Episode 2: Hereston Hell

Story notes: This isn't finished yet, because it wasn't even supposed to be a Bizarre Wars episode. This was originally supposed to be an in-between-episodes filler to explain the trivial details of how Anakin and Obi-Wan got their undercover Earth identities and what their first few days on Earth were like. It was meant to be only about 10 pages long, but it ended up being more than 20 pages! This is the unfinished version – the finished version is on my other computer, but I'll upload it within the next couple of weeks.

Warning: Stupid anagrams, the revelation of new identities, disastrous attempts at trying to fit in.

Disclaimer: Characters from Star Wars (you should know who they are) belong to George Lucas. Jabatan Eksais Dan Imigresen belongs to the Malaysian Immigration Department.



At dawn of the day that they were to leave Obi-Wan's excellent and soon to be sorely missed bachelor pad, there was typical moving out confusion. The type of confusion that makes you unpack most of your boxes to find your toothbrush, only to find it on the bathroom shelf, where you had left it the night before, ready for use.

"ANAKIN! Are you awake yet?"

"Yes, Master."

"Well, hurry up, the transport will be here any minute."

"I'm having some trouble getting my...luggage downstairs." There was a clattering-thudding noise as the 'luggage' approached Obi-Wan at the base of the stairs.

"Anakin, what the devil...?"

"I say, Master Obi-Wan, it seems as though I've lost my head...or to be more accurate, my body," said a literally very removed voice. This was followed by some indecipherable machine-babble coming from what looked to be a modified garbage can.

Obi-Wan groaned. "Tell me you are not bringing these two jokers with us."

Anakin looked adamant. "They might come in useful, Master. I believe it would be wise to bring them along."

"This isn't some Padme-deficiency thing acting up, now, is it?"

"I believe I said I didn't want to talk about that, Master."

Things would have gotten quite ugly if it hadn't been for a mad honking coming from right outside their door. The door opened to reveal a disturbingly bright and chirpy looking Master Windu.

"We will discuss this upon arrival, Anakin," said Obi-Wan ominously.

"There is nothing to discuss, Master," Anakin replied coolly.

"Well, well, well!" boomed Master Windu. "How are my two favourite Jedi people? Ready to embark on our journey?"

Anakin and Obi-Wan grumbled and muttered indecipherable replies.

"Hmm," said Master Windu. "Before you go, you may want to consider wearing these. It will help you blend in." He handed Anakin a pair of blue jeans, a t-shirt, socks and sneakers. Obi-Wan got a suit (complete with boring blue-and-black striped tie), socks and shoes made from the skin of a cow.

"What the...?"

"And may I suggest cutting the braid off, Anakin? It might make your new neighbours worry about having you around. And Obi-Wan, I think a shave may be in order..."

"NO!"

"Well, have it your way," said Master Windu with a shrug. "Oh, I almost forgot." He took out from the folds of his robe two pairs of boxer shorts. "You have to wear these as well."

After some hilarious attempts on Anakin and Obi-Wan's part to put on the clothes (well, it was hilarious to Master Windu, as Anakin and Obi-Wan not only felt stupid, they felt very uncomfortable), they were finally on their way. Anakin walked to the speeder with a rather provocative strut because of the discomfort caused by his jeans, and Obi-Wan felt as though he was being strangled.

"Where are we going, Master Windu?" asked Anakin, fidgeting in his seat.

"To a remote Pacific island, where we will board a private plane owned by the Jedi High Council - registered under your name, Obi-Wan - and head for a town called Hereston. Once at the airport there, we will get into a private Range Rover and head for the suburbs, where we have secured a home for you."

Anakin's ears perked up. "Private plane?"

"It's like a very big speeder crossed with a house," explained Master Windu.

"Airport?"

"A place where people gather to get onto public planes to leave town, Anakin, be it for work or pleasure."

"Range Rover?"

"A speeder that moves on land, with a lot of space in it, often used to move either a small group of people, or a few people with a lot of things, like yourselves."

"Suburbs?!"

"Where people live if they don't live in the town itself, Anakin. The outskirts of town. Pleasant outskirts, mind you."

"Excuse my ignorance, Master Windu..."

"Certainly, Obi-Wan."

"...but where exactly is Pacific?"

"The Pacific, Obi-Wan. Why, it's on the planet Earth."

"Earth?! You're sending us to Earth?!"

"It's not as bad as people make it out to be, Obi-Wan."

"But the Earthlings are heathens! They have an unhealthy fascination for anything that comes from outside their planet!" Obi-Wan was struck with a sudden thought. "Oh, dear God. They'll hunt us! They'll put us in white-walled cages and cut us up on a shiny table and weigh our innards!"

"Obi-Wan, really. Calm down. You are frightening your Padawan." Anakin had turned pale and was clutching onto his seat, muttering, "No, no, no, take me home, take me home".

"But..."

"Let me make this clear, Obi-Wan. We took a lot of things into consideration when we were deciding on where to place you and Anakin..."

"You want to kill us!" Obi-Wan gasped theatrically.

"...and Earth is really the most ideal place for you. There is hardly any trouble there that would require Jedi intervention, you both look like humans - no surprise, since you are humans - and you can practice your light-saber work by indulging in an activity called 'fencing'. Plus, if you act out of character, they'll just think you have some personality quirks. It's perfect."

Obi-Wan still looked extremely worried. Anakin's eyes were now tightly shut, and he was mumbling something about all of this being "just a really bad dream".

"Are you sure we won't be caught and cut up on a stainless steel table and have our internal organs weighed to see whether we're normal?"

"You'll be fine, Obi-Wan. Have faith in the guidance of the Force."

"I have plenty of faith in the guidance of the Force, I just don't have much faith in the decisions of the Jedi High Council."

A week before, Obi-Wan would have told anyone who asked that his worst experience was that G-force record-breaking ride with Anakin. If anyone had asked him that same question at that very moment he was on the way to Earth, he probably would have replied, "Worst experience? Possibly anything that happens later today, or tomorrow, or any day after that. Oh, bloody hell. The rest of my life will be my worst experience!" and burst into tears.



After a rather forgettable transit at the remote Pacific island (where Anakin was whistled and catcalled at, while Obi-Wan was asked whether he'd like some shells with the sound of the ocean in them), our heroes boarded the private plane, which had 'JEDI' emblazoned on the sides.

"Isn't it rather obvious, having a plane that says 'JEDI' on it?"

"Not exactly, Obi-Wan. You see, depending on where we are, we manage to make up rather hush-hush or impressive sounding meanings for 'JEDI'. For example, when we're here, on this island, it stands for 'Jabatan Eksais Dan Imigresen' - in English that's Excise and Immigration Department. In Hereston, it represents a corporate-sponsored international non-governmental organisation called 'Jingoists for Earth's Diverse Intellectuals'. Haven't you heard about it?"

"No..."

"Well, about time you did," said Master Windu, handing Obi-Wan a pamphlet about the company. Obi-Wan skimmed through it.

"You fight for the rights of weirdos to be called geniuses?!"

Master Windu looked scandalised. "Obi-Wan! You musn't call them weirdos! They have unique talents which can be used to improve the lives of people all over the world!"

"Yes, like this guy here... 'I have been walking backwards all my life. I also sleep with my head at the foot of the bed and cut steak with a fork and pop it into my mouth with a knife. I have done everything backwards, and have therefore proven that it is possible for Man to move forward by moving backward.' What can he possibly do to improve the lives of people all over the world?"

"Well, he's rather philosophical, and who knows, there might just be another Enlightenment in a few decades. He could lead the new breed of philosophes."

"What new breed of philosophes?!"

"Why, our other Diverse Intellectuals, of course."

Obi-Wan looked at Master Windu in disbelief. Master Windu didn't notice.

"Besides, Obi-Wan, our Diverse Intellectuals are often very magnetic personalities. Our corporate sponsors love magnetic personalities that they can use for their advertising campaigns. We get money from our corporate sponsors. We used that money to buy your house. And your car. And to open a substantial bank account and invent an identity."

"Invent an identity?"

Master Windu shifted rather uncomfortably in his seat. "We'll get into that when we get to Hereston, alright?"



Anakin had nodded off to sleep on the plane. He woke up to the sound of music. Well, if it could be considered music, because Obi-Wan had his eyes shut tight and his hands clamped over his ears.

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing!



"Have I?" he asked Master Windu sleepily.

"Have you what, Anakin?"

"Have I missed anything?"

"A bunch of clouds, the sea, a game of 'I Spy' with Obi-Wan which ended in the first round when Obi-Wan said, and I quote, 'I bloody spy with my bloody little eye something bloody beginning with bloody C?bloody hell, it's bloody everywhere! BLOODY CLOUDS!' So you haven't missed anything much, really, Anakin."

Anakin looked out the window. He could see Obi-Wan's tortured face reflected in it from across the aisle.

"Master Windu, can we please put something else on?"

"Why, Obi-Wan. You must assimilate yourself with Earth culture. You are now listening to Aerosmith. They're a very popular Earth band."

"Well, it sounds like cats yowling."

"I like it, Master."

"No one asked your opinion, Anakin," came the rather bitchy reply.

Anakin decided to shut up. When Master Obi-Wan got catty like that, he usually suffered the consequences for a week (it didn't matter if it wasn't Anakin's fault, which it usually was anyway). And he definitely didn't want to sleep in the streets for a week on a hostile, unfamiliar planet.

unfinished



Episode 3 coming up. Yes, Episode 3. I have a tendency to skip episodes