Disclaimer: Time to do some Cinderella now... Just kidding, just kidding... I know when to stop :)

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8. SODOMINI CANES

Inside of the open archway stood Sirius, his ex-handsome face grave and sleepy.

"Why are you disturbing my well-deserved eternal sleep, you pesky mortal?"

"You were snoring."

"That's not a reason to torment my restful spirit, you vengeful, sadistic, necrophilic, literate son of..."

"The pleasure is all mine, Sirius."

"Just plead your case and be gone, you petty living creature."

"I miss you, Sirius."

"I miss you too. Here, take the card: Dear (name). I miss you so much. Truly yours, Sirius Black. Case closed. Have a nice day..."

WAIT!!!

"What else?"

"We all miss you."

"There is a copy machine somewhere in the building."

"Harry misses you too…"

"Make two... no, three additional copies of the card for him personally..."

"You're not the Sirius I knew!!!"

"Of course I'm not. Which reminds me: I've spent enough of my time mixing with you unworthy mortals…"

WAIT!!!

"What, again?!"

"We were lovers, remember?"

"No we weren't. I'm as straight as McGonnagal's spine!!!"

"But..."

"No butts. Just her spine."

"So... That long-long night, in the greenhouses... In our sixth year... When you said you love me... You were lying?"

"Nah. That was Snape who was lying, right behind the mandrake pots. He cast Sodomini Canes on me."

"I didn't notice him."

"Well, I did."

"And you told me nothing?!"

"He cast Confidelius Charm on me. Snivellus Lmtd. Lifetime Warranty."

"So how it happens you can speak about it now?"

"... No death-time warranty included."

"But you were moaning so naturally..."

"I was under a Whimperius Curse. Snivellus Lmtd. Good Customer's Recognition."

"You know, when you kissed me the first time, it was as if all the light of heavens…"

"…that was Snape taking pictures."

"So, everything was just a lie…"

"Well, don't look so disappointed… At least you were the best man in my life."

"How would you know it, if I was the only man in your life?!"

"That's what I'm saying. Now, if you'll excuse me…"

WAIT!!!

"Oh, that's becoming ridiculous… What now?"

"You can't just leave me like that!!!"

"And you can't just pull me out from my warm grave like that!!!"

"…"

"Anyway, it was a very low trick, you know, to torture me with THIS book."

"May I remind you again that that was your gift to me?"

"Oh, have some mercy for a DEAD man's mistakes, ok?"

"Shhh. Don't say that aloud! That's a spoiler!"

"Spoiler?! What is there left of me to be spoiled?!"

"Eh... I mean, for the people who don't now yet you were killed… It could spoil all the surprise for them."

"Oh, sorry. I shall keep my death quiet then. Wouldn't want to ruin anybody's entertainment, would I?"

"Sirius, please... Just calm down…"

"Oh, I'm absolutely calm..."

SO WHAT I AM TO YOU ALL, JUST A BLOODY SPOILER???!!!!

"Uh… well, Sirius… I'd better… What time is it? Oh, it's becoming late. Gotta catch the bed now. An early bird, you know…"

MY TRAGIC UNTIMELY DEMISE JUST A FREAKING SURPRIZE???!!!!

"Good night to you too, Sirius. See you later… Much, much later…"

During all the goodnights Remus J. Lupin managed to take some tactically important backward steps and was now noticeably closer to the exit…

… But not close enough.

WAIT!!! YOU WANTED A SURPRIZE? TAKE THIS THEN!!!

…

…

…

JAMES ISN'T HARRY'S FATHER!!!