lane became very narrow and twisting here. And just after the twentieth turn Little Werewolf saw that somebody was waiting here for him. And that, my brave children, was nobody else but
THE BIG AND TERRIBLE EVIL RED CAP!!!
But of course the poor puppy-werewolf, what with him having spent his whole life in our well-protected and lawful world, knew nothing about evil things which still dare sometimes to disturb the Perfect Order of the Wizarding Britain.
"Oh, what a meeting. Our Little Moony-Ding-Dong..."
"Good morning to you too, Mr. Red Cap."
"Where are you going, Little Moony-Dung, if I may ask?"
"I'm visiting my favorite Granny, Mr. Red Cap. She's gravely ill."
"What, again? Oh, I simply MUST visit her. I would've done it ages ago, but couldn't find her house."
"That because it's unplottable."
"Oh, I know, I know... Believe me, little one, I know it only too well... Um... Could you please tell me how to find it?"
"Of course, Mr. Red Cap."
And so our silly, silly Little Werewolf explained to the evil Mr. Red Cap all the driving directions and passwords opening the wards to His Favorite Granny's House!!!
[Don't worry my dears, there will be a new law one day soon, restricting for all the lower magical creatures any unsupervised access to wizard-inhabited areas. I promise. D.U.]
The weather in the Chamber of Death was slowly but steadily moving towards "chilly and windy". As for the Veil's billowing, it was rivaling Snape's cloak's peristalsis now. Remus J. Lupin was shivering from cold, but his voice remained smooth and lulling as he continued with the narration...
... And so it happened that when the Not Too Bright Little Werewolf was happily enjoying a cup of English Breakfast Tea with his gravely ill Favorite Granny, the door burst open and the Hungry Looking Red Cap appeared before the frightened family.
The monster licked its thick scarlet lips and grinned.
"Bone appetite, everybody!"
But Little Werewolf's Favorite Granny stood and cried angrily:
I WILL COMPLAIN TO THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC!!!
And such was the force of those words that even this foul creature stopped in its tracks and hesitated for a moment. But, alas, children, even in our prosperous and enlightened times (guarded by the vigilant and honorable Law Enforcement Department of the Ministry of Magic) there still are some wretched monsters who just chose to remain beyond rescue!!!
And so the wretched monster swallowed them all: the werewolf, and the werewolf's grandmother, and the werewolf's grandfather's portrait, and the werewolf's grandfather's clock, and the werewolf's grandmother's silverware...
Remus produced a worn handkerchief from his secret front pocket (disguised as an old polka dot patch) and dabbed it at the solitary tear which escaped his moisten eyes.
Well, it is uncomfortable enough, my sweet children, to be swallowed by a Red Cap. But if you also happen to be a werewolf and a bit wary of your grandmother's silverware, your situation might become even more unpleasant…
Remus made another dramatic pause here. The icy wind was positively howling around the ancient archway now.
... Fortunately, the Wizard-Friendly Vampires, who were peacefully gnawing at a tree bark nearby have heard Little Werewolf's desperate howling and came to his Favorite Granny's House to investigate.
[Now, it must be made clear that the Vampires came here because they all felt the threat to their beloved forest's harmonious and law-abiding life and not at all because they were lured here by promise of blood as their less civilized brethren would have been.
Because, my little ones, you must know, that there still are few magical creatures that are not yet cooperating with our esteemed authorities. But rest assured, my obedient ones, that the authorities in question will cooperate accordingly with those who refuse to cooperate with them. D.U.]
The ever present murmurs (which long since became moans, howls and dirty curses) grew louder with his every word, but Remus was too absorbed in his reading to pay them any notice.
... And so they rescued them all: the werewolf, and the werewolf's grandmother, and the werewolf's grandfather's portrait, and the werewolf's grandfather's clock, and the werewolf's grandmother's silverware...
A low earth-shattering rumble arose from the very foundations of the Chamber of Death...
... And they all returned after that to their otherwise happy and healthy lives under the wise and loving guidance of our Almighty and Benevolent Ministry of...
NOOOOOOO!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!! STOP IT NOW YOU SADISTIC BEAST!!!!!
The Veil of Death flew open.