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Heartbreak was weird, it was a lot like grief. And combining the two was a strange feeling. It was numbing. Nelly felt completely numb – as numb as her feet and hands. She didn't sleep but that was normal for her anyway. Nelly didn't cry. She screamed in the open field, but she didn't cry. She felt too numb to cry. The numbness was shocking, but it kept her from breaking down.
Nelly didn't know it at the time, but Malarkey had a similar reaction. He didn't cry, he felt numb – just like Nelly. Everyone in Easy Company cried or shed a single tear for Skip and Alex. But not Nelly and Malarkey. And it wasn't that they didn't care – the complete opposite – they cared so much that their bodies just froze and went into a numbing shock.
Seven people Nelly cared about were gone. Hughes, Hoobler, Toye, Guarnere, Buck, Skip and Alex. And it felt like she lost them all at once – in the blink of an eye. That's why she went so numb.
"Did you sleep?" Winters asked her in the morning.
"Yeah". Nelly lied. She then told him, "I'll go back now, sir".
"Hold on, trooper". Winters said, "Your cousin wants to see you".
Nelly gave her head a shake. She didn't want to see him because he'd want to talk about it, and she'd rather avoid that conversation. "I don't…want to see him, sir".
A soft frown formed on Winters's face. "Are you sure you don't 'wanna stay here?"
"I'm fine, sir". Nelly replied – voice stoic. "I need to…get back to my squad, sir".
He could admire her dedication to her men, but Winters was worried – deeply worried about Nelly and Malarkey. "If it gets bad, come back". He told her, almost firmly.
Nelly shouldered her rifle with a nod. "Yes, sir".
It was her job now to take care of the men, not the other way around. She was their Sergeant and Nelly had to start acting like one. For now, the numbness was a good instrument - it worked in her favour. It was almost how she felt before meeting Alex on the train – frozen, stoic – a hard shell to crack. However, when Nelly saw Malarkey, she felt a small pain in her chest. Less numb than before, she took in a deep breath. The two friends stood in front of each other – both afraid the slightest movement would cause them to crumble. Almost two years of history stood between them and most of their time together, was spent with Alex and Skip.
Malarkey's eyes flickered toward the tree behind Nelly. "Are you…". He stopped himself – he was about to ask if she was okay, Malarkey thought that was a stupid question.
Yesterday happened and the morning brought a new day – the world wouldn't stop turning for her because she lost Alex and her best friend. "Do you think…we'll attack Foy?" She asked.
Malarkey wasn't expecting that question. And he was glad because Nelly wasn't going to bring it up. "Probably". He replied quietly.
"Right".
He noticed her stoic voice. Malarkey almost frowned. "Don't worry. Lipton will help".
"I wasn't…worried". Nelly said.
"Oh". Malarkey mumbled. "Well…I guess that's good".
She gave him a faint nod. "Right, well…I'm going to…see my squad now".
"Yeah".
It wasn't awkward – it was strained. They were both a reminder to each other, of who they had lost. And if it carried on as strained, their relationship wouldn't last. Malarkey and Nelly parted ways, and they let out sighs – almost relieved sighs because the conversation was over. A friend should never feel relieved to be away from another friend.
"Hey, Bricks". Babe greeted Nelly with a kind smile. "Are you feeling – "
"who's on OP?" She cut him off.
"Uh – Sheehy". Babe replied.
"How long?"
"Almost two hours".
"Swap with him". Nelly's order was direct and cold.
Babe was a little taken aback by the coldness in her voice. "Sure". He said quietly, "Whatever you want".
She felt a little woozy while standing in front of Babe. He grew two heads for a moment. And when he walked by her, he looked blurry – like a painting. Nelly assumed it was lack of sleep, she couldn't remember the last time she actual slept decently. Either that or a period was coming on, she missed her last one. But that was to be expected. They hardly ate in November. The same thing happened in Mauthausen – her periods stopped completely.
Picking up where she left off yesterday, Nelly resumed hacking off branches for her roof. Alone, she worked until gathering up a sweat. Her arms were aching. But it felt good, to do something other than think. Nelly worked on one tree for well over an hour. Her arms were full of branches by the end of it and she carried them back to her foxhole.
Standing by her foxhole, was Speirs.
Letting out a sigh, Nelly dropped the branches by her feet. "What?" She mumbled.
"I arranged to see you today". Speirs said.
"Well…I wasn't at HQ".
"I know". He said, "Winters said you didn't 'wanna see me".
Dropping to her knees, Nelly took her musette bag and searched for the rope inside. "Okay". She said to Speirs quietly. "But…you're here".
Licking his bottom lip – somewhat nervously – Speirs crouched by her. "I wanted to see how you were".
"Fine…I'm fine". Nelly said. She began lying the branches out in a straight line.
"You think I believe that bullshit?" Speirs questioned quietly.
"You should…it's true". Nelly said – her voice remained stoic, emotionless.
"Then why are the men staring at you, like you're about to break?"
She shrugged one shoulder and didn't give him a vocal response.
"Nelly – "
"everyone…dies". Nelly said, "It's just…how it is out here".
Speirs sighed. He didn't think she would be so closed off. Speirs expected tears. Or at least some sort of reaction from Nelly. She was almost aggravated. Her tone was stoic and cold. Speirs gave a nod in the opposite direction. "Have you seen Malarkey?"
"Yeah".
"And?" Speirs prompted.
"You…are pissing me off". Nelly told him while she tied the rope around the branches.
"It's not me you're mad at".
Her empty eyes looked at him. "It's not?"
Speirs shook his head. "Nope".
"That's weird…because it fucking is…". There was a hint of venom to her voice.
Speirs had to remain calm. He didn't want to anger her further. "Well, I'm sorry about that".
"Pathetic". Nelly practically hissed.
Clearing his throat, Speirs gave her a nod. "I'll just go".
"Yeah". Her voice was stoic again. "Just go".
"Fine, I'll – "
"just go…fucking leave…I don't care". Nelly's voice raised slightly. Lips pursing together, she stared back down at the branches. There was a small and sharp pain in her chest. Setting her jaw, Nelly gave the rope a firm tug.
Speirs didn't leave. He stared at his cousin, watching her carefully. "I could stay". He offered quietly. And he changed his response, "I'll stay".
"Fine". Nelly murmured.
Sitting down, Speirs grabbed the other piece of rope. He looked at her and said, "I'll help".
"Okay". And while tying the rope, Nelly said, "Give me a cigarette".
Speirs said through a sigh, "Shit…". But he brought out a cigarette, lit it and handed it over to Nelly. "Don't make this a habit".
Nelly placed the cigarette between her lips and took a drag. The smoke was disgusting – she forgot how bad it tasted. Her face paled. It made her feel sick. Taking the cigarette out of her mouth, Nelly gave it to Speirs.
"Don't like it?" He asked.
"No".
Speirs tried to remain casual. "It's not for everyone".
Dropping the rope suddenly, Nelly's hand covered her mouth.
Speirs frowned. "What's wrong?"
She gagged.
"Ah – shit, kid". Shifting toward his cousin, Speirs's hand went on her back.
His hand felt warm, even though it was frozen. A piece inside of her melted. And she felt an awful pain in her chest. It hurt a lot. Nelly thought she was having a heart attack. And with that thought in mind, she panicked. Her throat tightened. Her heart began to race. Nelly's vacant eyes soon widened with fear. She took in sharp and quick breaths. Her hand pressed by her chest – she could feel her heart beating rapidly.
Through pants, she told Speirs, "I'm dying…".
"No, you're not dying". He assured her, in a low and calming voice. "You just gave yourself a little fright, that's all".
"No…no…". Nelly whimpered, shaking her head.
"Shh…come on, kid. Deep breaths, you're alright".
Nelly gripped hold of her jacket, "It hurts, Ronnie…it hurts…".
"What hurts?" Speirs asked. "I can fix it, tell me what hurts".
"My…my chest…I can't…b-breathe". She panicked.
Speirs moved to sit in front of her. And he gently grabbed hold of Nelly's face. "Hey, you're breathing right now, Nelly". He said to her softly. "You're breathing right now".
"No…no…". Nelly shook her head.
Her breathing was a mess – too quick, too sharp, she sounded like a revving motorbike. Nelly's face felt numb, and a pins and needles sensation began to form in her fingers. She wasn't able to swallow, her throat felt too tight. And that awful strange nausea developed in her stomach. Nelly felt her body start to tremble and shake. Her eyes closed.
Speirs's hand on her back, shatter the hard-shell Nelly tried to keep up. No longer numb, she felt everything. And her body's reaction to feeling everything, was to panic because there was a lot to feel. She lost her best friends, the love of her life, a brother – her family. She lost her future.
To Nelly, she lost everything.
She whimpered, "Help…".
"I'm right here, kid". Speirs told her, "I'm not going anywhere".
"I can't…do it…alone". Nelly whispered.
"You're not alone". He promised, "You'll never be alone, Nelly".
Behind closed eyelids, she felt tears form. "I loved him".
Speirs nodded. "I know". He had known since their journey to Edinburgh.
Nelly's chest exploded with a tiny whimper, "He was…my dream".
Again, Speirs repeated softly, "I know". Hands letting go of her face, Speirs wrapped them around Nelly and pulled her into his chest. "I've got you". He murmured gently, "I've got you, kid".
Face buried into his chest; Nelly was still trying to breathe.
"In through the nose…". Speirs reminded her. "Out through the mouth".
She followed his instructions.
"That's it, good". Speirs quietly praised. "And again".
It took a few minutes but Speirs coached Nelly back into breathing normally.
No tears followed her episode, but exhaustion did.
...
The moon was out again that night and the stars. Nelly sat outside her empty foxhole and stared up at the clear night sky. Babe wasn't sleeping below her – not that time. She needed a moment to herself. Nelly was trying to build the hard shell around her again, she wanted to feel numb as before because all she felt now, was pain. The pain came from her chest. But it was hard for her to feel numb like before. No amount of sitting down to freeze could help Nelly feel nothing again.
"Today. Tomorrow. Next week. Next year. I'll love you forever".
She couldn't get Alex's voice out of her head. His sweet, caring and beautiful words haunted her now. Forever wasn't forever – it was sixteen months. Sixteen months. They loved each other so much, in just sixteen months. Nelly didn't believe in soulmates; she didn't believe in "the one". Alex was someone she loved and cared for deeply. Not a soulmate, not the one – just two people who met, got lucky and fell in love. It was normal and perfect – normality was always something Nelly longed for in life. She didn't have a normal existence. However, Alex made her feel like a normal young woman in love.
Nelly's eyes searched the twinkling stars until she settled on one. "Alex". She whispered, "Thank you".
Tears began forming at the bottom of her eyes. Her lips started to tremble. Nelly pulled her legs up towards her chest while she drew in a sharp breath. A puffiness began to form under Nelly's eyes as she sniffed softly. Then the corners of her eyes dampened. One tear rolled down her cheek and more gathered in her eyelashes, making it difficult to see.
"Goodbye. Alex". Nelly's voice wobbled.
A few more silent tears rolled down her cheeks. Nelly wiped them away with her jacket sleeve. Swallowing down the tearful lump in her throat, she got up and walked away from her lonely foxhole. Nelly shouldered her rifle as she walked along the line, passing by sleeping men or men who couldn't sleep and talked with their foxhole buddy.
She could push grief to the side, for now. It was easy when so much was going on. Being on the line was on Nelly's side – it gave her a distraction. Everyone handled grief differently, some just fell to pieces, and others just got on with it. Some went numb or got angry. But they'd always pick themselves up and continue fighting, surviving. Nelly had seen a lot during the war. She had seen things; no human should ever have to witness. Even before the war, life wasn't exactly easy for Nelly. She was no stranger to grief or heartbreak. However, she could only take so much – it was all just a matter of time until she fell to pieces. But it wouldn't be now, not while they were on the line.
Sliding into his foxhole, she sat down next to him.
The pain in her chest returned.
Malarkey stared down at her, with vacant eyes. And without saying a word, he wrapped his arm around Nelly's shoulder, and she leaned into his side while her arm went around his waist. They held each other in silence. Nothing needed to be said. It sucked. They were sad. But they had no choice but to keep going. However, they still had each other.
They could get through the strange tides of grief, together.