bob
The last shell hit their line with an almighty bang. And then, it grew quiet – eerily quiet. It took a few moments for Nelly to lift her head off Malarkey and move off his lap. They both scooted to the edge of the foxhole but remained inside – worried the Germans would shell them again. But it only took their brains to remember Toye's yelling in the distance. With a look shared between them, the two friends climbed out of the foxhole, where they soon heard a panicked cry.
"Medic! Medic!" It was Buck.
"Oh, God…". Malarkey whispered – face paling.
Moving by the dead bazooka team, Malarkey and Nelly walked toward Buck's panicked cry for a medic. It took them a couple of minutes to locate the scene. Roe was already there, knelt down in the snow – trying to care for two men. Roe was tying a tourniquet around what was left of Toye's leg. The Sergeant's back was pressed up against a tree, eyes almost nervously staring down at the limb barely hanging on to his body. Roe stabbed him with morphine and moved over to Guarnere – who was missing his leg. When Toye looked up, he stared between Nelly and Malarkey. And there was so much anguish in his eyes – a look which cried out, "I've let everyone down".
Nelly sat by Toye's side – she more or less slumped to the ground.
"Take it easy, Joe". Malarkey said to him, "You're 'gonna be okay".
A jeep came down and moved its way through the trees. A few more medics arrived on the scene with two stretchers. And they set the stretcher down and got Toye on it – lying the Sergeant on his side.
"Malark, 'gimme a cigarette". Toye said, breathing hard.
Lighting the cigarette up for him, Malarkey crouched down and placed it between his lips. Toye sent the young man a nod, took in a drag and blew the smoke out. "Kid". He called out.
Nelly scooted toward his head and stared at him. She was shocked. And didn't know what to say – Malarkey kept telling him everything was going to be okay. But Nelly couldn't find any words – she could only stare at her Sergeant. There was this naive part of her, that told Nelly, he'd come back to the line. And she ended up telling Toye, "You'll…come back".
Malarkey let out a sigh – which sounded close to tearful. With a gentle sniff, he briefly looked away before staring back down at Toye and Nelly. The Sergeant gave his soldier a small smile – and he took a hold of Nelly's hand, which looked tiny in his hand.
"Not this time, kid". He said to Nelly softly. "I think I'm 'gonna go home now, alright?"
Biting down on her bottom lip, Nelly faintly nodded.
"Are you 'gonna look after the fellas?" Despite being in a lot of pain, Toye's voice was so soft and light because he wanted to assure Nelly, that even though he was leaving, she was going to be okay. And that Nelly could see the end of the war, without her Sergeant.
Once again, Nelly nodded to his question.
Toye gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "That's my girl". And he let go of her hand, "Right – you need to go now, alright?"
Nelly's eyebrows twitched – go? She couldn't go. Nelly shook her head.
Truth was, Toye was in a lot of pain, and he didn't want Nelly to see him like that. He was leaving and he wanted to leave on a somewhat good note for the girl, so as to not traumatise her further. "Hey". Toye said to her softly, "You've 'gotta help doc with Bill, kid". He said, "Malark will stay with me".
She continued to shake her head.
Toye remained patient. "Come on now, kid". He said, "I'll be fine, alright? I'm 'gonna sleep in a minute, you know. This morphine's knocking me out".
"But…". Nelly whispered, "I love you…I don't want to go…".
Toye felt a lump form in his throat. Weakly, he swallowed that lump down. And he called out for back-up, "Hey, Lip".
Nelly grabbed a hold of Toye's arm. "No". She said, "No".
Feeling his eyes burn, Malarkey had to look away from them again. He sniffed and ran his jacket sleeve under his eyes. Lipton quickly approached the scene. Toye gave the Sergeant a tight smile and faintly nodded toward Nelly. "She needs to…to help with Bill, Lip".
Understanding what was going on and what Toye needed, Lipton gave him a nod and then reached down and took a hold of Nelly's shoulder. "Come on, buddy". He coaxed, "Let's go help Bill, huh?"
But Nelly's grip on Toye only tightened. "No…". She said – which sounded more like a whine, mixed with a pain-filled moan. "Please, no…".
It was utterly heartbreaking.
Lipton gave her shoulder a gentle nudge. "Come on, buddy". He urged.
Licking his bottom lip, Malarkey sniffed again and set his hands lightly on his hips. Toye exhaled shakily, staring at the girl who refused to leave his side. God, he would miss her. And he thought back to those moments when she really did him proud. But she needed to go. Toye was in a lot of pain. He also knew Nelly wouldn't go without a fight. With the arm she wasn't clinging to, he placed it around Nelly's back and guided her toward his chest. "Now listen, kid".
Eyes closing, Nelly pressed her cheek against his chest.
Toye continued to tell her softly, "You have to be brave, alright? And you've 'gotta get through this, get back home and I'll meet you there – I promise". Toye's eyes looked toward Lipton, and he gave the 1st Sergeant a nod.
Once again, Lipton grabbed a hold of Nelly's shoulder. "Up we go, buddy".
It took her a few moments, but she released Toye and stood up. Lipton's arm went around her shoulder, and he turned them around and began moving away from Toye. Nelly looked over her shoulder, casting one more glance at her Sergeant. Not knowing when she'd next see him, tears reached Nelly's eyes. Lipton gave her arm a rub and slowly, Nelly faced the front. They stopped by Guarnere, just as the medics were moving him onto a stretcher.
Guarnere gave the girl a wink and said to her lightly, "See 'ya back at the States, Nelly".
Nelly didn't have time to respond, Guarnere passed out – from the morphine and blood loss. But that was it – they just lost two of their best Sergeants and friends. And just when they thought it was over – the worst was over, they saw Buck shuffling across the snow. No helmet and no rifle.
Shocked, Lipton's arm fell from Nelly's shoulders. "Oh God…". He whispered.
Emerging into the clearing, Winters's eyes scanned the bloody scene. His heart tore in half, upon seeing his two Sergeants being carried away on stretchers. Rubbing his chin, his eyes caught sight of Buck, who was heading for the rear. And there was Nelly, running after their Lieutenant.
"Sir!" Nelly's call was desperate. "Sir, please!"
But Buck couldn't hear her through the fog in his mind.
Getting behind him, Nelly's arms went around his waist – cheek pressed against his back. "Sir – don't leave us, please!" She cried out.
Buck continued to move in a daze, dragging Nelly along with him.
"You can't leave us!" Nelly exclaimed – voice pleading. "Please!"
She didn't see the rock sticking up from the snow and Nelly's boot got caught behind it, causing her to trip up and release her tight grip around Buck. But she wasn't down there for long – back on her feet, Nelly caught up with Buck. However, before she could grab him again, Winters took a hold of her shoulder, pulling her back.
"Think of your men". Winters said to Buck, "They need you. I need you".
Buck didn't stop walking.
And Winters fretted over Buck's breakdown, not just for Buck's sake, but also for the impact it would have on the morale of the men. Winters tried again. "Buck, you're an Officer, you've got to get a hold of yourself. I can't...". He stopped talking when Nelly squirmed against his hold.
Nelly cried out, "Don't do this to us!"
And Buck stopped. Letting out a sigh, he turned and faced Winters and Nelly. "I can't…". There were tears in his eyes. "I can't take it anymore". Buck's voice cracked on tears. "I just can't…I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry".
Nelly stopped struggling against Winters's hold. She remembered their conversation, where Buck told her about his father. It was going to hurt, letting Buck go. But it would hurt even more if something were to happen to him. Holding back a flood of tears, Nelly gave a nod. Buck's face threatened to crumble, and he quickly turned away from them – from Easy – and continued his walk to the rear. Hands going to the back of her helmet, Nelly closed her eyes.
It was too much.
With two Sergeants gone and an Officer, Malarkey would have to take charge of what was left of the Platoon. And Nelly was forced to step up as Sergeant. But she could hardly think about that – she could only think of not having Toye around. But he was right – Nelly had to be brave. Letting out a deep breath, Nelly opened her eyes and lowered her hands off her helmet.
She just had to get on with it. Malarkey would have to get on it with – they all would.
But how?
...
She didn't think they'd ever recover. Easy was close to breaking. Midway through the shelling where they lost Toye, Guarnere and Buck, Dike left the line and didn't return. Thankfully, they had Lipton. But Dike leaving almost felt like a loveless father abandoning his children. It was a feeling Nelly knew all too well – she didn't trouble her mind with Dike. If he wanted to go, then that suited her just fine, he was useless to her and Easy. They were pulled back to Winters's CP. The Company ate a hot meal for the first time in days and drank coffee. Placed in reserve, Easy allowed their minds to relax for a moment – they were somewhat safe. Safe from firefights and shellings but not from the constant cold.
Sat by her foxhole, Nelly felt someone draped a blanket over her shoulders. "Thanks". She said to whoever it was quiet.
"No problem". It was Roe. And he moved on to the next man – Jackson.
Nelly shifted – her behind was growing numb from sitting on the snow. Staring down into her warm soup, she dunked her spoon inside and slurped up the warm broth. Thankfully, it was a maggot-less soup. But it still tasted bitter. Nothing was ever going to be the same. She felt her chest tighten and a tearful lump rush up her throat – that often happened to her now. Setting down the soup, Nelly ran a hand down her face. She could still see it – the blood in the snow, Toye's leg hanging off. It haunted her, every night and every waking moment. And she tried hard to keep herself busy and distracted and it worked for a moment, but then it would hit her again.
Crouching next to her, Winters set a hand on her shoulder. "Kiddo, your cousins here".
With a faint nod, Nelly rose to her feet and followed Winters a little outside of his CP. And sure enough, Speirs was standing in front of two trees, waiting for Nelly. She hadn't seen him since she showed him her tattoo. Seeing him now, made Nelly want to crumble. Winters gave her shoulder a squeeze and then left to give the cousins some privacy. Speirs was about to express how sorry he was, that she had lost her Sergeant and friends. But he noticed the ring placed on her right hand, middle finger.
"That's new". He said softly, giving the ring a nod.
Nelly lied, "Friends…gave me it".
"That was nice of them, kid". Speirs said that with a tiny smile.
"Yeah". She whispered – emotionless, just like her blank expression.
A tiny frown creased Speirs's face. He knelt in front of his cousin. "You 'wanna talk about it?"
Nelly shook her head.
With a nod, Speirs placed his hand on Nelly's shoulder.
All she could think about was that capsule under the sole in her boot – and how easy it would be, to just end the suffering. She could still hear Buck tell her to hold on, to wait it out because if she left, she'd never know if it would get any better. But how could it get any better? It felt like they would never leave the forest – that they'd continue to lose friends. And themselves. Their minds were breaking in half. How was she meant to – "how can I…do it?" Nelly ended up stressing to Speirs quietly.
Speirs faintly bobbed his head. "Alright, kid…". He said gently, "Do what, huh?"
"This". Nelly said, "All of it…how?"
"You just have to". Speirs said to her quietly. "We just have to keep going – "
"I don't…want to". There it was – she didn't want to.
"I'm sure Winters will have you back as his – "
"no". Nelly mumbled, shaking her head. "I don't…". And she thought back to her time in England after Normandy, where she was scared to see the end of the war – scared to live after the war – how she wanted to die as an old lady in her bed but didn't want to live to get to that point.
Nelly went quiet, her eyes looking down.
"No, no…come on". Speirs softly scolded her. "What'd you 'wanna tell me? You can tell me anything, kid".
And in a small voice, she said, "It's hard".
He frowned sadly. It was hard – he internally agreed. Life in the woods, being on constant edge and watching friends leave – it was extremely hard. And to top it all off, they were freezing. "I know, kid". Speirs said, "I know it's hard".
"I'm so…bad at being a Sergeant". Nelly confessed quietly.
Speirs felt something tug his heart. "You're not, kid". But she was young – still a kid. Maybe they should have picked someone older than Nelly to lead Toye's old squad. "Do you want to be their Sergeant?"
She shrugged. "Joe…said I should".
"Right". Speirs said, "But what do you think, Nelly?"
"I think…". Nelly's bottom lip trembled. "I'm not good".
Speirs couldn't help but think how broken she looked. And it tore him up inside. How was he going to fix her? Because that's all Speirs wanted to do – he just wanted to help Nelly. Her eyes left the snow and she looked at him. A sympathetic and quiet noise left his mouth at the sight of tears in her eyes. Nelly was breathing hard – trying not to crack. She pursed her lips together and a tiny whine burst through her lips. Nelly closed her eyes and rubbed them with her hands.
"Nelly, it's okay". Speirs said to her softly. "If you 'wanna cry, you go on ahead".
She'd never stop. Eyes opening, Nelly shook her head. "No, I…I have to be brave, Ronnie".
"Not with me". Smiling sadly, Speirs squeezed her shoulder. "But I get it".
Nodding, Nelly stepped forward and pressed her forehead against Speirs's shoulder. In turn, he wrapped his arms around Nelly and held her tight. Nelly's arms went around his middle, and she ducked her head, face now buried below his shoulder. She could feel her chest tighten again and a lump form in her throat. Her bottom lip trembled and tears blurred her vision. Nelly blinked – trying to get rid of those tears. Hugging her cousin brought those tears because it was comfort, a feeling she longed for after saying goodbye to Toye. She couldn't go to Malarkey because he felt much the same as Nelly. She couldn't go to Alex or Skip because they were in different Platoons, and they hardly saw each other. And Nelly was afraid to go to Winters, worried that he'd take her off the line again. And as much as she'd have liked to see Winters, Nelly had to stay on the line – she had to look after her squad.
1985 – Nelly reminded herself. 1985. That was going to be her year.
But she was finding it so hard now, to want to live to reach that year.