Chapter 18 Fears
*Author's Note: I want to thank Beverly and other Guests for your comments/reviews. I can't respond to your comments, like I can the others. I do enjoy reading them, just like the other comments I receive.
Kitty was coming back from the hat shop. She was planning on returning to the Long Branch, but instead she walked right past the Long Branch doors and to Doc's office. Needing someone to talk to, Kitty climbed the steps that led to the door of Doc's office. Taking a deep breath, Kitty made a fist, raised her hand, and lightly knocked on Doc's door.
"Door's open! Come on in!" Doc yelled from the other side.
Kitty opened the door, stepped in, and closed the door behind her. Doc did not even look up to see who is guest was. He was in the middle of counting pills and filling the bottles. Kitty didn't want to disturb him, so she kept quiet.
"I'll be with you in a moment," said Doc as he continued doing what he was doing. "I'm almost done here."
"There's no hurry, Doc," Kitty reassured him. "I can wait. Finish what you're doing."
Doc looked up from his task. "Kitty, I didn't know it was you. Have a seat. I have this one bottle to fill and I'll be with you. Are you feeling ill?"
"Physically I'm fine," Kitty answered. "I need someone to talk to."
Doc knew that when Kitty needed someone to talk to, it was usually Matt. Unless Matt wasn't around or the subject was Matt, then she came to him. Doc didn't mind that Kitty went to Matt first. As far as he was concerned, it should be that way. With the drama that was going on with Sarah, Doc had a strong feeling that's why Kitty was in his office. Doc just wondered what happened between Matt and Kitty that would send Kitty to his office. He knew that he would soon find out.
"Have a seat," said Doc. "Now tell me what's wrong."
"What makes you think something is wrong?" asked Kitty as she scratched her thumbnail into the arm of the chair she was sitting in.
"Kitty, I've known you for seven years," said Doc. "Not only am I your doctor, but I'm also a good friend of yours. I even feel like a father figure to you. I know when something is bothering you. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't anything wrong."
Kitty looked at Doc for a brief moment. He was right. Doc could tell when something was bothering her. She really couldn't hide things from him. He was very observant.
"Matt and I talked last night," said Kitty. "We decided that Matt wasn't going to marry Sarah because he didn't know for sure if he was the baby's father."
"If that's what was decided, then I see that as a good thing," said Doc.
"I'm not finished," said Kitty. "Matt and I met with Sarah so Matt could tell her he wasn't going to marry her. Except that's not what happened. Matt agreed to marry her."
Something wasn't right. Kitty must have left out a huge part of her story. Matt wouldn't let Kitty think he wasn't going to marry Sarah and then turn around and tell Sarah he agreed to marriage. Doc knew Kitty wasn't telling him everything.
"Back the story up," Doc told Kitty. "How did Matt go from telling you he wasn't going to marry Sarah to telling Sarah he was going to marry her? There has to be a huge hole in your story."
"Okay, he did tell her that he wasn't going to marry her," Kitty sighed. "But then he changed his mind."
"Why did he change his mind?" inquired Doc. "He must've had a good reason, and I don't think it was because he suddenly felt that he's the father."
"After Matt told Sarah he wasn't going to marry her, she pretty much told Matt that she would shoot me, if he didn't marry her," Kitty explained. "The next thing I know he's agreeing to marry her. I have no idea what he was thinking. I don't even know if he was thinking."
"Kitty, Matt loves you and you know that," said Doc. "When he heard your life being threatened, the only thing he could think of was protecting you, making sure that didn't happen."
"Doc, Matt knows I'm not some fragile woman," said Kitty. "He knows I can take care of myself. I handle myself with the men that come in the Long Branch."
"I know you do, but I think Matt saw this threat differently," said Doc.
"What you mean?" asked Kitty. She was curious why Doc thought Matt saw Sarah's threat differently.
"If Sarah was a man threatening you, then Matt would throw the man in jail," Doc replied. "After the man had been in jail, Matt would've ran him out of town. He probably felt he didn't have that option with a pregnant woman. Since he didn't have that option, he chose the only option he thought he had."
"But now because of his hasty decision, Matt's going to be married to Sarah," said Kitty, shaking her head.
"Where's Matt now?" asked Doc.
"He's with Sarah discussing the marriage," Kitty answered.
Kitty didn't want to tell Doc exactly where Matt took Sarah to discuss the marriage. The abandoned cabin that Matt took Sarah to was the same cabin that she and Matt used to get away from Dodge. Matt came across it one day and realized it was abandoned and nobody had been there for some time. He also realized it wasn't in too bad of shape. Matt thought it was the perfect place for him and Kitty to enjoy one another during the middle of the day. It was their lovers' get away. Now he took Sarah there and Kitty didn't know how she felt about that. She knew Matt didn't take Sarah there for the reason he took her there. Kitty was certain that Matt wouldn't tell Sarah that cabin was his and Kitty's special place, but Kitty still wished Matt would've chosen a different place.
"Did Matt take Sarah away to marry her or just to discuss marriage?" Doc asked.
"I believe to discuss marriage," Kitty answered. "He said he would see me later."
"Kitty, talk to Matt when he returns," Doc quietly said. "Not only talk to him, but listen to what he has to say."
Kitty nodded her head. "I'll try, but I don't know if it will quench the fear that's inside me, the fear that there's no way for Matt to get out of the marriage, the fear that I'll never have Matt like I used to."
Kitty got up and left Doc's office. It was a short walk back to the Long Branch. She could see Sarah coming down Front Street in a buggy. Kitty really didn't want to see or talk to Sarah, so she quickly went into the Long Branch and went upstairs to her room. Once inside her room, Kitty walked to her window and looked out. She saw Sarah park the buggy on a side street and go into the Dodge House. Kitty figured Matt would be back sometime soon. She knew him well enough to know that he wouldn't return the same time as Sarah.
Later that evening Matt walked into the Long Branch. He saw Kitty standing at the bar and went to her, acting as he would any other time. Kitty did the same. Anybody looking at the two of them wouldn't guess that the drama that was happening.
"Hello, Matt," Kitty greeted with a smile. "How about a beer?"
"A beer sounds great," Matt answered with his own smile.
"Sam, two beers," said Kitty. Sam filled two mugs with the frothy liquid and handed them to Kitty. She gave one of the beers to Matt.
"How about we sit down?" asked Matt.
"Sure," Kitty replied, leading the way to their table.
They reached their table and Matt pulled out Kitty's seat for her. Kitty sat down and Matt took his seat. There was silence between them, until Kitty broke the silence.
"How was your day?" she asked, taking a sip of her beer.
"It was fine," Matt answered. He then lowered his voice to a whisper. "I'll tell you about it tonight, after my rounds."
Matt finished his rounds and went to Kitty's room. Kitty was in her cream colored night gown. She was sitting on her sette, reading her poetry book. When she heard Matt coming up the back steps, she put the book on her table and waited for him. Matt unlocked the door and walked inside. He saw Kitty sitting on her sette, waiting for him.
Matt went through his ritual of removing his boots, hat, and gun belt. He left the boots by the door and put the hat on the hook. He took the gun belt and placed it on the table next to his side of bed. Matt pulled up a chair and sat next to Kitty.
"So, should I be offering my congratulations?" Kitty asked sarcastically. "Won't the wife be upset you're with another woman?"
"Kitty, please stop," Matt told her. "Sarah and I are not married yet."
"Yet," stressed Kitty. "That means you still plan on marrying her."
"Yes and you know why," said Matt. "I can't have her shoot, possibly killing you. Your life is the most important thing to me and I'm not willing to risk it."
"Do you still think that you can make Sarah see that marriage to you isn't what she thought it would be?" asked Kitty. "Do you still think she'll give you a divorce? Because I don't think she will. I'm afraid she'll stay married to you, just to spite me."
"If that doesn't happen, I do have a back up plan," said Matt as he took Kitty's hand in his.
"You do?" Kitty questioned. Matt shook his head yes. "Please explain."
Matt explained his back up plan to Kitty.
She liked what Matt was telling her. The plan put some of her fears to rest, but not all of them. Kitty remembered what Doc said to her earlier. He told her to talk to Matt. She decided to do that. She needed to do that.
"What I should've done is contact Jamie and let him know where Sarah is," said Matt. "But now I'm afraid it's too late. I have no idea when or if he'd come here. I can't stall the marriage. Who knows what Sarah would do?"
"I wouldn't want you to contact Jame no matter what," Kitty whispered.
Kitty may have whispered her words, but Matt heard her clearly. "Why not? If Jamie is the father, he has a right to know."
"I get that, but I'd rather not know if Jamie is the father or not," Kitty responded.
"I don't understand," Matt said, confusion all over his face. "Please explain it to me."
"If Jamie comes to Dodge and says he and Sarah didn't have sex three months ago because he did have a broken leg, then that means you're the father," said Kitty. "Not knowing gives me the hope that you're not the father. I don't want to lose that bit of hope. And if you are the father, then you and Sarah will always have a connection to one another. It scares me that connection will turn into something, that someday you will want a life with her and the baby. She'll be giving you something that I'll never be able to give you, your first child."
By now Kitty had tears in her eyes. Those tears shattered Matt's heart. Seeing Kitty cry was something he could never get used to. Matt gathered Kitty into his arms and tried to take away her fears and pain.
"So, you're telling me not to contact Jamie," Matt confirmed.
"I don't know," Kitty sighed. "If he says he did have sex with her three months ago, how do we know the paternity of the baby? There's no way to find out. I'm sure you'd always wonder if the child was yours."
It was now Matt's turn to confess his fear to Kitty. "Kitty, I feel no connection or love for the baby, and that scares me."
"Why does that scare you?" asked Kitty. "If you're not the father, I wouldn't expect you to feel that."
"But if I am the father, shouldn't I feel love for the child and a connection?" Matt questioned. "What kind of father doesn't feel that for his own flesh and blood? I try to tell myself that I'm the father to see if my feelings change, but they don't. The only thing I feel for the child is sorrow. I do feel sorry the baby, but that's all." Matt's voice lowered and he lowered his head. "An even bigger fear I have is that I would feel that way about a baby we ever had."
"You wouldn't," Kitty boldly said. Matt looked up at her. "Matt, if I told you right now that I was pregnant and you were going to be a father, how would you feel? I want you to really think about this."
"I would be stunned," Matt answered honestly. "But I would also be over the moon with happiness. I would be proud that you were carrying my baby. I would instantly love that baby."
"I know you would," said Kitty, brushing her lips against Matt's. "You would because our baby was made during our lovemaking. He or she would be a product of our love. Maybe you don't feel that way because if you are the father of Sarah's baby, love between the two of you wasn't involved. Maybe you don't feel that for Sarah's baby because you're not the father."
"Kitty Russell, you are one smart woman," said Matt, capturing Kitty's lips and kissing her deeply.
"I won't argue with that," Kitty smiled. "Why don't you take those clothes off, so we can get into bed?"
Kitty removed her nightgown, walked over to the brass bed, and got under the covers. Matt quickly removed his clothing and joined her. They both moved towards each other, with Matt taking Kitty in his arms. It was Kitty's favorite place to be. After some kissing and loving one another with their hands, Matt and Kitty made love to one another. It would probably be the last time they made love before Matt left the next day to marry Sarah.
TBC