A/N: Whoo, okay! Here is chapter.four. Yes indeed.hope you, if anyone is
reading, are enjoying this so far! There is so much more to come! In this
scene, Clarice will actually be listening to the song, it wont be in the
background.
Disclaimers: We do not own, anyone.except ourselves of course. And we do not own the song "Everybody Hurts" by REM.
Buzz, buzz, buzz....
Clarice shifted in her bed groggily, still clutching that pillow tightly to her chest.
Buzz, buzz, buzz...
Aware of the loud buzzing on her bedside table, Clarice muttered a curse to the damn pager as she rolled over and fiercely plowed the pillow into her face, trying to block out the noise from the pulsing in her head that were going neck and neck in intensity. She had pushed the pillow over her mouth and nose so quickly, and harder than she had meant to, that for a split second it stole her breath and she had the distinct sensation of suffocating. Again, for a split second she thought about leaving it there, somehow it felt better to her to inflict pain upon herself...at least it felt better than when others did it for her.
Getting fed up with the annoying buzzing, Clarice finally threw the pillow from the bed where it hit her closet door and slid to the ground. She reached over roughly, thoroughly pissed off now, and chucked the pager across the room as well where it too hit the closet door and immediately stopped making noise, as though it could tell that this wasn't the time to get on Clarice Starling's nerves.
As she stood up gingerly, her neck stiff and her eyes looking like something out of a horror movie, she lost her balance and fell hard onto the carpet.
"FUCK," she muttered under her breath as she stood up again with the aid of the mattress. She blinked hard a few times, trying to regain her vision and walked slowly to the bathroom.
When she closed the door behind her, she stared into the broken mirror for a brief moment.
"Oh, aren't I just a beauty..." she said sarcastically to no one in particular in her raspy morning voice.
Clarice ran a hand through her tangled hair and blew out a deep breath of air. She looked at the clock on the opposite wall through the reflection in the mirror. It was eight o'clock, time to get ready for work. She gritted her teeth and stared hard at her reflection in the mirror at the thought, but after a moment of cooling down began to finish getting ready.
It was a silent drive to the bureau that morning, though she hadn't noticed it was so quiet since her mind was flowing with thoughts like a heard of wild horses stampeding through an open meadow. She stopped her mustang smoothly before a stoplight. Staring up at the hypnotizing red light shining down at her through the windshield, as she waited for it to shift to that brilliant green, she drifted off into a daydream...
-- She stood on a high stone balcony over looking the city. The scarlet and gold dusk sky blended perfectly with the glimmering lights in the valley below, setting them off like a ruby to a golden band. A wine glass in one hand and a long stemmed red rose in the other. A long, silk maroon gown formed to the curves of her body with such perfection it was impossible to imagine her ever changing out of it. A string of miniscule diamonds lined her collarbone to finish the look. A man comes up behind Clarice, wrapping his strong arms around her lean waist. She closes her eyes and leans into his touch, smiling and feeling the warm, brilliantly golden sunset caress her face. The man now lowers his head to her neck, then leans in to kiss her gently on her cheek. ---
Clarice snapped violently out of her pleasant vision when someone honked their horn and rolled down their window shouting, sounding very irritated, to go. She stepped on the gas petal hard, and zoomed off.
"What a daydream..." she mumbled to herself.
The mustang rolled into a parking spot right outside the Behavioral Science's building a few minutes later and Clarice stepped out onto the hard cement. A deep breathe to calm her, then she grabbed her purse, locked the car and preceded to the large, glass front doors. She headed straight for the elevators. As she stepped out of the elevator on the fourth floor, she walked briskly towards her cubicle and threw her purse to the side. Taking a seat in her rolling office chair, she took in another deep breath and took out the thick case file from her desk drawer.
Almost three hours later, a frustrated Clarice snatched up her purse and headed once again for the elevators. She needed some fresh air away from the stifling suffocation of this building. Walking into the elevator, she angrily pressed the lobby level button. She looked above her for a brief second to the elevator shaft, remembering suddenly what Dr. Lecter had done so many years ago at the courthouse to those police officers...
Earlier that same night, a night that was not so different from this one, she had gone to that very same building where Lecter had been moved from the Baltimore Psychiatric Hospital in Maryland to ask him a few questions about the Buffalo Bill case and to return his drawings. That night was one that would haunt her forever, she had spilled her soul to him, not holding anything back...not getting anything in return.
And then he had touched her...
"People will say we're in love," his metallic voice had echoed through the magnificent room as he stared deep into Clarice's eyes.
Her fingertips still tingled whenever she thought of that first contact, it had literally sent sparks flying throughout her body...feeling how gentle this beast could be. From that moment on she thought of Hannibal Lecter differently. Not as a monster, but as a living and breathing human being. She had tried so hard to hate him, tried to convince herself that he was fictional; men that had done things as gruesome as he had done couldn't be real. But it was no use. Lecter had become as real to her as every fucking tear that had pierced her weary eyes every lonely night for the past eleven years since she had let him go...
He had made himself a permanent part of her. She couldn't stop thinking about him since that night...
Now, years later, things hadn't changed. He still inhabited every aspect of her life.
Clarice shook her head to get rid of those thoughts as the elevator doors slid open and she stepped out, heading for the parking lot. Unlocking the door of her beloved Mustang, she collapsed into the worn out drivers seat. She inserted the key into the ignition and gave it a good turn. The engine putted a few times before it started, but soon it purred like a kitten. Clarice sighed and looked around inside the old beat up Mustang...it was definitely time for a new car.
Backing out of the parking lot, she turned onto the long stretch of asphalt and drove off into the night. Clarice sat thinking for a while, blowing off some steam before she rolled down the windows and let the cool air rush inside. It blew across her face, tousled her hair and Clarice closed her eyes, enjoying it immensely.
After a few more minutes, she decided to turn on the radio.
"You're listening to 103.3 The Zone! Now for all you R.E.M lovers, here is 'Everybody Hurts!'"
A slow and sad melody floated through the speakers, twisting itself around Clarice, intriguing her.
~ When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on ~
Clarice reached over and turned the volume up, so she could hear the lyrics better.
~ Don't let yourself go, everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong ~
Pursing her lips, Clarice couldn't help but wonder if this was a sign. A sign that maybe everything would be alright...
~ Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on) ~
~ If you feel like letting go, (hold on) ~
She did feel like letting go, letting go of it all...
~ When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on ~
Without realizing it, Clarice gripped her steering wheel a little harder than she meant to.
~ Everybody hurts, take comfort in your friends ~
"What friends?" she mumbled to herself.
~ Everybody hurts ~
Suddenly the music began to become more intense. It struck Clarice like a dagger in her heart, and she forced herself not to start to cry...but it was so hard.
~ Don't throw your hand, oh, no ~
A single tear crept down Clarice's cheek, leaving a shimmering trail behind it...
~ Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone ~
Something scorching burst inside Clarice, and she suddenly found herself yelling loudly at the radio...though she knew she was really angry at herself.
"But I am alone! I'm all alone!"
~ If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on ~
Clarice's eyes began to fill with the familiar stinging tears. She was so tired of crying everyday...she didn't think her eyes could take it anymore. They were beginning to look permentantley red and the blue veins around them strained every time a tear rolled down her face.
"I can't hang on! I have had too much of this life!"
Clarice thought she must have looked like a fool screaming at the radio.
~ Well, everybody hurts sometimes, everybody cries ~
At this statement Clarice couldn't help but cry even harder. Everyday was getting more difficult for her to move on, and these tears were her only friends.
~ And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes, so hold on, hold on ~
Clarice could barely see the road through her watery vision, her tears acting like a shield for her eyes. She pulled recklessly over to the side of the road and stumbled angrily out of the car, sobbing. Leaning with her back against the car door, she slid down slowly with her face in a grimace and crouched in the rough dirt.
~ Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on...
(Everybody hurts, you are not alone) ~
The song faded away into a new one as Clarice sat curled up on the hard ground. She sunk her face into her hands, trying to silence her sobs. Finally she pulled herself together like so many times before and took a deep breath. She rose and wiped away her tears on the back of her jacket sleeve. Thanking God and anything else that might exist for putting her on this highway to have her breakdown so that no bystanders saw it, she dusted herself off and slid back into her car.
As she drove off again, she thought about how desperately she needed a break from her job. No, not her job...her life. She just needed to get away from all of it. Something was holding her back from just running away, but she didn't know what.
Disclaimers: We do not own, anyone.except ourselves of course. And we do not own the song "Everybody Hurts" by REM.
Buzz, buzz, buzz....
Clarice shifted in her bed groggily, still clutching that pillow tightly to her chest.
Buzz, buzz, buzz...
Aware of the loud buzzing on her bedside table, Clarice muttered a curse to the damn pager as she rolled over and fiercely plowed the pillow into her face, trying to block out the noise from the pulsing in her head that were going neck and neck in intensity. She had pushed the pillow over her mouth and nose so quickly, and harder than she had meant to, that for a split second it stole her breath and she had the distinct sensation of suffocating. Again, for a split second she thought about leaving it there, somehow it felt better to her to inflict pain upon herself...at least it felt better than when others did it for her.
Getting fed up with the annoying buzzing, Clarice finally threw the pillow from the bed where it hit her closet door and slid to the ground. She reached over roughly, thoroughly pissed off now, and chucked the pager across the room as well where it too hit the closet door and immediately stopped making noise, as though it could tell that this wasn't the time to get on Clarice Starling's nerves.
As she stood up gingerly, her neck stiff and her eyes looking like something out of a horror movie, she lost her balance and fell hard onto the carpet.
"FUCK," she muttered under her breath as she stood up again with the aid of the mattress. She blinked hard a few times, trying to regain her vision and walked slowly to the bathroom.
When she closed the door behind her, she stared into the broken mirror for a brief moment.
"Oh, aren't I just a beauty..." she said sarcastically to no one in particular in her raspy morning voice.
Clarice ran a hand through her tangled hair and blew out a deep breath of air. She looked at the clock on the opposite wall through the reflection in the mirror. It was eight o'clock, time to get ready for work. She gritted her teeth and stared hard at her reflection in the mirror at the thought, but after a moment of cooling down began to finish getting ready.
It was a silent drive to the bureau that morning, though she hadn't noticed it was so quiet since her mind was flowing with thoughts like a heard of wild horses stampeding through an open meadow. She stopped her mustang smoothly before a stoplight. Staring up at the hypnotizing red light shining down at her through the windshield, as she waited for it to shift to that brilliant green, she drifted off into a daydream...
-- She stood on a high stone balcony over looking the city. The scarlet and gold dusk sky blended perfectly with the glimmering lights in the valley below, setting them off like a ruby to a golden band. A wine glass in one hand and a long stemmed red rose in the other. A long, silk maroon gown formed to the curves of her body with such perfection it was impossible to imagine her ever changing out of it. A string of miniscule diamonds lined her collarbone to finish the look. A man comes up behind Clarice, wrapping his strong arms around her lean waist. She closes her eyes and leans into his touch, smiling and feeling the warm, brilliantly golden sunset caress her face. The man now lowers his head to her neck, then leans in to kiss her gently on her cheek. ---
Clarice snapped violently out of her pleasant vision when someone honked their horn and rolled down their window shouting, sounding very irritated, to go. She stepped on the gas petal hard, and zoomed off.
"What a daydream..." she mumbled to herself.
The mustang rolled into a parking spot right outside the Behavioral Science's building a few minutes later and Clarice stepped out onto the hard cement. A deep breathe to calm her, then she grabbed her purse, locked the car and preceded to the large, glass front doors. She headed straight for the elevators. As she stepped out of the elevator on the fourth floor, she walked briskly towards her cubicle and threw her purse to the side. Taking a seat in her rolling office chair, she took in another deep breath and took out the thick case file from her desk drawer.
Almost three hours later, a frustrated Clarice snatched up her purse and headed once again for the elevators. She needed some fresh air away from the stifling suffocation of this building. Walking into the elevator, she angrily pressed the lobby level button. She looked above her for a brief second to the elevator shaft, remembering suddenly what Dr. Lecter had done so many years ago at the courthouse to those police officers...
Earlier that same night, a night that was not so different from this one, she had gone to that very same building where Lecter had been moved from the Baltimore Psychiatric Hospital in Maryland to ask him a few questions about the Buffalo Bill case and to return his drawings. That night was one that would haunt her forever, she had spilled her soul to him, not holding anything back...not getting anything in return.
And then he had touched her...
"People will say we're in love," his metallic voice had echoed through the magnificent room as he stared deep into Clarice's eyes.
Her fingertips still tingled whenever she thought of that first contact, it had literally sent sparks flying throughout her body...feeling how gentle this beast could be. From that moment on she thought of Hannibal Lecter differently. Not as a monster, but as a living and breathing human being. She had tried so hard to hate him, tried to convince herself that he was fictional; men that had done things as gruesome as he had done couldn't be real. But it was no use. Lecter had become as real to her as every fucking tear that had pierced her weary eyes every lonely night for the past eleven years since she had let him go...
He had made himself a permanent part of her. She couldn't stop thinking about him since that night...
Now, years later, things hadn't changed. He still inhabited every aspect of her life.
Clarice shook her head to get rid of those thoughts as the elevator doors slid open and she stepped out, heading for the parking lot. Unlocking the door of her beloved Mustang, she collapsed into the worn out drivers seat. She inserted the key into the ignition and gave it a good turn. The engine putted a few times before it started, but soon it purred like a kitten. Clarice sighed and looked around inside the old beat up Mustang...it was definitely time for a new car.
Backing out of the parking lot, she turned onto the long stretch of asphalt and drove off into the night. Clarice sat thinking for a while, blowing off some steam before she rolled down the windows and let the cool air rush inside. It blew across her face, tousled her hair and Clarice closed her eyes, enjoying it immensely.
After a few more minutes, she decided to turn on the radio.
"You're listening to 103.3 The Zone! Now for all you R.E.M lovers, here is 'Everybody Hurts!'"
A slow and sad melody floated through the speakers, twisting itself around Clarice, intriguing her.
~ When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on ~
Clarice reached over and turned the volume up, so she could hear the lyrics better.
~ Don't let yourself go, everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong ~
Pursing her lips, Clarice couldn't help but wonder if this was a sign. A sign that maybe everything would be alright...
~ Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on) ~
~ If you feel like letting go, (hold on) ~
She did feel like letting go, letting go of it all...
~ When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on ~
Without realizing it, Clarice gripped her steering wheel a little harder than she meant to.
~ Everybody hurts, take comfort in your friends ~
"What friends?" she mumbled to herself.
~ Everybody hurts ~
Suddenly the music began to become more intense. It struck Clarice like a dagger in her heart, and she forced herself not to start to cry...but it was so hard.
~ Don't throw your hand, oh, no ~
A single tear crept down Clarice's cheek, leaving a shimmering trail behind it...
~ Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone ~
Something scorching burst inside Clarice, and she suddenly found herself yelling loudly at the radio...though she knew she was really angry at herself.
"But I am alone! I'm all alone!"
~ If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on ~
Clarice's eyes began to fill with the familiar stinging tears. She was so tired of crying everyday...she didn't think her eyes could take it anymore. They were beginning to look permentantley red and the blue veins around them strained every time a tear rolled down her face.
"I can't hang on! I have had too much of this life!"
Clarice thought she must have looked like a fool screaming at the radio.
~ Well, everybody hurts sometimes, everybody cries ~
At this statement Clarice couldn't help but cry even harder. Everyday was getting more difficult for her to move on, and these tears were her only friends.
~ And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes, so hold on, hold on ~
Clarice could barely see the road through her watery vision, her tears acting like a shield for her eyes. She pulled recklessly over to the side of the road and stumbled angrily out of the car, sobbing. Leaning with her back against the car door, she slid down slowly with her face in a grimace and crouched in the rough dirt.
~ Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on...
(Everybody hurts, you are not alone) ~
The song faded away into a new one as Clarice sat curled up on the hard ground. She sunk her face into her hands, trying to silence her sobs. Finally she pulled herself together like so many times before and took a deep breath. She rose and wiped away her tears on the back of her jacket sleeve. Thanking God and anything else that might exist for putting her on this highway to have her breakdown so that no bystanders saw it, she dusted herself off and slid back into her car.
As she drove off again, she thought about how desperately she needed a break from her job. No, not her job...her life. She just needed to get away from all of it. Something was holding her back from just running away, but she didn't know what.