Episode 3: The Shopping Menace

Warning: Gratuitous sarcasm, shopping mania, fangirl-types, immature insulting and general hypermarket mayhem.

Disclaimer: All characters except fangirl-types belong to George Lucas. Ratty old Fiat Cinquecento taken from my own experience as an exchange student in Italy, where my awful first set of host parents only had a ratty old Fiat and a scooter. I do not own Nesquik, Venus, Cutex, Limp Bizkit, Johnny Bravo, Britney Spears, Thomas the Tank Engine or weirdly cute psycho-happy farm animals.



"Ah, how wonderful of you to join us for breakfast for once, my young Padawan," said Obi-Wan Kenobi, flipping an omelette in the air and deftly catching it behind his back with his eyes closed, like any Jedi worth his Force.

"Show off you must not. For peacekeeping the Force is, not flipping egg pancake," said Master Yoda disapprovingly. He had decided to join Obi-Wan for breakfast, and to his annoyance was perched in Anakin's old baby highchair, which Anakin had salvaged from his old home after his mother had expired.

Obi-Wan gave Yoda a look. "Well, I'm not officially a Jedi anymore am I? You fired me, so I can do whatever I want with my powers." He stuck his tongue out at the old Jedi Master.

Anakin stumbled to the dining table, yawning loudly as he sat down. Obi-Wan then flipped the omelette into the air towards him. Anakin picked up a plate and flung it in Yoda's direction, catching the omelette on its way. The plate landed smack dab on top of Yoda's highchair table attachment.

Yoda picked at his omelette suspiciously. "Ah," he said, glaring at Obi-Wan. "Cheese you put as filling. Forget you that lactose intolerant I am, hmm?"

Obi-Wan looked as though he wanted to pull his lightsaber out on the Jedi Master. "That yellow stuff's not cheese, it's bananas. Don't tell me you don't like bananas. This," he said, flipping an omelette at Anakin with a flourish, "is a cheese omelette."

"Thank you, Master," Anakin said rather absentmindedly. He had been staring at Obi-Wan's plate, which was laden with dry rye crackers and an assortment of fibrous orange, purple and green things. "Do we have a rabbit that you never told me about, Master?"
"No, my young Padawan," said Obi-Wan evenly through gritted teeth. "This is my breakfast."

Yoda smirked into his banana omelette. "High time on a diet you went, hmm? Getting portly you are, Obi-Wan."

Anakin felt an angry surge in Obi-Wan's Force and wisely changed the subject before his master acted in a way unbecoming of an ex-Jedi Knight. "When will I begin my new training module, Master?"

Obi-Wan shot him a dirty look. Yes, Anakin would be the death of him. In the meantime he was causing him to act in a very un-ex-Jedi-like manner.

Yoda's pointy ears perked up. "Hmm? What is this 'new training module', Obi-Wan? Commissioned it the Council has not."

"I'm training him in the art of cookery, Master Yoda. He must learn to fend for himself if anything were to happen to me."

"Mmm..."



The next week, just before lunch one day, Yoda slowly waddled his way into Obi-Wan's kitchen, having used his Jedi powers to unlock the door when no-one came to answer the doorbell (which he reached via levitation, in case you were wondering).

In the kitchen, a rather frightening sight greeted him. Obi-Wan was whacking Anakin upside the head repeatedly with a wooden spoon, Anakin was trying to defend himself with a balloon whisk, and there seemed to be a lot of steam about, not to mention evil smells.

"I told you to put the water in with the onions, butter and sugar! The water will evaporate as the onions cook!"

"But if you mix fat and water together in a pan, Master, the fat splatters!"

"Well, that's part of cooking! If you put the water in later, you'll get soggy fried onions with sugar bits stuck on them instead of caramelised onions!"

Anakin glared sulkily at his master. "Caramelised onions suck anyway, Master."

Obi-Wan stopped whacking Anakin with the wooden spoon and exclaimed, "You also let the soup overboil, my stupid young Padawan! And how many times do I have to tell you that you put the fish and tomatoes in the second you put the flame out because they cook very fast?!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but at least I've learnt how to boil eggs now," Anakin said, trying to placate the irate Obi-Wan. He hadn't seen his master this pissed off since that duel with Count Dooku where Yoda ended up saving both their arses.

"Yes, but have you learnt how to boil them to be soft, medium or hard? No! You haven't learnt anything!" Obi-Wan shrieked. Yup, he was pissed.

Yoda waved his hand. The smoke and steam cleared, the soup was put right, and the onions were caramelised. The evil smell was also gone, replaced by a nice, fresh, woody smell, much like pines.

"Teaching not very successful, Obi-Wan," he said. It was more of a statement than a question.

Obi-Wan sighed dramatically. Anakin thought that his Master looked rather camp when he cooked and fought hard not to laugh. Yoda caught his eye and nodded.

"It isn't that he's particularly stupid, Master Yoda, it is just that he never listens! If he had his own way I'm sure he'd be living off baked beans on toast and soft drinks!" Obi-Wan looked utterly scandalised at the thought.

"Going about the wrong way in teaching him you are, Obi-Wan," said Yoda sagely. "Begin with what he knows and likes first we must. Come, my young Padawan."

Obi-Wan glared at their backs as he followed them out the door. He resented the fact that Master Yoda was quite blatantly stealing his Padawan from under his nose. "You just like him better because he's the Chosen One who will put the Force back into Balance, and I was one of those borderline cases you were so against training into Jedi Knights," he said rather sulkily.

Yoda turned and stared him down, a rather amazing feat for someone so short even when you take into account the Jedi-Force thing. "Favouritist I am not, Obi-Wan. Unbecoming it is for you to sulk like this. Bad to see for your Padawan." He turned and approached Obi-Wan's ratty old Fiat Cinquecento, one of the few means of transportation that the Jedi Council could afford to get for the wayward Jedi Knight.

As he buckled himself into the baby-seat, Yoda stared at the back of Obi-Wan's head and sighed. "Much trouble you have caused me, Obi-Wan. When Padawan you were, bet I placed with Master Windu on you failing to complete training."

Obi-Wan looked at the Jedi Master in the rearview mirror.

"Lost that bet I did. Ah, strong you were in the force, Obi-Wan. Though very clever you were not," Yoda said. He thought to himself, Like his own Padawan he was. Why entrust our hope in clumsy hands of this moron did we?

Anakin decided to call a truce between himself and his master. "Where are we going, Master?" he said, quite politely for once.

"The hypermarket, Anakin."



Obi-Wan was embarrassed out of his wits. He was pushing a trolley with a Jedi Master disguised as a toddler in the child seat exclaiming at the fifty-seven brands of cornflakes and a randy young Padawan flirting with anything slightly female-looking by his side.

"Hey, how you doin', sweetcakes? Wanna go high with the Skywalker?" said Anakin, flicking a his braid back and winking coyly.

A few hormonal teenage fangirl-types giggled and scuttled off excitedly to tell their friends about their encounter with 'the cute new boy in the neighbourhood'.

"Anakin, please. Keep your mind to the task."

"Berate him do not, Obi-Wan. Remember I when you were young and sex-charged. Much trouble Qui-Gon had clearing problem of your bastard children," Yoda said before exclaiming at the twenty-three different brands of pasta bolognese sauce.

Anakin looked at his Master, who was trying to look engrossed in the nutritional facts of a packet of freeze-dried peas. Obi-Wan wished Anakin would look away so he could put the peas down before he got frostbite in his hand.

"You have bastard children, Master?"

"Yes, my young Padawan," answered Obi-Wan shortly. He began pushing the trolley towards the fresh produce section.

"How many, Master? And what are they doing now?"

Obi-Wan gave Anakin a dirty look. "Just six, Anakin. Ramekin is now twenty-two and working as a public relations officer for Chancellor Palpatine; Dimitri is your age, doing God-knows-what God-knows-where; John is sixteen, I believe he's staying with his mother and studying like a normal boy; Flora is sixteen and works as a dancer in a nightclub on Naboo; Vixen is twelve and is a shampoo-girl at a hairsalon on Alderaan and Cretin is a six-year-old peddler selling plastic containers on Tatooine. Which reminds me," he said, looking down at Yoda, who was conveniently staring at a bunch of carrots. "When can he go into training, Master Yoda?"

"In tune with Force he is not. Train him we cannot. Better off he is peddling Tupperware," Yoda said reaching out for the carrots. Obi-Wan surreptitiously jerked the trolley away from the fresh produce aisle, causing the midget Jedi Master to squawk in surprise.

"Come, Anakin. We will buy some bread and baked beans. Carrots are for wusses."

"Yes, Master."

Obi-Wan pushed the trolley towards the canned food section, a figurative raincloud hanging over his head. Well, not exactly figurative. There were a lot of cloud-shaped signs with special offers written on them hanging from the ceiling, low enough to whack anyone taller than 4'10" in the eyes. Obi-Wan's head was preoccupied with ways of getting Yoda into an accident without anyone suspecting anything, and had just thought of using mind-control on a hapless homeless man to make him rugby tackle Yoda into the path of an oncoming double-decker bus, when it hit him. Literally.

"OW! Stupid thing!" he said, rubbing his eye where the cloud-shaped 'Special Price on Laundry Detergent!' sign had hit him.

"Are you alright, Master?" Anakin asked, trying very hard not to laugh, something which Yoda was already doing rather hysterically.

"I'm fine. What is this detergent offer doing in the canned food aisle?!"

"To catch the shoppers' attention and steer them toward a less popular aisle, Master, namely the detergent aisle."

"It was a figurative question, my young Padawan," said Obi-Wan, annoyed. Anakin was very stupid most times, but other times he was annoyingly clever at making deductions.

"Would you like me to get the baked beans, Master?"

"No, Anakin. You will come with me to select some beverages. And you," said Obi-Wan to Yoda. "You will stay in the trolley and occupy yourself with selecting a reputable brand of baked beans."

Obi-Wan stalked off to the hot drinks aisle. Anakin followed. The fangirl-types, having alerted their friends, followed Anakin.

"Anakin, go get Earl Grey and Darjeeling for you and me, and decaf store-brand for that twit midget in the trolley."

"Something is troubling you, Master."

"There is nothing troubling me, Anakin."

"Master, if it means anything, I think you're way cooler than Master Yoda. He's far too full of himself, and he's...naggy." Anakin looked thoughtful. "Master, why does Yoda have his knife in your back all the time?"

"You know our ratty old Fiat?"

"Yes?"

"Well, I suggested to the Council that they could afford to get us a Range Rover, and maybe even a scooter or two to cruise around on, if we replaced Master Yoda's souped-up chaffeured limo with a normal four-door sedan."

"You mean the limo with the special kid leather booster seats, satellite TV and DVD entertainment system with surround sound?"

"And the game consoles, yes. Well, of course, Master Yoda wasn't too pleased. The other Council members agreed with me, but he vetoed the idea. Then we got into a bit of a duel because I said it was unfair that he had veto power."

"Oh! Was that why you got sent to do community service in the Hereston tourist info centre, and I trained under Master Windu for a while?"

Obi-Wan sighed. "Yes, Anakin."

Anakin looked adamant. "Well, I still think you're cooler than Master Yoda."

Obi-Wan looked at Anakin and smiled for the first time that day. "Thank you, Anakin."

Anakin smiled back. "Also, I don't want tea. Can I have strawberry Nesquik instead?"

Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes. "Was that why you said I was cooler than Yoda?"

Anakin looked comically shocked at the idea. "No!" he said derisively. Obi-Wan still looked at him with suspicion. "Well, okay, I may have, but I did mean it as well."

"Fine. FINE. Go get your stupid strawberry Nesquik, serve my tea to blasted Master Yoda, go flirt with the neighbourhood girls and fill yourself to bursting with baked beans on toast and Pepsi! See if I care!" Obi-Wan grabbed his tea from the shelf and stomped off in the direction of the canned food aisle, blinded by anger.

So blind was he that he didn't see a trolley laden with enough food to feed an entire regiment in the Republic's clone army, plus enough miscellaneous hypermarket things to keep them clean - baked beans, tuna, sardines, carrots, eggs, cabbages, bread, butter, rye crackers, milk, cookies, razors, shampoo, shower gel, cleanser and God knows what else - making it's way unmanned towards him. It rammed into him, causing him to flip over and land into it in a sequence that any slapstick comedy movie director would have been proud of.

"BLOODY HELL!"

"Master, are you alright?!" asked Anakin as he ran towards the trolley waving a container of strawberry Nesquik in one hand and a box of ready-made soup croutons and another box of decaf store-brand tea in the other.

"On task you must keep your mind, Obi-Wan," said Yoda maliciously, as it was him and his Jedi Force that steered the trolley towards - or more accurately, into - Obi-Wan. Anakin helped his Master out of the trolley. Obi-Wan looked rather harrassed and homicidal, so Anakin decided to take matters into his own hands.

He was about to ask Obi-Wan in the usual Padawan way if he wanted to go home, when, noticing the fangirl-types lurking around in the background, he changed his mind about calling him 'Master'. "Would you like to go home now, dad? Kenny's getting a bit restless."

Obi-Wan looked at Anakin as if he'd gone crazy. Anakin looked sideways at the girls, hoping Obi-Wan would get the message. He did. "Yes, Anakin. Let's go home. I think Kenny needs a diaper change."

As they went to the counter, the girls started speculating about whether Anakin, his 'dad' and 'Kenny' were a single-parent family. They also gushed at how handsome Anakin was, and how responsible.

At the counter, they encountered a bit of a problem.

"That would be two thousand, eight hundred and fifty-nine and seventy-four, please."

"Two thousand what?!" exclaimed Obi-Wan.

The cashier turned the till display to him and repeated, "Two thousand, eight hundred and fifty-nine and seventy-four, sir."

Obi-Wan turned pale. Anakin thought quickly and began to pretend to tickle his baby brother Kenny, when in fact he was forcefully extracting Yoda's credit card from his robes. Anakin cleared his throat.

"Dad?"

"Yes, Anakin?"

"Here," said Anakin, handing over the credit card. "Kenny was playing with it."

Obi-Wan turned to Yoda, who was still sitting rather sulkily in the trolley. He grinned in a disturbingly evil way for a former Jedi Knight. "Bad boy, Kenny. You got daddy worried there." He handed over the credit card to the cashier. Yoda made sounds of protest. Anakin shoved a lollipop in his mouth.

"There, there, Kenny, we'll be going home soon to change your diaper."

After paying for all the things they'd bought, they lugged it all to the car with much help from the fangirl-types, whom Obi-Wan noticed still lurking around. He mind-controlled them into carrying everything into the ratty old Fiat.

"Thank you, girls," he said to them as they stood by the car, giggling.

"It wasn't a problem, Mr. Kenobi," they chorused.

Anakin dumped Yoda into the child-seat before getting into the front passenger side. Obi-Wan was whistling quite happily as he backed the car out of the parking space.

"OW!" yelled Anakin suddenly, clutching the side of his head dramatically.

"Anakin! Are you alright?!"

"For stealing my credit card that was, and for saying cooler your Master is than me!" said Yoda. "Turning into your Master you are! Not pleased the Council will be when hear of this they do!" He hit Anakin with his staff again. Anakin began to whimper. He had a rather nasty-looking cut on his forehead.

Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant drive home for the young Padawan. It was even less of a pleasant drive for his long-suffering Master.



"Anakin, stay still!"

"That bastard hit me! ME! The Chosen One who will bring Balance back to the Force!" yelled Anakin. He sneered and said in a cruel imitation of Yoda, "Not pleased the Council will be when hear of this they do."

Obi-Wan sniggered. "It's a good thing he tossed some Dettol into the trolley, eh? Now stay still, this will sting just a little."

"OW!"

"Maybe not so little, then."

Yoda had left 12 Hedge Lane in a huff in his souped-up limousine. Upon investigation of what else he had dumped into the trolley, Obi-Wan and Anakin had found such strange things as frozen oysters, frozen Duchess potatoes, caviar, and a bedroom set of pale blue adhesive-backed wallpaper, complete with a border of cutesy, rather mad-looking farm animals. Anakin had also found things that, for a young man who had been exposed to Padme Purity Syndrome, were quite disturbing to discover.

"Umm...Master?"

"Yes, Anakin," said Obi-Wan rather absentmindedly, as he was trying to decipher the foreign instructions on the box of a frozen Sachertorte.

"Master..." Anakin whimpered.

Obi-Wan looked up at his Padawan in surprise. Anakin was holding up a box of assorted tampons and a Venus razor. He looked very disturbed.

"Blast that twit midget!" said Obi-Wan, taking the tampons and Venus razor from Anakin. He peered into the bag that Anakin had been going through. At a glance, he saw Cutex nail-polish remover, more tampons and girly shampoo, conditioner and shower gel with fruit and botanical essences. He heard a door slam upstairs. He looked up from the bag and saw that Anakin was nowhere to be seen. Presently he heard very loud music with lots of swearing coming from Anakin's room.

Anakin, after his unfortunate surprise exposure to the world of feminine hygiene, was trying to act very, very butch.

Obi-Wan let him be. He started keeping everything away into the cupboards and the fridge. He was quite happy with the results of the outing, because when he and Anakin moved in, they decided to buy a huge fridge so that they would never go hungry. The fridge had always looked pitifully empty, but now it looked like a fridge in a fridge commercial: full of expensive food.

By the time he was done, it was well past midnight. Anakin's Limp Bizkit CD had played out a long time ago. Obi-Wan took the wallpaper set and girly things up with him. He stopped by Anakin's room and knocked on the door.

"Anakin?"

There was no reply. Obi-Wan opened the door and peered around it. The lights were still on and the door to the bathroom was open. Anakin was sprawled on the bed wearing his Johnny Bravo pyjamas. Obi-Wan looked distastefully at the posters of Britney Spears on the wall, which were covering the Thomas the Tank-Engine wallpaper he had chosen for Anakin. Obi-Wan shook him awake.

"Anakin?"

"Whaaat?" came the grumpy reply.

"Have you brushed your teeth and flossed yet?"

"Yeeeesss. God, d'you have to be so anal about it?"

"Just checking."

Anakin grumpily turned over. Obi-Wan tucked him in under the Johnny Bravo covers and put Anakin's mangy old teddy-bear under his arm.

"Good night, Anakin."

"Mmmph."

Obi-Wan turned the lights off on the way out. On the way to his room, he dumped the wallpaper set and girly things into the guest bedroom across the hall from Anakin's. He looked around the empty room, grinning his disturbingly evil grin and fingering Yoda's credit card which he had nicked in a planned sequence of events that would have made Fagin's eyes brim with tears of pride.

"We'll buy furniture tomorrow."