Chapter Three: What Hell Must Be Like

"What is the meaning of this?" cried an elderly man, hardly able to believe that he had just been sprayed with sacred liquid of the church.

"Uh-oh…" Yami said slowly, viewing the damage that had been done to a fellow citizen.

"Way to go, Pharaoh!" snickered the spirit of the ring, crossing his arms in front of himself. "You splashed a staff member!"

Feeling the temperature rise in his cheeks to a very uncomfortable level, the king of the Nile quickly apologized for his actions. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were standing there, and--"

"Do you think this is some kind of playground for you, Spirit?" Yugi broke in, appearing to be even more distressed by Yugioh's demeanor than the actual victim of the two Egyptians' horseplay.

"No, but--"

"But what, Yami?" interrupted the shorter teen impatiently, looking at his aibou with troubled eyes. "What excuse could you possibly come up with that would justify getting a priest wet?"

"He--this guy--this person is a priest?" sputtered the master duelist, finally understanding his hikari's apprehension.

"No, of course not." Bakura chimed in during random bursts of chuckling. "He's just some cute older male in drag who--"

"Well that certainly explains a lot to me." the ruby-eyed person commented, eyeing the drenched individual that was bearing all-white attire. "I thought that was a dress he had on, but I didn't want to say anything."

"Those are robes!" corrected the schoolboy, chastising the ignorant adults as best as he could. "Not a dress! Robes!" he repeated, greatly emphasizing his main point.

"You had me fooled there for a while." the white-haired demon whispered to the other Egyptian, speaking directly into his friend's ear.

"I know!" the gothic haired person whispered back, dumbfounded by the odd clothing arrangement that the elderly man displayed. "He looks like he's prancing around in one of Chi's costumes!"

"You mean that girl from Chobits?"

"Yeah!" exclaimed the ruby-eyed male quietly, smiling a bit as he spoke. "Am I right, or am I right?"

"Sorta, but the drab material reminds me more of those things mortals use to close their windows."

"Oh, you mean drapes?" offered the ruler of the Nile, his crimson orbs dancing animatedly.

"Right on!" agreed Bakura, pointing an index finger at his ally in recognition. "That's exactly what I was thinking of!"

"That's pretty funny!"

"Not to me." snapped a young voice, terribly shamed by his companion's conduct.

"Or me." retorted the leader of the congregation, wiping another runnel of water from his face. "In all of my thirty five years of priesthood, I've never--I mean ever--had to deal with anything like this."

Masking his own anger with a sweet smile, Yugi asked gently, "Is there anything I can do for you, Father?"

"Haven't you done enough already?" responded the reverend in a hostile tone, shooting the millennium spirits a dark glare. Like two small children, the Egyptians shrank behind the Japanese child, clearly wanting the hikari to take the heat off of them. Keeping a weary eye on the cowering individuals, the man turned to one of the alter boys and ordered, "Luke, I want you to inform the parishioners that there will be a slight delay for this afternoon's mass. And as for me--" glancing over his saturated garments, he shook his head sadly. "I'll be in my living quarters finding something more--suitable, I suppose."

Turning in the opposite direction of the choir stage, the minister left the premises in a fast-paced walk. His trail of cream-colored clothes vanished from sight as he disappeared through a glass door, leaving a procession of stunned candle bearers, assistants, and veteran churchgoers in his wake.

"There, are you happy now?" asked the purple-eyed boy, feeling his self-control slip farther and farther away every time he addressed the heathens. "You just caused a problem so bad that every person in this cathedral is going to have to wait until the pastor feels like returning!"

"Um, it--it's not that serious." Yami tried to reason, unsure of what to come up with so that his hikari would return to his normal cheery self. Upon watching his aibou's expression shift from anxious to enraged, the spirit of the puzzle dropped his head between his shoulders. "I'm sorry, Yugi."

"You ought to be more than that." chastised the shorter male, still gravely displeased with his alter ego.

"But why?" whined the Egyptian king, appearing to be injured by the boy's terrible remark. "I'm even taking the blame for Bakura, too!"

"And that's what friends are for." smiled the snowy-haired male, content with the fact that his lighter half wasn't there to scold him like a kid in elementary school.

"Maybe I should tell Ryou what you've been up to." threatened the spirit of the puzzle, aggravated that his playmate was getting off scot-free without even hearing so much as a single word of displeasure. "If he knew what Yugi and I did, then you'd be in an even worse situation than I'm in at the moment."

"Go ahead!" invited the audacious person with silver tresses as he gestured with a ready arm. Spreading the limb in front of himself, he proceeded to say, "Go on and do it! Ryou's like a kitten when he's with me alone! Practically harmless, if you ask me! He probably wouldn't even give this matter a second thought--"

"You want to run that by me again?" a voice from out of nowhere suddenly inquired, stopping the tomb robber's extreme embellishments in their tracks.

Immediately recognizing the British accent, the spirit of the ring stuttered, "Ah, Ryou! I--I, um, uh, hum--really missed you! What--why did you take so long in the restroom? I got really--huh, er--worried!"

Leaning his head to the side, the brown-eyed boy listened to his counterpart, a grown, age-old individual who was attempting to justify his rude behavior with fanciful fabrications. Underneath his calm and collected exterior, the sennen couple knew that he was stark raving mad at his alter ego. They could see the flecks of anger dance crazily in his dark orbs, adding quite a forbidding aura of energy to the usually benevolent and lovable schoolboy. Briefly, the puzzle bonded twins speculated which of the white-haired males was the true asshole of the relationship.

Bakura was notorious for being a bitter bastard, a nasty soul who never did a favor for someone unless he had something extravagant to gain out of the deal. Being known as a wicked hellcat was a title he seemed to love dearly, for it was a reputation he proudly exhibited whenever he caught himself being remotely courteous. But then there was the other child, the sweet silent one that seemed to be nothing more than an adorable angel…

Honestly, that was exactly what Ryou had the capacity to be--most of the time. For those of his friends who knew him best, they all comprehended that the snowy-haired teen was capable of more than shutting up and taking his yami's abusive manners. His temper was an abominable force to be reckoned with, a degree of rage that was so high that even the spirit of the ring found himself recoiling from his hikari's stressed feelings. One of them was outwardly evil, while the other chose to be more discreet about their emotional outbursts--until they were so overcome with fury that the dams in their head burst open, flooding their present landscape with intolerable amounts of pure wrath.

/Maybe Joey was right…/ thought the spiky-haired child, taking an involuntary step backwards from what felt like a potential combat zone. /It's always the quiet ones who we should fear the most…/

Thankfully bringing his darker half's sputter session to a close, Ryou calmly said, "Oh. How thoughtful and considerate of you to think of me while I was gone."

Exchanging glances of utter disbelief, the two gothic haired males mouthed in unison, "No way!"

Cupping his hands over his lips, Yugi whispered to his aibou, "Well this is totally unprecedented."

"I thought Bakura would be dead by now." admitted the puzzle spirit, shooting the silvery-haired males a nervous glance. He kept a ruby eye on his allies, still half-expecting them to go to war with one another.

"That could still happen, though."

"Yeah," agreed Yami, nodding at his hikari's words. "Ryou looks pissed enough to tie his millennium spirit to the alter and drown him in holy water."

"Thanks for the idea, Pharaoh. That's a good one there."

"Hm? What is?"

"Getting you barbarically baptized."

"But why?" asked the taller person, fearing the wrath of his own counterpart. "What'd I do wrong this time?"

"Something's gotta work in cleansing that filthy mouth of yours." the purple-eyed boy said, turning away from his white-haired friends.

"But it was just one word!" protested Yugioh, acting as if he had absolutely no control over what he vocalized.

"That makes it one word too many, Spirit."

"What ever happened to freedom of speech in America?"

"You're in a church!" reminded Yugi, wagging that ever-ready index finger at his companion. "How can you keep making the same mistake over and over again, even after I told you to knock it off?"

"Maybe I'm just slow?" suggested Yami sheepishly, feeling a bit of heat in his cheeks.

"Either that, or you haven't figured out how to listen yet."

"That was harsh, Yugi."

"If you don't want to be introduced to my temper, I highly recommend you find a chair and put yourself in it." ordered the gothic-haired teen, pointing to a patch of unoccupied seating quarters.

"There's nothing like being under the dictatorship of a kid fresh from the fifth grade." grumbled the millennium spirit, giving his lighter half a terrible glare.

"Eleventh grade!" corrected the shorter individual, despising the proverbial insult that everyone threw at him. "I'm starting eleventh grade this year!"

"Doesn't show a bit." mumbled the taller male to himself.

"What was that?"

Judging by the look on his aibou's visage, Yami could tell that he heard the impertinent reply. "Nothing." responded the ruby-eyed pharaoh darkly, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Nothing at all."

"Then move." ordered the hikari, hastily gesturing to their new destination. "I don't want to stand here all day, you know."

Very reluctantly, the alter ego began to pull himself in the direction of Yugi's choice. He dragged his feet and stared at the plush carpet below, idly contemplating who cracked the whip in their relationship. As the dim realization set in that his lighter half was more dominant than he was, the Egyptian moved like an unruly teenager through the aisles, feeling very confined and claustrophobic.

"I'd rather be going at Kaiba's throat right now than hanging out in some fortress of solitude." sighed the millennium spirit wistfully, gazing at the huge double doors of the church with incredible longing. Suddenly, he felt a terrible rap against his forehead. Squealing in surprised pain, Pharaoh whined, "Oww! What the hell was that for?"

Without even a mere hesitation, the petite adolescent smacked his counterpart in the same location once more. "Oh, stop your whining!" demanded the schoolboy, matching Ryou's legendary temper point for point. "You know you're not supposed to use grotesque speech here!" Reinforcing his seemingly endless admonishment, the young teen smacked the taller male with the flat of his palm again. "That also goes for swearing, too! When are you ever going to learn from your errors, Yami? Do I have to hold your hand like a little kid every place we go so I can keep you out of trouble? I just don't know what--"

"To do with me?" finished the bored counterpart, expressing a complete look of disinterest towards his friend.

Dismissing the offered words of his millennium spirit, the gothic-haired boy continued to rant away. "Honest to God, Pharaoh! I can't keep covering for you every time you screw up!"

"That's cutting it close in the bad language department, Yugi." the king of the Nile warned, mimicking his lighter half's agitated voice. "You know we can't say stuff like that here."

"Anyways," lectured the shorter individual, totally ignoring his alter ego's sarcasm, "you're over five thousand years of age! Haven't you learned any manners in all your years of existence? Why do you have to torment me like this? It doesn't matter where we are, what we're doing, or who we're around, I always have to stop and reprimand you as if you were my son! Christ almighty, help me through this! Sometimes I can't tell whether I'm speaking with a mature adult--"

"--Or rearing a child!" someone in back of the puzzle bonded duo roared, their angry British accent reverberating off of the formerly somber church walls. "Dear spirits, would it kill you to act your age once in a while? Must you make a mockery out of even sacred places like this?"

Astonished by the similar-sounding dialogue, the sennen pair caught a glimpse of their snowy-haired allies approaching, the duo of ring-bonded males appearing to be very hostile with each other as they drifted across the floorboards. They arrived in a fashion almost identical to the gothic-haired couple's, Bakura scowling and tossing rancorous remarks back at his counterpart, while Ryou forced him on ahead, providing the lilac-eyed person with a sermon long enough to put the pope to shame. Marching ahead of his lighter half, the spirit of the ring gave everyone around them the impression that he was a criminal on death row. He held his hands behind his back, mirroring what children in elementary school had to do when they walked down the halls with their teacher. If looks could kill, the mouthy hikari would've died twenty times over already.

Halting beside a set of benches, the snowy-haired child berated, "And I never want to see you using holy water as fuel for a self-generated pistol again! Do you hear me, Bakua? Never!"

"We were just playing, though!" protested the white-haired individual, miraculously holding his own weight in his companion's presence. "We didn't mean anything by it!"

"I thought you had enough common sense to realize that you aren't supposed to horse around in a church!"

"Even still, we didn't know what the stuff was!"

"So that gives you the divine right to turn a sanctified substance into a sprinkler system?"

Raising his palms to the brown-eyed boy, Bakura began to object, but decided against it. Instead, he let his arms fall to his sides, bowing his head in defeat. As much as he hated to admit it, Ryou was right. The little God freak was right about everything. For some insane reason, that made the millennium spirit even more upset at his hikari than he had ever been before. He hated someone out-witting him, completely despised it when a mere mortal had a better command of the art of sarcasm than he did. All he was able to do at the moment was glower menacingly at his companion while gritting his teeth.

"Aw, man!" Yami piped up, unaware of what his next few statements would cost him. "You got told!"

"Shut-up, Pharaoh!" snapped the tomb robber bitterly, turning his dirty look on the gothic-haired male. "Just shut-up!"

"Your ass is so dead, though!"

"You mean like yours happens to be now?" Yugi inquired, giving his alter ego his most vile expression yet.

Immediately fearing another heavy hit delivered by his friend, the taller individual swiftly draped his arms over his head for protection. "Wah, I'm sorry! Don't deck me, please!"

"Put your hands down, Spirit!" commanded the shorter boy, wishing that the clergymen and nuns would stop giving them disapproving stares.

"But I don't wanna get slammed again!"

"Yami, stop it! You are embarrassing me!"

"I don't mean to, it's just that--"

Interrupting the pathetic statements of his counterpart, the schoolboy growled, "I'm not going to hurt you, okay? Just stop already!"

Meekly complying with his hikari's demands, the taller male lowered his limbs slowly. "You mean it?" asked Pharaoh cautiously, still waiting for the moment when his friend would rear back and lay one on him.

Sighing into the heavens, the gothic-haired boy said, "Yes, I do. I won't smack you anymore."

"Not even if I have it coming?"

"Not even then." repeated Yugi after the king of the Nile with a slight smile on his lips. As he watched a grateful grin begin to blossom on his yami's mouth, the shorter teen said sharply, "Don't be too quick to thank me though. That little slip of your tongue just cost you a week of no video games."

"Whaa--?" cried Pharaoh, shocked by the cruel punishment.

"That's right!" continued the high school student, pushing his darker half into a vacant chair. "No PC, console, or simulated reality games from today all the way to next Sunday."

"But Yugi," complained the puzzle spirit in desperation, his face distraught, "Kaiba just updated all of his duel deck systems! How am I going to stay ahead of everyone if I don't practice?"

"You should of thought of that before you came up with those stupid phrases." snapped Bakura, his tone of voice absolutely sinister.

"Don't act so high and mighty yourself, there." Ryou joined in, folding his arms in front of himself. "You've got the same consequences coming to you."

"He's the one who said it, not me!" griped the white-haired individual, widening his lilac eyes. "Why do I have to get disciplined for something he spouted off?"

"First of all," explained Ryou, fixing his companion with an unpleasant gaze, "I'm not penalizing you for Yami's mistakes because that's what Yugi's job is. Secondly, you're guilty of the same exact offenses that he committed! And thirdly--"

"They were just some minor mishaps, Hikari! I--"

"Thirdly," the pale pupil went on, daring his alter ego to cut him off again with a nasty expression, "you're older than I am! People your age shouldn't even have to be disciplined!"

"Amen to that." Pharaoh threw out, impersonating the disposition of a preacher.

Lightening up some, the lilac-eyed person added, "And hallelujah, brother."

"Just shut-up and sit down already!" yelled the schoolboys together, capturing some nearby people's attention as they furiously extended their limbs to where they wanted their alter egos to be.

"Man, it's like we have twin Hitlers for friends." commented Yugioh, sliding into the spot at the end of the row.

"Yeah, like a couple of child Nazis." agreed Bakura, joining his ally in a nearby position. "This must be the Catholic version of a concentration camp."

"Uh-huh, some sort of torture chamber for the strangely devout ones."

"So," asked the white-haired person casually, leaning in towards the puzzle spirit, "when do you think they're going to gas us?"

Drawing in a large breath of air, the other Egyptian held it for a few seconds, and then dispelled the oxygen dramatically. "Hopefully sometime soon, Bakura-san…hopefully sometime really soon."

Curving his torso over the lower half of his frame, the king of the Nile planted an elbow on his leg and stretched out his hand. He flopped his head onto his open palm, felt the volume of his tri-colored strands on his fingers, and closed his eyes.

/So this is what hell must be like…/ thought the Egyptian king, feeling sorry for himself as he pondered his reasons for letting his hikari take him to such a solemn setting. /No wonder everyone speaks about that fiery region so bad--because they don't want to end up in a catacomb like this. /