Disclaimers: Although I wish I were the creative genius behind John's and Robert's character, they belong to Julian Fellowes. I'm sorry for the time I'm taking to write this story.

When Robert loses his son in DA, there is a lovely scene between Robert and Bates where Robert tells him he knows he's sorry. This led me to think that maybe John had experienced the same experience and Robert had been with him when it happened. Then, when Anna gets arrested for Green's murder, John is about to do something but Robert stops him as if he knew what he was about to do, like confessing to something he didn't do. This too made me think John already did something similar to protect Robert in their time in the army. I hope you'll enjoy the angst. This is not a happy journey for Bates, it is only getting worse, sadly. Thank you for sticking with me!

Thank you for your reviews, they are highly appreciated!

November 1900

John was dressing Captain Crawley in his room before a military meeting with fellow officers to be given information about their next mission. The future earl noticed him whine when he bent to retrieve the brush that had fallen on the ground. Through the mirror, Robert observed him and saw that the flesh under his right eye was a bit blue and he had a cut on his lip. It wasn't the first time that Bates had come to dress him in such a state. Robert suspected that he was engaging at night in illicit activities. He was maybe one of the officers, dining with other aristocrats when they were in town, but he knew what "games" some of his men were playing at night. And judging by John's coloured face and cuts, he knew it was violent.

At first, Robert said nothing because he knew why Bates was fighting at night, trying to relieve some of the rage and anger he had inside. He thought it would maybe help him and after a few times, he would stop and get better. Only the contrary happened. Not only did John fight in hand-to-hand combat with other soldiers betting on him, making money on his back while he was receiving punches. It appeared John was also drinking more than he should and as a result wasn't as efficient in his tasks the next morning.

This evening, Bates seemed to have started drinking a little bit earlier than usual and it showed in the way he wasn't walking straight and kept dropping things. Robert was getting angrier every time it happened. As his officer in charge and as his friend, he couldn't let him go on this path.

"Bates," he started, turning around to face John who kept his head low as if it would make him not notice the bruise. "I think it's enough for tonight. You are in no state to dress me like that, I will do it myself."

"I don't understand what you mean, sir."

"Don't you take me for a fool, Bates!" His anger was now flaring up. John was wincing. "Am I supposed to believe you fell and hurt your head? It seems to happen a lot these days. And what about the smell of alcohol on your breath? Any other officer would have had you punished a long time ago, Bates. This is a warning. You will stop getting into fights and you will quit drinking when you are on duty. Any member of my unit must be irreproachable."

"So it is all about your reputation, then," he said in a cutting tone.

Robert was about to open his mouth and burst, but he remembered that the John before him wasn't his Bates. It was the alcohol and the anger talking.

"You damn well know, Bates, that you mean a great deal to me. I'm concerned about you." As he said that, Robert attempted to approach John but he pushed him away. "Please, you need to stop it, it's destroying you." He paused before continuing with a softer voice. "You never talked about it."

John was now trying to walk past Robert.

"You said you didn't need me here anymore."

Robert was now blocking his passage with his own body.

"Bates, I need you to understand…"

"Let me go!" John yelled.

"No, Bates. We need to talk."

John tried to punch him but Robert easily avoided his fist and took him in his arms, trying to contain him while John was debating like a wild animal.

"You have the right to feel sad." Robert felt John lose in intensity but didn't loosen his grip, for all that. "It wasn't your fault." This time, tears formed in John's eyes. "The most horrible thing happened to you, Bates. You lost your baby. Please talk to me."

John didn't talk, but he shared everything he felt with Robert as he collapsed in his arms crying all the tears in his body.

With John finally releasing all the sadness he had locked inside of him, Robert bit his lower lip not to cry too. He had to be strong for him. He stroked his back and murmured encouraging words in his ears, telling him everything would be alright and that he'd always be there for him. They stayed like that for a few minutes before John composed himself back and left Robert to go to his meeting as if this tender moment had never happened.

Robert was relieved to see that Bates had cut the alcohol and hadn't come back with new bruises. They had talked a lot about his baby's loss since the evening he collapsed in his arms and John's state of mind seemed to have improved a lot in a single week.

It had been good timing because he needed him to be focused on the mission they were in. They all thought the war was coming to an end and the Boers were defeated with the annexation, but wild attacks had been reported in all the territory. Lord Kitchener had ordered to attack Boer farms.

Before intervening, Bates had transmitted a telegram to him with the order to capture everyone hiding in the farm and to burn it afterwards. The night was falling and they were all ready to launch their attack.

Quietly coming nearer the farm Robert felt a strange presentiment. There was no sign of Boer fighters. Usually, there were weapons or someone guarding the entry to the farm. But it seemed exposed to their attack. Only sheets were hanging with the breeze blowing on them.

John was waiting for Robert's signal to enter, holding his rifle near him. The night was silent and still.

Robert made a sign with his hand and John burst the door open and aimed inside. Yells broke the silence and horror seized John as he realised that it was children screaming and women praying, holding their children tight against them, tempting to protect them from the armed soldiers.

Robert came beside him, but there was no trace of shock on his face, only disgust.

"Is there any man with you?"

"No," answered a woman in the back of the room. "We are alone in here with the children. Please, don't take us" She looked right into Robert's eyes and pleaded.

John didn't understand what she meant by that, but Robert turned around, asked another soldier to watch the women and asked him to join him outside.

"What did the telegram say again?" He asked him as soon as they were out of the farm.

John reached for it in his pocket and read.

"'Change of plan ordered by Lord Kitchener. Attack farm boarding the north banks of the river. Capture everyone and burn the place."

"The bastards!" Robert cursed. John had never heard him talk like this before. He knew something bad was happening.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I don't understand what's going on."

"They want us to capture civilians. I thought it was only some rumours made by the opposition…"

The wheels were spinning in John's head. Then he heard Peter's words: 'I've also heard of camps. A place where we put Boer women and children as if they were nothing more than cattle'.

"So it is true, then? The camps are real?"

"I'm afraid it appears so." They stayed quiet for a few moments before Robert spoke again.

"I can't do it, Bates. It goes against everything I believe in."

"But sir, if you disobey, what will they do to you?"

But Robert could only see his daughters running around happily and couldn't stop but feel these children deserved to be free too. They were innocent in this war.

"I don't care Bates. Go fetch the others, the mission is done, and we are going back to base."

John was sitting on a bench in the park of the house they were staying at in Johannesburg, smoking a cigarette. He was enjoying the first ray of sunshine of the day while it was still cool. Birds were happily chirping in trees all around him, bringing him some peace.

It was the day his son or daughter would have been born. And he couldn't stop thinking of what had gone wrong. His mother had sent him numerous letters and had told him Vera hadn't visited her since the miscarriage. Deep down, John thought it was all his fault. He wouldn't be married to Vera if he hadn't slept with her in the first place and she wouldn't have suffered the loss of her baby either. Maybe she would be giving birth today if he had been in England, protecting her and their child instead of fighting a stupid war at the other end of the world. A war which was now involving innocent women and children.

Footsteps took him out of his thoughts and saw a man from his troop running towards him.

"Locke, is everything alright?"

"Not quite, Sergeant Bates. I've just heard that two men from the disciplinary division came down here, and left with Captain Crawley."

"The disciplinary division? Oh no… Where did they go, Locke?"

"The Colonel Ferguson's headquarters, sir."

"Stay here with the battalion, I need to go"

He left Locke behind him and ran as fast as he could towards the crossroad. Further down the road on the left was the house where the Colonel had decided to settle.

He barged inside, ran up the stairs, passed a guard and opened the doors of the office where voices could be heard.

Captain Crawley was standing in the middle of the room facing a desk where John could only assume Colonel Ferguson was sitting behind. Two other high-ranking officers were at his sides, taking notes.

"Who let this man enter the room? We are in the middle of a very important matter. Who are you?" The colonel asked.

"Bates?" Robert said in utter shock. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry, Colonel, this man came rushing in I couldn't stop him," the guard said.

"Is he one of your men, Captain?" the Colonel asked.

"Yes, sir. This is Sergeant Bates, my batman."

"Get him out," Colonel Ferguson said with a gesture of the hand, dismissing him.

The guard grabbed him and started removing him from the room.

"Wait, you have the wrong man!"

The Colonel looked at him and made a sign to the guard to release him.

"What do you mean? Your Captain here committed an act of disobedience towards the Crown. This cannot go unpunished."

"But he didn't sir, I did."

Robert turned around, his eyes full of horror.

"Your Captain was given an order by telegram to capture all inhabitants of a Boer farm and to burn it. He did no such things and today a troop has been decimated by Boer fighters who took refuge there. All twenty men died," one of the officers sitting beside the Colonel said.

"He never received the telegram, sir."

"And how would you know, Sergeant?" The Colonel inquired.

"Because I never gave it to him. I am firmly opposed to dragging civilians into a war, sir," John said, staying calm and stoic.

"Are you confessing of disobedience and treason to the Crown, Sergeant Bates?" the Colonel asked, suddenly very interested in the next words that would come out of John's mouth.

Robert was looking at him, in complete disbelief as if he had a hard time registering the words that were being spoken in the room.

"Yes, sir," John said as proudly as he could.

"Whitecliff will escort you out of the door while we will be deciding on adequate punishment for your crime."

John followed the guard and waited patiently in the hall.

About an hour later, the doors opened once more, letting Robert appear. He marched right towards Bates. His face was red with anger.

"What in the name of God possessed you in there, Bates? This was complete irrational behaviour and I will not have that!" John didn't flinch. "Answer me, Bates!"

"You heard me, it was my fault."

Robert turned his back on him, cursing to himself. Then he faced Bates again and looked him right in the eye.

"I know why you're doing it. What a fool you are! You do not deserve this, do you hear me, John Bates?"

John was now looking at his feet.

"So what am I in for, sir?"

Robert laughed nervously, unable to believe what just happened.

"Well, if you were hoping to hang, it is not your lucky day, my friend," Robert said sarcastically, still red with anger. "I just spent the last forty minutes convincing the Colonel to spare you saying you just had a mental breakdown. And I spent the other twenty minutes negotiating a punishment, which should be mine."

He calmed down a little and looked at John with sadness now. John was still stoic, not showing any trace of emotion on his face.

"How much?" he asked.

"Half a hundred. They decided to sentence you to half a hundred lashes," Robert said. "And you'll have to spend the night in a black hole." Robert then took him by the shoulders. "Why did you sacrifice yourself, Bates?"

"You have a wife and three daughters waiting for you at home."

The doors swung open and the Colonel exited the office accompanied by his two officers.

"Sergeant Bates, you will be escorted to a black hole for you to spend the night. Do you have anything to say?"

"No, sir. I'm ready," John said. And with that Locke took him by the arm and got him out of the room, leaving Robert flabbergasted.