Chapter 6: ...But Home Is Nowhere
I wipe my face on my sleeve.
It is so like that day, that day ten years ago, when I remmebered the taste of freedom and choice, where the world was what I made of it. I can not remember the last time I cried like this. Tears are a luxury lost on one such as myself, and I do my best to hide them from this General madman, who watches me in the same way a fox must watch a rabbit. No doubt he thinks me weak. I am not weak. I wish I did not cry. I am supposedly a master of myself, every muscle, every vein. I can't even think of myself without seeing the skeleton. A cradle of life in bone and flesh, filled with toxins and sharp, jagged glass. Treacherous ground, my own territory. I was a fighter once. I used to think of myself as an instrument, a blade. A transportation. A gateway for my accomplishment. I could use it any way I wanted. There were limits, yes, but I was still single, still solid, still at one with myself. My heart pumped it's salty red ocean, keeping time.
Now the flesh and bone is different. Now I am not solid. I am a cloud, twisted and congealed around my skeleton. My spine is so tight with fear that if I am startled I think I will snap. The fear tenses my muscles, taut as pulled bowstrings. Every step is an ordeal.
You can't exist in the world if you have no place.
I have no place in the world. I cannot exist. I feel thin, white, stretched. Afraid. I am dead, then, dead now as I was then, as dead as I was that day ten years ago.
The day I died.
***
I am running with him, holding his hand, pulling, dragging him through the braken, he's only half-awake because of the drugs, so he can't cry out or say anything that might give us away, he doesn't know where he is. The ground is uneven, rocks, dead branches, the smell of damp earth, old leaves, he can't run fast enough. By myself I could run faster, I'm a good runner. I want to carry him but he would be too heavy. I have my boots on and I think, when we reach the water I'll have to take them off, will it be too cold, will he be able to swim that far, what about the current, we weren't expecting this. I think about drowning and I have to slow down. Then the shots come from behind us, loud not like cannons or firecrakers but like dead branches snapping. It sounds wrong. It sounds nothing the way you think it will. I hear a voice call. It says, "down." Is it a real voice or a voice inside my head or my own voice inside my own head or am I speaking out loud?
I pull him to the ground and roll on top of him to cover him, shield him. Quiet, I say, my face is wet from sweat and tears and damp earth, I feel calm and floaty, my heart fit to burst inside my chest and as if I am no longer inside my body. Close to my eyes there's a leaf, red, turned early, and I can see every bright vein. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I ease off, I don't want to smother him, instead I curl around him, breathing him in, my hand over his mouth. There is breath and the pounding of my heart, the pounding of a door at a house at night, where you thought you would be safe. It's all right, I'm here, I say, whisper, please be quiet, but how can he? He's not well, it's too late, we come apart, my arms are held and I feel metal against my temple and then my vision goes dark like the wrong end of a telescope, small but very clear, they're taking him from me, please don't take him from me, I can see them going away, going away from me, he's holding out his hand, being carried away and I scream...It's my fault, it's all my fault...
Ansem. I will never forget that name. You took him from me.
And you may ask yourself, "Am I right? Am I wrong?' And you may tell yourself, "My God! What have I done?"
***
"We cannot delay," Sephiroth said. I wipe my face on my sleeve and start running. The world has moved on. I will move with it.
My feet make hardly any noise as I run through the whitewashed corridors. It's warm for this time of year. Around me the air is stagnant. A see a small razor laying on a table and I grab it as I run past.
Just walk out the front door.
And I am so close, so very close. There my freedom is, two doors not ten feet away. All I must do is walk through them and I am desperate, terrified.
I push them open. They are heavy in my hands.
I am outside.
Sephiroth looks at me, then takes two steps in front, cautious. He has a sword. In my druk-like state, I hardly wondered just how the hell he had managed that. The sky is clear but hard to make out because of the searchlights. I can taste the night breeze, a wild thing in my mouth that tears at my lips and teeth. The moon is out and shines on me. A new moon, a wishing moon, a godess, a wink, a stone, full of deadly hardware and turning the shadow I sought against me, but oh God, how beautiful.
"Alexiel?! What are you doing here?"
I whirl around. It is McCoy. Sephiroth draws his sword, it hisses like a hungry snake as it leaves its sheath. But even he is not as fast as I that night. He was not as fast as I am free, and for that I am horrified to this day...
The razor left my hands before I know it, burying itself into McCoy's fleshy throat.
It took him what seemed forever to fall.
The General looks at me curiously. I think I have surprised him.
I have killed him.
I am trembling. I feel like the sound of glass. I feel like the word shatter. And I do cry then, for the darkness in my heart, for my shock and horror, silent tears that slip down my cheeks. I have killed him. I have killed him. The reality punches my face again and again. In my ears I hear a howl- is God screaming at me? I am dammed and I am dead. My heart aches so much I could die.
I walk over to the body. And I swear I looked into those eyes, permanently open, permanently closed to the world, still unseeing in horror. His eyes are burned out like flash bulbs. With every second, his face grows more and more twisted, more demonic, more grotesque. Where is that screaming coming from? I stare into the face longer and longer, although my mind screams for it to stop.
We've all lost our place in the world, like kites with no strings or tails...
This is it. I'm dammed. I'm running with the devil. I've sold my soul.
And you may ask yourself, "Am I right? Am I wrong?' And you may tell yourself, "My God... What have I done..."
***
AN: Wooo! Another chapter! And now- accepting anonymous reviews! C'mon people, I really do live off them. Thanks so much to those who have already jumped the gun on that one! Next chapter- Alexiel is free, but it came with a price she wasn't willing to pay. And even worse, her-+ partner in crime is having the worst time cooperating...
I wipe my face on my sleeve.
It is so like that day, that day ten years ago, when I remmebered the taste of freedom and choice, where the world was what I made of it. I can not remember the last time I cried like this. Tears are a luxury lost on one such as myself, and I do my best to hide them from this General madman, who watches me in the same way a fox must watch a rabbit. No doubt he thinks me weak. I am not weak. I wish I did not cry. I am supposedly a master of myself, every muscle, every vein. I can't even think of myself without seeing the skeleton. A cradle of life in bone and flesh, filled with toxins and sharp, jagged glass. Treacherous ground, my own territory. I was a fighter once. I used to think of myself as an instrument, a blade. A transportation. A gateway for my accomplishment. I could use it any way I wanted. There were limits, yes, but I was still single, still solid, still at one with myself. My heart pumped it's salty red ocean, keeping time.
Now the flesh and bone is different. Now I am not solid. I am a cloud, twisted and congealed around my skeleton. My spine is so tight with fear that if I am startled I think I will snap. The fear tenses my muscles, taut as pulled bowstrings. Every step is an ordeal.
You can't exist in the world if you have no place.
I have no place in the world. I cannot exist. I feel thin, white, stretched. Afraid. I am dead, then, dead now as I was then, as dead as I was that day ten years ago.
The day I died.
I pull him to the ground and roll on top of him to cover him, shield him. Quiet, I say, my face is wet from sweat and tears and damp earth, I feel calm and floaty, my heart fit to burst inside my chest and as if I am no longer inside my body. Close to my eyes there's a leaf, red, turned early, and I can see every bright vein. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I ease off, I don't want to smother him, instead I curl around him, breathing him in, my hand over his mouth. There is breath and the pounding of my heart, the pounding of a door at a house at night, where you thought you would be safe. It's all right, I'm here, I say, whisper, please be quiet, but how can he? He's not well, it's too late, we come apart, my arms are held and I feel metal against my temple and then my vision goes dark like the wrong end of a telescope, small but very clear, they're taking him from me, please don't take him from me, I can see them going away, going away from me, he's holding out his hand, being carried away and I scream...It's my fault, it's all my fault...
Ansem. I will never forget that name. You took him from me.
And you may ask yourself, "Am I right? Am I wrong?' And you may tell yourself, "My God! What have I done?"
"We cannot delay," Sephiroth said. I wipe my face on my sleeve and start running. The world has moved on. I will move with it.
My feet make hardly any noise as I run through the whitewashed corridors. It's warm for this time of year. Around me the air is stagnant. A see a small razor laying on a table and I grab it as I run past.
Just walk out the front door.
And I am so close, so very close. There my freedom is, two doors not ten feet away. All I must do is walk through them and I am desperate, terrified.
I push them open. They are heavy in my hands.
I am outside.
Sephiroth looks at me, then takes two steps in front, cautious. He has a sword. In my druk-like state, I hardly wondered just how the hell he had managed that. The sky is clear but hard to make out because of the searchlights. I can taste the night breeze, a wild thing in my mouth that tears at my lips and teeth. The moon is out and shines on me. A new moon, a wishing moon, a godess, a wink, a stone, full of deadly hardware and turning the shadow I sought against me, but oh God, how beautiful.
"Alexiel?! What are you doing here?"
I whirl around. It is McCoy. Sephiroth draws his sword, it hisses like a hungry snake as it leaves its sheath. But even he is not as fast as I that night. He was not as fast as I am free, and for that I am horrified to this day...
The razor left my hands before I know it, burying itself into McCoy's fleshy throat.
It took him what seemed forever to fall.
The General looks at me curiously. I think I have surprised him.
I have killed him.
I am trembling. I feel like the sound of glass. I feel like the word shatter. And I do cry then, for the darkness in my heart, for my shock and horror, silent tears that slip down my cheeks. I have killed him. I have killed him. The reality punches my face again and again. In my ears I hear a howl- is God screaming at me? I am dammed and I am dead. My heart aches so much I could die.
I walk over to the body. And I swear I looked into those eyes, permanently open, permanently closed to the world, still unseeing in horror. His eyes are burned out like flash bulbs. With every second, his face grows more and more twisted, more demonic, more grotesque. Where is that screaming coming from? I stare into the face longer and longer, although my mind screams for it to stop.
We've all lost our place in the world, like kites with no strings or tails...
This is it. I'm dammed. I'm running with the devil. I've sold my soul.
And you may ask yourself, "Am I right? Am I wrong?' And you may tell yourself, "My God... What have I done..."
AN: Wooo! Another chapter! And now- accepting anonymous reviews! C'mon people, I really do live off them. Thanks so much to those who have already jumped the gun on that one! Next chapter- Alexiel is free, but it came with a price she wasn't willing to pay. And even worse, her-+ partner in crime is having the worst time cooperating...