"And there, in the savage forests, I encountered the great spotted
Afinogenov's wiggly toad. He was a ferocious fellow, and took my party by
surprise. The blighter well nigh digested one of my boots before I was
able to get a shot off. But I got him, right as rain and without any pain.
Clean and merciful, that's how I like to bag my quarry, if it's at all
possible. Oh, the delightful savagery, Julian. I strongly urge you to
safari, it's quite invigorating."
Robotnik had taken to automatically nodding every twenty seconds. He kept himself awake by biting his lip and thinking about several creative ways of dispatching Snively and the hedgehog. Uncle Walter just never shut up about his hunting trips. Of course the animals he hunted were rather formidable, as there were still a few unsettled regions of that island. It was just that Ivo really, really didn't care to hear about it.
"Then, of course, was the dreaded Sbadovian half-crested wombat. Even the bravest of the brave, and good friends of mine, Sir George Eisherdeisher the Third and J. Leonard Muxbury, Esquire of course, refused to track such a creature. Quite simply, it was the fiercest creature I ever encountered in all my years of exploration."
"You don't say." You don't speak, was more what he'd wanted to demand but couldn't. About every third animal just happened to be the fiercest creature that Sir Walter had ever encountered in all his years of exhalation of these tales. He'd probably haunt Robotnik as a ghost just to persist in the pomposity.
"That rascal had fangs large enough to cut through the largest tree trunk in any jungle in the world! I distinctly remember him coming at my jugular with a horrifically high leap, defiant of the laws of physiology! Or physics, or whatever that field of the sciences might be, if I do dare muse on such things. That would more or less be the area you take up anyways, overly large as it is." His voice decreased in volume over this last sentence as his mind floated off on this tangent. "Where was I? Oh, yes, the wombat. Harrumph!" The sudden crescendo indicated his snapping back to the story at hand, as it always did when it didn't mean he was irritated at something.
There was no rebuking this uncle of his, however. The strict windbag would always override or berate him whenever he had tried as a child, as he was used to simply bulling his way towards any goals he set, out of the blue more often than not. This was the one man Robotnik could not strike at. He was simply too large of a personality. The lingering respect and fear for this man would be sufficient to keep him safe from any attempt possibly made on his life.
"Well, the little bugger came at my neck, and I was barely able to get my forearm up in time to deflect the blow. His canine teeth were so large, they couldn't get around me arm or even bite it. Huh hah! Evolution, indeed. If you ask me, God has a sense of humor creating some of these lower beasts. Anyhow. After knocking him away, I had my blunderbuss all set to do that wombat in as he scampered off, but the rascal had put up such a fight, it dawned on me that he should live for another day..."
He remembered half-snoozing through such lectures as a child, when the man would prattle on and on about such wild beasts every time he came to visit. There were plenty of species he'd killed and made into trophies, all of them animals without any soul that lacked the intelligence speak or move or pretend to be humans like those Knothole brats. Robotnik would rather face a billion of them right now...
A rude alarm sound shoved its way into his thoughts, accompanied by Cluck's metallic voice over the intercom.
"Sir! Hedgehog, priority one! Located in sector six!"
"Set the standard full security alert," Robotnik fired back into the intercom. Absolutely impeccable timing. He sometimes wondered if his sheer intellect emitted mind waves that enabled the rodent to hear what he was thinking and know exactly the most opportune time to strike. Perhaps a useful experiment to look into.
"Brrupf! Of all the nerve, interrupting family conversations."
"Uh, it's the hedgehog, sir. He's a deep threat to all of my plans, for, um, King Acorn's work for me."
"Hedgehog, my dear lad? What in the world causes you to drum out the entire Fifth Brigade for one person?"
Robotnik didn't even feel like reciting all the ways that the rebel had been a thorn in his side, much less figuring out a lie for it all. And now his uncle stared at him expectantly, and would reprimand him for not answering in three, two, one -
"Come, now, boy! Speak when you're spoken to and all that. There's more than one side to that equation." Like a clock. There had to be something he could do -
Well. It really, really wasn't what he wanted to do, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Who knew, it might hurt his mortal enemy in some way he couldn't even fathom.
"He's a family friend, sir. The nephew of Sir Charles Hedgehog. Coming back from abroad, uh, and we just want to make sure the army with him is indeed ours and not, er, the enemy's." Rats. Now he'd have to explain all of that.
"Indeed. That's quite a big show. How is Sir Charles, anyway?"
"Deceased, I'm afraid." Close enough. "I forget the younger Hedgehog's name, offhand; it's been so long."
"Terribly sorry to hear of it. So, shall there be a ceremony for the younger Hedgehog's safe return?"
"Well, uh..." No, no, no. It would all go to pieces if the two actually met...or would it? "...as a matter of fact, certainly. King Acorn is unfortunately out of town at the moment, and so it's left to me to greet him and his army. I am the Secretary of War, you know." So far, so good. "In fact, I ought to meet him myself before introducing you to him." Yes, both the blasted rodent and his uncle had those worrisome convictions known as morals. They'd be best buddies, and out of Robotnik's face, hopefully for a long time.
"Ah. I see. Well, well, I ought to let you hail this fine young chap. I must say, I shall be delighted to meet him. He was only a little tyke when I last saw him, but every bit the strong, good fellow I imagined him to be. And let me tell you, a word of warning, Julian, some of these politicians are more than willing to do anything, and I mean anything, to achieve their own selfish goals. Don't let them stand in your way, young lad. Why, I remember the days of yore when I had to weed my way through the most flippantly filibustering fops I've ever seen."
"Yes, sir, I'm aware of it, sir," Robotnik cut in, preventing Sir Walter from going further. What a nuisance. Preventing a frown from etching itself upon his lips, Robotnik shook hands formally, yet a bit vigorously for his liking, and proceeded to the control room.
***************
"Heh, toast." That last SWATbot to fall by Sonic's acrobatics also happened to just barely fulfill his quota for the day. Sonic really hadn't come here on a mission today, except to check in on Uncle Chuck and make sure there wasn't anything too dastardly going on in 'Buttnik's brain. He'd even brought Tails along for the ride to have a little fun with his mechanical skills. Sonic had taken care to pick a factory where his little bro could hide and do stuff without being spotted.
There really hadn't been much to report, except that an individual had turned himself in this morning claiming to be a relative of Robotnik's. That wasn't a very smart idea, whomever it was. Robotnik would probably be out to get rid of anybody related to him, especially since Snively had defected to the Freedom Fighters. Uncle Chuck hadn't seen any prisoners in the cells with the computer doohickey scan. Robotnik had taken care of him by now. It was a bit of a bummer to jet out of here on.
Now, was there one of those stupid flying spycams around? One good razz to the Eggman was always a nice note to get out of here on. Usually, in this quaintly dilapidated section of town, a bunch of them flew around aimlessly, and one of them had probably already seen him, else the SWATs wouldn't have come bothering him.
"Hey, buzzards! Come over here and say hi!" he yelled out, not really caring if it meant more SWATbots. He was jetting out of here regardless. Weird...the spycams were kinda slow on the uptake today. Sonic stood for a bit, tapping his toe.
Finally, one toddled its way around a corner, caught his attention, and swept in as if it was indeed interested in a piece of advice he had to give it. Yeah, like 'Get a life and stop following people,' was the advice he'd give it. Heh, that was one he'd save for the Knothole gang. It was too hilarious.
"Looks like you're slacking off! I didn't even break a sweat on you today, maybe you'll just have to get off your tubby butt and get me yourself!"
"Listen to me, fool. My wish was not to kill you or even harm you, not today at least. On the contrary, rodent...I have a proposition," buzzed the spycam, relaying its owner's words with an intercom. Odd - he sounded a little less angry with him today. In fact, there really wasn't a whole lot of malice at all behind the message.
"Oh, yeah? What's that?" he asked back, wary of a sneak attack of some sort and figuring that maybe 'Buttnik had finally figured out a good comeback to throw at him.
"Well...it's rather hard to describe in words. I have a problem, and I think you might be interested in, er...*cough* a bit of an alliance. A temporary truce, if you will." A few nasty seconds past. "Helping me with this, you idiot, that's what I mean." What was this guy doing, asking for help on homework or something? "If you'd be willing to help out, I'm willing to reach an agreement with you to give you anything you wish - within reason, of course."
"...Riiiight. And the Tooth Fairy likes giving out Christmas presents. What the crud are you talking about?"
"You have no idea, hedgehog," the spycam blurted. "Have you ever had someone drop in that you can't stand in the least and you just want desperately to get rid of them?"
"Well, not really, but you've made it totally clear to me over the past ten years that you do."
"No, you nitwit, that's not what I meant. More like someone of importance."
"Gee, thanks, I think you're special, too."
There was a grunt made at this. "Listen, rodent! I have no desire to waste time with your inane remarks. My uncle has taken it upon himself to visit and he makes my life miserable! I need you to take him off my hands."
All Sonic could do at this was raise an eyebrow. "Say what?"
"Do I have to explain everything to everyone twice?!" The voice had shrunk in volume to a whisper and had become almost panicky. "How can I rule the world if he's going to badger and bore me to tears every day? Do this, Julian, you're fat, Julian, you should speak when you're spoken to, as I did in the days of the Boring War, Julian. It drives a man mad." As if he wasn't utterly insane already. "He's a good hunter, so you could use him to get food or something. I won't shoot him, heaven forbid I even try, even if I wanted to."
Okay, this was entirely too much information. Sonic came fairly close to actually feeling sorry for him. Although he still suspected some sort of trick in the back of his mind, 'Buttnik really sounded scared of this uncle of his.
A smile came to his lips. This was going to be good.
"Okay...and what else am I getting out of this again?" Sal would be all over him if he could pull one over on 'Buttnik, especially if it was a gimme like this. Tails would think it was awesome, too. At the very least, it'd be funny to see out. And besides, if - no, make that when - he got double-crossed on this, he'd bail before Robotnik could get out that dumb 'ha, ha, I got you' laugh of his.
"Anything within reason. That I assure you. Just meet me outside the main building, and I will provide details. SWATbots will give you clearance." Well, he didn't expect the Eggman to follow through on that, but this was too good in itself to pass up anyways. What a story he'd have for Sally and the gang when he got back.
"Heh, and just where are you going to find more of those? I just bashed them all to pieces."
A slight rumble caught Sonic's ear as he finished saying this. It gradually became louder over a few seconds' time, accompanied by a lot of metallic clanks and clicks, and culminated in several SWATbots streaming steadily out of various nooks and crannies. Several even tripped over their comrades' feet and fell clumsily to the ground in this twisted version of one of those tiny clown cars with a million clowns in them.
Apparently he hadn't bashed all of them to pieces.
Now he was beginning to freak out a bit. Either 'Buttnik thought this was a sick joke or he was dead serious about getting this unwanted guest off his back. Whoever it was must be something else out of left field if he could bring a ruthless tyrant to his knees like this. Before Sonic could even stand defensively and think of an attack, one of the SWATs droned out the obligatory obvious assessment of things. Except this time, it was slightly different.
"PRIORITY ONE, HEDGEHOG. SPECIAL GUEST OF ROBOTNIK. ESCORT TO COMMAND CENTRAL, BY ORDER OF ROBOTNIK."
As if there weren't absolutely too many robots for him to plow through and so make an exit. Sonic took a deep breath and nodded, hoping that he wasn't dreaming this, or he'd be pretty miffed with his imagination if and when he woke up.
Robotnik had taken to automatically nodding every twenty seconds. He kept himself awake by biting his lip and thinking about several creative ways of dispatching Snively and the hedgehog. Uncle Walter just never shut up about his hunting trips. Of course the animals he hunted were rather formidable, as there were still a few unsettled regions of that island. It was just that Ivo really, really didn't care to hear about it.
"Then, of course, was the dreaded Sbadovian half-crested wombat. Even the bravest of the brave, and good friends of mine, Sir George Eisherdeisher the Third and J. Leonard Muxbury, Esquire of course, refused to track such a creature. Quite simply, it was the fiercest creature I ever encountered in all my years of exploration."
"You don't say." You don't speak, was more what he'd wanted to demand but couldn't. About every third animal just happened to be the fiercest creature that Sir Walter had ever encountered in all his years of exhalation of these tales. He'd probably haunt Robotnik as a ghost just to persist in the pomposity.
"That rascal had fangs large enough to cut through the largest tree trunk in any jungle in the world! I distinctly remember him coming at my jugular with a horrifically high leap, defiant of the laws of physiology! Or physics, or whatever that field of the sciences might be, if I do dare muse on such things. That would more or less be the area you take up anyways, overly large as it is." His voice decreased in volume over this last sentence as his mind floated off on this tangent. "Where was I? Oh, yes, the wombat. Harrumph!" The sudden crescendo indicated his snapping back to the story at hand, as it always did when it didn't mean he was irritated at something.
There was no rebuking this uncle of his, however. The strict windbag would always override or berate him whenever he had tried as a child, as he was used to simply bulling his way towards any goals he set, out of the blue more often than not. This was the one man Robotnik could not strike at. He was simply too large of a personality. The lingering respect and fear for this man would be sufficient to keep him safe from any attempt possibly made on his life.
"Well, the little bugger came at my neck, and I was barely able to get my forearm up in time to deflect the blow. His canine teeth were so large, they couldn't get around me arm or even bite it. Huh hah! Evolution, indeed. If you ask me, God has a sense of humor creating some of these lower beasts. Anyhow. After knocking him away, I had my blunderbuss all set to do that wombat in as he scampered off, but the rascal had put up such a fight, it dawned on me that he should live for another day..."
He remembered half-snoozing through such lectures as a child, when the man would prattle on and on about such wild beasts every time he came to visit. There were plenty of species he'd killed and made into trophies, all of them animals without any soul that lacked the intelligence speak or move or pretend to be humans like those Knothole brats. Robotnik would rather face a billion of them right now...
A rude alarm sound shoved its way into his thoughts, accompanied by Cluck's metallic voice over the intercom.
"Sir! Hedgehog, priority one! Located in sector six!"
"Set the standard full security alert," Robotnik fired back into the intercom. Absolutely impeccable timing. He sometimes wondered if his sheer intellect emitted mind waves that enabled the rodent to hear what he was thinking and know exactly the most opportune time to strike. Perhaps a useful experiment to look into.
"Brrupf! Of all the nerve, interrupting family conversations."
"Uh, it's the hedgehog, sir. He's a deep threat to all of my plans, for, um, King Acorn's work for me."
"Hedgehog, my dear lad? What in the world causes you to drum out the entire Fifth Brigade for one person?"
Robotnik didn't even feel like reciting all the ways that the rebel had been a thorn in his side, much less figuring out a lie for it all. And now his uncle stared at him expectantly, and would reprimand him for not answering in three, two, one -
"Come, now, boy! Speak when you're spoken to and all that. There's more than one side to that equation." Like a clock. There had to be something he could do -
Well. It really, really wasn't what he wanted to do, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Who knew, it might hurt his mortal enemy in some way he couldn't even fathom.
"He's a family friend, sir. The nephew of Sir Charles Hedgehog. Coming back from abroad, uh, and we just want to make sure the army with him is indeed ours and not, er, the enemy's." Rats. Now he'd have to explain all of that.
"Indeed. That's quite a big show. How is Sir Charles, anyway?"
"Deceased, I'm afraid." Close enough. "I forget the younger Hedgehog's name, offhand; it's been so long."
"Terribly sorry to hear of it. So, shall there be a ceremony for the younger Hedgehog's safe return?"
"Well, uh..." No, no, no. It would all go to pieces if the two actually met...or would it? "...as a matter of fact, certainly. King Acorn is unfortunately out of town at the moment, and so it's left to me to greet him and his army. I am the Secretary of War, you know." So far, so good. "In fact, I ought to meet him myself before introducing you to him." Yes, both the blasted rodent and his uncle had those worrisome convictions known as morals. They'd be best buddies, and out of Robotnik's face, hopefully for a long time.
"Ah. I see. Well, well, I ought to let you hail this fine young chap. I must say, I shall be delighted to meet him. He was only a little tyke when I last saw him, but every bit the strong, good fellow I imagined him to be. And let me tell you, a word of warning, Julian, some of these politicians are more than willing to do anything, and I mean anything, to achieve their own selfish goals. Don't let them stand in your way, young lad. Why, I remember the days of yore when I had to weed my way through the most flippantly filibustering fops I've ever seen."
"Yes, sir, I'm aware of it, sir," Robotnik cut in, preventing Sir Walter from going further. What a nuisance. Preventing a frown from etching itself upon his lips, Robotnik shook hands formally, yet a bit vigorously for his liking, and proceeded to the control room.
***************
"Heh, toast." That last SWATbot to fall by Sonic's acrobatics also happened to just barely fulfill his quota for the day. Sonic really hadn't come here on a mission today, except to check in on Uncle Chuck and make sure there wasn't anything too dastardly going on in 'Buttnik's brain. He'd even brought Tails along for the ride to have a little fun with his mechanical skills. Sonic had taken care to pick a factory where his little bro could hide and do stuff without being spotted.
There really hadn't been much to report, except that an individual had turned himself in this morning claiming to be a relative of Robotnik's. That wasn't a very smart idea, whomever it was. Robotnik would probably be out to get rid of anybody related to him, especially since Snively had defected to the Freedom Fighters. Uncle Chuck hadn't seen any prisoners in the cells with the computer doohickey scan. Robotnik had taken care of him by now. It was a bit of a bummer to jet out of here on.
Now, was there one of those stupid flying spycams around? One good razz to the Eggman was always a nice note to get out of here on. Usually, in this quaintly dilapidated section of town, a bunch of them flew around aimlessly, and one of them had probably already seen him, else the SWATs wouldn't have come bothering him.
"Hey, buzzards! Come over here and say hi!" he yelled out, not really caring if it meant more SWATbots. He was jetting out of here regardless. Weird...the spycams were kinda slow on the uptake today. Sonic stood for a bit, tapping his toe.
Finally, one toddled its way around a corner, caught his attention, and swept in as if it was indeed interested in a piece of advice he had to give it. Yeah, like 'Get a life and stop following people,' was the advice he'd give it. Heh, that was one he'd save for the Knothole gang. It was too hilarious.
"Looks like you're slacking off! I didn't even break a sweat on you today, maybe you'll just have to get off your tubby butt and get me yourself!"
"Listen to me, fool. My wish was not to kill you or even harm you, not today at least. On the contrary, rodent...I have a proposition," buzzed the spycam, relaying its owner's words with an intercom. Odd - he sounded a little less angry with him today. In fact, there really wasn't a whole lot of malice at all behind the message.
"Oh, yeah? What's that?" he asked back, wary of a sneak attack of some sort and figuring that maybe 'Buttnik had finally figured out a good comeback to throw at him.
"Well...it's rather hard to describe in words. I have a problem, and I think you might be interested in, er...*cough* a bit of an alliance. A temporary truce, if you will." A few nasty seconds past. "Helping me with this, you idiot, that's what I mean." What was this guy doing, asking for help on homework or something? "If you'd be willing to help out, I'm willing to reach an agreement with you to give you anything you wish - within reason, of course."
"...Riiiight. And the Tooth Fairy likes giving out Christmas presents. What the crud are you talking about?"
"You have no idea, hedgehog," the spycam blurted. "Have you ever had someone drop in that you can't stand in the least and you just want desperately to get rid of them?"
"Well, not really, but you've made it totally clear to me over the past ten years that you do."
"No, you nitwit, that's not what I meant. More like someone of importance."
"Gee, thanks, I think you're special, too."
There was a grunt made at this. "Listen, rodent! I have no desire to waste time with your inane remarks. My uncle has taken it upon himself to visit and he makes my life miserable! I need you to take him off my hands."
All Sonic could do at this was raise an eyebrow. "Say what?"
"Do I have to explain everything to everyone twice?!" The voice had shrunk in volume to a whisper and had become almost panicky. "How can I rule the world if he's going to badger and bore me to tears every day? Do this, Julian, you're fat, Julian, you should speak when you're spoken to, as I did in the days of the Boring War, Julian. It drives a man mad." As if he wasn't utterly insane already. "He's a good hunter, so you could use him to get food or something. I won't shoot him, heaven forbid I even try, even if I wanted to."
Okay, this was entirely too much information. Sonic came fairly close to actually feeling sorry for him. Although he still suspected some sort of trick in the back of his mind, 'Buttnik really sounded scared of this uncle of his.
A smile came to his lips. This was going to be good.
"Okay...and what else am I getting out of this again?" Sal would be all over him if he could pull one over on 'Buttnik, especially if it was a gimme like this. Tails would think it was awesome, too. At the very least, it'd be funny to see out. And besides, if - no, make that when - he got double-crossed on this, he'd bail before Robotnik could get out that dumb 'ha, ha, I got you' laugh of his.
"Anything within reason. That I assure you. Just meet me outside the main building, and I will provide details. SWATbots will give you clearance." Well, he didn't expect the Eggman to follow through on that, but this was too good in itself to pass up anyways. What a story he'd have for Sally and the gang when he got back.
"Heh, and just where are you going to find more of those? I just bashed them all to pieces."
A slight rumble caught Sonic's ear as he finished saying this. It gradually became louder over a few seconds' time, accompanied by a lot of metallic clanks and clicks, and culminated in several SWATbots streaming steadily out of various nooks and crannies. Several even tripped over their comrades' feet and fell clumsily to the ground in this twisted version of one of those tiny clown cars with a million clowns in them.
Apparently he hadn't bashed all of them to pieces.
Now he was beginning to freak out a bit. Either 'Buttnik thought this was a sick joke or he was dead serious about getting this unwanted guest off his back. Whoever it was must be something else out of left field if he could bring a ruthless tyrant to his knees like this. Before Sonic could even stand defensively and think of an attack, one of the SWATs droned out the obligatory obvious assessment of things. Except this time, it was slightly different.
"PRIORITY ONE, HEDGEHOG. SPECIAL GUEST OF ROBOTNIK. ESCORT TO COMMAND CENTRAL, BY ORDER OF ROBOTNIK."
As if there weren't absolutely too many robots for him to plow through and so make an exit. Sonic took a deep breath and nodded, hoping that he wasn't dreaming this, or he'd be pretty miffed with his imagination if and when he woke up.